[Achy Turtle Armor]

I expected to be able to stay on my "diet" and get a lot of exercise in while in San Francisco... Hasn't happened really. Need to focus.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by isntlifewonderful

I want to cry but I can't. I want to cuddle up in her arms but she's so far away. I want to feel alive but I can barely breathe.

Reminds me of the song, Barely Breathing by Duncan Shiek.

[Kimaya]

I don't want to brush my hair.... again.

giddy pysch appt x

[riverestelle]

Have to see my psychiatrist today. He still doesn't know. I don't know if I'll have the courage to bring it up.

[Astriferous]

My aunt came in to visit for the weekend! She's a refreshing person to be around. I hope everything goes well.

Raw xxxx

[Britneigh]

My boss told me I can get a guinea pig. (Which sounds really weird unless you know I live with them).
I'm really excited since it'll be something that's mine that I can cuddle with since my dog is gone.

[icantfiguremeout]

So the past several weeks have been pure hell. I have what my husband calls episodes often. 3 in the last week. So bad that I leave the house, literally, come home, pack up almost everything I have and call people, literally lots of people to come move me out of the house and all over the most minor of things....
Today it was over gas in my car...I didn't have gas or any money and instead of doing what any normal person would do, call their husband or tell him before I left or ask for some money, I came home and was so negative with an attitude from hell. Then I escalate things over $10...really, I mean seriously?
Why can't I control my thoughts? Why can't I keep the black cat from inside my head? She consumes me, consumes my thoughts and emotions to the point that I have ruined my marriage. My husband no longer wants to talk to me, he looks at me with disgust, things get so bad...and all he has ever tried to do is be supportive and encouraging. He is a brilliant, wise, man and has learned everything there is to learn about BPD...so much so that he could be my therapist....and instead of shutting up and learning from him, listening to him, being humble and absorbing his wisdom I berate him, try and beat him down and treat him like a dog......why can't I just have a normal day? Appreciate the normalcy he tries to provide in our life? Ladies...what most of you wouldn't give to have a man like my husband. He provides like you have no idea...(not to mention the material things he gives me) and I throw it all away....I don't mean to, I can't help it...I try and I try and nothing I do works. Everything I do I fail at...Why? I just need someone to help me understand why?

[Bill3]

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. Do you see a therapist?

[icantfiguremeout]

I finally started seeing someone that I really like. My husband was paying for it...then after this last episode and with my accusations, my husband has had enough...now he won't pay for anything other than our regular house hold expenses...literally, house, electric, cable. I have to start paying for all my own food, my own bills, my gas in my car, and my therapy. It is expensive as we don't have insurance because my husband is a contractor...and all of this because I can't be humble and grateful. I am such a greedy pig. I can't keep my freaking mouth shut. After the fact I recognize how I could have done things different. But this is not what he signed up for. I have hidden everything from everyone because I have been so busy working and raising kids. Now I have all this free time on my hand and the real me is shining through...boy and I a doozy. But he won't leave me..won't ask me to leave. I do that often enough for the both of us. I am humiliated afterwards...and its getting too late...its getting too bad. I have no control...no sense of right and wrong during the episodes/rages. My husband has diagnosed me with BPD...my therapist says I have characteristics...but won't say that is what it is yet. Me personally, I think I have lost my ever loving mind and I can't find it...it's gone....my black cat has taken over and she won't release me....

[Espresso]

I was a ***** to a guy in the store today. Whoops. I guess I was having a bad day.

Having a ok day so far .....

[shezbut]

I am like a piano ~ full of all sorts of keys, except my keys are all intense. Happiness, frustration, peacefulness, paranoia, loneliness. I was explaining this strange and frustrating way of life to my pDoc just yesterday.

His response: Right now, my perspective is like a young baby's. One who hasn't yet learned object permanence. As a result, their emotions are often very similar to mine. Very in the moment ~ what they can see NOW is what moves them into happiness, frustration, fear, joy, etc.

It makes sense that I have that (even though I'm no spring chicken), due to my childhood, marriage ending, etc. The pDoc says that I will likely struggle with this concept for most of my life. So, I can choose to accept the emotional changes. Or, I can continue to let the emotional changes stress me out. Why is acceptance so hard??!

[Britneigh]

Last year at this time I was holding my mare Sully while she took her last breath. It's a day I'll never forget...I had never had to hold a horse when it was put down...but I refused to leave her side till it was done.

Rest in Peace my sweet girl. It's been a long year without you but you're no longer sick and are pain free. I promise I'll see you soon. 4/3/06 - 08/31/13

Sleep has gone to h*** again.

While tossing and turning last night suddenly realized just how much of my childhood I am missing.

It's disturbing. What happened during those years I can't remember?

confused .... Should I let him go? am I happy no more ???

[Britneigh]

My dog that I had to give away apparently has such bad worms and heart worms that she might die. The guy is starting an investigation on the farm. It's all my fault. I'm such a bad owner. I feel so terrible. I'm so over life. So over everything. I'm doing all the wrong things. My bottle of whisky and wine are calling me. I know it's not the right way to cope but I'm so tired and sick of emotions. I don't want to deal with them anymore. Everything feels so over whelming and like too much. Life is too much. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm just done. I mess everyone's life up. Now my boss has to deal with the investigation even though the dog wasn't hers. I didn't mean to have her sick. She never acted sick. I dewormed her. I swear I did. She was always running around playing and so happy. I'm a failure. I'm just such a failure and a screw up. Mayb u should just do the world a favor already and be done. I don't work for 3 days so it wouldn't be a headache for my boss to have to do the barn. Though thus far I have failed at even killing myself. That's rather pathetic. Lmao. Anyway. Sorry to burden you all with my bull shitte

[Astriferous]

I love being replaced and ignored!

This is so much fun guys!

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

My dog that I had to give away apparently has such bad worms and heart worms that she might die. The guy is starting an investigation on the farm. It's all my fault. I'm such a bad owner. I feel so terrible. I'm so over life. So over everything. I'm doing all the wrong things. My bottle of whisky and wine are calling me. I know it's not the right way to cope but I'm so tired and sick of emotions. I don't want to deal with them anymore. Everything feels so over whelming and like too much. Life is too much. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm just done. I mess everyone's life up. Now my boss has to deal with the investigation even though the dog wasn't hers. I didn't mean to have her sick. She never acted sick. I dewormed her. I swear I did. She was always running around playing and so happy. I'm a failure. I'm just such a failure and a screw up. Mayb u should just do the world a favor already and be done. I don't work for 3 days so it wouldn't be a headache for my boss to have to do the barn. Though thus far I have failed at even killing myself. That's rather pathetic. Lmao. Anyway. Sorry to burden you all with my bull shitte

Britneigh,

Warm day for a September x doggy walk it is

[Britneigh]

My dog is home. My boss insisted that I go get her even though I was worried about being a pain/burden having her back here. She's not sick in anyway. I think he more wanted to give her back because she became too much and not because she's sick. Yesterday she tried to poo and it was a legit tape cassette ribbon. I was livid that they let that happen. She's been up my butt since she's been home, she's so different. She's afraid of the dogs that she's lived with since she was a puppy. She's so odd. But she should come around. She cuddled with my guinea pig last night. I'm happy she's back, I missed her so much. Don't know if she's staying for good yet she's on probation.

[bamaborderline]

I am feeling useless and unwanted, I am here in the house with my children which are now in bed, and my ex-wife ( we are living together again ) and I just feel as though I am not good enough. My ex-wife says she would love for us to be together but she just cant' feel emotionally safe with me and that she can't get close to me right now until I get some more help. I feel like I am just not good enough.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by bamaborderline

I am feeling useless and unwanted, I am here in the house with my children which are now in bed, and my ex-wife ( we are living together again ) and I just feel as though I am not good enough. My ex-wife says she would love for us to be together but she just cant' feel emotionally safe with me and that she can't get close to me right now until I get some more help. I feel like I am just not good enough.

Can you get more help? Or try a different therapy?

Am on the second day of my week off and already I want to go back to work.

When I'm working I may be angry and stressed but at least it's a distraction.

Now all I have are my thoughts and they're making me more and more depressed.