[sinking]

Hello,

even though i havent been diagnosed with PBD, i have always struggled with the push/pull dynamic and i feel i have pretty strong BPD tendencies, so i am posting here because i feel its the best place to be understood and hopefully being given some good advice.

i am at the beginning of a new relationship with an old friend and ex boyfriend (had been together for a couple of months during school). he is wonderful, we talk about everything and he knows about my physical intimacy issues. he is patient and understanding and supportive. i love him. i think he is the one and i want a future with him, getting married, kids and all. thats what i want and we have gone through a lot before giving it a new try (after 10 years out of touch and about half a year being only friends), with me wanting it more than anything else

BUT now, i dont feel excited about us being together, i dont feel in love. it just feels "normal" and the initial mild physical attraction is fading away. maybe because im scared, i dont know. i dont like holding hands, kissing, doing everything together, seeing him so often. we have talked about this but i see the less i see him the less i feel like seeing him again. i have been alone 95% of my life, maybe thats why i feel more comfortable alone.

i dont want to have these feelings. they always arise when i am in a relationship - thats why i've avoided them for so long. it has happened that i have felt happy about being with him and i feel good in his company but i feel as if now that i've obtained what i wanted, i dont want it anymore. or, still WANT it but dont FEEL it. and i hate it and i hate myself.

is there a way to fix things? anyone can relate? any advice? i want this relationship to work.
thanks

[jelly-bean]

It might do you a lot of good if you spoke to a Therapist or a pdoc about this. It sounds like you don have an actual diagnosis yet so I would suggest that you make an appt and see what you can find out. The right meds can make all the difference in the world.

[katluvzpurple]

I've noticed my presence in my relationship directly relates to my own self-esteem and current state (depression, on a high/low, emotional). It is possible that you are growing "tired of him" and not enjoying the relationship due to other factors... perhaps you jumped into this too soon after re-establishing contact? (I'm just asking questions, but certainly am not assuming you have, so I hope it comes across this way). Maybe it's just taking time for you to adjust to the relationship?

That being said, it's possible that you're feeling conflicted.. part of you wants to be with him and have that level of committment, while the rest of you is expecting him to leave you (abandonment issues are common for bpd) and you're trying to spare yourself the pain by pushing away?? How long have you been together? Do you think your relationship has changed? I know I've struggled with a partner that sometimes takes me for granted (no one is perfect, and I know I do the same), and it makes it difficult to discern what is the mental illness, and what is a normal reaction to an unhappy situation.

If you'd like to chat more, I'm also happy to private chat. Wishing you all the best.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi there sinking,

Yes, push pull, not unusual for bpd and relationships at all.

I think it's about really trying to get the root of this in order to make changes in the most positive way forward.

For all of us that may do this in relationships, the root cause may be slightly different, originating from different experiences we may / may not have had, and some of these experiences might have been experienced in childhood. So it might be tricky to pinpoint something specific.

I guess I'm alluding to asking if there is a defining moment that maybe you can think of from early on that caused you to start putting up the barrier once things start moving?

I'm not sure what your stem might be.

I know mine is certainly linked to the fact that my biological mother left when I was 2. That was / is a major influencing factor even to this day for me. If I wasn't good enough then, how could I be good enough now (those are just some of the random thoughts that flicker through my mind sometimes)

[sinking]

Thank you all SO much for answering.

Jelly-bean, i have been in therapy before, but i dont want to go back. actually i had started therapy right because of these issues, that i resloved isolating myself and keeping my emotions to myself. but then it was about friends, now with a boyfriend its different and harder. i didnt expect this to happen again and i dont know what to do.

Katluvzpurple, i am feeling more positive than ever at the moment and it is him giving me this positive attitude. we started hanging out as friends this summer, have been growing closer and closer and 2 weeks ago decided to try again being together. i dont think this time it is about abandonment issues (or they are so deep i dont acknowledge them), on the opposite, i feel almost too secure and that he is too clingy, i feel smothered and kind of pressured. and this is exactly what happened with him and others in the past and why we brokeup. but if i started to think he is noticing my real feelings and was thinking about leaving me i would change again and start the pull phase. i guess my dread now is physical intimacy. i want it but at the same time i feel forced to it (by myself more than by him) and scared about it.

Hooligan, yes, i think i know when my push/pull issues started and why they got worse, but how does this help me not feeling like pushing him away now? this is not what i want but this is what i feel. and i dont want it!

at this point i have always kept pushing until the breakup point. when i was afraid of something i would run away from it. i dont want to do this anymore, i dont want to keep pushing, but i also feel compelled to do it. how do i overcome this point? i dont think im good at faking i love being with him when i keep thinking i cant wait to go home and be alone. letting him touch me, kiss me, hold my hand, when i hate it. why do i even hate it? i love him and i want to enjoy these things, not live them as torture.

what do you do when you want something but feel you hate it?

how do you stop pushing before pulling becomes necessary?

thanks for your help.

[sinking]

PS.

writing here helped me understand it all spins around my fears, so i've decided to face them head on.

if physical intimacy is what i dread and makes me feel like pushing him away, i've decided to take the initiative and fix a "hot session" tomorrow.

this is making me feel so much more in control and less like pushing him away.

what do you think? could this work?

[Crazy Hitch]

I think that if you are comfortable with setting a hot session, because this makes you feel more in control and less like pushing him away - GO FOR IT!

Just let us know you feel afterwards

[MrGrendel]

Well i hope this helps somewhat. I found that for me at least the push pull thing comes into play when i used to expect strong intense feelings in a relationship. I've changed my mind about what relationships are supposed to be like. You won't always feel intense feelings for someone. Sometimes you wont feel anything at all but I've realized that love involves a sober choice to commit to a relationship rather merely the intense feeling i had come to expect. So i guess im trying to say that since im not looking for a thrill any more and have come to appreciate the comfort of being with someone that i can rely i've had a more stable relationship (going on four years now). Thats not to say it isnt bumpy i still feel lonely sometimes and even crave that intense intimacy but its more manageable. Comfort is great, its stable and when intense intimate moments happen they are nice too but i dont make them the basis of the relationship anymore. I mean you cant feel all lovey dovey ALL the time and i think its unreasonable to expect that. I don't know if its the same for you so i hope this makes sense lol.

[sinking]

Thank you! the hot session went very well. im glad i followed through the plan even though i was scared.

i still inside feel this push/pull feelings about him but this helped to make them fade and now i feel kind of neutral (like MrGrendel said, no intense feelings) but since i also feel more in control it is a "positive-neutral". i mean... i have hope.

Thank you for your support!
wish you all the best!