Not Ever Good Enough

I'm sorry I'm posting so much.

I keep going between being okay, and then just being down in the pit, you know? I don't think it is all completely on account of this stupid guy situation, I think that was just a trigger.

When I look at myself objectively, I know that I'm worth it to someone out there. Whom, I don't know, because there really hasn't been anyone to ever show me that I'm worth it...but in my rational mind, I know I am. The main positive feedback I get is about my work and academics. I guess if I've got that solidly going for me, I must have other good attributes, right? I don't know. Some people tell me I'm attractive...they're mostly female though. When I (stupidly, stupidly) compare myself to the girl that B started seeing instead of me, I see someone who is a yoga instructor and ballet dancer. She's thin and lithe (and flexible, which I guess men like). I am thick (read: fat), solid and muscular. When I work out, I do things geared toward power more than grace. I take yoga, but I'm not super graceful. She's more successful than I am, owns her own yoga business. I'm 37 and just now finishing my degree. I'm prettier, and probably smarter...and all of this doesn't matter because we're attracted to who we're attracted to; we aren't petty about it, we don't take a tally. I'm just tired of not feeling good enough, so I tally.

It's not just about this. I feel like I'm circling the edge of a major breakdown, been feeling that way for a few months. In a few weeks, I'm heading into what could be my most difficult semester of school, and I'm scared that it's going to break me. Despite what it may sound like, I'm pretty tough, mentally. I can endure a lot of pain and depression before my brain just throws in the towel and I can't function anymore. This isn't optimal, and I don't want to do this. But I don't want to fail at something yet again. I don't want this stupid BPD to rule my life any longer.

I'm just scared. Really, really scared. And I don't really know what to say to people offline or how to ask for help. Or how they'd even help me.

PS...the stupidest thing about all this with the guy is that I emailed him on Tuesday night telling him I wasn't coming back to the salon and why, that I'd crossed some boundaries, shared too much with him (it was a concise, honest email--had a friend proofread it)...and even though there is nothing productive he could say, I have this stupid thing in the back of my mind that wants him to respond even though there is absolutely nothing productive he could say to me and it would absolutely not be a good thing for me if he did. I know, I need to let go of this. You don't have to tell me. I'm trying.

Misskeena, you are only averaging one post a day! That is not much. I post 7 a day. No worry.

Are you on your last semester of school? What about calling a stoppage to worrying about men till you finish school. Have tunnel vision. Just focus on that.

In general, guys with some emotional substance don't get entrapped by physical beauty but are attracted to a person with integrity and sincerity. Getting your degree seems to be very important.

Make sure you eat a high protein diet (low carbs) to maintain proper brain function. Exercise is good but not to the point of exhaustion. Leave something in the work out room so you have energy to study.

Hang in there. There are over 3 billion guys in the world. You will find one when you land that degree.

I think I understand how you feel, MissKeena. I don't have much great advice, just an acknowledgment that I know how it feels and that it sucks. Have you tried online dating ?

I feel sort of the same way. I'm a guy in my early 30s, successful (career-wise), good looking, athletic, intelligent, bla bla blue. And, none of it matters coz no one notices.

I haven't been attracted to anyone since probably 2009. I am anything but boy crazy so...yeah. Worrying about men isn't really my thing.

PLEASE people stop telling me I will find someone when ____ . I haven't dated in 6 years. My last relationship was in 2009, and it lasted 2 months. He was a loser who hasn't paid taxes in 7 years and was arrested on suspicion of murder last year. Oh wait, I've dated since then but only because I thought I should, because I was paying for online dating. No one I was really interested in.

Honestly, men don't pay attention to me; I know you're trying to help but that advice just sounds hollow and trite, and it hurts. And this isn't about a guy anyway, it's about me and the fact that people don't give a crap about me beyond how I perform academically or at work. That's pretty much all I'm good for. They tell me how good a job I'm doing, how smart I am, but no one wants to have any kind of real relationship with me beyond that. Just once I want to hear that I'm kind, funny, attractive, that people want to spend time with me. I'd rather be a crap worker and an idiot and just have people want to be with me. I suppose maybe if I were nicer more of the time...but I've tried that. Nice, mean, angry, peaceful...it doesn't matter. It all has the same result. People freaking ignore me. Men reject me.

I'm worthless

I've done online dating on and off since 2004. If I get replies (and yes, I am active in contacting people) then it results in no more than one date. The last time I tried, last year, I put out several contacts and got one or two replies. No dates. So I gave up. It's a waste of time and money for me. It's not really conducive to how I would become attracted or connected to someone anyway. I know this about myself, but I've tried anyway because there is not really any other way for me to meet someone.

I personally don't think trying to meet someone is a good approach I think if you get involved with things then you will meet people with similar interests and then maybe that will lead someone where obviously that is a whole lot easier said than done and I am sorry you are feeling so bad I haven't had any relationships so I am not really good for advice in that area but I just wanted to say that you shouldn't let stupid people make you feel so bad. Again sorry I am not really that helpful.

Thanks. I've tried doing things. I don't connect with people, even when I try. I don't know. I do, literally, feel like I'm invisible in most scenarios, even to other women I want to be friends with. Maybe I am, haha.

Too bad I can't just disappear for real.

I know what you mean I always feel disconnected from everyone it is weird and kind of annoying but I guess you just have to learn to find a way past it.

I have. I wall myself off from feeling anything or needing a relationship. But I let my wall down this time. That is why I'm in the position I'm in right now. I need to get through this pain until I'm able to shut it off again.

Ah the age old wall strategy I do that a lot too and it is hard because the wall is there to protect you but at the same time it stops you from connecting with people which makes you sad anyway but if you let it down it seems like you always get hurt anyway.