Stop the ride, i want off!

What is the worse trait for those of you that have Borderline? How do you deal with it? I wish there was a cure. It's so f***ing hard to keep going on this never ending rollercoaster of LIFE. Just looking for answers.

The worst thing for me is that I can't hold down a job. And I know that if I was working, my money problems would go away. But I just haven't been able.

The worst trait is it is tiresome living through challenge.

Ugh... a tossup. Apathy and crying in public. If I could lose either one of those I think my battle would be easier. There is nothing that says 'I'm crazy!' more than losing it emotionally at work, at a party, at dinner etc... It's like when you are about to vomit in public, sometimes you make it out of there in time, and sometimes you don't. Cept on a daily basis.

I think the worst for me is my obsessive feelings towards certain people in my life. I will let one person in and keep the rest at a distance. That one person will get all of my idealization. Usually they are unaware, but because it is not reciprocated I find it very painful and heartbreaking. Of course if it were to be reciprocated, it would freak me out and I run far away.

For me, it's focusing on the negative and feeling hopeless. I'm getting better at spotting the negative thinking, and talking myself out of it, but it is time-consuming.

And I've just felt listless lately... no drive...

Feeling like I need to react... to be on center stage... It just wears on me.... I crave and yet hate the drama.

I made some new friend through meetup.com and we have a private facebook page. I just see my posts as revealing so much more of the drama of my life. Their posts are boring....lol. and I'm jealous.

I realized I didn't add what I did to deal with my issues. Not that they work extremely well, but here we are:

Apathy - Sometimes if I get motivated enough to make a schedule for each hour of the day, it will help me get things done. I make sure to put in time for being lazy. LOL. I pretty much have to have set days for everything in order to build a good momentum. Another helpful motivator for me is looking through magazines on the topic of whatever I am being lazy about. I keep girlie mags (or clothing catalogs) for making myself feel like taking the time to look good even when I don't absolutely have to, health, cooking, and housekeeping mags are also very helpful for this to me.

Tears - Distraction is my usual go-to method. If something is painful I do whatever I can to think of anything else, talking about things with someone else on another topic is fastest but not always practical especially if its mid-crisis - I have a few people in my life who see my tears coming and can change the topic to something lighthearted and help me fight off the episode, thankfully, but of course with anyone else its mortifying. When on my own though, I focus on anything around me and try to make it the only subject in my head - like if I am upset at work I will pick an object on my desk and think about how it was made, where it came from, all the little details, etc. Once I feel a little calmer I may begin to try to focus on working on things which are not part of whatever was upsetting me. If thats not possible, unfortunately, getting up and leaving to go somewhere private is all I can do.

@Shakespeare47 - Oh my goodness... my posts would be boring lol. Boring isn't always awesome. I live vicariously through my siblings and their more interesting lives.

@Kimaya They're boring in that I have no idea of their struggles..... I throw mine out there for everyone to see. It's a real compulsion. I suppose there are worse compulsions, but when thinking about my posts (and some actual conversations), I feel embarrassed by how much I reveal. I've been this way for the last 20 years or so... I'd really like to get a handle on it. The worst part is, that it reminds me so much of how my dad acts... I see very little that is good in my dad.

For me it's the void. Nothing can fill it yet i practically wreck myself trying too...addiction, impulsiveness, recklessness you name it.

Loneliness.

Having an extremely strong desire for things I know I'll never have, which I call irrational desires - intimacy (both physical and emotional), and a family.

The "hole" is never receiving "unconditional love" which is what a good nurturing mother and father are supposed to provide. When this doesn't take place the child tries to find it other ways, not their fault, and because the child never had it, they always feel "afraid" any time something that looks like it might fail them like their parent or parents did.

Unfortunately, this has become a rather large problem in today's society. For some time now there has been a trend in "throw away marriages" therefore, many children just don't know "how" to have long lasting relationships. This has been further compromised with how in many cases both parents work and children grow up in day cares and never really enjoy the bonds of a parent's "unconditional love around them everyday", no, instead they are dropped off somewhere to fend for themselves in groups of children under the care of individuals that are "stangers" that are just following a structure to earn an income.

Truly good "nurturers" were never appreciated by our society, to answer "what do you do" by "I am a stay home mother" doesn't get the kind of valued "respect" that it should as being the CEO to a future generation. Our country would save a lot of money by educating and promoting "stay at home mothers and nurturers". But not stay at home mothers who just sit the child in front of the TV all day as a babysitter.

There is nothing wrong with women having careers, but the career that must come first if a child is present is "parenting". When an adult needs to be "the center of attention all the time", it means that adult needed something early on that was never provided.

I wish that women were properly educated about the significance of parenting, and men who have children should also be educated too. Having a child is a big deal, an important commitment for our society overall, it is high time people be educated about this instead of "just" having a child because that seems to be "what comes next".

It is not your fault that you "have unmet needs", yes, it is about needing "unconditional love".

OE

Yup. I'd agree with that too.

Loniliness, lack of motivation, being socially aqward, negative thoughts and self loathing. I dont have any coping statergies, i just try to put on a brave face when i need to.

I have this compulsion too. It sucks. And yeah my dad has poor judgment on appropriate topics as well. Guilt or omission particularly compel me to reveal. I avoid lying for this very reason.

My therapist drew this layered circle and put people in each layer as a guide on how close people really are but I still find it very challenging to determine what is appropriate to share. I'm almost always lost when something I have said offends someone. Sigh.

the numb void. I can't fill it, and I do reckless things to get rid of it, and nothing works. I would get rid of it in a heartbeat if I could.

It is tough. I don't know that it's wrong, necessarily... and I see people I like doing the same thing... comedians come to mind (Tig Notaro, and Mike Birbiglia)... and bloggers.

Thinking of Birbiglia.. he even talks about seeing his therapist... and she encouraged him to journal.. So, he started a public blog called his Secret Public Journal... lol!

I sometimes fantasize about coming up with a comedy routine based on the pain and struggles in my life, and trying it out on some amateur comedy night.

Yea.. for me, I just feel like.... knowing people's reactions to things helps me understand how I feel about it, and also it tells me a lot about the person. Almost like its a filter to see who makes it through as someone I might actually be able to have interesting chats with, or be friends with.

Even though I say the ones who react poorly are not my crowd and I typically categorize them as ignorant or narrow minded and then dismiss them, they still factor in to my existence - especially at work. So now I try to be careful, but its tough.

The overwhelming emotions, especially anxiety and shame. Hits me like a tsunami!