[kiwi215]

I'm 23, but I feel like my mannerisms and demeanor and sense of humor and whatnot are very childlike. And of course I feel very "emotionally young" in that my emotion regulation is... poor. Still working on that. But anyway, this post is more about how I present myself to others not in regards to my emotions.

I make light of talking about my emotions, I joke about things that shouldn't be joked about, I use a childlike tone of voice, I tend to want to talk about only my problems and be the receiver of help instead of listening to others' problems and offer them help (like a child depends on their mother, not the other way around), etc. I know this could probably be because my emotional/social/cognitive development was "stunted" so to speak as I was growing up. So now here I am at age 23, but maturity-wise maybe 12-16.

I should note that I'm only talking about certain social situations, such as in therapy, in group therapy, around my "mental health friends," and things like that... people I'm comfortable with. I can collect myself enough in certain situations such as talking with a professor or my Pilates instructor for example. I can control my demeanor at work and school to an extent. But it's hard and feels unnatural and "cold" and I feel like I'm acting. A lot of this probably has to do with that identity criterion for BPD too. But I'm starting to feel like the childlike demeanor is closer to the "true me," and I don't want it to be like that. Well on one hand maybe I do because I can enjoy myself more in those situations and get certain attention (being cared for and comforted like a child) that I like, but on the other hand sometimes I want those same people to regard me as a mature adult. For example, I go to a DBT group and two of the therapists/leaders I am fairly attached to and I also display the more childish persona in group I front of them. But I sometimes try to suppress that and present myself as a mature adult (not necessarily without a sense of humor or anything, but just not childlike) because I want to be respected in that way. I look back on some of the things I've said or done or written on my DBT diary card and am embarrassed by how childish they seem. So I'm torn. Do I maintain the role of the child and enjoy the attention that can (sometimes) come with that, or do I work on acting more my age? I feel like I have to be more mature to really succeed in "adult" life, as in having a career, going to grad school, and maybe even being a therapist in some capacity. I'm a psych major and interested in *maybe* going into a clinical psychology field, *maybe* being a therapist, but I feel so unfit. Like, a child cannot conduct therapy. I would feel like an imposter. I feel like the people who have treated my mental health problems, even though they've seen me overcome things, would think it would be ridiculous for me to think that I could be a good therapist. So I don't tell them that's something I'm considering. Because I feel ashamed of it.

So what do you guys think? Can you relate? Did you ever "grow out of it" or "grow up?" Staying in this childlike persona feels "safe" to me, but I also want to move on and be regarded as a mature adult. But I don't know how to do that. Help?

[ShadowGX]

I definitely matured A LOT emotionally over the last few years in particular. A basic timeline (my memory is bad so bear with me):
- Childhood: I don't remember much of it, just little glimpses, but I'm told I was a monster with a lot of outbursts.
- Teens: Still a monster and with teen issues on top of it, but less emotional outbursts. Outbursts had more of a reason than before too.
- Late teens: A more mature monster, starting to get a better grip on my emotions, but still far from normal reactions to things going wrong.
- Age 18 to maybe 23: Emotions got to be less and less. I started "perfecting" the art of faking socially to get by (previously I couldn't even fake it, I had very little filter for my words and actions).
- 23+ (I'm currently 29): I felt less and less emotional as time went on. Those few emotions are rarely shown, it takes a lot to get them to appear (but it's not healthy when they do). Only in times of panic or severe depression do I find it impossible to appear emotionless or fake happy.

So in 29 years of living I've almost done a complete 180, going from uncontrollable emotional outbursts to having very few emotions.

What has helped me the most is being very self aware. It seems like you are to some extent as well, so that's good! I've had to learn the hard way sometimes, but at least I'm learning. I still consider myself "socially retarded" because I don't understand some basic hints most people use and need people to be up front with me when I'm doing something wrong. Between losing people due to my emotions and reactions or actually being told I was doing wrong I've done more for myself than any of my therapists have. Still have a long way to go though.

[kiwi215]

Interesting, thank you! That made me think about how I've changed over the years.. I think I have made some progress, so here's hoping that I can continue to...

You cannot possibly understand how much I can relate. So much I am adding you to friend list.

Despite the fact that I believe I am highly intelligent (am interested in psychology too, currently going for pharmaceutical sciences since colleges here don't offer psychology degrees.) and despite the fact that I was

1) Abused as a child -- One of my teachers put me in a bag where I almost suffocated while I was in pre-primary. I have no memory of my childhood because of it. Before that my dad threw me on the wall when I was three months old.

2) Isolated from society -- My parents believed that the world outside will do me great harm and figured out isolating me from my relatives and peers. This included me not going outside on my own and not letting any peer or relative visit me while at home. And going outside only for school.

3) Was bullied in my early classes so much that I vomited while going to school all the way. Even the teachers picked on me. This lead me to have a life crippling anxiety. I don't talk much about it.

4) And a lot of other things. Including all boys considering me a retard.

I believe you should do your best to mentally improve yourself.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I don’t have any advice for you. But I did want to respond and just say that you are not alone. I am a grandma 👵🏻 and I still feel like a vulnerable little girl on the inside. My therapist says that I am not giving myself credit for the improvement that has been made, but my therapist is not living inside me. I am and I know how sensitive the little girl inside is. And she is me. All the improvements my therapist refers to are not me, they are instead skills and techniques learned that help protect her. They are important things to know and to use. But they are not me.

[kiwi215]

Originally Posted by TheLonelyChemist

You cannot possibly understand how much I can relate. So much I am adding you to friend list.

Despite the fact that I believe I am highly intelligent (am interested in psychology too, currently going for pharmaceutical sciences since colleges here don't offer psychology degrees.) and despite the fact that I was

1) Abused as a child -- One of my teachers put me in a bag where I almost suffocated while I was in pre-primary. I have no memory of my childhood because of it. Before that my dad threw me on the wall when I was three months old.

2) Isolated from society -- My parents believed that the world outside will do me great harm and figured out isolating me from my relatives and peers. This included me not going outside on my own and not letting any peer or relative visit me while at home. And going outside only for school.

3) Was bullied in my early classes so much that I vomited while going to school all the way. Even the teachers picked on me. This lead me to have a life crippling anxiety. I don't talk much about it.

4) And a lot of other things. Including all boys considering me a retard.

I believe you should do your best to mentally improve yourself.

That sounds incredibly awful. I'm sorry you went through that. For me, my childhood was subject to emotional neglect/abuse by my parents. It was more subtle, yet prolonged trauma. No one could really see it. But I do think that a lot of the issues I described in my original post stem from not having a lot of my emotional needs met as a child. It's like I'm still trying to get those foundational childhood needs met. And I feel like it gets in the way of my life today and holds me back from developing in other areas. I once read a quote that went something like "you can't build a house starting with the roof." And that's where I feel torn... it's like I want to be at the "roof" part of my life and living the life a 23-year-old "should" be, but I encounter so many challenges with that because I don't really have much of a foundation upon which to build the rest of my life. And sometimes I feel like it's just too late... I missed the nurture that is supposed to happen in the "critical/sensitive period" of early childhood.

I understand that too. I have missed my childhood foundation too. I cannot develop in any area too. I originally wanted to be a doctor, couldn't, my doc told me. I figured out I could never "help others" in the way I wanted. Then last year joined a coaching institute. Had mostly negative experience with peers. But with teachers had mostly positive experience because they tolerated my yelling and odd behavior that usually was triggered by stress the moment I step outside. I am just so scared by the ongoing vehicles, people, etc. etc. Went to them today and they told me I am not fit to be a teacher either (wanted my students to be doctors.) They told me to open a retail store with my bachelor's degree in pharmaceutical sciences. I am not bashing them but it's the harsh reality of my life. Not a scientist, doctor, engineer or a tuition teacher as I fantasized.


But we cannot reverse time. The best we can do is seek professional help. They may help you and retrain you, with the aid of other if needed. I wanted to post this on time but the power went off.

[downandlonely]

Hi Kiwi,

I can relate too. I often feel emotionally behind my peers. I'm intelligent and have a high IQ, but it's just "book smart". I don't understand people very well. I think I am getting better, but I still have a long way to go. I think going to a DBT group is a step in the right direction. It's something I might try myself.

[Fuzzybear]

I’m afraid I don’t know the answer ....

[Unrigged64072835]

Hi kiwi.

I've been emotionally immature for most of my life. Joined the military, had a great career, got a good paying job after retirement. Had a nervous breakdown in 2012 and only starting to recover. My job was stressful and my home life was hell. That was even after marrying my great husband (my third marriage). And only a few years ago did I finally put some work into my therapy and got better. Is the little girl there? Oh yeah. She was here this morning feeling sad. I did learn how to talk to her and make her feel safe and happy so I can go on being my adult self.

[kiwi215]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Is the little girl there? Oh yeah. She was here this morning feeling sad. I did learn how to talk to her and make her feel safe and happy so I can go on being my adult self.

Would you consider this "inner child work?" I've heard this term used before and it's something that intrigues me... One therapist also suggested "reparenting." I've always liked the concept but haven't really gotten around to make this a practice in my life. Maybe I'll start. From what I know, it's essentially nurturing past you/your inner child in the ways that you needed to be nurtured as a child but weren't. So maybe attending to my needs, particularly the childhood ones, practicing positive self talk and encouragement to that child, and overall just taking care of myself? Maybe? Anyway what you said reminded me of this concept and I'd like to give it a try.

[Unrigged64072835]

I've done both. My previous T helped me reparent and some inner child work. I learned from a book called Homecoming by John Bradshaw. He went through different stages of childhood and had affirmations for each stage.