[dancinglady]

I am trying to help my sons cuz of the mistakes I made when they were children. If your parent wanted to do this too what would you want them to do for or with you? What would make the difference? Would you want then to put you in therapy, teach you DBT skills? I don't want to screw this up so I would like some advice.

[jelly-bean]

You don't say what problems your sons and daughters have. I can't try to help without knowing that first.

There are a lot of variables. What has the parent done? Is the child ready to forgive?

My father was outright abusive (emotionally and physically) and I haven't spoken to him in something like 3 years. In the end he tried to have me arrested for something he asked me to do.

However, I am a relatively forgiving child. I understand why he is the way he is and I can't hate him for that.

So for me I'd need him to stop drinking, actively start working on his problems, acknowledge the wrongs he did me and apologize.

There is absolutely nothing he will get from me until he can admit he was wrong. (Without any poor me sob stories, like I said I already know. I don't need or want to hear excuses.)

I think the key for me would be for him to actually try and build a relationship with me.

The absolute worst thing he could do is walk in with gifts. That would feel a little too much like trying to buy my love.

His money can't fix the issues he's left me with, him finally admitting he was a bad father might at least bring some closure.

[shezbut]

I agree with the others. I need to know what was done wrong.

I can forgive and forget some aspects of my childhood, like M-A-Y-B-E having to move every year of my childhood (which meant change in schools, as well). Others... like my watching my sister growing into a woman with AsPD, and my abusive brother with NPD... no, I have a hell of a time forgiving them for that! I am trying, and trying ~ but, I am just not willing to forgive them yet. It hurts too much.

[Fuzzybear]

I have a hard time too forgiving some NPD actions which screwed up my childhood (and life pretty much )

[dancinglady]

Maybe I wasn't clear. My kids grew up with me suffering with BPD. I did not have a lot of healthy coping skills. Yes we moved a lot yes there was chaos. No I did not have the DBT for living life effectively. They watched me go into the hospital 4 times. They lost their father to a heart attack when they were young. They never saw effective interpersonal relationships cuz I did not have any.

Two of them are 5 PT's above mental retardation so they have very low level jobs. They do not have the reasoning and logic skills to solve problems. Of course they do not see these things as obstacles due to their low IQ and those limitations.
They lack DBT skills they have ADHD. They lack the skills and knowledge they would have received from
Parents without mental illness.

I believe they could have a better run in life if they go through DBT training. It is not necessary for them to forgive me unless they want to I don't care if they go into a therapist office with me and scream at the top of their lungs about how horrible they think their childhood was. I want them to get any and all pain out in the open so we can talk about it and they can heal if that is necessary. I just want them to have the best and happiest life they can so I want to fix what they lack due to their childhood experience or lack of.
I don't want them to think I think they are sick and need help. I just want them to learn what I know now. I want them to have more tools.

[dancinglady]

Thanks bête. I am working on my issues I have for 32 yrs. started in tx when I was pregnant with my second child. It was the old ineffective treatment all this time. I have asked my kids to forgive me for the mistakes I have made. I am trying my best to improve our relationship and be the mom they need. I just don't think that is enough for them.

[Crazy Hitch]

Forgiveness is hard and forgetting can be even harder.

And I think that before they can forgive you - you need to forgive yourself. You can't change what happened but you can change how you are now, and from what you have written it sounds like you are.

I hope you find some peace.

Originally Posted by dancinglady

Two of them are 5 PT's above mental retardation so they have very low level jobs. They do not have the reasoning and logic skills to solve problems. Of course they do not see these things as obstacles due to their low IQ and those limitations.
They lack DBT skills they have ADHD. They lack the skills and knowledge they would have received from
Parents without mental illness.

If they are happy is there really any need to change it?

I understand that as a parent you want the best for your children but sometimes I think much unhappiness comes from realizing all we can't have or that we aren't living up to our full potential.

My mother has a less than average IQ and quite frankly is rather oblivious to the world.

More than once I have cringed in embarrassment for her while she continues on completely clueless as to the fact she has just been insulted.

Would knowing she has just been insulted really help her?

[JadeAmethyst]

Dancinglady, I am glad that you are interested in your Adult Children's well-being.
I felt/feel the same way and share some similarities with you.

A lot of good info has been provided already, so I will add to them by sharing my some insights I have had in the last two years along these lines.
Forgive yourself first. If you are able to talk to a therapist or clergy person.

I hope you feel better soon, and I wish you well and ease in your heart.

Jade

[dancinglady]

Thank you. Yes I am in DBst and have been in therapy for 32 years. I have talked quite extensively with my T. He thinks I am on the right path. I just wanted to hear from others what they wish their parent would do to correct the mistakes they made since we can't undo the past

Hi dancinglady, how old are your kids ? It wasn't clear to me. Would you say they are mature enough to understand your issues ?

I'll tell you what has worked wonders for me in my relationship with my parents. Just a good ol' candid conversation, heart to heart. My parents have been very good about being open and honest with me.

If they are mature enough and can handle it, just sit your boys down, and calmly explain what has happened over the years, and how that has affected your parenting abilities. Explain it in terms they can understand, given their maturity, IQ, and knowledge of your particular issues. If they are able to see the underlying fundamental issue, forgiving you will be easier, and they will be able to move on with their lives and forget the past much easier.

This sounds so cliche, and perhaps you've already tried it ? But, I really think that this is the best way to mitigate what has happened in the past and its effect on your boys' lives.

Another way might be to first get an opinion from your shrink/therapist ? Ask him the same questions you've asked us ?

Hope this helps.

[allme]

I think it is wonderful you want to do this...it made me think I wish my mother was as aware and want to help as much as you do....

[sidney1771]

This might not come across very nicely, so I apologize, but do your children blame you or see that you made mistakes? I'm not a parent, but I know my mother expresses immense guilt that she had no idea how much I was 'suffering' as a child and how she wishes she could have done things differently. I tell her that I was a kid and how was I suppose to know that the things I was doing, feeling, experiencing and thinking weren't normal. The guilt that she has now is completely misguided because as a kid...I didn't know any different...my screwed up mind was perfectly OK because that was all I knew. Looking back at my childhood, I can see how things weren't right, but back then...it was fine.

So...with your kids...do they know that you 'did wrong' by them? Is this just you wishing things could have been different? If they are happy and if you have a good relationship with them, why tear down what you have and tell them that the path you all took to get there was really bad and should have been better. Give yourself credit for doing the best that you could at each moment. At this time, give them the best you have and offer the chance to not correct your 'bad parenting mistakes', but more of a way to continue to grow because you love them and are able to now offer them more then what you could before.

I guess...I'm clumsy at this...don't help them to make up for what you didn't do. Help them continue being great because you can help them right now and in the future be even better then they are, if they want it. Parents want the best for their kids but what exactly that is, tends to be highly skewed. I just want unconditional love and emotional support. My parents want me to have the world. What do your kids really want. Find that answer and figure how to make their needs come true. DBT coping skills might help them achieve those desires or maybe not.

[dancinglady]

OMG you made me cry. U said this so beautiful. This is what my children and T have been saying all along. I guess it takes an outsider to say it for me to hear. Thank you.