[whiskey_princess]

I have just recently found out that I am pregnant.

Yes, I am excited. But, I'm also terrified because of the havoc pregnancy is already wreaking on my fragile emotional state.

As a woman diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I am prone to extremely volatile emotions as well as intense fears of abandonment. Add pregnancy hormones, and, you have a recipe for disaster. Borderline amplified. I find myself cycling through emotions faster than a NASCAR driver laps the the track during the qualifying round. The Borderline in me says that there's no way my husband will put up with these emotions, being a victim of the multiple explosive episodes guaranteed to happen daily. He'll leave, and I won't blame him. On top of all of that, I am concerned about the affect these strong negative emotions will have on the developing baby.

The smallest falter will set me off into full rage, being with a Borderline means walking on eggshells, being with a pregnant Borderline means those eggshells are replaced with broken glass coated with sulphuric acid and lit on fire, maybe laced with a few land mines just to keep it interesting, and you are forced to walk that barefoot. Good luck.

I do not intend to be this way, to have so little control over my emotions, and I guess that's something my husband doesn't understand. I get angry over some trivial matter, and I lash out at him. Sometimes, he just gets me back, making the situation, in its entirety, much worse. I absolutely hate myself for behaving like this (not like I didn't hate myself before, it's just amplified now). I spend entirely too much time either pissed off, or sobbing.

I wish I had someone I could talk to who understands what I am going through. Someone who won't accuse me of making it up or dismiss me as being selfish. I don't really have friends, and my husband, though Borderline himself will most certainly not understand, and will most likely only get fed up with me. He tells me to just stop feeling whatever negative emotion I am feeling. I tell him, it's not a light switch, I can't just turn it off.

Pregnancy is supposed to be beautiful, I am beginning to think that mine will be nothing more than nine months of pure hell. I want the baby, yes, I just don't want to feel like this for the next nine months. I say nothing to those around me about how I feel, because either they won't care, or they will tell me I am selfish for feeling this way.

I can feel the sadness building up in my chest, almost like a black hole, swallowing any chance I have at happiness. I want nothing more than the satisfaction of dragging a razor across my skin. I've already given up all of my other vices; alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. I feel like a few cuts would be harmless in comparison to what I could be doing. I doubt my husband would share the same opinion.

On top of everything else I am feeling, I also feel extremely undesirable. I feel like any level of attractiveness I had before is well on its way to being gone now. I'm only going to get fat, have stretch marks, and darkened nipples for the rest of my *******ed life. For a person diagnosed (and recovered) from Anorexia Nervosa, that's a punishment worse than almost any other. It doesn't help that my husband barely kisses me anymore, and we haven't even come close to having sex in weeks.

[ThunderGoddess]

It sounds like that is very difficult I was always worried about having a child for the same reasons. What I thought of doing if I did get pregnant is try to follow a mindfulness routine because even with out bpd pregnancy hormones can make you feel very upset and frustrated but try to Sit alone in a quite place and just relax at least once a day that may help ease some of your tension. Focus your energy on making your baby feel like they are in a safe enviornemnt If you ever need to vent feel free to message me please keep yourself safe

Do you have a therapist You can contact if you start feeling the need to self harm? I would def try to get one if you don't have one you deserve to not be in this alone! 🌻 if you feel out of control and have no one to talk to the suicide prevention line has some really caring people available to talk to 1-800-273-8255

[sideblinded]

Ah, so sorry to hear about your issues and feelings. I hope that you can keep reaching out here as many others will be able to relate and give you more feedback. Welcome to PC. If you have any questions about how to navigate this site please feel free to contact a community liaison or moderator. I wish I could help but I have not experienced your types of issues but many here have so hope to see you around the forums.

[pegasus]

Hello whiskey princess, I think you might be surprised. There comes a point (after all the throwing up) that you start to feel a little happier in the pregnancy. You've heard of the blooming, well it's kind of a peaceful feeling actually. The issues may arise once the baby is born but your medical team should be aware of that, post blues which hit very badly. Make sure you have as much support as you can. It's not all doom and gloom, I promise.

[CANDC]

Hi Whiskey Princess, sorry you are feeling so much distress with the BPD and the growing baby. I do understand that you are not making it up. You really are going through this and need a lot of support and are not getting it.

Whenever I hear about thoughts of self harm. you say

a few cuts would be harmless

I don't think it is harmless because I have seen others who have gone down the path of self harm. Stopping now before starting will preserve your dignity and make coping easier. Besides if the doctor sees scars they will know about the self harming. It could risk consequences from that discovery.

I want to believe you when you say you want the baby, but I see many problems that you see too. Your husband is not able to neutralize your emotional outbursts and even fights back. The emotions of having a baby seem to be scary as well as the responsibility of nurturing a baby 24 seven with possibly little help from your husband because of his condition. You are struggling with BPD and just trying to cope.

Friends I know that are in the mental health professions, with an ideal relationship, supportive mothers and motherinlaws, and a good financial environment are struggling to keep up with the changes with the baby. Both are 100% dedicated to each other and the baby. Keeping a relationship together that is hitting some rocky patches can be difficult enough. Adding the baby is going to put a lot more demands on your time and attention.

Seeing how emotional you are now before the baby has even arrived, you might consider going to a doctor or therapist and discussing all the possible options with the pregnancy for your own mental health, preserving your relationship and for the situation with a baby that could be burdensome.