[Pastel Kitten]

There is one dream, or a set of dreams even, that I have contemplated the meaning(s) of for years. They were from when I was 16, and I'm 20 now. In the dreams, I felt intense paranoia of everyone around me. I felt everyone was against me or dangerous in some way, and that they had to be stopped at all costs. In one dream, my dad approached me asking me a question. I felt he was against me and before he got another word out I killed him with a knife, brutally. After the act, I felt very disturbed and tried to get rid of his body before anyone saw what I had done. In another dream, I ended up beating one of my best friends to death with a club, because I thought she was plotting something against me. In another, there were two people that definitely seemed to be threats - one with a gun, and his partner (?) with no weapon. I took the gun out of the man's hand but instead of shooting him with it, I stabbed him to death with a knife. I then chased after the other man and stabbed him to death too, even after he was dead, to make sure he was unable to be a threat to anyone ever again. And finally, in another dream, three men broke into my house but without actually doing anything wrong. They didn't even have weapons. My immediate action was to stab all three of them to death and then hide the bodies. I was not diagnosed with BPD back then, nor did I know what it was. Does this point towards my subconscious fear of people turning against me and me frantically trying to gain some control over the situation as a result, or am I nuts??

[cryingontheinside]

Im not sure what your dreams mean but your mind must of been very active at the time . I've had many dreams where I woke up and thought thank god that was just a dream. I'm not a professional so I can only guess your dreams were linked to anxiety and I'd try not to worry about it too much.

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[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Im not sure what your dreams mean but your mind must of been very active at the time . I've had many dreams where I woke up and thought thank god that was just a dream. I'm not a professional so I can only guess your dreams were linked to anxiety and I'd try not to worry about it too much.

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Yeah, that could very well be true. I'm not so much worried as I am curious about it. After my recent BPD diagnosis I've been thinking back to many times in my life where I clearly exhibited the behaviors my pdoc described to me, and randomly remembered these dreams. Dreams are so odd aren't they

[kamikazebaby]

I used to have nightmares like that constantly, especially back in high school. I was being physically attacked and picked on back then, so that stress probably contributed to the nightmares. In the nightmares, people were always trying to kill me. My weapons often failed and I'd have to run until I could find another, or use my bare hands to kill people. My knives were dull and it took a lot to kill my enemies. Definitely disturbing, especially when they were family or friends.

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Does this point towards my subconscious fear of people turning against me and me frantically trying to gain some control over the situation as a result, or am I nuts??

I think this is very perceptive and I think that it's a good assessment. Hmm, yes, the paranoia and fear of everything and everyone being dangerous, being a threat. There is no doubt that we see the world very differently from those who don't have BPD. Our minds are definitely hyperactive in that regard.

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

I used to have nightmares like that constantly, especially back in high school. I was being physically attacked and picked on back then, so that stress probably contributed to the nightmares. In the nightmares, people were always trying to kill me. My weapons often failed and I'd have to run until I could find another, or use my bare hands to kill people. My knives were dull and it took a lot to kill my enemies. Definitely disturbing, especially when they were family or friends.


I think this is very perceptive and I think that it's a good assessment. Hmm, yes, the paranoia and fear of everything and everyone being dangerous, being a threat. There is no doubt that we see the world very differently from those who don't have BPD. Our minds are definitely hyperactive in that regard.

Wow, your dreams are definitely very similar to the ones I had indeed. I left out a few gory details because I honestly thought they were far too disturbing to post about, so I can relate to what you mean about the killing methods being highly disturbing. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this regard because I was afraid these dreams had some other bizarre meaning to them, back then. It all makes a lot more sense now. We are not psycho, we are just very, very perceptive and hyper aware of peoples' intentions - whether imagined or not.

On a side note: I've already begun doubting a good friend of mine because he hasn't been online for 5 days, which is not like him at all. My first thought was that he may have switched to a different skype account because he didn't want to talk to me anymore, but didn't have the guts to actually remove me. I can't shake the feeling even now.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Wow, your dreams are definitely very similar to the ones I had indeed. I left out a few gory details because I honestly thought they were far too disturbing to post about, so I can relate to what you mean about the killing methods being highly disturbing. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this regard because I was afraid these dreams had some other bizarre meaning to them, back then. It all makes a lot more sense now. We are not psycho, we are just very, very perceptive and hyper aware of peoples' intentions - whether imagined or not.

You are definitely not alone. I'd be interested in knowing what percentage of people with BPD have these kinds of nightmares. I also often dreamt of people being monsters or aliens inside the familiar skin of those I cared about or thought I knew. It was only when my guard was down that they revealed what they really were and tried to kill me. I think much that way in real life as well. Sometimes people just seem like shape-shifting monsters to me and I'm just playing along to avoid notice and try to stay as safe as possible.

I think out expectations and fears were (very reasonably) shaped by our early experiences. It makes perfect sense. We're very watchful and tuned in because of that, but since our backgrounds and experiences seem to differ so greatly from those of "normal" people, they just think we're crazy, etc.

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

On a side note: I've already begun doubting a good friend of mine because he hasn't been online for 5 days, which is not like him at all. My first thought was that he may have switched to a different skype account because he didn't want to talk to me anymore, but didn't have the guts to actually remove me. I can't shake the feeling even now.

Well I think if there's one thing we've learned, it's that people can turn quickly and nothing is a guarantee against that. So it's very easy for us to believe that the moment has come when something unexpected and/or negative happens. We try to prep for it. I'm sorry about your friend - I really hope he has a good reason. It's terrible not knowing. In such situations, all we can do is try to practice distress tolerance while we try to figure out what has happened. Do you have any other way to contact him?

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

You are definitely not alone. I'd be interested in knowing what percentage of people with BPD have these kinds of nightmares. I also often dreamt of people being monsters or aliens inside the familiar skin of those I cared about or thought I knew. It was only when my guard was down that they revealed what they really were and tried to kill me. I think much that way in real life as well. Sometimes people just seem like shape-shifting monsters to me and I'm just playing along to avoid notice and try to stay as safe as possible.

I think out expectations and fears were (very reasonably) shaped by our early experiences. It makes perfect sense. We're very watchful and tuned in because of that, but since our backgrounds and experiences seem to differ so greatly from those of "normal" people, they just think we're crazy, etc.


Well I think if there's one thing we've learned, it's that people can turn quickly and nothing is a guarantee against that. So it's very easy for us to believe that the moment has come when something unexpected and/or negative happens. We try to prep for it. I'm sorry about your friend - I really hope he has a good reason. It's terrible not knowing. In such situations, all we can do is try to practice distress tolerance while we try to figure out what has happened. Do you have any other way to contact him?

I was able to very briefly get in contact with him. I decided to message his girlfriend on skype and asked if he was ok. She said "give me on second" and suddenly he came online and told me he had been busy working, then said bye and logged off. I don't buy it one bit. His job has always been very undemanding and yes things can change but I highly doubt they changed so quickly. And even so, he could have at least told me. He's not even online at all anymore and has ignored my last 3 messages for the last few days. Some close friend he was..

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

I was able to very briefly get in contact with him. I decided to message his girlfriend on skype and asked if he was ok. She said "give me on second" and suddenly he came online and told me he had been busy working, then said bye and logged off. I don't buy it one bit. His job has always been very undemanding and yes things can change but I highly doubt they changed so quickly. And even so, he could have at least told me. He's not even online at all anymore and has ignored my last 3 messages for the last few days. Some close friend he was..

I'm sorry. People can sometimes be so crappy and inconsistent. I've been trying to figure out how to deal with that myself, but I only seem to have more trouble with it the more I experience of it. So much disappointment and hurt, I know.