[elevatedsoul]

yall are probably getting tired of me... sorry...
i just dont really have anyone else to talk to or anywhere else to go

i see the new therapist on nov 10, hopefully if all goes well and i can get transportation... (my mind is so full of worries grr) so hoping that i will hit it off with her and have someone to talk to then that can really re-arrange this messed up brain of mine

but anyway...
i will try not to overly complicate this

i was feeling good and wanted to try to talk to this girl. i wasn't intoxicated or anything just was feeling ok.. and it all went great i guess, i mean she's still talking to me and everything and she is really sweet and understanding but im feeling kind of triggered... scared!
feeling like i've already been rejected again even though i've lightly told her that im a little nervous and said i have ptsd which she has ptsd aswell which i think kind of helps her understand a little but i just cant stop the terror, the feeling of being unworthy and like its just going to fall apart and im going to have to deal with the dreadful pain again; i feel so pathetic which all just reinforces it and makes me feel like i cant or shouldn't be doing any of this and is just going to cause me to ruin it all again without even giving me a fair chance

i want to so badly overcome this because she's really lovely and its keeping me from expressing myself and being able to be playful as im having to try to battle with these things at the same time as trying to hide it and seem like everything is ok and i just feel awful because like maybe she deserves someone better and i should just give up..

it hurts am i supposed to just be alone?

[LittleEarthquakes]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

yall are probably getting tired of me... sorry...
i just dont really have anyone else to talk to or anywhere else to go

i was feeling good and wanted to try to talk to this girl. i wasn't intoxicated or anything just was feeling ok.. and it all went great i guess, i mean she's still talking to me and everything and she is really sweet and understanding but im feeling kind of triggered... scared!

She is talking to you and being supportive but it sounds like your fears and maybe past experiences are getting in the way of you staying in the present moment. It's hard to get close to people for me personally because I am afraid that they will reject or leave me. You deserve to give yourself a fair chance. I think talking through your fears and thoughts with your new therapist is a good idea so that you can maintain what seems to be the start of a good friendship/relationship.

it hurts am i supposed to just be alone?

I don't believe anyone is supposed to be alone. We are by nature social creatures and need human beings. With Borderline Personality Disorder we have trouble in relationships but I think with the right therapy we can have successful relationships. But I do not think you are "supposed" to be alone.

Also, the forums are meant for people to post on them. I enjoy reading new threads and I think it's good you're writing here and expressing how you feel.

[lucyjon]

No one deserves to be alone. Everyone deserves someone to have a special bond of love. The fact you have opened up to this woman shows you have courage. Don't ever doubt yourself. You took a risk with this woman and I hope things work out for you. You are doing better than me to be truthful in regards to this.
I am a 48 single man and have never been married. I will confess, since I found out I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I feel and have given up all hope that a woman will even give me a chance for love. I do have much to give, but get this feeling I was never meant to have this special love. So the fact you are taking a chance proves you are stronger than me. I have given up on this love to the point I wrote a book about my trip to Narnia(Chronicles of Narnia), where I go to this magical place and find love.
Wish you the best

[elevatedsoul]

Thank you

staying present is something that i constantly battle with and tried to work on with my last therapist but i think i didnt really do well with it and maybe let the therapist down even :/
its really hard though because i'll be ok and then the next thing i know its like im in my mind somewhere else, it happens so often and so fast that i just dont realize it and have a really hard time noticing and controlling it and i really only start to realize that i've drifted away or left when i start to come back again and i get annoyed or aggravated sometimes which kind of makes it worse because i just want it to stop but fighting it like that seems to make it have more control over me or maybe i just try fighting it in a negative way and it just has negative effects... i dunno..

i have been doing well with communicating with her until this afternoon when i started getting triggered by other people again..
now im scared again and feel like i dont know what to do... i dont want to show these things to her or scare her by coming off as a monster even though i feel like one a lot of times i really try hard to convince myself that i am not...

i just feel like i dont know what to say but feel like if i dont say anything she'll take it the wrong way and now im having worries... im afraid if i do try to talk i know what will come out, that i am in this triggered state and end up talking about things i dont want to talk about... or well want to talk about but feel like i dont want to talk about or shouldnt talk about because its bad to talk about or... i dont even know how to explain the thought process

just going through so much inside of me and having alot going on outside still trying to survive this place i live and survive in this world too .. i just wonder if things would be different if i lived in a better environment away from the chaos and drama but kind of feel like i wouldnt escape because its implanted inside of me and now im kinda feeling like i might be dragging someone else into it which makes me feel bad because i dont want to hurt anyone, i love people and hate hurting anyone... always just wanna help people and make everyone happy

makes me feel dizzy and confused

im not sure i am strong lucyjon, i am just stubborn...
much love

[LittleEarthquakes]

Environment does really affect us. However, pain and conflict are a part of life. My therapist told me that suffering is a choice. The key is accepting that yes, in this moment, you are hurting - accepting it instead of fighting it and battling against it. Because when you fight it, you give more power to the emotion. For example (and this may or may not apply in your case): I feel afraid that I am going to say the wrong thing ----> I avoid saying anything ----> I feel ashamed for not saying anything. My thoughts may not be very clear here as I'm learning too but I hope you get what i'm saying. I'm not downplaying what you're going through at all, I understand how hard it is.

[lucyjon]

I feel as if I want to go somewhere away from the troubles in this word. Part of the reason I keep to myself and not to allow others to see the real me. Fear of rejection, judgement, etc. Yet, I know that this is unrealistic and if I keep to myself I will dive deeper in my loneliness and despair.
Unfortunately IU told me they can't help me with a therapist. It seems I'm going to have counsel myself, which is unhealthy. I will have to set up a meeting with my priest which for some reason scares me. I've had meetings with him before and he even took a psychology class when I told him about my B.P.D. My priest is like a dad and he's been one of the greatest loves in my life. I even mentioned how people say I'm a good person and they don't know the real me. He then asked, "Who is the real Brian(real name)?". I couldn't answer. I then told him how I Know that there's a darkness in me and it scares me, "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling". He just smiled at m, "Brian, the fact you know your faults and passions is a good thing. Many people don't even see that they have passions and faults."

It's difficult to get through this world. Seeing injustices and he pain others cause us, especially ones that we love. My stepdaughter doesn't seem to care about me anymore. She no longer seems to want to spend quality time with me. This is the most difficult heartbreak I am going through. Yet I will always love her. Anyone else that has hurt me like she has I would have cutout of my life. I still have a "candlelight of hope" that she will someday realize how much I sacrificed for her, Love is sacrifice.

Anyway try to hang in there. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your heart, mind, and soul." The hardships this world brings us, if we can get through will make us stronger. May not seem like it, but eventually once our hearts slowly heal. We will be stronger and wiser. Peace be with you and realize you are not alone in this world. You have a purpose in this world. You have gifts to give to this world to make it a brighter place. I have to remember this and need to remember to keep the hope, the faith, and especially the love.

[Fuzzybear]

[elevatedsoul]

I feel afraid that I am going to say the wrong thing ----> I avoid saying anything ----> I feel ashamed for not saying anything.[

feeling not good..

thinking; what am i doing here? talking to a girl,
i know whats going to happen
it started to happen earlier, so i just stopped talking and layed there

it felt like a pulling back, withdrawal which makes not good feelings..

it seems like i just want to keep a destabilized mind so i just do things to make myself have these paranoias
i feel so avoidant, i recluse
want to hide from the world

[elevatedsoul]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

feeling not good..

thinking; what am i doing here? talking to a girl,
i know whats going to happen
it started to happen earlier, so i just stopped talking and layed there

it felt like a pulling back, withdrawal which makes not good feelings..

it seems like i just want to keep a destabilized mind so i just do things to make myself have these paranoias
i feel so avoidant, i recluse
want to hide from the world

Man im really messed up

**** a duck

Not even got to do with anything, just really ...

[elevatedsoul]

I cant stop it now
Think it was a mistake trying to open up to someone again..

Think i should just disappear..

I just cant trust anyone.

Now my emotions are all messed up more.. believing that something nice like that can happen to someone like me is just recipe for disaster...

People are just going to inevitably hurt me so thinking about just leaving the poor girl alone before i cause any problems...

I just wanna go away somewhere and be all alone i think..
Takes so much dealing with everyone and everything..

Hate myself..

[LittleEarthquakes]

Believing that you will inevitably get hurt can become a self fulfilling prophecy.

[elevatedsoul]

But it will happen because of how i am

Its like all my fault

But it's like not my fault too...

I dont know what else to do...

[elevatedsoul]

I messed up, feels bad

Went out and got drunk and high and ended up causing more triggers

Dont have meds with me..

Somethings really wrong with. Me

Cant calm my anxiety

Havnt had severe problems in so long dont know how to fix it...

Just shutting down and im looking like something is really wrong with me probably...

Really paranoid and depressed

Wish i had my gabapentin

[LittleEarthquakes]

You can begin to fix it by not going out and getting drunk next time. Alcohol is a depressant. What feelings led you to wanting to go out and get drunk and high? I mean no offense. I am trying to understand so maybe I can help.

[elevatedsoul]

i got triggered... started feeling really bad about relationships and being alone...
didnt want to really go out but i wanted to get high..

the girl i been talking to was goin to spend the weekend in a hotel with a couple guys and it just made me feel like a piece of **** and all i could think to say without cursing her out and making myself look like a jealous douche bag confused about her intentions i just said i hope you have fun and she stopped messaging and so i just left and started doing meth and weed and i just got back yesterday... so i guess i been without meds for like... 4 or 5 days... effexor, topamax, bloodpressure meds...

think i became psychotic... think everyone that saw me is going to think i have something seriously wrong with me... like multiple personalities...

i dont want them to think that... why did i have to forget my medicine...?

now i have a big problem to clean up... and people probably thinking i am schizophrenic or multiple personality...

i was shut down so bad i couldnt function... vision problems... my mind was just warped... confusion... i couldnt communicate... im so embarrassed i just want everyone to understand that its because i was withdrawing from the stupid medications....

[elevatedsoul]

Now it seems the girl i was talking to before all this mess doesnt want to talk anymore...

She said that she does but that we were talking and then i just disappeared...

She said she put up a wall or something and put it out of her mind... and that she doesnt know what to do to take it down..

I have been trying to fix it... i explained what happened to me and that i got triggered.. scared.. she just said well im not your ex.
Now she just being distant and seems like she doesn't trust me...

I ****ed everything up.... with the family i was with... their friends that saw me like that... the girls that were around when i was out.. and the girl i was trying to talk to...

She just seems to not be responding to me much... and i dont know what to do because its triggering...
She makes me feel like she wants to see that im a real guy really interested in her that isnt going to hurt her... but i dont know what to do because im trying and doesnt seem to matter... and it making me feel bad and like im just going to give up... but maybe thats what she scared of... but i need her to stop because it's hurting me and im trying my hardest to make it right... but feeling like rejected over and over is not good...

I dunno what to do... if it doesnt change today i think im not going to beable to continue... fighting...
If she doesnt want anything with me i dunno why she just doesnt say it...

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

You don't need to come up with anything amazing. Just keep contacting her until she doesn't reply, or tells you to stop.

If she likes you, you'll overcome this bumpy start. If she doesn't, let it go and move on.

[elevatedsoul]

nah.. i need to quit anyway..

if she wants to talk to me thats cool but i think that i cant do this

since it started my mind has melted... im dissociating too much and its not good...

so i just have to figure out how to get my mind to stop and agree to stop...
its just really hard because parts of me are fine with it and other parts just dont want to be alone...

its not good...

[elevatedsoul]

well wasn't able to quit... forgot...

but looks like it doesnt matter.. i knew what was gonna happen, today she finally blocked me

i knew it wasn't gonna turn into anything.. dunno why it hurts..

it seemed like she freaked out on me, all i was trying to do was help, i guess she just didnt want to talk anymore anyway and didnt know how to tell me off or something...

im just tired, i dont really want to live this life anymore because i try so hard at everything and no matter what it just ends up in pain and misery... broken..

i try to be happy so hard and no matter what seems like i end up being crashed down into the all too familiar pits of darkness...

i dont know why i should keep trying if im just going to fail continuously...

so tired of going up and down... so tired of myself... of this life

i just want it to be over... i dont want to do this anymore...
why do i have to keep living... why can't i just die...

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Don't say that, Elevated

Just because you have a few issues doesn't mean you can't be happy. It won't always be like this.

You're just tired and upset.

[LittleEarthquakes]

I can't really tell what exactly is going on by reading your posts. What were you trying to help her with?

[elevatedsoul]

i dont know what was going on with her...

she had been acting strange for a little while...
i dont know how long... my memory is breaking

like not talking very much... being short..
finally this morning she said she feels empty, like nothing and i was trying to figure it out and help... but she wasn't being responsive... and she said something about she didnt know how to talk and that sometimes people just need to be understanding and be available when they ready to talk and stuff.. and i said something about her need love and it like flipped her or something and she said she doesnt need love or want love or want anything and blocked me...

she said she is going through a lot and no one understands but i tried to tell her i want to understand and be there for her but she wouldn't talk to me about anything...
she said she has ptsd and stuff too...

was like nothing i did or said or tried was worth anything...

i feel like a big **** up and failure... worthless... tried to ignore all of my gut feelings and be sweet and caring and stuff... but i just get ****ed everytime...

she knows i have the bpd stuff and ptsd... i dunno why she would do this if she just isn't giving me a big **** you... i was thinking maybe she just didnt know what else to do any maybe needed time away... but i feel like thats a ***** thought and stupid and wrong and just going to prolong bloody pains...

its over, i ****ed it up... like everything i do
god damnit...

[LittleEarthquakes]

Maybe she felt like you were saying that you could give her love and she felt like that was way too fast for her. I don't know, just speculating. I am sorry you are in so much pain. Try to hang in there.

[ReptileInYourHead]

Elevated, I feel for you man, sounds rough. I’m not too familiar with some of the issues you struggle with but we do have some in common.
I had my time with hard drugs, and I advise you to lay off the meth, i don’t know how often you use but it makes things so much worse.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I agree with LittleEarthquakes. The mention of love could have freaked her out. You meant it in the best possible way. You sound like a very caring person. Just be friends for now. Get yourself clean and put yourself in the hands of the medics for a while. Once you're more stable, things will be a lot simpler.