[shakespeare47]

I own my own business and am the only employee.

There are 2 people who come into my shop from time to time, that just irritate me.

The first is just a loud-mouth jerk..I'll call him "x". and he likes to "yank my chain" so to speak. I am an expert in a field with very few practitioners... and yet, he likes to ask my advice about this field, then ignore my remarks. He also wastes my time by bragging about whatever he's been up to lately. Every once in a while, he will loudly criticize some action of mine. I know several other people that know him, and not one has anything good to say about the guy.

I want to be rid of him. I don't want to cause a scene... I just want him to stop coming into my shop.

The other person who irritates me is an older fellow who apparently has a lot of friends in this small town where I live and operate my shop. I'll call him "y". Every once in a while someone will come and pronounce "y sent me.". Then proceed to criticize me and/or my shop. Y himself also comes in every once in a while. He doesn't talk loudly or say anything overtly rude... but, I'm left every time with the feeling that I've been insulted by his subtle, underhanded, insulting behavior.
I suspect he sees himself as a competitor, and is playing mind games with me. I almost feel like taking notes to see if I can make a harassment case out of it. I actually know the president of the local chamber of commerce, and mentioned what was going on. But, I'm not sure if she gets it, or even believes me.

Anyway, when they're here, I start to feel stress, and feel like getting away from them. Unfortunately, as I'm the only one in the shop, there is no place to go.

As luck would have it, they were both in my shop today, at the same time. Y said he saw X in my shop, and stopped in to say hello. Then they stood there and chatted for a while. At least they didn't stay for very long.

I may check in from time to time with updates.

[shakespeare47]

In some ways, these encounters remind me of my relationship with my brother. He would say and do all kinds of nasty things to me, but I didn't make a fuss of it. I just took it, and tried to be a good person, despite my mistreatment. After years of putting up with his crap, I basically exploded at him and disowned him in a very public way.

I really don't want the same thing to happen with these 2. I just want to be rid of them.

[Kimaya]

Yipes, that sounds like a difficult situation. You are basically at their mercy. Unfortunately I don't think there is a good way to get rid of him I think you are stuck with them both really unless you want to make a scene, which I believe will end badly due to the possible outcomes.

I have these rules I stick to - when it comes to confronting people about their behavior in a professional setting (same stuff happens with co-workers for example). No good comes of talking about it. Just don't. This is my main rule, which isn't always practical, obviously, and so there are some other rules after... er. I am not saying it should be your rule... but it is my recommendation for you. Once you confront them you let them know that they have a way to get at you, and really you can't expect they will leave. Further, because of BPD problems with how we view and relate to others they somehow may not be aware of their behavior and may even have a completely different feeling than you - anything you do will come out of left field for them, and if it doesn't they can pretend it does - either way it is win-win for them.

I would revert to trying my hardest to roleplay the naive and open communicator. Kill them with kindness - beyond that of customer service. Don't even try to 'play back' with either. You could try scaring them with brownies or something.... ok that might be a bit much (was really joking).

I wish I had some help for getting rid of them. Perhaps try talking of things other than your field. Doing a DBT worksheet with possible outcomes and possible alternate methods of coping might be helpful. Do you have a DBT self-help book or are you familiar with any of the DBT skills?

How do you eat your lunch, btw?!

[shakespeare47]

Thanks... I like your rule about not talking about it. I'm glad to hear that other people do "get it". I agree, when you show your cards, it's like you've given them even more power.

I haven't done any DBT training...but will start with a counselor soon.

I'd just like to try and talk as little as possible, and let them know that I won't ignore them, exactly, but I won't let them get a rise out of me, either. I'm trying to make our encounters as boring as possible, unmemorable, forgettable. I can act naive, but have had too many negative reactions (not so much from these 2, just in general), so gave it up... The hardest thing for me to deal with is comments or actions that just are just so rude, that they can't be ignored.
There have been a few times with "X" that I've been able to get rid of him by just sitting at my desk, and letting him know that I was too busy to talk at the moment.

I eat my lunch at my desk, and I can see and hear when customers come in, so it isn't an issue.

[Kimaya]

I'd be having as much trouble as anyone, its why I have my rules actually because of my past. I've lost jobs, alienated myself among coworkers, friends etc... BPDmuch, yes... it doesn't seem fair somehow even though their behavior is bad I end up getting the shaft. I mean... of course I am going ... is it them or is it me.

GL with this, I think you have a good plan. Hopefully they will get bored.

[shakespeare47]

Thanks... I plan on adding to this thread whenever I have an encounter with them. To be able to write about it is very therapeutic and cathartic.

[Kimaya]

Cool... and yea, it is good to write about it, especially for us BPDs as we tend to have problems deciding what to do/planning.

Hard thing about it all is the possible blow up that can come from bottling.

[shakespeare47]

Another minor irritating character in my drama of a life showed up yesterday. But, I was able to kill him with kindness.

And sometimes it helps me to look at troublesome people and think at them "you realize you really aren't that important to me, right?".

[Kimaya]

Woohoo! I bet you scared them!

And actually, that is so close to the mark with how I motivated myself to remain non-confrontational even though I love to smash, its very cathartic too... but oh so short term.

Basically, just deciding, hey my value: to be right/to show someone a lesson/to prove I am tough enough is not as important as other values. They aren't worth it. They are not even looking for enlightenment. If they were worth helping/instructing then, yea... spend the energy and deal with the outcome as it goes.

As that ole Marcus Aurelius would say: 'The best revenge is to be unlike he who performed the injury'. Or something. Pity their small ways

[shakespeare47]

As luck would have it.. I'm currently taking a Philosophy of Ethics class. It covers modern applied ethics. I enjoy it, but it's mind-boggling in many ways.
I have to think about things like.. what is ethical behavior? and What version of ethics makes most sense to me? I'd love to live in a world where everyone is thinking about the kind of world they would like to live in. Where everyone is concerned about doing no harm.... Where everyone is thinking about maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain, for themselves, as well as everyone else.

But, then I realize my own failings. There seems to be a pattern in my life. I say and do things and have certain attitudes... arrogance, pride, bragging, competitiveness, and then when people put me in my place, I feel hurt, and wish things were different.
I know I fail a lot, but I keep striving. Maybe the healthy periods of time when I am striving to be ethical will get longer and longer, and the unhealthy times, when I'm acting like an ***, will get shorter and shorter.

And then of course, one has to consider that some people care nothing about ethics. They will try to hurt you because they feel it is their right... And we need to find ways to protect ourselves from such people.

Our culture does appear to be one in which we are encouraged to think about how we are wronged, and to get even in whatever way we can....

[shakespeare47]

In regards to person "y". The last couple of encounters I had with him, he actually bragged about some things. His mother died and he is quite happy with the fact that she left him 9 houses. And he has sold them.
It sounds like he feels he needs to make a positive impression on me. All his actions so far suggests he has a need to intimidate me.

[Kimaya]

Values can be tough for BPD. As for ethics, well thats a whole other ballgame. Not any easier. I am not looking forward to taking ethics because I believe it will piss me off. Heh. I don't uphold ethics that have a flawed system: the social contract, but I can uphold the meaning behind the contract... I can't really say more without going crazy deep tmi, but it ends up amounting to the fact that my ethics are considered 'poor' but I consider 'good' ethics as ignorant. Well maybe I do need that class.... XD

[shakespeare47]

Ethics is different than I thought it would be. Maybe I have a good instructor, but he makes it easy for me to look at them unemotionally. Ethics is definitely not about knee-jerk reactions, but rather getting to the heart of the matter. Namely, what makes certain actions good, and others bad?

Now that I brought up emotions, I'm reminded that some think that emotions are necessary for ethical thinking, while others believe that unemotional rational thought is the best way to arrive at the best ethical solutions.

I do feel some guilt, though. I can think of many times when I've gone against my own morals and been unethical. But, I still want to maximize my own pleasure and minimize my own pain in regard to those failures.

[shakespeare47]

Person X came into my store today, and it was much easier to deal with him. We actually had a decent conversation. He didn't do or say anything that triggered me. Whew...

[Kimaya]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Person X came into my store today, and it was much easier to deal with him. We actually had a decent conversation. He didn't do or say anything that triggered me. Whew...

Right on! Maybe your affableness helped him let his guard/preemptive attack down and more open to a common ground chat. Some people when they meet are like strange cats, they circle each other trying to get into an advantageous position just in case the other cat attacks. That can go on for quite a while until they are able to form a judgment on the other person to work with.

Anyway, glad to hear, and gl on further encounters of the kind!

[shakespeare47]

Thanks! I've know him for several years, but maybe we're both at a point where we can be a little more civil to each other. I can be and have been rather competitive with him in the past.

[Kimaya]

Ahh! Well thats the other side of that coin too... although it fills me with chagrin to admit it to myself, I notice when I go out of my way to be welcoming I find myself warming to the person more. Its good work to realize those things in yourself, although it can be a bit humbling. XD

[shakespeare47]

But, something in our relationship changed.. I think I know what it was... basically, I had a disagreement with someone, and he took the other person's side, and has been punishing me.
At least that is my perception. I obviously don't know for sure... but, that is certainly one explanation of why his attitude towards me changed. Anyway, maybe things are starting to change for the better.

[jean17]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

I own my own business and am the only employee.

There are 2 people who come into my shop from time to time, that just irritate me.

The first is just a loud-mouth jerk..I'll call him "x". and he likes to "yank my chain" so to speak. I am an expert in a field with very few practitioners... and yet, he likes to ask my advice about this field, then ignore my remarks. He also wastes my time by bragging about whatever he's been up to lately. Every once in a while, he will loudly criticize some action of mine. I know several other people that know him, and not one has anything good to say about the guy.

I want to be rid of him. I don't want to cause a scene... I just want him to stop coming into my shop.

The other person who irritates me is an older fellow who apparently has a lot of friends in this small town where I live and operate my shop. I'll call him "y". Every once in a while someone will come and pronounce "y sent me.". Then proceed to criticize me and/or my shop. Y himself also comes in every once in a while. He doesn't talk loudly or say anything overtly rude... but, I'm left every time with the feeling that I've been insulted by his subtle, underhanded, insulting behavior.
I suspect he sees himself as a competitor, and is playing mind games with me. I almost feel like taking notes to see if I can make a harassment case out of it. I actually know the president of the local chamber of commerce, and mentioned what was going on. But, I'm not sure if she gets it, or even believes me.

Anyway, when they're here, I start to feel stress, and feel like getting away from them. Unfortunately, as I'm the only one in the shop, there is no place to go.

As luck would have it, they were both in my shop today, at the same time. Y said he saw X in my shop, and stopped in to say hello. Then they stood there and chatted for a while. At least they didn't stay for very long.

I may check in from time to time with updates.

Wow, that's hard. I think it's wonderful that you can cope with them so well. There are always some folks who just rub us the wrong way. Having your own business and interacting with folks all the time sounds hard. Do check in with updates. Lots of times just telling us can help a lot.

[Nxi2]

I usually try to sort this out with I statements - so I say (very politely and apologetically, because I'm British, and I would generally rather die than make a fuss) "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but are you aware that I am feeling quite a lot of stress because of what you just did?". Leave it at that, make it non-acusatory, but get your point over. Then it's his ball. Don't fight.

It's hard, and it makes you feel vulnerable and horrid, but it does work better than my usual overreaction, black and white thinking, catastrophic scenarios and screaming approach to people.

[shakespeare47]

Person X came into my shop again recently... and his attitude was totally different. He actually wanted me to do some work for him, but I was able to show him a solution that saved him quite a bit of money.... He appeared to be grateful.. perhaps his attitude will be a little different from now on.

and, I haven't seen person Y since I started this thread. and for that I am truly grateful.

[shakespeare47]

FYI, I don't identify as being a pwBPD anymore, but I do like my threads, so I will continue to post to them from time to time.

I still see X from time to time, but he treats me with a lot more respect. Person Y comes by very infrequently, but when he does, he makes obvious attempts to "yank my chain". Ah well, such is life.

There is a new person, KK, who has been a thorn in my side. He came in a few days ago and was just showed some very subtle disrespect. He asked me a question, then pretended he didn't hear the answer, and then asked me the same question again. He talked quietly at one point, forcing me to get closer to him in order to hear, then he pointedly looked away from me while talking, instead of looking at me.

Just before he left, he again got far way from me, and then said a few sentences just out of earshot, and then quickly left. I still have no idea what he said, or why he felt the need to be sure I couldn't hear him.

I think next time he comes in I'll have to be a little preoccupied, perhaps looking at my cellphone, and just stay where I am, instead of attempting to get closer to him in order to hear.

[shakespeare47]

A person I see from time to time has been bothering me lately. It's odd in that I thought she was pretty cool, and now she's starting to ask me personal questions that I don't appreciate. (questions about my background, wife, church attendance- all were inappropriate, IMHO). I think I made it worse by asking her some questions she didn't want to answer herself. Or at least I regret doing so (but I was polite).
Anyway, I've decided to keep my distance for now. I see her most Thursday nights as she works at the library my son and I go to for the storytime and craft.