[whateverforever1]

I'm going to make this short. I feel very awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassed. Literally want to cringe I feel so awkward.

I was very suicidal last night and called T, told her of my intent to take 2 bottles of pills that night, she said I need to go to the hospital. Basically, long story short, I convinced her I was fine. Instead I went out with my friends ... it wasn't the best night, I did some molly, vicodin, cocaine, but at least I was out and laughing a little than dead.

I feel really uncomfortable because the whole night seems like a giant blur now. I know the T was very worried I could hear it in her voice, and I feel bad. So bad. It makes me feel awkward to know that she knows what's in my head... I'm very ashamed of the way I feel and in my everyday life I play a character this is smart, controlled, lively, outgoing, friendly- not in any way depressed. I'm great at putting on a face, but this T knows the true feelings I have. I feel uncomfortable to talk to her today... and embarrassed that I put her through distress. It also makes me want to suffer alone, and not tell my true feelings so fear that 1. she'll put me in a hospital, but moreso 2. that I will be a pain in her ***. I know I am very difficult to deal with. I know of course, she's dealt with people like me before. But I feel bad that I'm not getting better. I'm a true impulsive trainwreck and it's been months and months of this.

I'm just dreading her call today to see how I'm feeling... I want to disappear. I feel so ashamed. I don't think it's normal to feel this way. I get that the T is on your side, but I wish she almost didn't know anything about me.. but then what's the point

[CANDC]

whatever forever, congratulations on calling your therapist when you were feeling so bad. of course the t is worried. that is the worst situation for a t when someone threatens SI.

at the hospital you get professional people trying to adjust medications to put you on a path to stability.

self medication gives you a confusing blur and no scientific basis for stability. there are great risks in self medicating with rec drugs.

maybe it is not so shameful what you did, but that you survived rec drugs without serious consequences gives you another chance for professional help that will aim at a more stable level of calm. maybe it is less normal to go out on the town with friends rather than listen to professional(s) trying to help you get things into a stable state.

[richeye]

Hugs Whateverforever,

As a recovered alcoholic, i know what it's like to get absolutely trashed in order to feel better. It is temporary relief, but it puts you into a deeper hell than what you were feeling before you self-medicated.

I know what it's like to feel that guilt. But our bpd makes it so much worse. I'm just learning about my own bpd and how i feel tar on my soul, and this is after being in therapy for years. So just remember that you are not alone.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi whateverforever

I get where you are coming from.

You spoke out loud what you felt inside.

There's no shame or guilt to be had in that.

This is what your T is trained for. She's a mental health expert. she wouldn't be in it if she wasn't mentally enabled and highly competent to deal with complex situations.

T's hold a professional stand point. Remember, she is not your "friend". She is your professional advocate. There'd be a huge difference if you had told a close family member last night. You spoke to a trained professional. That's good. She can handle it. This is the stuff she is made of.

So you hold your head up high when you see her or speak to her. You tell her truthfully you were not in a good way. You tell her truthfully what you did last night. You tell her you feel ashamed. Let her guide you through your feelings about this situation. Let her navigate you towards the path of peace in having disclosed this. If she is professional she will guide you towards processing this.

If this is the first time you have contacted your T in this regard about this kind of situation - I would expect there to be some further discussion around what plan of action would be taken if you find yourself in the same situation again. That way there are no surprises for anyone involved.