WARNING: Long post ... patience required

So, there's this woman I've known for a few months now. I like her a lot ... she's attractive, very intelligent, and very health-conscious (like me), and she seems to have a good heart. We started off as "friends", and then one late evening, she was over at my place and the mood felt perfect for me to tell her that I liked her, and we made out and she spent the night at my place.

She's a single mom of an adorable 8 yr old, and she's a decade older than me (I only date older women). Also, she lives an hour away from me. The child spends every other weekend with her dad, and that is the only time I can ***potentially*** see her ... doesn't mean I actually get to.

Despite this already challenging setup, she only seems to be willing to spend a few hours with me on the Fridays she drops her kid off. She comes over, spends the night, and then leaves FIRST THING Sat morning ... no chillin in bed, no lovemaking, no breakfast, no explanation as to why she has to leave so suddenly and right after she wakes up. So, I've never gotten to spend even one whole weekend with her.

Also, to this day, she has not given me ONE SINGLE COMPLIMENT ABOUT ANYTHING. That's a bit strange. I sense no affection, no emotion, no passion from her. I'm almost certain that she's just being overprotective of herself because of past relationships.

I'm conveniently located halfway between the ex (her kid's dad) and her (2 hour drive), so I can't help feeling like I'm her Friday evening rest stop (she has mentioned that she finds that 2 hour drive from her ex's place very tiring). So, I feel like I'm being used.

One time, I told her the exact words (on messenger): "I miss you". She replied with "I miss my pillow". Every time I bring up "Let's go camping" or "Let's do a road trip", she says ok and then changes the subject 10 seconds later, and our "plans" never materialize. I feel like a complete jackass for showing interest in doing something with her.

I want to tell her how I feel, but every time I bring something like this up, she gets defensive and the conversation leaves me feeling stupid for bringing it up.

Once, I withdrew a bit and my tone changed (on messenger) ... it must have been extreme (BPD) because she instantly sensed it and called me out on it ... again making me feel like a jackass. Because, normally, I'm really expressive and emotional with her (my normal self).

To make things worse, I once got drunk and sent her a long email saying that I don't deserve her and that she probably doesn't want me (when the truth is that I don't want to be treated like she treats me). So, she also uses that as ammunition against me - I'm emotionally unstable.

I don't want to cut her out completely because I really enjoy the little time I spend with her, she's a good person at heart, and I know she's not doing this to me out of malice, but I also don't want to have a relationship with someone on instant messenger or be someone's rest stop.

Help ! And thanks for reading this book.

I feel for u here. It's like ur a convenience for her half way when dropping the kid off. She needs to be clear with u about what she wants -- f buddy or something further than that !!! X x

[Trippin2.0]

I agree with MTL, clarity is needed.
That way you know where you stand, what the boundaries are, and what her expectations are...

I feel for you, I hope you 2 clear this up soon as we don't swim too well in murky water.

[cryingontheinside]

Its not fair that shes using you. Does she not make love to you at all? If not she is 100 percent using you. I am a female witj bpd and used to only go for older men and i got used and treated badly but i couldnt let go. I did the same kind of klingy and dramatic texts. If their older than you they can mannage to win arguments, turn things around and get their own way.
Is there any reason why you wouldnt consider dating a girl nearer your age? I wish you the best of luck

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by muaythailady88

I feel for u here. It's like ur a convenience for her half way when dropping the kid off. She needs to be clear with u about what she wants -- f buddy or something further than that !!! X x

Thanks. Yeah, it's really frustrating that she never confronts this topic ... always tries to escape it when I bring it up.

And, we're not even f'ing, so we're not even f buddies

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I agree with MTL, clarity is needed.
That way you know where you stand, what the boundaries are, and what her expectations are...

I feel for you, I hope you 2 clear this up soon as we don't swim too well in murky water.

Thanks ! I'm starting to make the decision myself - I'm NOT going to be a rest stop anymore.

If she won't set the boundaries, I will ! To hell with her expectations. If she won't tell me them, I'll decide what her expectations are, myself

The hardest part for people like us is letting go of the hopes that "someday, something will ....". Once I let go of those hopes, everything will be ok, I know it !

Thanks again, Trippin

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Thanks !

On a different note, I've noticed your use of emoticons in several of your posts ... do you communicate exclusively through them ?

[Notoriousglo]

Would you say you are attracted to people who might be emotionally unavailable? I do this all of the time. Haven't resolved it yet.

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Its not fair that shes using you. Does she not make love to you at all? If not she is 100 percent using you. I am a female witj bpd and used to only go for older men and i got used and treated badly but i couldnt let go. I did the same kind of klingy and dramatic texts. If their older than you they can mannage to win arguments, turn things around and get their own way.
Is there any reason why you wouldnt consider dating a girl nearer your age? I wish you the best of luck

Thanks.

Nope, we don't make love. We make out but not love, and even that's only if I initiate it. I think you're right about older people having the upper hand in relationships, although I've met cold people nearer my age too.

Yes, the reason I don't date girls nearer my age is that they're not mature enough for me. I can't carry on a conversation with them. Their worlds are much brighter than mine. I live in a dark place, and they're just not capable of understanding that.

[widgets]

I think this lady may clearly have her own issues going on. I have been thinking about it and I don't feel a woman would use a man as a stop over just to avoid a straight drive.

Speaking from my own personal experience, i have acted like this in the past, i have had a male friend who I knew liked me very much, and i liked him, but I didn't know how much, i just needed things to go slowly and for me to allowed to develop my own feelings. So I would stay at his, and the evening would be lovely and then he would start to say he was falling for me or try and cuddle me too much during the night. By the morning I was so tired of all the affection as it gave me no time to think, that i needed to get away as soon as I woke up to process things...

This was entirely to do with my BPD though as I had always had the 'intense,' relationships where I was already head over heels before it had started so I was trying to maintain as safe and healthy distance in order for it to grow slowly and therefore make it last longer.

Now clearly you are the one with BPD and the male, but I just wanted to give you some insight into the fact there could be 100 reasons she is acting like this... Not just that she is using you.

She may be commitment - phobic?

Whatever the case may be though, your health is entirely the most important thing and if this relationship is not working for you, then I believe you should get out!

Maybe if you explain that you can't carry on a relationship like this, then she may open up at the thought of losing you, if she doesn't then you have to walk away though as clearly if that doesn't make her be honest with you then nothing will and you are worth more than being in that relationship.

As Said before it can take someone with BPD every ounce of strength to walk away. It's easier said than done.

But always know you are worth more than someone who can't be honest with you.

[widgets]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

Thanks.

Nope, we don't make love. We make out but not love, and even that's only if I initiate it. I think you're right about older people having the upper hand in relationships, although I've met cold people nearer my age too.

Yes, the reason I don't date girls nearer my age is that they're not mature enough for me. I can't carry on a conversation with them. Their worlds are much brighter than mine. I live in a dark place, and they're just not capable of understanding that.

Haha I get that!

I only date guys older than me because they can understand my bitterness way more than any guy my own age...

I always meet guys my own age and think I don't want to taint them with my Misery. :/

That's my low self esteem.

It's why I date mean guys - another topic I think we discussed this before somewhere

Originally Posted by euphy

Would you say you are attracted to people who might be emotionally unavailable? I do this all of the time. Haven't resolved it yet.

Yeah, I guess so ! It's strange, isn't it ?! Emotionally unavailable or "cold" as I like to describe them

I think it's because, maybe, we feel, subconsciously, like they might be potential saviors, because they're emotionally stronger than us (less dependent on us than we are on them).

Originally Posted by widgets

I think this lady may clearly have her own issues going on. I have been thinking about it and I don't feel a woman would use a man as a stop over just to avoid a straight drive.

Speaking from my own personal experience, i have acted like this in the past, i have had a male friend who I knew liked me very much, and i liked him, but I didn't know how much, i just needed things to go slowly and for me to allowed to develop my own feelings. So I would stay at his, and the evening would be lovely and then he would start to say he was falling for me or try and cuddle me too much during the night. By the morning I was so tired of all the affection as it gave me no time to think, that i needed to get away as soon as I woke up to process things...

This was entirely to do with my BPD though as I had always had the 'intense,' relationships where I was already head over heels before it had started so I was trying to maintain as safe and healthy distance in order for it to grow slowly and therefore make it last longer.

Now clearly you are the one with BPD and the male, but I just wanted to give you some insight into the fact there could be 100 reasons she is acting like this... Not just that she is using you.

She may be commitment - phobic?

Whatever the case may be though, your health is entirely the most important thing and if this relationship is not working for you, then I believe you should get out!

Maybe if you explain that you can't carry on a relationship like this, then she may open up at the thought of losing you, if she doesn't then you have to walk away though as clearly if that doesn't make her be honest with you then nothing will and you are worth more than being in that relationship.

As Said before it can take someone with BPD every ounce of strength to walk away. It's easier said than done.

But always know you are worth more than someone who can't be honest with you.

Thank you so much !

Your experience with that guy makes a lot of sense and gives me insight into what might be going on in her mind.

I have tried telling her that this is not going to work for me, but she got very defensive, and just wouldn't budge. She is somehow able to maneuver out of tough conversations like those. So, that's not an option for me. I need to do this indirectly.

I know that she definitely has commitment issues ... she constantly brings up ex's and the bitter breakup with the father of her kid. She's even told me in plain English, "I need to be very careful who I date, because of my girl.".

I should have just used my brain instead of my heart It's totally obvious what's going on, so I shouldn't feel so lost or helpless !

Thanks again !

Originally Posted by widgets

Haha I get that!

I only date guys older than me because they can understand my bitterness way more than any guy my own age...

I always meet guys my own age and think I don't want to taint them with my Misery. :/

That's my low self esteem.

It's why I date mean guys - another topic I think we discussed this before somewhere

Hehe, yeah !

This illness really is God's gift, isn't it It's like we stand outside our bodies watching ourselves doing stupid s*** (DSM: "Self-defeating behaviors). Can anything be worse ?

[widgets]

Oh yes it is!!!

The worst part is if I recognise these behaviours in others I am the first to tell them where they are going wrong. I read somewhere 'borderlines have enormous empathy and can often advise others exactly the right thing to do but aren't able to apply that advice to their own life!'

Keep us posted on what happens.

Please don't hang on if you aren't being treated with respect!

Whatever issues she may or may not have, doesn't mean she can treat people badly. The same as we shouldn't do to others.

[Astriferous]

I think you should call her out on it. Who knows, maybe there's a reasonable explanation for her behavior?

I've been in a situation like this. Actually, several. And in all of the scenarios, there has been a logical explanation. First time it happened, the boy was having some family issues, and didn't have much time for me. Of course at the time, I was too blinded by my own emotions to realize that. Funny thing was that he became responsive when we were talking about sex. I was seriously considering having sex with him just so I could get attention from him.

Now it's a little different. The boy I fancy at the moment is too busy with work and too caught up in his own needs to spend time with me. I left him quite a long text about this and I gave him an ultimatum: either spend time with me or get out of my life. (NOT a good thing to do, by the way.) He's experienced my paranoid delusions and my emotional instability, yet somehow he hasn't run away screaming.

Anyways, moral of the story is that there's nothing wrong with calling someone out on behavior that bothers you. As long as you word it right, everything should go smoothly. When you're mentally ill, it's hard to tell whether or not your irritation is rational or irrational. Your qualms are totally valid, however. Feeling used sucks, man.

Please update us!

Originally Posted by widgets

Oh yes it is!!!

The worst part is if I recognise these behaviours in others I am the first to tell them where they are going wrong. I read somewhere 'borderlines have enormous empathy and can often advise others exactly the right thing to do but aren't able to apply that advice to their own life!'

Keep us posted on what happens.

Please don't hang on if you aren't being treated with respect!

Whatever issues she may or may not have, doesn't mean she can treat people badly. The same as we shouldn't do to others.

Thanks ! I will keep y'all updated. I really appreciate your support

Originally Posted by Astriferous

I think you should call her out on it. Who knows, maybe there's a reasonable explanation for her behavior?

I've been in a situation like this. Actually, several. And in all of the scenarios, there has been a logical explanation. First time it happened, the boy was having some family issues, and didn't have much time for me. Of course at the time, I was too blinded by my own emotions to realize that. Funny thing was that he became responsive when we were talking about sex. I was seriously considering having sex with him just so I could get attention from him.

Now it's a little different. The boy I fancy at the moment is too busy with work and too caught up in his own needs to spend time with me. I left him quite a long text about this and I gave him an ultimatum: either spend time with me or get out of my life. (NOT a good thing to do, by the way.) He's experienced my paranoid delusions and my emotional instability, yet somehow he hasn't run away screaming.

Anyways, moral of the story is that there's nothing wrong with calling someone out on behavior that bothers you. As long as you word it right, everything should go smoothly. When you're mentally ill, it's hard to tell whether or not your irritation is rational or irrational. Your qualms are totally valid, however. Feeling used sucks, man.

Please update us!

Thanks I'll probably end up just backing off slowly till she gets the message. I may sound like a vengeful a**hole, but I want to give her a dose of her own medicine. No more rest stops or wasting my time listening to her s*** on messenger.

Keep us updated xxx