[HD7970GHZ]

Anyone ever have moments - where you're sitting down at night - after a long day - and you feel compelled to send a text off to a friend, but the person you text doesn't reply...

Then anxiety sets in, you know that your thoughts are irrational because of all the therapy and awareness training you've endured - but no matter how hard you try and rationalize with yourself, your thoughts lead into a full blown panic attack - and because your friends aren't replying means that you're unloved and unworthy of their friendships...

I have been having this a lot over the years. I find that if one person doesn't reply to my text messages, then I have to send off a bunch of them in order to verify that I am liked and loved by others... I'm constantly seeking validation. And it seems that no amount of text messages will allow me a restful mind...

I'm writing this right now - under the influence of these thoughts and I'm on the verge of tears. I feel it coming up, but I'm trying to fight the urge to just let my emotions out all at once.

HD7970GHZ

[pleaseilluminateme]

That's partially how I lost quite a few of my friends. I can't deal with people not responding to me. I either end up balling my eyes out because no one cares enough to spare 2 seconds to shoot me a response, or I'm throwing my phone across the room out of anger. Sometimes both. Now I'm at the point where I don't really have any friends to text, so that seems to be working out almost better.

[skyxblue]

I get those feelings a lot. My thoughts get going if I don't get a text back. I start watching the clock and my thoughts get worse. As they get worse my anxiety goes up. Like you said a panic attack. I will keep sending messages, to see if they got the first one. I did this with a partner of mine. I wondered if she got fed up with me always sending texts to her if she didn't respond within 10 minutes or less. I would make myself sick if I didn't get a text right back.

I'm sorry you are going through this now. It's hard to fight your feelings. I hope they settle down for you.

[Jeffrey66]

I do the same thing, it drives me up the wall when I don't get a response. The coping skills are difficult to use in the moment. I have noticed a slight improvement though.

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[Harmacy]

This used to be a major trigger of anxiety for me and still is really although I mainly manage it now by very rarely sending texts.

There have also been a load of occasions where I'd left my phone on silent, was wearing headphones, not checked it etc. and have myself taken many hours to respond to a text someone has sent me (sometimes not until the next day). So it does help sometimes to remember that the first extreme conclusion we jump to - "they hate me", "they think I'm a nuisance" may not be the right one.

For me, dealing with relational anxiety is about trying to imagine all the possible things the other person might be thinking until I reach the point where I accept that I simply don't know. Accepting the not knowing is hard, sometimes it's easier to believe an irrational thought with no evidence. It gets better with practice though and going back to the phone thing, sometimes the best option is to switch it off until the morning. That way you won't have that constant waiting / anticipation which feeds anxiety (although ironically you may end up not responding to someone else's text ).

I do sometimes wish mobile phones had never been invented. Horrible anxiety inducing things

[HD7970GHZ]

Thank you everyone for replying,

I appreciate everything that was shared! It's so hard to remember that I'm not alone, but just hearing what you've all said really hit me hard. I cried. It means a lot, so thank you all for replying. You've made my day a lot lighter.

I haven't dealt with my emotions for a long time. I've been pushing them aside. But every so often I get disconnected and suddenly my emotions start coming out and I'm scrambling to get a hold of someone, anyone - by way of texting. I really can't believe how much of an impact it has on me. Sometimes I wonder how many of my friends feel the same. I have always been one to reply immediately upon receiving text messages, simply because of how I feel when I don't get an immediate reply... Sometimes I fight tears off in order to keep myself from texting someone again and again - knowing that I am slowly driving them away from me. I just wish there was someone who knew and understood what it was like being on the opposite side of things... I wish I could text another sufferer - and not have to dodge explanations for sending off an occasional text...

[littlemiss44]

I text my best friend at night sometimes cause she doesn't sleep due to her bipolar. If she doesn't respond I think she doesn't really love me. But I know she does but u still panic. Get anxiety and fear. It's irrational I know that. I have only three good friends. I wish that circle was bigger. I ask friends at work for their phone numbers and their like ya! But if I put myself out there abd call them they seem to be busy. I hate that. I yearn to have more support. I also want to support others. Sometimes I worry that the friends I do have will die abd I'll have no one. I get fearful that my bf will get sick and die. There is no one like him out there. He loves me so much. I totally understand where yr coming from. I'm sorry it's so hard. It just comes with the territory of bpd. I wish you the best. Take care of yr self.

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[greentires4me]

if you want you can text me I might not see it right away but I definitely will text you back. I know how it is when people don't text me back fast enough I am like I get scared that something happened to them. Like a car accident because they were paying attention to me and not the road.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Anyone ever have moments - where you're sitting down at night - after a long day - and you feel compelled to send a text off to a friend, but the person you text doesn't reply...

Then anxiety sets in, you know that your thoughts are irrational because of all the therapy and awareness training you've endured - but no matter how hard you try and rationalize with yourself, your thoughts lead into a full blown panic attack - and because your friends aren't replying means that you're unloved and unworthy of their friendships...

I have been having this a lot over the years. I find that if one person doesn't reply to my text messages, then I have to send off a bunch of them in order to verify that I am liked and loved by others... I'm constantly seeking validation. And it seems that no amount of text messages will allow me a restful mind...

I'm writing this right now - under the influence of these thoughts and I'm on the verge of tears. I feel it coming up, but I'm trying to fight the urge to just let my emotions out all at once.

HD7970GHZ

OMG! i hate that, i thought it was just me, i texted one of my friends last weekend & he didn't text back...i starting thinking " is he mad at me?, what did i do?, why can you just text back and let me know something, wtf?
i had other friends come over this weekend so i just said whatever, f*** it.
but still...i always get upset about that, doesn't matter who any of my friends male or female that has always bothered the hell out of me!

[allme]

Oh I so understand this! I do the same, bombard them with txts until they reply! It only happened yesterday actually and it ruined my whole day as I couldn't stop thinking my friend no longer liked me because she didn't reply. After multiple messages from me, she replied she had been busy all day with house work and the kids and hasn't stopped to check her phone. At this point I felt bad for all the txts I sent and for the fact my whole day had been a day of torment over this.

I wish I knew how to stop this. Just wanted you to know you're not alone

[HD7970GHZ]

Thanks for replies!

Allme,

Have you done this with everyone and anyone? Or only certain people? Any time of day specific? If so, are there any logical connections you may be able to associate to it all?

And that goes for anyone, does anyone notice any correlations with their anxiety? When it happens, to whom it pertains to? Anything?

I only ask because I'm currently thinking about this in my own life. Just tonight I did it again - I was texting a girl who I kind of like - and she didn't reply. I thought I would stumble onto these forums before replying again - but unfortunately my awareness went straight out the window - and before I knew it - I sent two more lengthy texts... It's sad. It's been an hour and she hasn't replied yet - either she went to sleep or I just pushed someone away again...

I find that I do this almost always at night, between 6 PM and 10 PM. I suppose because I like to relax at that time of day, after work and what not - I expect that other people follow the same daily routine. In my mind they can reply to my text immediately, because I can too. But really, that's a fallacy because who knows - who does what - and when. My expectations are extremely high - therefore, there's no wonder I am met with complete dissatisfaction when they cannot meet my expectations for immediacy. I also realize that I am idling at that time of day. I don't have anything on my mind, I am literally sitting around and without purpose. At those times I find that the voices in my head can be most ambitious and can wreak havoc on what could otherwise be - a very low key, relaxing evening... Before I know it - I'm bombarded with thoughts of abandonment and then I'm stressed out.

Maybe this is a sign for me, and maybe for others as well - that staying busy can help keep the mind preoccupied and prevent it from being bombarded with anxieties. It's obviously not a cure, but it could be a step in distracting oneself from leaning in the direction of a negative outcome - and more to follow...

I don't like giving myself an excuse to harass someone with text messages, but for me - (and I'm sure for all of you as well) - it is an instinctual / primal urge that motivates me to send more text messages... Like eating or sleeping, or fight or flight.

It's strange. Maybe for us Borderline's: something as specific and singular as abandonment - becomes an instinctual or primal mechanism to us... Like it's been added to a checklist with hunger and sexuality.

thanks,
HD7970ghz