[battlesymphony]

Hi, I'm new here, sorry to post a serious post without getting to know everyone first and offering support. I do hope to support people on here in the future I'm just struggling right now.

On Tuesday I woke up and felt so, so intensely suicidal, more than I remember ever feeling before. I live with suicidal thoughts almost daily but since Tuesday I've been in a really bad crisis place. It's not that anything has really happened but I'm struggling to deal with my emotional pain and the fact that I achieve very little because I'm so anxious etc. My CPN was going to admit me to hospital but there are no beds in my local hospital and she thought that admitting me to an unfamiliar ward would make me feel worse so I've to get phone calls each day from the crisis team. I'm not finding talking about things to be very helpful any more except sometimes when I'm talking to my psychologist but I only have 3 psychology sessions left.

I don't want to keep getting to this point where I feel like things are too overwhelming to cope with. I'm not strong enough to keep going through life like this. I'm terrified of being on the phone so the calls from the crisis team aren't helping and when I need someone to talk to I'm usually afraid to call anyone so either end up self harming or trying to force myself to sit in one place or go to bed to stay safe. There is nothing I enjoy in life and I only stay alive because I don't want to hurt my brother as I am really the only close family member he has and we have been though so much death and trauma already. I just don't know how to feel better. I can't cope with this pain any more.

[Skeezyks]

Hello symphony: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. My thinking with regard to what you wrote is that perhaps, under the circumstances, being admitted to an unfamiliar psych facility may be the lesser of two evils.

I also struggle with suicidal thoughts every day. And I've acted on them in the past as well. So this is familiar territory to me. And one thing I know is that suicidal thinking is nothing to mess around with. So since the support you're receiving at the moment isn't helpful, or is possibly even making matters worse, perhaps going inpatient somewhere unfamiliar is at least something that should be considered.

California family therapist, Kati Morton, has uploaded quite a few videos on the subject of suicide prevention onto her YouTube channel. Here's a link to her playlist on the subject:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?lis...7E1ju2qPEFbv05

I wish you well...

[battlesymphony]

My CPN is now on holiday for 3 weeks so the only way I could be admitted is if I asked my psychiatrist next week or if I was assessed in A&E and they decided I should be admitted. The thing is I don't want to end up back in hospital because it will cause my brother so much stress. I know that my death may be more painful for him but selfishly I wouldn't be here to see him hurt. I'm trying hard to hold tight through the intense waves that are frequently happening.

[TishaBuv]

Hello and welcome to PC! It's so thoughtful of you to say you want to support others, while you are in so much pain yourself. Hang in there and keep posting.

[battlesymphony]

I'm really struggling right now. I didn't make it to my appointment with my support worker today and I haven't been able to answer the phone or make phone calls to get any support. Life just keeps getting harder and the pain goes on and on. I can't think of anything that is going to be helpful for me right now or even in the future. I just want out of life.

[Little Jay]

Is there anyone else that can fill in for your CPN for now? Or if you're feeling suicidal could you ask for a referral to the crisis team in your area? if you've been seen by them in the last 6 (?) months you can self refer, or if not ask your gp or CPN office. The crisis team would visit me at home when even getting dressed was too much effort.

[battlesymphony]

I'm supposed to phone the crisis team of a voluntary organisation every night but I haven't managed to. The extended hours team of the CMHT phoned me a couple of times but won't come and see me.

[jamesb]

Originally Posted by battlesymphony

I'm really struggling right now. I didn't make it to my appointment with my support worker today and I haven't been able to answer the phone or make phone calls to get any support. Life just keeps getting harder and the pain goes on and on. I can't think of anything that is going to be helpful for me right now or even in the future. I just want out of life.

sorry your in a down phase. you know it's temporary, and things will improve later. make the effort to set an appointment with your support - today would be good

[battlesymphony]

I never really feel anything that makes the struggles worth getting through. No good points. I only feel better towards the end of long hospital admissions and that better feeling doesn't last for very long. Nothing is helping me. I value my psychology sessions but I'm going to be discharged soon. There's not enough for me to hold on for me, I only try to keep living because I don't want to hurt my brother but I can't do this any more.

[battlesymphony]

I've spoken to multiple people today - extended hours team, Breathing Space, NHS 24 - but no one seems to be able to help me. All I'm told to do is distract myself but this emotional pain is too huge to get away from. I've to take responsibility for myself and stay safe and that makes me feel like people are telling me I'm not taking responsibility. I was taking responsibility by trying to get some kind of help but I'm constantly dismissed. It's so hard to keep fighting to stay alive through this pain.

[elevatedsoul]

i just wanted to say i feel you...

im not in a good place to give advice...

[East17]

Originally Posted by battlesymphony

I've spoken to multiple people today - extended hours team, Breathing Space, NHS 24 - but no one seems to be able to help me. All I'm told to do is distract myself but this emotional pain is too huge to get away from. I've to take responsibility for myself and stay safe and that makes me feel like people are telling me I'm not taking responsibility. I was taking responsibility by trying to get some kind of help but I'm constantly dismissed. It's so hard to keep fighting to stay alive through this pain.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. It's hard to reach out for help only to end up feeling worse afterwards, and especially difficult when you don't like talking on the phone. As you mentioned NHS24 and Breathing Space, I'm assuming you are in the UK.. Have you ever tried the text service offered by Samaritans? They aim to respond to your initial text within an hour and thereafter the conversation should be quicker. It's not like having a phone convo, but if you need a near immediate response, it's the next best thing. The number to text is : 07725 909090 Hope this is of some help to you.
Kind thoughts.
E.

[battlesymphony]

Originally Posted by East17

I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. It's hard to reach out for help only to end up feeling worse afterwards, and especially difficult when you don't like talking on the phone. As you mentioned NHS24 and Breathing Space, I'm assuming you are in the UK.. Have you ever tried the text service offered by Samaritans? They aim to respond to your initial text within an hour and thereafter the conversation should be quicker. It's not like having a phone convo, but if you need a near immediate response, it's the next best thing. The number to text is : 07725 909090 Hope this is of some help to you.
Kind thoughts.
E.

Thank you. I have text the Samaritans in the past but haven't found it helpful but I might try it again. Didn't think they still had a text number.