[sumowira]

My son's father has reappeared after years of absence. He's blaming BPD...

He's come on like a Mack truck, insisting he should be a full decision making coparent when he admits he has no idea what to do and he's little more than a stranger.

My son's therapist has told me I have to reign him in and slow him down for my son's sake. I don't think I'm doing a good job of that.

He's being very flip-floppy, first demanding that I change my son's medications and therapies when he knows nothing of his history, and then insisting he was just making conversation.

Now he's had a complete tantrum and has threatened to disappear again and simultaneously sic a lawyer on me. (I know a tantrum when I see one - I'm the mother of an autistic teenager.) He's being hugely disrespectful and snarky. He's hurt and angry and things haven't gone the way he hoped. I get that.

Here's the thing - how should I proceed? My gut says don't say a word until I've talked to my son's therapist since clearly I've screwed this up big time. But that wouldn't be until Monday. So another part of me thinks I should say something - anything - just to keep from making him feel even more dismissed. But maybe that will keep his hackles up and he just needs some time to cool off.

So what do you think? Is it better to wait a couple of days until I get professional advice or is this a situation where feeling abandoned is more damaging?

[DelusionsDaily]

I would tell him before further conversation you want to talk to your son's therapist and leave it at that until you do so. You haven't screwed anything up. You continue to follow your son's treatment team...they are the professionals and apoarently it's working or YOU would've asked to change it. It is totally unrealistic to walk back into a childs life after years of disappearance and expect change everything in treatment. There's ABSOLUTELY nothing logical about that...PERIOD. He needs to show a steady and consistent presence in his son's life again before getting a say in major decisions...at least I would think but I'm no lawyer.

[sumowira]

Good idea.
Thanks!

[DelusionsDaily]

Maybe get a free consultation with a lawyer in regards to all this in case he does. Explain what you've explained here, including the part about him threatening a lawyer, and see what they say. They would have a better idea in term of courts and stuff should he decide to get a lawyer. Maybe if finances are problem in the event you end up needing a lawyer, try finding a legal aid place and talk to someone there.

[sumowira]

He apologized and then went on a rant about how difficult a time he's having. Absolutely no concern about what my son is going through, it's all about him. I'm going to need stitches from biting my tongue... I'm going to try not to react to his threats or feed his need for attention. Hopefully eventually he'll learn that I'm going to ignore his tantrums, and won't respond to him unless he is being sensible and respectful. It's going to be super irritating. I will research the legal process just in case.

[DelusionsDaily]

I think that is the right approach. If you feed his "hysteria" he'll continue doing it. Prayers and peaceful vibes for you and your son as you endure this mans selfish behavior.

BPD has treatment that should enable your ex to gain better control of himself. So his behavior regardless of the diagnosis really is inexcusable.

Just keep doing what is best for your son. Let the rest of the chips fall where they may.

[sumowira]

Btw, I got some major props from my son's therapist about how I dealt with his father. She said I did a great job of being non-reactive, which was the best thing I could do in this situation, and she even wanted to use my emails as examples and templates for other families. She said my pared down explanations - which I'm not even sure if they're completely accurate or not, I was trying to give an impression that I had thought out my choices vs just giving straight facts - was exactly the response that was required. And no more tantrums, no more lawyer talk, as of now. I'm going to try not to be surprised by any future interactions, whether they are completely rational or off the rails or some combination of the two, and to not take what he says personally.

[sumowira]

Ok, this is probably the last place I should be posting about this.
My son had a visit with his father today. I chaperoned, because the person who was supposed to bailed at the last minute.
It actually went way better than I expected.
I'm still reeling. Basically, every time his father got anxious, he demanded I tell him he was doing the right thing. The pressure was crippling. Frankly I'm self medicating to try to cope with the pressure.
I keep trying to focus on how happy my son is.
It's going to be a long time for me to process this.
I'm cringing waiting for the email I'll get tomorrow - "It went so well, when can we do it again..." with no acknowledgment of how much work I had to do to set it up.
I feel like a selfish *****, and completely drained, and wanting to check out for maybe the next decade.
I can't imagine anything "self-care"ish I can do to make this better.
Time, a lot of time.
This is worth it, right?
To shield my son, make this seem normal, not let him know about the paranoid needy emails I had to wade through to make this happen.
This so dramatic, but I feel like a part of my soul has been killed.
So much I had to go through for 3 bloody hours.
They can learn from this, right?
Look at it like the blueprint on how visits can go for the future?
It won't always be this hard, right?