[JustAnUntakenName]

Please help me, any advice or assistance will be appreciated.

I am really struggling with self-discipline. I set three alarms in the morning, turn them all off when they ring and just continue sleeping. I want to wake up, go exercise and continue my day according to my schedule - I need to. I managed to get it right for about a month when my ex and I first started talking but before that, and not long after it, I just couldn't get out of bed anymore. It's the same with work, I want to practice programming and drawing and web-design and 3d modelling because my skills really are not up to par but I just don't; I just end up gaming or sitting in front of the TV.

I've download tons of exercise and habit-making apps and set hundreds of alarms. But when the time comes I just don't have the passion or energy to do the stuff that I really have to and want to do.

Everything feels like a chore. Even reading a book feels like a chore and like there's no reason for it. I love art and I am passionate about my work but when it comes to just doing it all the passion just fizzles. Sometimes I have just enough energy and I start a task but then I don't get it right as I should or I struggle with it - what little passion and drive I have wanes almost immediately. Then I end up dropping the task altogether.

I know practice makes perfect; I know the only way to get better is to push through and do it. But when I just push through it exhausts me and in most cases, my skill level doesn't improve because I'm not actively learning I'm just numb and numbly pushing through to get to where I am better at doing the task - but I never get there because I'm numbly doing the task. And that altogether makes what little motivation I have die even more.

I have a ton of work to do to achieve what I want in my life. I am passionate about achieving it but when push comes to shove there's just not enough passion to keep me going. And I'm running out of ideas to coax myself to work and learn in an active and engaged way.

For a while, my ex would call me and make me wake up but then I started lying to him, telling him that I got up when I didn't really.

I don't know how to motivate myself to do **** anymore. And I really have to get motivated because I am FAR behind in terms of where I should and want to be in life. It causes me tons of anxiety but the anxiety doesn't push me to stick to my schedule it just makes me want to give up and feel hopeless.

I bought a bunch of courses online for me to improve my skills and I am genuinely excited about doing them. I love the idea of doing them and building my skills, but when I sit down to do them it's like there's zero motivation and I don't know what to do anymore.

I occasionally get little spurts of motivation where I manage to workout correctly and stick to my diet and work and study - basically stick to my schedule - for two to three days. But then it just vanishes and months go by where I do nothing.

If you were to ask me "but what did you do, in this time?" I wouldn't be able to tell you, because I can't remember doing anything. I'd assume I'd play games but I haven't really got that many hours on my games and I haven't achieved any new achievements in the games I play - so I haven't spent that much time gaming if I have now results to show it. As far as I can tell I literally just sit around and do absolutely nothing. I have nothing to show for the past two years of my life and I compulsively, periodically delete any work that I think isn't good enough - so for the past six years of my life I have almost nothing to show. Most of the projects I did at varsity are deleted and most of the projects I started at home but never finished got deleted too. My skills level is about the same and I am getting older and older with nothing to show.

I want to study, I want to be good at my job, I want to exercise and feel good about myself - so why is it so incredibly hard to just do it? It wasn't always like this - as a child I had tons of motivation and I was constantly improving. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Grath]

I'm in a very similar place. I really enjoy programming and Computer Science and picked it up as a teenager, but in the last three years, I barely progressed. I'm just too damn afraid of being bad at it or not being as good/motivated as others, so I just let it slide. Everything I start goes to ****, and despite all efforts and tears, nothing has improved.

I can't really give you advice, because I myself need to figure this out. All I can say is: There are similar people out there like you, going through the same things. Never give up, it's never too late, I'm sure.

[JustAnUntakenName]

But it can become too late time is running out. You can only achieve certain things within a certain window of opportunity, once that has passed you are physically too old, with too little experience and skill to complete what others have completed decades before you.

Success = Work + Skill + Luck

I have no luck and having BPD doesn't help in that regard. I try to work at building my skills, but my skills aren't improving - they are in decline.

Who would want to hire a 30-year-old woman with a degree (that she just got... a simple four-year degree that took her seven years to complete), who also has no positive work experience to reference, and a declining work portfolio if anything to show for at all?

I'm miles behind my peers and it feels like the harder I try to catch up the less point there is in trying to because the window of opportunity is closing. I'm 25 years old and I have nothing to show for my life, there's nothing except regret and mistakes that I don't seem to learn from.

I'm scared. I have so many dreams and I can see them dying in my hands, I'm so scared. When my parents die I'll be alone and I don't know what I'll do. I don't know where I'll go or how I'll cope. The future is terrifying and my plans to protect myself aren't panning out.

[Grath]

Originally Posted by JustAnUntakenName

But it can become too late time is running out. You can only achieve certain things within a certain window of opportunity, once that has passed you are physically too old, with too little experience and skill to complete what others have completed decades before you.

Success = Work + Skill + Luck

I have no luck and having BPD doesn't help in that regard. I try to work at building my skills, but my skills aren't improving - they are in decline.

Who would want to hire a 30-year-old woman with a degree (that she just got... a simple four-year degree that took her seven years to complete), who also has no positive work experience to reference, and a declining work portfolio if anything to show for at all?

I'm miles behind my peers and it feels like the harder I try to catch up the less point there is in trying to because the window of opportunity is closing. I'm 25 years old and I have nothing to show for my life, there's nothing except regret and mistakes that I don't seem to learn from.

I'm scared. I have so many dreams and I can see them dying in my hands, I'm so scared. When my parents die I'll be alone and I don't know what I'll do. I don't know where I'll go or how I'll cope. The future is terrifying and my plans to protect myself aren't panning out.

I have almost the exact same thoughts every day. You have to realise that these are malignant thoughts that aren't productive at all. This is a part of you pretending to act in your best interest. In reality, this part of you sabotages you with these attitudes.

What helps me in these situations are some counter arguments:

– Vincent van Gogh only started painting with 27, and in only eight years he became a master in his craft.
It's never too late to be really good at something.

– Robert M. Pirsig was a child prodigy and went to university to study biochemistry with 16. Yet despite his early starts, he failed. Regardless, he worked as an English teacher after that and published Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, considered to be one of the most influential books of the 20th century, with 46.
Life is not linear, there can be turns and dead ends and you still might end up in the right place.

[JustAnUntakenName]

I don't understand what you mean by "pretending to act in your own best interest" - please explain. I am not "pretending" at anything and I find it highly offensive that you would just assume so, so, maybe just explain yourself clearly, please. There is probably just a misunderstanding and I am overreacting.

Now - in terms of Van Gogh, although we should always look on the bright side of life, I just want to point out a bit of reality: Vincent Van Gogh's art only became critically acclaimed after his passing (because it then acquired nostalgic and sentimental value which art-collectors feed on like leeches); during his lifetime he suffered financially, as well as psychologically, and many didn't like his paintings. He basically committed suicide and died in poverty because life sucks and talent means nothing if you don't have the means, luck and effort on your part to turn it into skill, or something cheaply marketable that the masses will blindly consume. Thus, in terms of motivation for success, Van Gogh is a horrible role model. XD

I don't see how being stressed about the reality of my future is malignant. The fact of the matter is that my window of opportunity is closing, there would be something seriously wrong with me if I was not freaking out about that - if I just calmly accepted that my last chance to achieve the only two things I want in life has passed and I just have to sit around now and wait to die because it's gone. I'd have to settle for less than.

I don't mean this in an offensive way at all, but I think you are thinking too idealistically about life and opportunities - which, depending on your situation, may be necessary... I may also be thinking too pessimistically, although I'm pretty sure my outlook is realistic - and I believe it is better to be prepared for the worst and not get it, than expect the best and not get it. Pretending like everything is fine, when it is not, will not make your dreams come true. And I, personally, would not be able to fake happiness for the rest of my life on this god-forsaken planet knowing that my opportunities have come, gone and I failed. I wouldn't cope, I wouldn't know where to start again or what to even work towards.

I don't mean ANY of this in a cruel way. It may sound very harsh, but it is the truth - and if you deny truth more problems will come.

[JustAnUntakenName]

I understand and appreciate the message though: "Think positive". I don't believe positive thinking can authentically fix anything because pretending to be happy solves nothing. Pretending to be happy doesn't actually make me happy and just causes me to suppress what is really happening at an emotional level, which in turn creates more complex problems a few months or years down the line.

However, maybe pretending like I'm happy will give me just enough fake energy to do something, and in doing something will lead to real energy that will enable me to actually do something. So, I will try and I will let you know how it goes.

[Grath]

Originally Posted by JustAnUntakenName

I don't understand what you mean by "pretending to act in your own best interest" - please explain. I am not "pretending" at anything and I find it highly offensive that you would just assume so, so, maybe just explain yourself clearly, please. There is probably just a misunderstanding and I am overreacting.

Now - in terms of Van Gogh, although we should always look on the bright side of life, I just want to point out a bit of reality: Vincent Van Gogh's art only became critically acclaimed after his passing (because it then acquired nostalgic and sentimental value which art-collectors feed on like leeches); during his lifetime he suffered financially, as well as psychologically, and many didn't like his paintings. He basically committed suicide and died in poverty because life sucks and talent means nothing if you don't have the means, luck and effort on your part to turn it into skill, or something cheaply marketable that the masses will blindly consume. Thus, in terms of motivation for success, Van Gogh is a horrible role model. XD

I don't see how being stressed about the reality of my future is malignant. The fact of the matter is that my window of opportunity is closing, there would be something seriously wrong with me if I was not freaking out about that - if I just calmly accepted that my last chance to achieve the only two things I want in life has passed and I just have to sit around now and wait to die because it's gone. I'd have to settle for less than.

I don't mean this in an offensive way at all, but I think you are thinking too idealistically about life and opportunities - which, depending on your situation, may be necessary... I may also be thinking too pessimistically, although I'm pretty sure my outlook is realistic - and I believe it is better to be prepared for the worst and not get it, than expect the best and not get it. Pretending like everything is fine, when it is not, will not make your dreams come true. And I, personally, would not be able to fake happiness for the rest of my life on this god-forsaken planet knowing that my opportunities have come, gone and I failed. I wouldn't cope, I wouldn't know where to start again or what to even work towards.

I don't mean ANY of this in a cruel way. It may sound very harsh, but it is the truth - and if you deny truth more problems will come.

Sorry for offending you, I might have been badly expressing myself.
Let me explain:

When I was in a mental facility for my problems, my therapist in there told me about different "ego states": That our personality doesn't consist of just one, but multiple "egos". She pointed out that the part of my personality always bugging me in my head about how I'm inferior than others and will never ever make it, is not the "real me", it's only a part of me.
That's what I meant with "pretending to act in your best interest". I didn't mean that you were pretending anything at all – I can highly relate to your struggle. I meant that the part of you telling you that you're less valuable than others, that you're becoming too old, that it's too late anyway is pretending something to you, pretending to be the rational part. Because you aren't that part of your personality. In the mental facility, I learned how to try not to let that part take over.

I don't think it's realistic to think that your life ends with 25, or that you have far less opportunities after that. I've met people at university who started from scratch with 28 and 35, and they were highly motivated and talented. It's never too late, especially if you think about finances primarily. Heck, there's a ton of successful late bloomers in Computer Science!

[Grath]

Originally Posted by JustAnUntakenName

I understand and appreciate the message though: "Think positive". I don't believe positive thinking can authentically fix anything because pretending to be happy solves nothing. Pretending to be happy doesn't actually make me happy and just causes me to suppress what is really happening at an emotional level, which in turn creates more complex problems a few months or years down the line.

However, maybe pretending like I'm happy will give me just enough fake energy to do something, and in doing something will lead to real energy that will enable me to actually do something. So, I will try and I will let you know how it goes.

It's not about "pretending to be happy". It's about knowing where your priorities are. If you can be only happy when you've achieved something or reached some goal, then the problem isn't that you're not achieving anything, it's that you can't be happy just with everyday life.

I can relate to that extremely well, because I've truly felt the same for the last four years. And it's taken me years to find out that my attitude towards achievement is what's causing my problems, not that I'm too lazy or stupid or something. It's the attitude of "only if I accomplish something in my life, I am worth something" that I meant when I said "malignant thought". And I didn't mean you to be malignant – it's this religion of "only successful people are worthy people" that so many people subscribe to (including me and you) that is malignant. It's a thought system that's poisoned my everyday life and how I see myself compared to others. It's caused me to have almost no self-esteem and not be able to be happy with anything anymore.

When I went into that mental facility, I went there with the thought "this will fix me, so I can finally be productive again". Now, I still have tons of problems. But at least I'm rid of the thought that there's no other way. That's a dead end.

[JustAnUntakenName]

I see, I don't know how to be happy about just being alive. I have never enjoyed being alive; from about the age of four I just didn't feel happy and started questioning the point in being alive. Do they teach you how to be happy about things when you see a psychologist or is it one of those "I-can-help-you-but-you-must-do-it-yourself" deals?

[Grath]

Originally Posted by JustAnUntakenName

Do they teach you how to be happy about things when you see a psychologist or is it one of those "I-can-help-you-but-you-must-do-it-yourself" deals?

That really depends on your condition, the kind of therapist (there's behavioural therapists, analytical ones and and and...) and their personality.

And yeah, this "only you can help yourself"-phrase annoys me as well.

But all in all, if you aren't seeing someone about your problems yet, I think it's always a good idea to get advice from someone.

[JustAnUntakenName]

Thank you very much for the advice.