[ThunderGoddess]

I always think my boyfriend is lying about being at work even though we have decided to get trackers on our phone to ease my suspicions! Sometimes I think he leaves his phone at work then goes out with a girl or a strip club. I make myself sick over this, I'm surprised I still feel so paranoid even after I see the tracker is located on his work it does nothing to ease my suspicions.

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey Thunder,

I see that you are a fairly new here - welcome to the forums and thanks for posting! You will find this place to be very welcoming and full of wisdom and insight.

The suspicious and paranoid thoughts that you are experiencing are relatively normal for any relationship. I think anyone who claims otherwise is just not capable of grasping the intricacies of all relationships and the many things - that can and often do, arise.

The first thing I think when I read your post - is how wonderful it must feel to have a boyfriend who is willing to put a tracker on his phone! I think that is amazing! There are many people who would absolutely LOVE to be able to do that. Unfortunately, for most of us: when we ask the other person in the relationship to do something like that - they can react in any number of ways. Usually it hurts us more and truly tests the stability of the relationship as a whole. Ultimately it was never worth bringing up.

So just know how lucky you are - and in my opinion: the fact that your boyfriend is even willing to do that at all - is a sign that he has nothing to hide.

The real problem is when that is not enough for you. I assume you have voiced your concern about this? Regardless - I think that you should be wary how you approach it. The last thing you want to do is ruin the relationship.

I have very little experience in relationships - but I know that paranoia became an issue. For me it was learning to distract myself when those thoughts came up. If I was bombarded with thoughts and I did nothing to stay busy - I would convince myself that something was going on. Nine times out of ten I was wrong. And when I was right - it was very minor stuff that I had no right to question...

I hope this helps,

Try and reflect on what you have already: a boyfriend who clearly values you enough to allow tracking on his phone! He is fully aware of your insecurities and he is willing to help you work through them - because to him: you are clearly worth it! That is amazing. I am sorry that you are feeling this way despite his efforts to help you.

Personally - I think there is nothing else that he can (reasonably) do in order to ease your suspicious feelings. In this case: I think you should either distract, talk to a friend or a therapist about ways to deal with these feelings, or very calmly approach your boyfriend and let him know how you feel. In my opinion you should talk to others before you talk to your boyfriend. I know for my own experience in relationships - if you can avoid talking to your boyfriend about something like this - when he has already allowed you to track his phone - then it may be a better way to deal with the situation.

Question: Do you feel the need to follow your boyfriend and see what he does throughout the day?

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi Thunder

This must be very hard for you.

I think that your boyfriend is doing everything he can to try and accommodate you. Not toooooooo many would be willing to put a tracker in their phone but he does this because he loves you and he's concerned about you.

So ask yourself this question: how is this working for me? It isn't, is it.

Because even when you see he's at work you still suspect he may be elsewhere. My very honest opinion is that he genuinely is at work. So this method is not working for you.

It's consuming you.

You need to start working on the root cause of the problem. Where and when in your life did you begin to feel insecure or that significant others may leave you or that someone else out there may be better than you? I may be totally off without this paragraph. But if I'm on track, some of these feelings would have happened long long before you met your boyfriend, possibly past experiences.

I'm not sure because I don't know you well enough yet. So I'm just putting it out there.

[ThunderGoddess]

Thank you for your responses I keep forgetting this blog! Ugh haha I agree with both of you if he was lying he wouldn't let me track him and the app was his idea! I do feel very lucky because he goes above and beyond to make sure I feel safe and reassured. It is def my mind that needs some work. I've been getting better since last time I was here though I used Wise Mind to get me through these trust issues I LOVE WISE MIND

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by ThunderGoddess

Thank you for your responses I keep forgetting this blog! Ugh haha I agree with both of you if he was lying he wouldn't let me track him and the app was his idea! I do feel very lucky because he goes above and beyond to make sure I feel safe and reassured. It is def my mind that needs some work. I've been getting better since last time I was here though I used Wise Mind to get me through these trust issues I LOVE WISE MIND

I haven't heard of wise mind - might just look into it, thank you!

[ThunderGoddess]

It's the most helpful DBT tool I've learned yet because I often make very quick decisions which I would later regret. A little simplified explanation/example
take note of your emotions during a situation- I feel anxious and suspicious
take note of the reality of the situation- my boyfriend is at work the tracker says so and he called me on break from the work phone
Make a decision based on wise mind -
I'll trust him and finish my art project instead of interrogating him or worrying all night.
I believe it's the second part of mindfulness section of DBT. I have the DBT workbook by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey Wood and Jeffrey Brantley. I definitely encourage looking into Wise Mind

[allme]

Hi and welcome!

I sued to feel like you and at one point, while we worked together, I would follow him to the toilets and check if anyone was meeting him in there. I even entered the mens toilets and checked under the door for more than one set of feet!!! I was intensely jealous and obsessed with him cheating on me. This caused a lot of trouble for us both and a lot of pain.

During one of my episodes he asked me what good was coming from all my worrying...he said if he was the type of person to do it he would of despite my worries and accusations. And he asked me how would I feel to know 100% he hasn't cheated on me and have gone through all the mental torment. I slowly learned it was out of my control...there was no amount of jealousy or fear or obsessing I could do that would prevent him from doing so...I slowly (over years) understood without proof I would have to trust him, not just for me, but for his sanity too. I told myself I would just deal with it if it ever happened for real. This was also down to my very low self wroth and I guess I felt bad enough that he would want to cheat on me. As my self worth has improved so did my obsession with him cheating.

I hope you find peace, I know how soul destroying it can be.

[ThunderGoddess]

Oh man yeah my friend used to follow her husband into bathrooms too BUT he did cheat on her before so she was very stressed out, I don't think she has BPD though. But I found that calm place too finally!! I let go and said if he's going to cheat I won't be able to prevent it by worrying although sometimes the insecurity does pop up but I try to use distraction and wise mind. Thank you for your advice and kind words