[Pastel Kitten]

I'm so overwhelmed with self-hatred. It comes and goes in severity but when it's severe it's VERY severe and leads me to do bad things.

The other day I had an argument with my boyfriend which I blamed entirely on me and I ended up smashing my arm against a desk with a beer bottle until I bruised and could not properly bend my wrist for a little while.

This ironically happened the very same night after my therapist told me to work on loving myself, to which I responded that hurting myself is how I love myself cause that's all I know.

Aside from hurting myself physically I chastise myself emotionally and can't receive compliments from people without feeling uncomfortable because I believe they are all untrue.

How do you overcome self-hatred? How do you love yourself? I feel that I'm constantly at war with myself.

[Shazerac]

Sorry you are hurting right now Has your therapist given you any actual steps on how to love yourself. Those are kind of empty words if you don't know how. Perhaps you could switch it around and try to get to the bottom of why you hate yourself?

[adashofhope]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Perhaps you could switch it around and try to get to the bottom of why you hate yourself?

I was actually going to suggest the same thing.

My therapists have always gone about this in the same way, and it hasn't helped me much. They always ask me to come up with at least a few things that I like about myself. That has always been very hard for me to do, because I don't feel like I deserve to give myself credit or I honestly just feel unsure about what my strengths are. So, that hasn't been helpful and it has always been frustrating. I would always try but I honestly just felt pressured to come up with something to say even though I didn't fully believe it, otherwise I felt like I would annoy or frustrate them, and cause them to not like working with me.

I recently listened to this self-acceptance online event that I wish was still available to listen to for free, but anyway I heard some good information during it. One of the speakers spoke on developing self-compassion vs. self esteem. She talked about how self-esteem is measured based on accomplishments or other traits about ourselves that are valued within society, so, it can fluctuate.

I think that's the problem. Most of us are raised to seek approval from others, whether it be parents, teachers, friends, the opposite sex, bosses, etc. And then we judge ourselves based on what we are programmed to believe we are supposed to be. Instead of seeing ourselves as having inherent worth, regardless of what we are able to do, what we look like, what society views as valuable, etc. So essentially what I am saying is that I think we all need to somehow learn to see that we are worthy of love just for simply existing. Even though there are things we don't like about ourselves and sometimes we do things that hurt other people (because none of us is perfect), that doesn't make us less worthy of love and acceptance.

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

I'm so overwhelmed with self-hatred. It comes and goes in severity but when it's severe it's VERY severe and leads me to do bad things.

The other day I had an argument with my boyfriend which I blamed entirely on me and I ended up smashing my arm against a desk with a beer bottle until I bruised and could not properly bend my wrist for a little while.

This ironically happened the very same night after my therapist told me to work on loving myself, to which I responded that hurting myself is how I love myself cause that's all I know.

Aside from hurting myself physically I chastise myself emotionally and can't receive compliments from people without feeling uncomfortable because I believe they are all untrue.

How do you overcome self-hatred? How do you love yourself? I feel that I'm constantly at war with myself.

I am sorry you are going through a hard time right now, I hope you start feeling better soon

[Lonlin3zz]

Have you made someone hated themselves?

Maybe the feeling will go away after that.

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Sorry you are hurting right now Has your therapist given you any actual steps on how to love yourself. Those are kind of empty words if you don't know how. Perhaps you could switch it around and try to get to the bottom of why you hate yourself?

Originally Posted by adashofhope

I was actually going to suggest the same thing.

My therapists have always gone about this in the same way, and it hasn't helped me much. They always ask me to come up with at least a few things that I like about myself. That has always been very hard for me to do, because I don't feel like I deserve to give myself credit or I honestly just feel unsure about what my strengths are. So, that hasn't been helpful and it has always been frustrating. I would always try but I honestly just felt pressured to come up with something to say even though I didn't fully believe it, otherwise I felt like I would annoy or frustrate them, and cause them to not like working with me.

I recently listened to this self-acceptance online event that I wish was still available to listen to for free, but anyway I heard some good information during it. One of the speakers spoke on developing self-compassion vs. self esteem. She talked about how self-esteem is measured based on accomplishments or other traits about ourselves that are valued within society, so, it can fluctuate.

I think that's the problem. Most of us are raised to seek approval from others, whether it be parents, teachers, friends, the opposite sex, bosses, etc. And then we judge ourselves based on what we are programmed to believe we are supposed to be. Instead of seeing ourselves as having inherent worth, regardless of what we are able to do, what we look like, what society views as valuable, etc. So essentially what I am saying is that I think we all need to somehow learn to see that we are worthy of love just for simply existing. Even though there are things we don't like about ourselves and sometimes we do things that hurt other people (because none of us is perfect), that doesn't make us less worthy of love and acceptance.

That makes a lot of sense. I agree that it's very difficult to come up with reasons for why you like yourself. If I do come up with something, I feel very egotistical for saying such a thing about myself. It feels wrong.

In fact somehow I think overtime I learned to see people who love themselves as egotistical because I feel so far out of touch with the concept.

A friend of mine who is also diagnosed with BPD showed me a bunch of notes she'd written about herself. They said things such as "I'm pretty" "I'm lovable" "I'm capable."

I told her I felt really uncomfortable with the idea of writing such things about myself and she told me she felt like she was writing lies everytime, with the hope that she'd one day believe it.

Has anyone tried something like this and found it to work? I'm actually starting to sicken myself with how much I hate myself because it greatly interferes with my life and I've been put in some very dangerous states of mind recently.

Just hoping this can somehow change. I don't make much money from my job because I work part-time and can't afford to see my therapist much anymore..

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by Lonlin3zz

Have you made someone hated themselves?

Maybe the feeling will go away after that.

Sorry I'm not exactly sure what you mean?

[adashofhope]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

That makes a lot of sense. I agree that it's very difficult to come up with reasons for why you like yourself. If I do come up with something, I feel very egotistical for saying such a thing about myself. It feels wrong.

In fact somehow I think overtime I learned to see people who love themselves as egotistical because I feel so far out of touch with the concept.

A friend of mine who is also diagnosed with BPD showed me a bunch of notes she'd written about herself. They said things such as "I'm pretty" "I'm lovable" "I'm capable."

I told her I felt really uncomfortable with the idea of writing such things about myself and she told me she felt like she was writing lies everytime, with the hope that she'd one day believe it.

Has anyone tried something like this and found it to work? I'm actually starting to sicken myself with how much I hate myself because it greatly interferes with my life and I've been put in some very dangerous states of mind recently.

Just hoping this can somehow change. I don't make much money from my job because I work part-time and can't afford to see my therapist much anymore..

I've struggled with this my entire life and from my experience, it seems that a lot of therapists aren't really skilled at helping this client in this area, at least not skills enough. So I've had to do my own searching in addition to go to therapy. Maybe we all have to somehow find our own path towards self-acceptance.

For me its not that I was afraid of being egotistical, but I was and still am afraid that I would be lying to myself and make a fool out of myself for believing something that is not true. I think we all have to get to the bottom of why we feel the way we do.

What your friend did sounds like affirmations. Some people really like affirmations, I've done them before, but I stopped for some reason I can't remember. I think sometimes they can be helpful. Some people say you need to keep repeating them over and over and eventually you will start to believe them. For me, that didn't happen. I think if the affirmation is not so extremely different than what we believe about ourselves (in other words it sounds more realistic to our minds), then it is more likely that it will be easier for you to adopt it. I'm not so sure about affirmations in general though. I personally feel like they don't go to the core of why you feel the way you do and it still is kind of like basing your own self-worth on certain standards or expectations (that either we or others put on ourselves).

I still think first examining why it is you hate or dislike yourself, may really be helpful. Like really be specific and honest, write everything out. But its probably better to do it with a therapist or some other trained professional because it will probably be too much to do on your own. But I don't know what kind of therapist you have and they may not agree with doing this. I think part of this is being able to honestly look at ourselves, the
"good" and the "bad" or "light" and "dark", and to show yourself acceptance. I think maybe it comes down to us doing it for ourselves. Making us ourselves the authority, not depending on someone else to do that for us. Realize that all of us have parts that are considered unsavory, and that we can show ourselves compassion. I think it helps to put things into context. Realize that those parts are also probably wounded parts from our childhood or through other things that have happened to us, and there are ways of healing those parts. Have you ever done any kind of inner child healing? Its kind of a spiritual concept, but I've done some with a schema therapist before. I think there are techniques in other psychotherapy modalities like IFS therapy. Also doing shadow work (Jungian therapy) may be helpful. And There is also this technique called Inner Bonding that might be helpful. This is a video about it:

But as I am thinking about this, maybe there needs be a balance where we work on healing the wounded parts and then also appreciate things about ourselves. I just think doing the typical things like listing out positive things or doing affirmations alone, isn't enough. Its not bad to appreciate things about ourselves, to like things about our appearance, intellect, physical capabilities, talents, etc. I just think maybe this needs to also be balanced with an unconditional self-love that is not dependent on these things, and while I'm still figuring out exactly how to do that, I think part of that process includes doing some of the things I mentioned like identifying the "unsavory" aspects and practicing compassion (And I don't think there is one exact way of doing this, there may be several that are useful such as the ones I listed above, and there are probably a lot more). Does that make sense?

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by adashofhope

I've struggled with this my entire life and from my experience, it seems that a lot of therapists aren't really skilled at helping this client in this area, at least not skills enough. So I've had to do my own searching in addition to go to therapy. Maybe we all have to somehow find our own path towards self-acceptance.

For me its not that I was afraid of being egotistical, but I was and still am afraid that I would be lying to myself and make a fool out of myself for believing something that is not true. I think we all have to get to the bottom of why we feel the way we do.

What your friend did sounds like affirmations. Some people really like affirmations, I've done them before, but I stopped for some reason I can't remember. I think sometimes they can be helpful. Some people say you need to keep repeating them over and over and eventually you will start to believe them. For me, that didn't happen. I think if the affirmation is not so extremely different than what we believe about ourselves (in other words it sounds more realistic to our minds), then it is more likely that it will be easier for you to adopt it. I'm not so sure about affirmations in general though. I personally feel like they don't go to the core of why you feel the way you do and it still is kind of like basing your own self-worth on certain standards or expectations (that either we or others put on ourselves).

I still think first examining why it is you hate or dislike yourself, may really be helpful. Like really be specific and honest, write everything out. But its probably better to do it with a therapist or some other trained professional because it will probably be too much to do on your own. But I don't know what kind of therapist you have and they may not agree with doing this. I think part of this is being able to honestly look at ourselves, the
"good" and the "bad" or "light" and "dark", and to show yourself acceptance. I think maybe it comes down to us doing it for ourselves. Making us ourselves the authority, not depending on someone else to do that for us. Realize that all of us have parts that are considered unsavory, and that we can show ourselves compassion. I think it helps to put things into context. Realize that those parts are also probably wounded parts from our childhood or through other things that have happened to us, and there are ways of healing those parts. Have you ever done any kind of inner child healing? Its kind of a spiritual concept, but I've done some with a schema therapist before. I think there are techniques in other psychotherapy modalities like IFS therapy. Also doing shadow work (Jungian therapy) may be helpful. And There is also this technique called Inner Bonding that might be helpful. This is a video about it:

But as I am thinking about this, maybe there needs be a balance where we work on healing the wounded parts and then also appreciate things about ourselves. I just think doing the typical things like listing out positive things or doing affirmations alone, isn't enough. Its not bad to appreciate things about ourselves, to like things about our appearance, intellect, physical capabilities, talents, etc. I just think maybe this needs to also be balanced with an unconditional self-love that is not dependent on these things, and while I'm still figuring out exactly how to do that, I think part of that process includes doing some of the things I mentioned like identifying the "unsavory" aspects and practicing compassion (And I don't think there is one exact way of doing this, there may be several that are useful such as the ones I listed above, and there are probably a lot more). Does that make sense?

Thank you so much for your response. What you said does make sense to me.

I definitely have a lot of emotional wounds from my childhood. What goes into inner child healing?

My therapist knows bits and pieces of my childhood but we've never delved too deeply into it because she preferred to focus on DBT skills and fixing the present.

I've never heard of inner bonding. I'll definitely check out that video you linked when I get a chance.

Have you noticed any difference in how you view yourself, even if it's a little?

I wanna know that there's hope..

[Lonlin3zz]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Sorry I'm not exactly sure what you mean?

I mean, making some feel the same way, but you don't have that intent to actually make someone feel this way

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Thank you so much for your response. What you said does make sense to me.

I definitely have a lot of emotional wounds from my childhood. What goes into inner child healing?

My therapist knows bits and pieces of my childhood but we've never delved too deeply into it because she preferred to focus on DBT skills and fixing the present.

I've never heard of inner bonding. I'll definitely check out that video you linked when I get a chance.

Have you noticed any difference in how you view yourself, even if it's a little?

I wanna know that there's hope..

There's a great book called "Healing the Child Within" I found it extremely helpful in dealing with the wounds that occurred in childhood.

[adashofhope]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

There's a great book called "Healing the Child Within" I found it extremely helpful in dealing with the wounds that occurred in childhood.

I have this book, but I still haven't read it. I've heard its a great book from others as well.

[adashofhope]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Thank you so much for your response. What you said does make sense to me.

I definitely have a lot of emotional wounds from my childhood. What goes into inner child healing?

My therapist knows bits and pieces of my childhood but we've never delved too deeply into it because she preferred to focus on DBT skills and fixing the present.

I've never heard of inner bonding. I'll definitely check out that video you linked when I get a chance.

Have you noticed any difference in how you view yourself, even if it's a little?

I wanna know that there's hope..

It depends on what approach you take to inner child healing. When I was with one of my therapists, one technique she used is visualization. She would guide me through these visualization of certain difficult childhood experiences, help me identify what I needed in those situations, and then instruct me to visualize me getting my needs met in those situations as a child. That's just one tool.

I think DBT is really valuable, and we all (BPD or not) pretty much need to learn or improve upon those skills, but I think what it is missing is healing the wounded parts of ourselves. There are tons of articles you can find on inner child healing, and you may need to try different things.

Yes, I think I have noticed some improvements is how I feel about myself. It does fluctuate though still and I still have a lot of healing to do. For me, I think I need to focus on letting go of needing other people's approval and feeling like I need to fit societal expectations and what is considered "normal" or "successful". I think these things probably play into all of our own self-worth issues, but you may need to focus more on your past and since you said you haven't done it that much in therapy. I think I am able to be somewhat detached at times and observe my negative thoughts and challenge them. I don't always feel strong enough to do it though and sometimes they overtake me. But I think just being aware and noticing them and also noticing how it makes it feel (emotionally and physically) is really important.

Also, something that helps me is listening to a lot of positive, uplifting talks. I don't know if you are into spirituality at all, so it may or may not be for you. I used to go on youtube and listen to people like Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Eben Alexander, and Anita Moorjani. I still do this, but I'm always looking for new inspiring people to listen to. Anita Moorjani had a powerful NDE (near death experienc)e and wrote a book about it where she reveals that her NDE taught her that she needs to love herself. Check her out, and maybe you'll also find some nuggets of wisdom and inspiration. I think you will