[Moth-fly]

Long-story short, at this point I'm 90% sure I fit a lot of the criteria for BPD, so I've started seeing a new counselor who specializes in DBT, just yesterday actually. This thread'll serve as a journaling device of the sorts, thoughts I have about [my hypothetical] BPD, updates on how counseling's going, the works.

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So to start off, I've been seeing a, the term is psychotherapist I think(?), for a few months, but that whole time I didn't really feel like I was touching on the core of my uh, inner turmoil. Cheesy way to put it, I know. I'd read about other personality disorders in the past, borderline included, but it was more through the lens of... like,

you know when you have some kind of pain in your leg, then you go on WebMD and somehow it's probably cancer? But people usually do that in jest (I mean, right?), so I was darting through diagnoses in a sort of joking tone, "ohhhh yeah it's totally Asperger's, okay time to move on with my life," only to find that BPD fit, eerily well. Way too well and I didn't want it to. So I'd been dwelling on that for the past few months and sorta' just, burying it? Not addressing it? Honestly did the same thing for my gender issues, hahaha. So in the meantime while I was seeing my psychotherapist, I was looking at listings for counselors who actually specialized in DBT, and, here I am! I have addressed these concerns with my current psychotherapist, worry not, I'm just a little afraid to up-and-stop seeing her, I have a slight family history with this one.

But I really like the direction I [feel like I] am headed with this new counselor, no joke! Yesterday was mostly an introduction/planning thing, a week and a half from now is our actual first session. I just hope I don't get too intense before then.

[DelusionsDaily]

Good luck! I hope you find DBT helpful. I know I did when I finally opened my mind to it.

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey Moth-fly,

What I write below is not meant to hurt your feelings. I just want to plant seeds in your head now that you are on a new road to recovery.

I am glad you are self-aware enough to realize the tendency to self-diagnose. Just remember that we are not our illness. Borderline Personality Disorder is merely a description of symptomatology and therefore, only useful as an effective blueprint for prognosis and or choosing effective treatment options / modalities. Unfortunately a lot of ignorant types like to think of mental illness as a branding that never goes away - which unfortunately leads to stigma and terrible atrocities of injustice. For the sake of sparing yourself potential harm from professionals, family, friends and love ones: come to understand that you are simply an individual who experiences a set of criteria listed in Borderline Personality Disorder. You are not intrinsically Borderline Personality Disorder... Remember that.

Try not to attach yourself to the illness. We humans like to attach to whatever is comfortable and make sense... Although the diagnosis fits and we can make sense of our past and current behavior - we must not befuddle our ability to remain a human being outside the confines of the illness at hand.

A lot of people with Borderline Personality Disorder struggle with issues of identity. Sometimes our need for an identity is so strong that it can manifest itself as an unhealthy admiration and attachment to the Borderline diagnosis because it matches so closely to what we believe is our identity. We can honestly tell ourselves that we are, "undeniably Borderline," and we often spend years searching and getting misdiagnosed before finally ending up with a diagnosis that we feel fits. While it is okay to rest in this diagnosis for the sake of self-awareness, gaining insight into our afflictions and learning about it, meeting fellow sufferers and creating a sense of community, we must remember that it is only a list of criteria that bends, shifts and changes over time. We WANT it to change. We don't WANT to be Borderline. Remember that.

Hope this helps.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Moth-fly]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Hey Moth-fly,

What I write below is not meant to hurt your feelings. I just want to plant seeds in your head now that you are on a new road to recovery.

Appropriate little preface there, I genuinely wish I heard that more often, ahaha!

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

I am glad you are self-aware enough to realize the tendency to self-diagnose.

On the topic of self-awareness specifically, I feel like my self-awareness went way too far a long time ago. Like I'm so self-aware that it's not even self-awareness anymore, questioning [what feels like] every thought, every impulse, "is this thought actually true?" but I figure, a thought is a thought and it doesn't really have any grounds in reality until I act on it, so, but I end up labeling most of my thoughts as "bad" by this point. Trying not to hurt anyone actually, kind of really f@cking hurts. Haha.

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

come to understand that you are simply an individual who experiences a set of criteria listed in Borderline Personality Disorder. You are not intrinsically Borderline Personality Disorder... Remember that.

I mean I understand this in principle, yes, but I admittedly still catch myself trying to form-fit the diagnosis, whoops. On one hand, I'm glad I reached a hypothetical epiphany now instead of later down the road (when my stability probably would've been a lot worse had I no guesses to go on), but actually reading more about Borderline has rubbed off on me weird; somehow I've developed this bad habit of describing my emotions using buzz-words commonly associated with Borderline, and I have to remind myself "no, that's not how any mental illness works, not every negative thought has to fit the diagnosis to a T".

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Try not to attach yourself to the illness. We humans like to attach to whatever is comfortable and make sense... Although the diagnosis fits and we can make sense of our past and current behavior - we must not befuddle our ability to remain a human being outside the confines of the illness at hand.

You'll notice I keep describing "my BPD" as hypothetical; because honestly, a part of me still can't bring myself to believe it. There are times when I'm only 20% sure about having BPD (why do we call it BPD anyway, in what context am I supposed to read "Borderline"?), then I'll amp up to 92% only to drop to 47% later. Point being... well I don't actually know if this is the point I'm making, but I feel like I have to say, everything feels true when I first think it, and there are times when I've told a friend something emotionally-charged only to realize "Wait, how much of that do I actually believe?" I might not constantly think "I'm Borderline," but I do seem to be getting to the point where I think "I am my emotions," which... definitely isn't good, and also wrong.

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

While it is okay to rest in this diagnosis for the sake of self-awareness, gaining insight into our afflictions and learning about it, meeting fellow sufferers and creating a sense of community, we must remember that it is only a list of criteria that bends, shifts and changes over time. We WANT it to change. We don't WANT to be Borderline. Remember that.

Mm-hmm, yes, I do want to change. Change is good. Little changes are inevitable, but this is something I have to make a conscious effort to change, so I feel.

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Hope this helps.

I mean I understand most of this in principle, but I also didn't know I was waiting to hear most of this. I guess I was expecting the wrong person to say it, ahaha. Thank you!

[Moth-fly]

Originally Posted by Moth-fly

I guess I was expecting the wrong person to say it, ahaha.

I mean I wasn't expecting him to have an answer for my every scuffle, God knows that's humanly impossible for one person, but if I could just get something that sounded more, sympathetic? Nowadays it's a feedback loop of "Seriously, I don't know how to help you, please talk to your therapist about this." as if I haven't heard that already. I'm not forgetting, I'm not a f@cking idiot; if anything, I already have... he already helped me find all the answers I need, the real trouble is just, figuring out how to apply those solutions to... whatever's plaguing me. I feel like he has a specific picture of what I'm going through, which is weird because I don't actually have a clue. I mean I told him what I thought I was going through, only to later realize "wait, it's not THAT simple, I can't humanly condense this into a bite-size... thing."

And he keeps assuming I want his help, I never even asked! Otherwise I would've phrased it like a question or, you know, said "help me" point-blank. Not everyone who's lost wants to be found, you know? I mean I want, SOME sort of help, and I know full well he can't give me that, just... He's totally fine giving pick-me-ups to anyone who openly expresses their low self-esteem, that's just a "friend" thing to do, right? If someone says "wait am I actually the worst," a response like "what no you're the best" is just common courtesy, right? Because friendship! It's just, to me, that behavioural pattern's always felt like a cheap ploy for attention, usually I don't complain about the same thing twice for I feel I run the risk of sounding like a f@cking child,

but I know my core's just begging for something as basic as that and it'd be so much easier to just, be like everyone else. Actually complain about what's plaguing me because it's okay to be weak. Actually figure out and articulate, with words, what's plaguing me. It's currently much more "me" to have a little meltdown and decline explaining myself, because even I don't have the aptitude to express even that. It's currently much more "me" to just, get in the way without planning ahead. It's currently much more "me" to...

Why is this thought-process so focused on me? He's a human being too, he has a life outside of me and, actual responsibilities and, honestly he's struggling with way more than I am right now. None of his other friends quite go through as much, but they've also figured out how to, actually be his friends. I'm sorry, I should be treating you better than this, I'm sorry. I know you believe in me, so, I'll make it out of this, sorry.

[Moth-fly]

A friend was texting me about their current self-destructive behaviours, so I did my best to be there for him and keep him company. Too much of his essence is based around making his girlfriend happy and simply being with her; that's no way to live, that much I know for a fact. So my resulting approach was more, trying to convince him that he's a legitimate human being w/ his own experiences outside of any of his interpersonal relationships. Got through to him in the moment (but his girlfriend finally got back to him so that helped too), but then he kind of slipped back into "as long as we have each other"; I know can't exactly do anything about that mindset, he needs to work w/ an actual mental health professional.

Asked him about his history w/ counsellors. I asked if money was tight and if he had bad luck w/ counsellors in the past, and he affirmed both statements. Suggested seeing if any of the school counsellors could help him out, so he's most likely going to go when he has the chance. I'll see if I can go later than him and ask if he actually visited, but I'm honestly not sure if that breaches some sort of client confidentiality thing or not, this is just a high school after all. I don't want to know what he talked about, if anything I already know some of that, I just wanna' confirm he actually took my advice. That shouldn't be too out of line, I mean, right?

I think, most important to me was the cliché realization that, I really wish someone told me everything I said to him. Wish I didn't have to figure that stuff out on my own. I mean technically someone already taught me all this back in December, but then, today was a time when I could actually apply what I've learned.

But I know for a fact that I'm gonna' lose this brief clarity again and again, that's even outside of [hypotheical] BPD, more to do with simply, being a flawed human being. Being a human being.

[Moth-fly]

Told my counsellor about wanting to push for a formal diagnosis, primarily b/c I want to explain my brain to my dad w/o feeling scared. It's not as if BPD is my entire essence, and in the first place I can't be a judge of character regarding whether or not I fit the diagnosis, but I think he'd be less inclined to say "it's all in your head," if I had, well, any sort of diagnosis backing me up. Maybe I could feel like we're on the same page again? In my book?

Still haven't formally started DBT, but I was sent off w/ a diary card; I can't fill in the boxes about "skills applied" b/c, well, I haven't learned them yet, so for now I'm just chronicling emotions I have in conjunction w/ rating my emotions/urges. Feels, structured, organized; also it gave me an excuse to pull out my diary again, my counsellor said it was okay so long as it followed the card format. So that's that.

[Moth-fly]

April's near its end, so soon it'll be a month since I've stopped talking to him, again. Familiar sensations. Sometimes it feels like this chemical reaction in my body is missing a key ingredient, but all of my attempts to seek this reagent are usually bad ideas so the best I can do is, wait it out. This do-or-die mentality of "give yourself up" kinda', paralyzes me, stunts my breath a tad, renders me all vulnerable and hyper-submissive and gross. But only in the comfort of my own company, no way in hell I can let people I don't trust see me, I call it "melting".

And in, more productive news, counseling's progressing alright! Two concerns my parents keep nagging me about are "You should find a closer counselor!" and "When are you going to start spacing out your sessions, every three weeks then every month and so on?" After discussing both with my current counselor, I managed to clear the first hurdle after talking to my parents (I made a point about doing it on my own), which honestly wasn't too stressful to bring up; so from our next session onward, my counselor's going to commute to her boss's office to save my family gas and time.

My counselor and I both agree that it's currently a bad idea to stretch my bi-weekly schedule any further; that bone of contention will be harder to discuss with my mom and dad, sad to say. Instinctively I'm a little worried they won't believe me unless I have an outside party backing me up, but if this is important to me (and of course it is) then it's worth fighting for so... this part'll take more courage, but I'll get there for sure! Granted that the stars line in my favour and I don't suddenly die or something, but if I do, at least I can say I was moving in a positive direction!