[sinking]

i feel empty, no, just some void....

and unreal.... or better, non-existent....

its as if... i need someone to make me real, existent. maybe a stranger? someone in person, real, someone interested in me....as if i was someone interesting. or with a real life. someone to make me feel alive.

i need to drink. its been a long time since the last time. now i've resisted the urge for about 10 days but i need to give in. its better than SHing.... i dont feel like SHing, not sure why.... i still get the visions of it though.

the only reason i've resisted drinking so far is calories. i dont want to get fat again. but i still use food as comfort. i even write lists of what i want to eat next.... contrasting feelings.... i want to disappear.

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by sinking

i feel empty, no, just some void....

and unreal.... or better, non-existent....

its as if... i need someone to make me real, existent. maybe a stranger? someone in person, real, someone interested in me....as if i was someone interesting. or with a real life. someone to make me feel alive.

i need to drink. its been a long time since the last time. now i've resisted the urge for about 10 days but i need to give in. its better than SHing.... i dont feel like SHing, not sure why.... i still get the visions of it though.

the only reason i've resisted drinking so far is calories. i dont want to get fat again. but i still use food as comfort. i even write lists of what i want to eat next.... contrasting feelings.... i want to disappear.

First of all well done for resisting drinking for 10 days . I know that's not easy when you are feeling so low. And I'm glad you didn't self harm.

I in the past have turned to drink or drugs for release but I'm too resisting that temptation. I get visions or day dreams about drugs sometimes but I've started doing an online support meeting for na . I'm not ready to go out to a real meeting yet .

I know that empty feeling that you talk about. I know that feeling of not existing .

You can send me a private message only if you want to. Any one can. I love making new friends on here .

Hugs:

Sophie

[sinking]

Thanks Sophie.

i had to give in today and i drank some but i dont feel any relief, only nauseous

id try drugs but i dont know how to get them

i see my T tomorrow but i dont know how can she help....

[cryingontheinside]

I hope she can help. Good luck with your appointment. Let us know how it goes .

Originally Posted by sinking

i feel empty, no, just some void....

and unreal.... or better, non-existent....

its as if... i need someone to make me real, existent. maybe a stranger? someone in person, real, someone interested in me....as if i was someone interesting. or with a real life. someone to make me feel alive.

i need to drink. its been a long time since the last time. now i've resisted the urge for about 10 days but i need to give in. its better than SHing.... i dont feel like SHing, not sure why.... i still get the visions of it though.

the only reason i've resisted drinking so far is calories. i dont want to get fat again. but i still use food as comfort. i even write lists of what i want to eat next.... contrasting feelings.... i want to disappear.

I can relate to the planning what to eat next.

I posted in the overeating forum about this issue, planning your next binge.

I am sorry you are feeling low.

(((((((hugs)))))

[sinking]

My T and I had a lot to talk about today....

food... i never mention it because im scared she'll try to do or say something about it and i really dont want that. im doing what i want with food so i dont want that to change. but it is something i think about most of the time everyday.

alcohol... i told her i drank. i even kind of asked her how i could get myself drugs. she didnt like either... these two things are the only things in my mind able to get me some pleasure.... these and chocolate (better nutella )

we got to mention how i feel in a hotel at the "new" house (3.5 years living here with parents) and how i would feel in a hotel everywhere because my Home was taken from me by my parents moving (and forcing me to move with them). i have never dreamed new house in this whole time, while i still dream being Home.

but what we discussed about the most was about my parents, money, filling forms and getting a place for myself.

yesterday night my dad told me that i should start paying my own insurance. i know this is perfectly normal and right and i havent done so until now because i didnt have a good enough job to be able to pay everything i should.... im going to finish paying my car payment (lasted 7 years) next week and i agree now i'll be able to afford this other payment, but it felt like....

im planning on going living alone and my parents may suspect it but i havent told them so yet....

so it felt like they are against me going living alone if now they want to stop helping me and making me pay my own things... and i know this doesnt make much sense since i havent told them my plans, but then it felt like... EVERYTHING is against me going living alone. i kind of... would have been easier if they knew my plan and they found this way to keep me from going, but them not knowing made me feel EVERYTHING is against it.

(im SO sick of having money issues. all my life was affected by it! go figure im planning on getting a tracksuit i wanted since i was 13 but could never afford it! - 22 years later)

because apart from money.... and this is the reason why i havent told them yet..... its that my parents and especially my mom, would react hurt/sad/mad/abandoned by me moving out. i know that because she already is sad and upset by my brother moving out 2 years ago and she said the other day that only now she is starting to get used to it. what would happen when i tell them i'll move out too?

and she is jealous of my older friend, she feels in competition with her because i like to meet with her every week and i rarely go out with her. she would want me CLOSER (???) but she wouldnt dare to ask/expect the same from my brother. then why is she keeping me so tied to her? and then i am the one seeming cold and distant and feeling guilty and regretful
for wanting/needing my space! im 35yo for x sake!!!

AND there would be so many forms to fill out to get some help to be able to afford a place on my own.... a place that i'll never feel at home. never safe, always with money problems.... and i HATE forms! i have an aversion for them!

i feel angry and discouraged by all this. i DO want to move out and have my own place, but money, parents feelings, feeling forms.... make me feel i better give up and kill myself. just to spare myself the stress of all of this.
sorry... needed to vent.....

[LittleEarthquakes]

Originally Posted by sinking

Thanks Sophie.

i had to give in today and i drank some but i dont feel any relief, only nauseous

id try drugs but i dont know how to get them

i see my T tomorrow but i dont know how can she help....

i used to self medicate with drugs and alcohol too but both turned bad for me. now i rarely touch it.

[sinking]

I feel like killing someone. not just a metaphor to say im angry, i really feel like killing a person. i have visions of myself doing it. i'd stab someone in their back with a knife. a lot of stabs. a lot of blood. but finally free.

but yes, i am angry... at the world, at life, at parents, at everyone... mom and money are the biggest issues now. theres always something wrong with my mom and money is never enough.... but there are also work, brother, family friends, friends.... stupid drivers.... how angry they make me! and people and their bodies and body sounds ewww. im disgusted by bodies.

i keep drinking but not to the point of nausea anymore. i just enjoy the taste of it.... i need drugs.

[sinking]

in spite of all the rantings, feelings, thoughts, im still non existent.... unreal, not alive... and nothing and nobody make me feel real...............................

[sinking]

I just binged but it hasnt helped, not even a little bit, actually i feel a lot worse now . good reminder for next time...

i've felt like crying all day... actually every day for.... a long time.... not sure why

i guess always the same issues.... mom, family, friends, job, money, getting a flat and sliding into the black hole. im tired, why cant i have a break?

[Shazerac]

Just a thought....but maybe you do need to be on drugs, as in psychiatric medicine.

Many people who abuse alcohol and drugs have an underlying mental health issue that they are self medicating.

Have you ever considered going to AA meetings? (Alcoholics Anonymous) you can find help and friendship there. A feeling of emptiness is pretty common for people when they try not to drink. You have to learn how to be sober. It's like recreating yourself from the beginning.

As far as moving out from your parents house. This is a normal process that you need to go through. Yea forms suck! But it's part of being an adult. Your mother's issue with her children is HER issue to deal with. It's not realistic to expect her children to not grow up and get on with their lives.

[LittleEarthquakes]

Originally Posted by sinking

in spite of all the rantings, feelings, thoughts, im still non existent.... unreal, not alive... and nothing and nobody make me feel real...............................

I'm feeling the same way. Whenever my boyfriend leaves the house to go do chores or see friends I feel empty. I can't stand being alone but I don't like going out in public either.

[sinking]

Shazerac,
im already on meds... but my pdoc says i should take 6 "pills", while my T says i should quit, so im keeping between 1-2 "pills". it worked quite well until now.... i feel maybe i should increase my meds again but i dont want to.

and im not at the point of being an alcoholic.... i maybe was in the past, i talked to docs and was doing well (no alcohol) until about a month ago when i started craving alcohol again.............

things are getting worse since i tapered my meds, but thats what i wanted!!!!! sometimes i feel i enjoy feeling bad, getting lost i my head.... it makes me feel a bit more alive. like this thought of killing someone.....

as for moving out.... yes, i suppose forms are part of being an adult. ewww.

i just dont want to hurt my mom telling her i want to move out.... not until it will be a real possibility for me. its useless to make her mad/worried/hurt before its time.

LittleEarthquake, then at least your bf makes you feel good/real?
nothing works for me

[LittleEarthquakes]

Originally Posted by sinking

Shazerac,

LittleEarthquake, then at least your bf makes you feel good/real?
nothing works for me

I feel empty when I am with him too unfortunately It's just an all consuming emptiness. I never quite feel like a real person. I feel like an alien.

The only things I really am able to enjoy is when I get lost in something (a tv show for example, where I can get lost in the characters lives) but the second I turn it off I feel empty