[tigersassy]

Yesterday was a major bpd day. My spouse and I had a fight and she decided to leave and go up to her brothers and was going to stay the night, but my whole world started crashing down around me. I did control it after a while. She wound up coming back home. I'm feeling a bit better. Still down, but better. I'm giving myself a pat on the back for controlling it.

[ThunderGoddess]

My boyfriend is recording his album today. I really feel anti-social and I don't want to go but I want to be with him I get so sad when he leaves I feel like a little kid holding onto his ankles as he's trying to leave but also proud of myself for staying home on my own.

[Espresso]

I feel like I've made some progress with my anger and impulsiveness, but what good is that when other people still act in ways that make me long for suicide? I can't do this anymore.

I have my days. I know that, overall, I'm depressed but I am sometimes okay and then other times I can't even motivate myself to go grocery shopping. And still there is that constant feeling like I'm standing on the other side of a wall looking in on other people, able to see them and sort of interact with them, but not able to really have any kind of relationship with them beyond the superficial. It's like most people don't want to get to know me. I feel, as I've said before (somewhere), that people are a puzzle, relationships are a puzzle, and I don't have all of the pieces. It's frustrating and quite lonely.

But I know that I have a handful of good people in my life, and I have goals which I'm focusing on, so why can't that be enough?

[technigal]

It's my 13th wedding anniversary tomorrow

[Britneigh]

Sliding back into sleeping around...4 guys...one week ...it's hard because the one guy I actually have feelings for..bah

Totaled my car yesterday so...that's awesome. I was driving home from my appointment with my T and the only thing I can think of is that I was just overwhelmed and not focused because I went right through a red light into highway traffic. I'm totally fine (really sore and bruised but fine), the other driver was pissed but fine. Nothing like this has ever happened before; I have an otherwise perfect driving record.

Being that I currently work part-time with full-time school, I'm trying to figure out creative ways of juggling a tiny bit of savings and credit to pull together another vehicle. No way I can afford a car payment. I'm trying to stay positive because it isn't the end of the world, I'm not seriously injured, and I will be able to get another vehicle. But I just feel like...ugh. I don't know.

...where is everyone? This thread is strangely quiet. Everyone okay?

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by misskeena

...where is everyone? This thread is strangely quiet. Everyone okay?

I'm right here keena. although I'll admit I've been gone awhile :P

[Mindful55]

Originally Posted by misskeena

...where is everyone? This thread is strangely quiet. Everyone okay?

Hey keena...I have been lurking..how are you? You did awesome with your classes

Sent from my SPH-L720T using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

i'm right here keena. :d although i'll admit i've been gone awhile

Whaaaaaaa?!! Omg! Hey!

Originally Posted by Mindful55

Hey keena...I have been lurking..how are you? You did awesome with your classes

Sent from my SPH-L720T using Tapatalk

Thank you.

Glad you're good. I was kind of lurking a bit as well. And then I'll spend days not checking in. I'm concerned about the people who are usually on here daily...

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Whaaaaaaa?!! Omg! Hey!

lol didn't expect that reaction. I'm hoping that's a good omg XD

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I'm right here keena. although I'll admit I've been gone awhile :P

Oh hey! I remember you!

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

Oh hey! I remember you!

LOL, yay! that's two people 'memberin' me!

[LittleEarthquakes]

I'm here too.

Originally Posted by LittleEarthquakes

I'm here too.

Hello.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

lol didn't expect that reaction. I'm hoping that's a good omg XD

Lol that's my normal reactive state. But really, there just aren't many from way back when still around. A few but not many.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I want so badly to express what I just experienced over the past couple hours. I'm going to try though, and apologize now if this gets too long.

So I just had my therapist appointment today and I was extremely anxious about it because I had so much I wanted to tell him in such a short amount of time (50 minutes which is usually an hour). I also was upset because I had to wait a month before I saw him again, instead of 2 weeks. So I prepared by writing down what I wanted to tell him. When I sat down I read what I needed to say instead of relying on myself to be quick and to the point. Afterwards nothing else was "scripted."

So we both discussed that he has started to take on a parental figure for me. He didn't say it was a problem. He said if that's what I need then OK but I'm an adult and really need to learn how to rely on myself more and trust that I can make the right decisions on my own. I told him that it was effing with my head that, yes I want him to be my dad, but I also have non-fatherly feelings towards him. He said that he knew that and it is the basic edipus complex happening.

Like the session I had several weeks ago, this was a lot about me needing to let go of him but also a lot about my past experience with my parents. He doesn't go into the past much because he feels like the present is more important but he said that times like this it is important to know why I am the way I am. It used to bother me that we didn't discuss the past but now I know that the present is what's important. That's what's really important. He's also said he doesn't like getting into the blame game where you spend a lot of time blaming your parents for your problems. It doesn't resolve much.

That works for me but I don't want to say what is right for anyone else. I'm not judging anyone's therapy.

Anyway, it then evolved into me facing the fact that I will never get what I wanted and needed as a child and I won't be able to get it from him. I cried, sobbed, just really let the mourning come out. He sat there in silence and let me grieve my childhood, the way I was ignored, and wasn't nurtured at all. It was cathartic I think. I needed that. I'm not sure it is over, the grieving, but I am getting there. He said that I needed to start letting go of him & my past. So much happened in that session.

He also told me that he would figure out a way to see me in 2 weeks. That made me very happy too. I thanked him for the time he gave me on the phone on Tuesday and he said that he was eating dinner but it was no different than if we were dining together and talking over dinner.

My dad called while I was in the appointment so he got to see his picture pop up and he commented that my dad looked like a strong man. :-) I didn't answer of course.

Finally, and this is really awesome... I was checking out and asked the secretary why she hadn't charged me yet from 2 weeks ago. She told me that my insurance is paying for everything! All $150 worth of each appointment!

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Totaled my car yesterday so...that's awesome. I was driving home from my appointment with my T and the only thing I can think of is that I was just overwhelmed and not focused because I went right through a red light into highway traffic. I'm totally fine (really sore and bruised but fine), the other driver was pissed but fine. Nothing like this has ever happened before; I have an otherwise perfect driving record.

Being that I currently work part-time with full-time school, I'm trying to figure out creative ways of juggling a tiny bit of savings and credit to pull together another vehicle. No way I can afford a car payment. I'm trying to stay positive because it isn't the end of the world, I'm not seriously injured, and I will be able to get another vehicle. But I just feel like...ugh. I don't know.

I am thankful that you are okay and didn't get too hurt in the accident. I'm sorry that happened to you. Strangely enough, just a few weeks ago my therapist was telling me to be careful driving after an appointment or when I am distraught. Hearing this happened to you makes me take it more seriously.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

LOL, yay! that's two people 'memberin' me!

I remember you too!

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

I am thankful that you are okay and didn't get too hurt in the accident. I'm sorry that happened to you. Strangely enough, just a few weeks ago my therapist was telling me to be careful driving after an appointment or when I am distraught. Hearing this happened to you makes me take it more seriously.

Thank you. I think I really should consider leaving enough time after my appointments to sit and decompress. It's strange--I am definitely not new to therapy (at this point, I've been in therapy more of my life than I've not been in it) but maybe I'm just opening up more? I don't know. Admittedly, this month has felt like one blow after another--losing my best friendship of 17 years, hearing from my mother (again), cutting off communication with my family, totaling my car, and, at the very least of it all, the rejection from the guy all on top nursing school and my normal MO of trying to survive while staying healthy and not depressed or too terribly BPD. And somewhere in there I celebrated a birthday without anyone really noticing. None of that is terribly catastrophic (no one is sick, no one died, I wasn't in an earthquake that leveled my country), but it adds up. On one hand, I'm afraid that I'm one small push away from totally falling apart but on the other hand... I think I'm actually okay. But I could use a really good, cleansing cry on someone's shoulder, heh.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Thank you. I think I really should consider leaving enough time after my appointments to sit and decompress. It's strange--I am definitely not new to therapy (at this point, I've been in therapy more of my life than I've not been in it) but maybe I'm just opening up more? I don't know. Admittedly, this month has felt like one blow after another--losing my best friendship of 17 years, hearing from my mother (again), cutting off communication with my family, totaling my car, and, at the very least of it all, the rejection from the guy all on top nursing school and my normal MO of trying to survive while staying healthy and not depressed or too terribly BPD. And somewhere in there I celebrated a birthday without anyone really noticing. None of that is terribly catastrophic (no one is sick, no one died, I wasn't in an earthquake that leveled my country), but it adds up. On one hand, I'm afraid that I'm one small push away from totally falling apart but on the other hand... I think I'm actually okay. But I could use a really good, cleansing cry on someone's shoulder, heh.

I really enjoy your posts because you make so much sense to me. I can identify with what you are feeling even though our lives are different. I guess part of that is the BPD.

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

I really enjoy your posts because you make so much sense to me. I can identify with what you are feeling even though our lives are different. I guess part of that is the BPD.

Thanks, you make sense to me as well. I'm glad I make sense to someone...I don't really feel as though I do to many people offline. I'm slowly coming to terms with that because I know what my life is and what it isn't but, you know, it's not the greatest of feelings.

Feeling bad and agitated and ugh i want to scream and cry and ugh it wont stop.