[Daisyonthefloor]

Hi,

I'm new here, and one of the reasons I'm here is that I realized how much my personality is really close to a bordeline personality disorder.

I'm currently 17, but I'll turn 18 in 3 months. I'm going to see a psychiatrist a bit before or after my 18th birthday, to get evaluate again since there's disorders , such as BPD, that can't really get diagnose before 18.

I just wanted to have stories about when did you found out you had BPD? I'm not really talking about '' The doctor told me '' kind of stories, i'm talking about what happened before the doctor told you. What we're the signs that you we're BPD, even if you only discovered that all of this was BPD when a doctor told you. That could really help me.

In a long story short of '' I'm actually new and too shy to tell the full story of my life'', I have a past of abusive drug use, impulsivity, chaotic sexual and emotional relationships, co-dependance, anxiety (i've been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder at 14), instability and suicidal behavior.

[gma45]

Hi Daisyonthefloor, I have never been diagnosed with BPD. I have been for depression and I knew before I had seen a doctor that I was depressed because of the way I was thinking. I was not happy about anything and addictive behavior that I knew was not right. It had gone on for to long and I just couldn't snap out of it. Going to see a doctor will be a good thing for you, I think they will be able to help. Don't give up, things can get better.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Daisyonthefloor

Hi,

I'm new here, and one of the reasons I'm here is that I realized how much my personality is really close to a bordeline personality disorder.

I'm currently 17, but I'll turn 18 in 3 months. I'm going to see a psychiatrist a bit before or after my 18th birthday, to get evaluate again since there's disorders , such as BPD, that can't really get diagnose before 18.

I just wanted to have stories about when did you found out you had BPD? I'm not really talking about '' The doctor told me '' kind of stories, i'm talking about what happened before the doctor told you. What we're the signs that you we're BPD, even if you only discovered that all of this was BPD when a doctor told you. That could really help me.

In a long story short of '' I'm actually new and too shy to tell the full story of my life'', I have a past of abusive drug use, impulsivity, chaotic sexual and emotional relationships, co-dependance, anxiety (i've been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder at 14), instability and suicidal behavior.

Hi daisyonthfloor.....I think I always knew there was something not quite right about me, about how emotionally wiped I'd get when I was hurt....how strongly I felt love and how quickly...I've had abandonment issues my whole life so that wasn't a surprise. I'd been to therapists many times in my life to help with 'depression' because that's all I said (or wanted) it to be. I was suicidal on and off, self-abusing....pretty much textbook, I found out later.

After several messed up relationships...including to men who were either emotionally or physically abusive (or both)...well, I finally had to admit something was totally wrong. I went to a pdoc to get meds (for my 'depression') but after about 20 minutes, she said "I think there is something else going on here" and referred me to my first T. The rest as they say, is ongoing history.

I'm no where near 'well' but I am far better than I was. Of course, I still have issues with picking the wrong men...my recent ex is proof of that, but each person is another lesson, as namby pamby as that sounds. I find right now, I'm better alone, and while I do get lonely, (we all do), I'd rather have my little melt downs by myself, without the added responsibility to hide them from someone I love. Pretending to be 'ok' is exhausting. If I can't divert myself, I'd prefer to be alone for the crash. Seems safer, somehow.

That's just me, tho. Everyone deals with BPD differently. Mine isn't as severe as some, and is much more so than others. I also have ADD so that doesn't help with the scattering thoughts but....oh, well.

I know you'll find therapy helpful, and you're fortunate that you've come to this 'understanding' so early in your life. I'm glad you didn't wait as long as I did. The wake of sadness, despair and hurt I've left behind me...is not something I'd wish on anyone....not even me.

Welcome to Psych Central Daisyonthefloor.

I had never heard of BPD before I was diagnosed with it, I suffered years in silence before I decided to go and get some help, I always knew something was wrong with me mentally, I was too embarrassed to say how I really felt, I was terrible with relationships and my mood swings (well I can be a b1tch)

Anyways I decided to go and see my GP and told her how I was feeling she then referred me to a Pdoc who later diagnosed me with BPD.

[Trippin2.0]

I found out when I found this forum actually.

I always knew something was off, but being dxd with bipolar disorder filled in those blanks for me.

I was having relationship difficulties with my bf and realized the people on this board were the only ones who understood...

Incidently my pdoc agreed with me that I had strong BPD traits after I brought it up and we had discussed it. But after a while it became an official dx along with my bipolar and OCD.

[Mustkeepjob32]

My pdoc happened to mentioned borderline in a casual comment she made. I said in reply, "Did you just say borderline?" It was like she forgot to tell me that I was borderline or maybe she thought I already knew. But it was an eye opener. It explained so many things once I knew I had BPD.

[Kimaya]

Hello Daisy! I am new too

I did not find out I was BPD until this year after spending years investigating disorders... the criteria for BPD did not feel like me at all when I was in my twenties and searching. I can see now that it was.

My life began to fall apart at about age 21, with my first symptoms of BPD at 13, I am now 39. I did not believe I was 'depressed', I thought I was crazy and so for a long time I refused help from any doctor who waved an SSRI at me.

Like others above have said, I knew something was wrong with me, that there was some basic component wired incorrectly. The things which led me to believe (early on) that were:

Impulsive response to pain:
I would quit my jobs because I could not tolerate being at work even when we needed the money
I would refuse to do anything I did not want to do even if it hurt other people
I would spend money we didn't have on food to make myself feel better, or games, or anything at the time to comfort me

Emotional Outbursts
I cry uncontrollably, even in public (read: at work LOL) in a stressful situation, especially if I feel like I am being misunderstood, wronged, or that someone is treating me unfairly

NonPerson
I felt like I was different from everyone else, and that people, to me were like aliens. Their lives, desires and behaviors boggled me. I could pretend to be that way, and often even feel that way, but I knew it wasn't me. I was alone.

Self-Harm
I do not self-harm actually (except rarely in extremes), but I feel like a rat in a trap with no exits except that one, so often. Pain for BPD is unbearable. I have invasive suicidal thoughts whenever anything negative or frightening confronts me.

I was dx with BPD (and PPD, GAD, MDD etc!) this year by a clinical psychologist using the personality inventory test and observation (301.83). But last year I had begun to suspect that I was BPD after beginning to look for answers again. My psychiatrist rejected my query for her reasons, which I think are mostly related to poor understanding of the criteria and too much weight lent to severe case studies.

The things which I now could recognize as a problem were the interpersonal related:
- trust/paranoia/destroyed relationships/broken job history/splitting, etc.

The best thing I can recommend is to really examine the criteria and learn about what they mean and apply it to yourself. I feel the main criteria of BPD should be intense emotional pain. The rest of it is what comes because of it. I am not a scientist though, so that's my two cents.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Kimaya

Hello Daisy! I am new too

I feel the main criteria of BPD should be intense emotional pain. The rest of it is what comes because of it..

I could not agree more. Well said.

[moodycow]

well said everyone , not much to add except that i knew also that i had more than depression but spent 35 years living with bpd before i was diagnosed i had never heard of it but i meet all 9 crirteria and my life is littered with the evidence .

I'd never heard of BPD until my diagnosis. Up until the point where I had to face court for suicide attempt when I was 16 I'd always just assumed it was depression. That's what I'd been told.

Even then no one actually told me. It was in some paperwork I'm pretty certain I wasn't supposed to see.

Come to think of it no one has ever actually said anything out loud. It's always in the paperwork.

There was a brief period where I was medicated for schizophrenia but that was by a GP I saw in the emergency room who really had no idea.

[Espresso]

Mine is a somewhat long story.

It started a few years ago. I've had issues with depression for years and years and years. A couple years ago, I felt like I was depressed but I was also noticing mood swings that didn't seem to be characteristic of depression. I was not seeing a doctor or therapist or anything at the time (no insurance). So I took to the internet, trying to figure out what was wrong with me or if everything was in my head and I should suck it up and get on with life. In my searches, I kept ending up on pages about BPD, but even though it seemed to fit my symptoms very well, I always said "no, that's not me" because those pages I was on said people with BPD are needy and manipulative and such, and even after trying to think it through objectively, I didn't see myself that way. (And now I think that people who say we are manipulative and needy are full of ****.)

Fast forward a year, I got insurance and was hooked up with some mental health services. Unbeknownst to me, the first psychiatrist I saw thought I might have BPD but never said a word to me about it. A couple months after that, I ended up involuntarily locked up in the psych ward. When asked why I self harm, I responded that it calms me or something like that, and the psychiatrist blurted out, "that sounds like BPD!" So while incarcerated, I looked at some BPD books (the dummies one and the tealish one), and it was like they were written about me. I wouldn't find out for a couple months that I was officially diagnosed with BPD while in the hospital.

It was a relief to finally have a reason for all these things about me that I thought can't possibly be normal.

[isntlifewonderful]

Hi! I was getting really close to this friend of mine, who's got BPD so I did some research. Not to judge her or anything, but to be prepared and to know how to handle her issues in a good way. I started reading about it and felt like I was reading a report about myself most of the time. It scared me at first, but now I just feel less alone talking to others with BPD... my dad's always been joking about my Borderline traits but I never took him seriously untill I realized what it was all really about. Now I'm certain I have it. I just haven't been diagnosed yet as I'm only 17.

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[waggiedog]

Hi there. Well, in a nutshell I'd suffered from all of the classic symptoms of BPD for over 30 years before I was diagnosed. I always knew there was ''something wrong'' with me. 30 years ago I just kept landing up in emergency unit/accident and emergency due to suicide attempts. It's only approx. 4 years ago that I was officially diagnosed. I was so very relieved because I had a disorder with a label. For all of those years I was called either an ''attention seeker'' or a ''time waster'' ~ yes rather cruel really as not only me, but my family suffered greatly. Hope that makes things a little clearer. HUGS and LOVES. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Blue_velvet09]

For the longest time I thought what I was going through was normal. I thought I was just being over dramatic and I was going through my teenage phase. But once I hit 21, my behavior didn't stop, so I knew I was somewhat emotionally immature.
I always knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was. Not depression, not bipolar. Not anxiety, but a similar combination of those. I finally saw a psychiatrist and was fully honest about my thoughts and behavior, and I asked what he thought could be the issue if there was any. And that's how I got diagnosed with BPD.

[Britneigh]

I'm another that didn't know about BPD till I was diagnosed. Basically I had been discharged from the hospital and the T I was seeing decided I shouldn't see her anymore because we were too close (she had been an employee at my school before so I had known her for a long time) and she didn't think she could keep it professional and not on a friendship level. Both bawled. But she dropped the BPD bomb on me that day. It was horrible trying to cope with saying goodbye to someone I trusted and the bomb shell of this diagnosis. Didn't go too well...I found out afterwards that others already knew. About a month later I was hospitalized again for an attempt because the new T was useless and hadn't a clue of how to help me.

[lazyfirefly]

I really don't know if I have BPD or not, I haven't been diagnosed with anything but bipolar.

Looking at my life now, the only way anything makes sense is if I have BPD. I'm really anxious about my life in a way I haven't been before because of it.