[ChaoticMess19]

I can feel myself about to self destruct. I have done so well until now. I have cheated on my husband for the length of our marriage. He has tried all he knows to do he says. Tonight I found him on a dating site looking for singles in our area. If we are lucky, my family will not wake up to an Easter disaster due to one of my rages.

[epersonanovea1]

There is so much that what you have written here brings to my own mind. I dare not attempt to put it all together, but there may be something of value in what follows:
Megalomania -Megalomania is a psychopathological disorder where in the person experiences delusional fantasies of greatness, wealth, grandeur, omnipotence and superiority. (Google Search, definition)
"'Why don't you, yes but' is the game most commonly played at parties and groups of all kind, including Psychotherapy groups." (Eric Bernes, Games People Play)
Script Pattern: After; Sentence Pattern: + -; Drivers: Please me, hurry up.
(Stan Woollams, Michael Brown, The Total Handbook of Transactional Analysis)
These are just puzzle pieces of the picture your words are painting, they are just recollections of things I have read.

Sometimes, ChaoticMess19, no matter how hard we try, or how much we want things to work out, they just can't; & the best thing we can do for ourselves & everyone around us is to acknowledge this & move on. Have you & your husband tried counseling, individual & / or marriage? Do you want to? If you've been cheating on him for the length of your marriage, & he's checking out singles dating sites on the internet... maybe it's just time to "call it a day". Hope things are going okay for you.

You need to remember that this pain you are feeling right now is a pain that you have caused your husband to feel over and over again.

He was bound to crack at some point.

That's not to say that what he is considering is ideal or appropriate but if you want your marriage to survive you are both going to need to put in a lot of work if neither of you are willing than perhaps it is time to accept that it just can't work.

[ChaoticMess19]

He took our children and left today. He came back 3 hours later. There are attachment issues, we both know. It's been a horrible week here. I have discovered things about him and he has uncovered things that I had swept under the rug. It's just not ok right now. I know neither of us know how to live without the other. It's all we have known. We married at 19.. had kids.. we have known each other since we were 8. I love him. I also know I have treated him like crap. He has been by my side and yet I do not know how to communicate. I just can't. It's like I'm a child. I treat him as a parent. I get so angry. He asks constantly how I can love him and yet cheat on him for the length of the marriage. But I do love him. I seek attention, flattery, and sex. I have played a dangerous game. He says I have no empathy. We just go round and round. My heart breaks tonight. We are not speaking. He is drinking. It's just not good. I know we have to seek counseling in order to survive. So much is going on and I just feel like I'm walking on my knees. It doesn't help that I miss my mother so freakin' much. It's been one month since she has been gone. I want to call her so bad. Thank you for all of your responses. They mean more than you know.

I'm glad you didn't take what I said too badly. I felt awkward about writing it because i didn't want you to think you were to blame or a terrible person- you aren't.

It's just that I read something a while back that said to the effect that borderlines are capable of empathy they just have so much pain in their lives that it's hard to see through it to see the pain of others and I whole heartedly agree.

I have been able to curb many of my nasty habits by focusing on how it would hurt someone who cared about me.

I'm hoping maybe it can help you too.

[ChaoticMess19]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

I'm glad you didn't take what I said too badly. I felt awkward about writing it because i didn't want you to think you were to blame or a terrible person- you aren't.

It's just that I read something a while back that said to the effect that borderlines are capable of empathy they just have so much pain in their lives that it's hard to see through it to see the pain of others and I whole heartedly agree.

I have been able to curb many of my nasty habits by focusing on how it would hurt someone who cared about me.

I'm hoping maybe it can help you too.

Not at all... I appreciate it. It's something I needed to hear. He says the same things to me. He says I have no empathy. Of course, I disagree with that. I am in defense mode with him right now and that is never good. He is obsessed with me coming clean and him knowing everything. I have told him many times the things I have done. Although I know I leave some little things out, it is never as bad as he thinks it is. He has a need for me to go from beginning to end and leave no stone unturned. For me, this is impossible. I do love him. I do want my marriage to work. But my mind is going crazy. I'm just all over the place, I know. I have nasty habits that need curbing... I welcome your advice

Like I said we are more than capable of empathy it's just really hard to think of other people when your own emotions are beating you around the head with baseball bats at every opportunity.

I really hope that everything works out for you.