[smartiesparty]

I've taken the decision to never tell my boyfriend about my borderline personality or as my physician said "borderline traits" as she didn't want to put labels yet.
I'm scared that if I tell my boyfriend and we have a fight, he will blame everything on my borderline.
But I also suffer a lot when we fight, even about very stupid things. In my head, I think he will leave me and then I need to do things that are bad for myself to relieve the pain and the fear. I have immense fear of being abandoned (again) and I think that him knowing that I have borderline will only make him want to leave me. I depend on him, not financially but emotionally.
But I don't know if I should just hide it from him or not..

[ScarletPimpernel]

The biggest problem I see is your relationship. The fighting and the dependency... Also seems like there's a lack of trust and respect. Is this a long-term committed relationship? If so, I think you should tell him about the BPD. If it's not, then don't tell him. But from what you wrote, your relationship sounds unhealthy. I know you're dependent on him, but maybe you should make sure whether or not this relationship is what you need.

[smartiesparty]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

The biggest problem I see is your relationship. The fighting and the dependency... Also seems like there's a lack of trust and respect. Is this a long-term committed relationship? If so, I think you should tell him about the BPD. If it's not, then don't tell him. But from what you wrote, your relationship sounds unhealthy. I know you're dependent on him, but maybe you should make sure whether or not this relationship is what you need.

My relationship is not the problem but my 'borderline' mentality is. It is a committed relationship ; we want a future together. We fight over little things sometimes but it's not really screaming or violent but we mope around. But even knowing that the fight isn't serious, I get scared and very anxious and often become ill at the thought he may leave me.
He is the man I have always needed in my life. He's loving and respectful. But I became too dependent on his love, he's the first one to make me feel like this.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Just because you have BPD, doesn't mean that's the reason for the problems in your relationship. Since it is a long-term committed relationship, you should tell him. If he really loves you and is committed to you then he will accept you no matter what. Why hide secrets from him? That is one of the things that easily kill a relationship. How do you think he will feel finding out sooner than later. He might leave you for keeping the secret.

My fiance knows I have BPD. It didn't change our relationship. He just now has a label for my symptoms.

And it's not healthy to blame a diagnosis for your behavior. You can get better, but it takes work. Are you in therapy or on meds? That will show him that your invested in making the relationship healthier.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm with Scarlett...

Since this monster of a dx primarily affects relationships, and us within those relationships... Its kind of only fair that you're honest about it.


My bf is the only one I have told, simply because at my worst it was primarily affecting him / us, which caused alot of hurt and turmoil for us both. Now that he has a name and description for the beast, he's no longer fumbling in the dark trying to appease a boogeyman. We can and do deal with it as a team.


Your bf can't help you if he doesn't know what he's supposed to be helping with.

He can be as dependable as is humanly possible, but all that leads to is him being emotionally depleted.


I bled my bf dry at one stage, and it largely played a role in us breaking up. So I know what I'm talking about.


The emotional dependency, I agree is not good. Its never a good idea to put that kind of responsibility on someone else, sure they don't mind being the rock, the anchor, the life buoy, but when you only have one source....


God forbid he does leave, or worse, keels over tomorrow...

What then?


You'll learn how to deal.

That's what.


Well first you'll freak out, lose your shyt, and eventually realize you're still breathing, and THEN you'll deal.

But deal you will.


So best option, is that you learn how to deal now, because it will create more balance in your relationship, which obviously leads to a healthier more harmonious relationship...


A big challenge for us is finding balance, here you've found the perfect starting point. Don't overlook it...


If you're planning on spending your life with him, you should tell him.


If he freaks out and runs, well then he obviously wasn't the right man for you and good riddance.


If he uses this info against you, again, he wasn't the right man for you.

[ThunderGoddess]

smartiesparty I totally understand where you are coming from I am also in a long term relationship and a lot of our problems stem from my BPD actions we go to couples therapy I go to individual therapy but my bpd is unhealthy for any relationship so I can feel you on that. I honestly think you should let him know and if you are scared then go to a therapist together and tell him there. BPD takes a serious toll on relationships and the best way to keep it healthy is you must seek therapy together.

[WibblyWobbly]

I wouldn't hide it. I wish my last boyfriend and I had both known that I was BPD so I could have gotten some help when I started to get irrational. It got to a point where he couldn't handle the meltdowns anymore. He would have stayed if he had known that my behaviors were part of this thing called BPD and that it was something I could get help for. The label wouldn't have scared him as much as these unexplainable negative behaviors.

The horrible thing about BPD is how we internalize everything until the suffering becomes unbearable. You're making the choice to continue down that same path and it's not a pretty one.

[smartiesparty]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Just because you have BPD, doesn't mean that's the reason for the problems in your relationship. Since it is a long-term committed relationship, you should tell him. If he really loves you and is committed to you then he will accept you no matter what. Why hide secrets from him? That is one of the things that easily kill a relationship. How do you think he will feel finding out sooner than later. He might leave you for keeping the secret.

My fiance knows I have BPD. It didn't change our relationship. He just now has a label for my symptoms.

And it's not healthy to blame a diagnosis for your behavior. You can get better, but it takes work. Are you in therapy or on meds? That will show him that your invested in making the relationship healthier.

I know that I shouldn't hide it, but I feel such a great shame associated to it. I'm scared he will think badly of me, hence I keep all my suffering to myself. I often have outbursts of rage with other people but I always suppress the strong urge when I'm with my boyfriend because I don't want to 'scare' him away.
I'm not in therapy anymore, my old therapist didn't take me seriously. I stopped taking antidepressants (for depression, though) that totally ruined my life. (memory loss, crippling GI tract problems,...)
I will try to seek therapy again with another therapist, I hope I won't be too ashamed to talk freely about my BPD

Originally Posted by ThunderGoddess

smartiesparty I totally understand where you are coming from I am also in a long term relationship and a lot of our problems stem from my BPD actions we go to couples therapy I go to individual therapy but my bpd is unhealthy for any relationship so I can feel you on that. I honestly think you should let him know and if you are scared then go to a therapist together and tell him there. BPD takes a serious toll on relationships and the best way to keep it healthy is you must seek therapy together.

ThunderGoddess, I hope you're doing well with the couples therapy. I don't feel ready yet to incorporate my boyfriend in the therapy I'll hopefully start soon, but maybe I can just have a long talk with him about this problem.

Originally Posted by WibblyWobbly

I wouldn't hide it. I wish my last boyfriend and I had both known that I was BPD so I could have gotten some help when I started to get irrational. It got to a point where he couldn't handle the meltdowns anymore. He would have stayed if he had known that my behaviors were part of this thing called BPD and that it was something I could get help for. The label wouldn't have scared him as much as these unexplainable negative behaviors.

The horrible thing about BPD is how we internalize everything until the suffering becomes unbearable. You're making the choice to continue down that same path and it's not a pretty one.

I am sorry and I totally agree with you saying 'we internalize' everything until it becomes unbearable. That's exactly how I feel. I suppress my feelings when I am with my boyfriend and this causes my mind to suffer very very very much inside, because I feel such shame!

[dancinglady]

I think if you want my experience is to go into DBT. Yes my experience is that the borderline is always blamed for relationship problems. If we have a fight with another person it is us that caused it. DBT will give you tools to act normally and then the label won't matter anymore. You are young and have your entire life ahead of you so hurry and start now before these traits cause you irreversible pain and suffering.