No self security

I have never felt secure with myself or with most people at any point in my life.

I have felt this way since I was 4 years old.

I have always feared others were mad at me and/or would leave me. I have never not felt that way.

I wonder how to feel otherwise.

Sorry that you've felt this way
I think I have felt somewhat secure with some people, but then the price was to become who they expected me to be. I've become very good at that, doing unconsiously....
So I cannot connect the idea of being myself and feeling secure. I've had some glipses into it though when alone, but never lasted much.
I feel the most insecure in groups.

Hello Pastel
Me too. When my birth mom passed away, I was a little girl and grew up with so many distorted ideas. Now I'm 53 and not much has changed. Except I have brought my children up with my broken mind and heart. Passing all I know to those I love.
What I can tell you is forgive if you can. Forgive your parents. They can only teach what they know. Forgive yourself. You cannot be perfect. You are perfectly imperfect. Be kind to yourself and visibly see yourself being kind to you. That where it can start to change. Find balance. We all have good and bad. Accept yourself and you will begin to accept others.
I'm here for you. Be in touch if you need
Xo

I think this has something to do with abuse… Those who abuse us tend to make us feel this way. That we feel like we are the ones doing something wrong and hurting others. Those who truely love you don't get mad and would never leave you.

I think I'm really scared right now because I'm falling deeper in love with my (new-ish) boyfriend (we've been together for almost a year) and that sets me up to be very vulnerable and emotionally dependent, like I was with my ex.

I had so much anxiety over my ex dying (or something happening to him that would result in me never seeing him again) because I was SO INSANELY attached to him.

I'm terrified of this happening with my current boyfriend when he starts working and we are apart for longer periods of time. I've already had a few panic attacks over him, here and there.

When I feel so strongly for someone...they end up becoming my lifeline, and I wish so much that I could feel security within myself so that this person does not literally mean life or death to me.

Sadly I did actually have to stop talking to a person I love because I was/am too unstable to be there for them.

I've always been overly selfless and done things for others that I really had no emotional energy to do, and in this situation, I got way in over my head, got attached pretty quickly (we knew each other for about half a year) and promised things I could not keep because I cared so much and really gave it my all.

As a result I ended up hurting that person a lot, which was never my intention. I think of the person all the time, but unlike here at PC (where I can support others when I feel mentally capable and not log on for even months at a time if I feel too unstable to) I just can't consistently emotionally support a close friend who is in as much need of it as I am right now, and that makes me feel pretty crappy.

I'm trying to take care of myself and focus on myself for once but without that self security, I feel so lost.

As for the way I am, I often wonder whether it's the abuse or whether I am fundamentally flawed as a person.

This happened to me too.

((((hugs))))

((((((( hugs ))))))))


(The "root cause" may be different for everyone but I don't think using ugly words about self will help .. much easier said than done. )

You're not flawed. Or more likely, everyone is flawed,so you're not the only one.