[sinking]

My mom is the person i most love and hate at the same time. She is the one who has hurt me but also helped me the most. Now its been a while since i restarted building up and emotional wall between us and i can see and feel that this is hurting both me and her a lot. But i cant and dont want to forgive her. And this makes me feel SO guilty. I really would like to at least tear the wall down though. But how can i do it? I cant control my feelings and thoughts. Can i?

[subtle lights]

Does it seem possible for you to talk with your mother about how you feel? And if yes, how do you think she would react?

[sinking]

Thank you Subtle_Lights, my T just said the same thing: talk with her. but i dont feel i can do it. i know how it would go. we would talk and talk hardly saying anything at all and then i would only feel worse. it happened many times in the past and i dont want to put her and me in that position again. i have given up talking with her about my feelings or thoughts. and i hate it when she does talk to me about hers. i guess im going to wait until these feelings will pass. cause they will pass, right?

[Fuzzybear]

((((( sinking )))))

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by sinking

Thank you Subtle_Lights, my T just said the same thing: talk with her. but i dont feel i can do it. i know how it would go. we would talk and talk hardly saying anything at all and then i would only feel worse. it happened many times in the past and i dont want to put her and me in that position again. i have given up talking with her about my feelings or thoughts. and i hate it when she does talk to me about hers. i guess im going to wait until these feelings will pass. cause they will pass, right?

Yeah, that's why I asked you if you think it'd be possible - bearable, managable...to talk to her.
I can't talk to her either in my case, I mean I can talk to her but it just feels empty, because we've never really connected.

I don't think forcing the talk that doesn't want to come would be a good idea. In the same time you seem to have a need to connect to her. Somehow these emotions will find expression at one point. Writing stuff down could help in the process..

Otherwise I can't really suggest anything else...I'm in a somewhat similar situation.

[sinking]

Yes, thats why i came here. To talk about it and hopefully understand what to do. Thank you SubtleLights. More than connecting to her, i need to know im not hurting her with my withdrawal. Things are slowly improving as i talk about my feelings with my T and here. I dont want to be bothered by her presence, but it still happens. I hope things will get better after the anniversary of our rupture will pass.

[sinking]

Actually SHE came to me the other day, crying and saying she is sorry and now understands, and blah blah blah, but i dont believe her. She doesnt understand and never will. I think she wanted to get rid of the guilty feelings, only that she made ME feel guilty for not forgiving her. I cant. Not until now, at least. And this is somethong that bothers me a lot.
Today instead, she asked me some personal questions to which i didnt want to answer so i lied to her. I dont like lying to her, but i felt forced to. I hated it and hated her for being so curious. She is so smothering. Thats what i hate about her. I know her motives are good and she doesnt want to bother me but she does. I guess thats why sons/daughters go living alone at my age. But i dont have a good enoough job to afford having a place on my own. Not yet... im sure things would go a lot better if i had my own place...

[subtle lights]

Yeah, my relationship with my mother has improved a lot since I moved away from home. Somehow I've started getting a different perspective, we were not so entangled aymore.

[Lonlin3zz]

Originally Posted by sinking

Actually SHE came to me the other day, crying and saying she is sorry and now understands, and blah blah blah, but i dont believe her. She doesnt understand and never will. I think she wanted to get rid of the guilty feelings, only that she made ME feel guilty for not forgiving her. I cant. Not until now, at least. And this is somethong that bothers me a lot.
Today instead, she asked me some personal questions to which i didnt want to answer so i lied to her. I dont like lying to her, but i felt forced to. I hated it and hated her for being so curious. She is so smothering. Thats what i hate about her. I know her motives are good and she doesnt want to bother me but she does. I guess thats why sons/daughters go living alone at my age. But i dont have a good enoough job to afford having a place on my own. Not yet... im sure things would go a lot better if i had my own place...

Hahaha, why are we so similar towards seeing our parents this way?

My parents both have a stubborn, asian approach to seeing their child. Both are kind and experienced, but one difficult ordeal to overcome, is hearing nasty-truths through his poisonous tongue.

I'm forced to lie to my dad because he does not offer me comfortable assurance even when he tries to assure us that he is open to communication. Maybe it's the past that I can't get over how he used to have toxic responses to argument, overreactions and wanting himself to win every argument.

I nearly had a meltdown last week over a family dinner, when on one hand he said he's open to communication and the other hand he said that those who disagreed with him, should pack up and leave the house. Just like the western culture. This utterly pissed me off and the family's weekly conversation just died like this.

Our parents and us....it's like we have genuine intent to communicate with each other.But in the process of building the bridge, one subconsciously rely on their own method and end up collapsing the bridge before it even reach 1/4 of the mark.

[sinking]

Subtle_Lights, im glad it got better for you. im sure it would get better for me too but i have to find a good job first, to afford my own place.

Lonlin3zz, im sorry you're going through the same with your dad, but glad to see im not alone in this. parents/daughters or sons is such a difficult relationship. i never imagined it could be so hard.

with my mom, even if we start talking about me and my feelings/thoughts we always end up talking about her. its always about her and i hate it. as i hate her smothering ways. even if i know she doesnt want to bother me...

[Lonlin3zz]

Originally Posted by sinking

Subtle_Lights, im glad it got better for you. im sure it would get better for me too but i have to find a good job first, to afford my own place.

Lonlin3zz, im sorry you're going through the same with your dad, but glad to see im not alone in this. parents/daughters or sons is such a difficult relationship. i never imagined it could be so hard.

with my mom, even if we start talking about me and my feelings/thoughts we always end up talking about her. its always about her and i hate it. as i hate her smothering ways. even if i know she doesnt want to bother me...

I just switched off and hear nothing, I'm not a good example.

But I feel sick when I don't want to be that someone that triggers a realization in them.