My hopefully not too long winded encounter with BPD

First off, thank you so much for having such a forum devoted to so many things. Other than a long ago education in psychology, I was entirely ignorant as to what BPD is. This is a wonderful place for me to learn the issues that people face, both as persons with BPD or friends and family.

Well, here's my story of my experience with BPD.

I have a male friend of more than a year with whom I grew close. We would talk for hours and he was always curious to learn things. I was never particularly attracted to him - he was not remotely athletic, had long greasy hair and a scraggly beard. Still, he was interesting and we got along well. We are both in our 20s and I'm a little older. He has a very unstable and contentious family situation with him still living in his parents home with several brothers. They all drink and they all have physical fights. I've seen that it is not a very loving or supportive environment. I know my friend was sexually abused by a male relative when he was young and he told me that he was sexually assaulted by a female classmate when he was 15. He has not had an intimate relationship since then, dropped out of high school and has difficulty holding a job.

Not quite six months ago I noticed that he became increasingly needy emotionally and was always asking for more time. When it was time for me to go he would find some way to talk me out of leaving. Often this was some crisis that he had at home or with friends that I would have to calm him down from. I also noticed that many mutual friends stopped interacting with him, citing excessive drama as the cause. Before I knew it, I became his sole source of emotional support.

I am an incurable flirt and I realize now that he misinterpreted that. About three months ago he began to refer to me as his girlfriend and soon thereafter, began to ask for and then demand all of my time and attention. He would go into a jealous rage if I interacted with other men, saying I was "cheating" on him or that he was being "cucked." I would get dozens, sometimes hundreds of texts, messages and videos throughout the day and overnight, professing his undying love and that I was his universe. I tried to be subtle in that there was no romantic relationship, but it fell on deaf ears and just made him more intense. He then demanded that I cease all contact with any male friends and curtail contact with my female friends and other social activities. The fact that I was in a running group with men would throw him into a fit. I would go from his sun and moon to spawn of the devil and back again in an hour. He demanded that I stop working out as there may be men at the gym. It angered him that I work in a field that is 80% male. He told me that he wanted to make it so that we would be each others' sole source of emotional support.

He proceeded to try and alienate my friends and family from me, but only succeeded in doing that to himself. They traded some very nasty encounters to where he was no longer welcome in my social circle. He became the butt of jokes among my friends as well.

He became increasingly sexually aggressive, demanding that I send him racy pictures or submit to him, which I kept deflecting. He would describe in nauseating detail what he was going to do to me and how I would have to satisfy him several times a day. He had some interesting paraphilia, one of which he would want me to be mean to him, which he found arousing, but would break down sobbing if I complied.

He was a bundle of contradictions too. One of which was he was shy and constantly professed having low self esteem, but he could more arrogant than doctors, lawyers and fighter pilots I know. He would go from, he is "nothing" to he is better than any man I had been with in minutes. He could be wise and intelligent, but then incredibly juvenile.

He would craft these "fairy tale romance" scenarios in which I would sweep him off of his feet and take him away from his tumultuous home and care for him entirely, financially, emotionally and physically. Or, that I would abandon my family, friends and career and we would run away together with the same outcome as above. His contribution to the "relationship" would be playing his guitar and doing a few chores. I pointed out that the enormous disparity in our lives would be a huge obstacle to any relationship, hoping he'd focus elsewhere, but it just drove him harder.

So, here's the frightening part. When he would fly into these jealous rages, he would call me all sorts of horrible things and would always threaten self harm or suicide if I withdrew or didn't comply with his demands. He would send me video after video overnight of him destroying his room, screaming obscenities at me, fighting with his family and punching holes in the walls of his home. Other streams of videos or messages were of him sobbing uncontrollably, begging me to be with him and that I was the only one who could help him. These would be followed by more videos and messages of him him giggling and complimenting me. I realized that it wasn't bipolar as I had been with a guy who was bipolar and the emotional dysregulation was too severe and the mood swings too rapid.

Confused and not understanding BPD at the time, I rebelled and began to provoke him. Everything he demanded, I would do the opposite. I would hang out with guy friends, I would workout harder, I would spend more time at work. Of course, this made the tantrums worse. I told him that he was smothering me and that I was overwhelmed by the intensity of his emotions. I told him that I was frightened by the violence of his outbursts. I cited one early morning video in which he beat one of his guitars on the ground for more than half an hour, the thing being just wood and plastic shards and strings for most of it. I begged for space, but it made him more desperate. I begged him to return to therapy, but he said that I was the only one who could heal him.

In a weird revelation, I remembered that I have a graduate degree in clinical psychology and that, maybe, he suffered from some form of mental illness. I even interned as a counselor at an outpatient clinic working with mentally ill clients. However, I was given the opportunity to become a pilot and I never looked back until now. I began researching as much as I could, which led me here. I am grateful for the amount of personal information that people have shown as this has been a reeducation for me.

It's ironic that he could not have chosen a potential romantic partner more poorly. I know my faults and being passive-aggressive is one of them. The harder he pushed, the more I deflected and rebelled. He would video call me in a state of arousal and demand that I comply and I would make fun of him or talk about the weather until it went away. I have a large social circle including a lot of men and I get a fair amount of attention from men, which was a constant flash point. Finally, and most ironic, is that I'm very emotionally blunted. I joke that in a 1 to 10 emotional scale, I'm a 4 to 6. I laugh a lot and am quite humorous, but I don't feel anything intensely. I get angry, but almost never to the point of an outburst. I'm affectionate, but don't really feel love. I can't recall the last time I cried or felt sad. This also drove him into fits, calling me cold and much worse. He would frequently project an emotional state onto me with a high degree of inaccuracy. When I told him I simply don't feel that, he would insist I was lying. He would frequently demand that I cry as well and would do things that he thought would make me cry, to which I would yawn because I'm passive-aggressive. His lack of education or employment were also flash points for me.

Anyhow, that is my short story, long. I am grateful that a forum such as this exists and I have gained a much better understanding of BPD and regained a level of empathy for him, though I am still emotionally exhausted and desirous of a lot of space.

Blessings to you all, Alice

Wow. Well first, welcome to the forums. I come and go....and I'm glad to hear you are finding being a member beneficial. In addition to this one, there are support forums for "friends and family of..." If you haven't checked those out, I'd recommend them. They might be helpful to you, since you seem to be willing to continue interaction with your friend. Having BPD, I know I've made it incredibly difficult for those around me, my own family and friends, at times.

Thank you so much! I did take a look at that. My friend went under the radar two days ago and I have not heard from him. I did block him from all of my social media and phone and his family does not know where he went. I have to admit a lot of worry, but there is nothing that I can do. He did successfully manipulate me into feeling like I was responsible for his well being. I'm detoxing from that now.

I hope things are better for you. I was really having trouble understanding the behavior and what drove my friend to do the things that he did.

Hope you're still doing ok.

I am, thank you. My friend ended up in jail for an outburst at his home, which is likely related to his obsession with me. On one hand, I feel terrible, but on the other hand, the drama factor went way down. I'm amenable to keeping contact with him once he gets out, but I'm going to set up some serious boundaries and not make the same mistakes as before in how I dealt with the whole issue.

Thank you again and hugs!

Oh boy, so, my friend was released. There are some big discrepancies between his and his family's version of events. But, in cutting to the chase, I got hundreds of texts, emails, voice mails and other odds and ends in the last eight hours. I have tried just about everything. I got his with new accounts so the ones I blocked are useless. I felt sorry for him so I did respond to a few and said I was glad he was doing better and that he was unharmed. I tried the, we're just friends and I care for you as a friend, but he was going to bull right over that. I tried the, I'm already and still in a relationship, but he was going to bull right over that. I tried the passive-aggressive approach, doing the opposite of what he demanded. I have never met anyone as aggressive and sexually aggressive as this guy, who will not take no for an answer and hints or even direct messages don't work.

I was finally going to take the dreaded, "I'm way out of your league" approach to illustrate just how incompatible we would be. This was not a road I wanted to go down, but I can't think of anything else right now. I pointed out that he was average looking, has long greasy hair, a scraggly beard, is shorter than me, is way out of shape, has no physical activities, has no income, no education, and no current employment and is very explosive and unstable. I asked how would that be any sort of a SO for me as I would have to take care of him more like a child than an SO. I pointed out that I was about as opposite as could be from him and for him to have an attractive and ambitious SO would make him paranoid all the time like he was. I realized that logic wasn't going to work and, sure enough, it didn't. He bulled right over that, bragging how a guy like him had won a trophy SO like me and he could show me off to his family and friends.

So, now I'm all wound up and awake at 3:45 am, gearing up for the drama all over again. I'm running out of ideas on how to keep this guy at bay and get him to be just a friend, whom I'll help and listen to, but that's it.

Ok, first, I'm all wound up over work and can't sleep. :P

I seem to be keeping my friend at bay. I failed miserably in cutting him out entirely as he created a gazillion new accounts to contact me and I just gave in and said hi. Maybe I should have gone Coronavirus and just let him burn himself out. But I set some boundaries. I refuse to let him devour my sleep. I told him that when I'm tired I am going to hang up or leave and that's it.

Apparently, after all of the fighting with his family, they want him to stay with them now. They were trying to pawn him off on me for the longest time. His outbursts were driving them nuts and they wanted me to take him in and marry him and care for him on my dime. Now, they're fighting because they want him to stay and he says he's going to marry me and live happily every after.

I did get the plethora/cornucopia/barrage of texts, emails, voicemails and videos of him crying and sobbing and bawling that I wasn't making his dream come true. I just had to sigh when I saw his streaks of tears and him screaming, "what the f is wrong with you! You know this was my dream to have you!"

So, when I do respond or speak with him it's very bland and very monotone and professional.

It sounds an awful lot like stalking.....do you think the police would help?

Oh, it definitely is. I took peoples' advice earlier and blocked and deleted him and he's not welcome with my friends and family any longer. But, he created a gazillion new accounts and the begging and pleading began. I gave in and said hi. I did set some boundaries, which seem to be holding for now. Sleep for one. I was becoming horribly sleep deprived giving into his begging me to stay or talk longer and longer. I'm still getting the threats to self harm if I don't sleep with him. The fears of abandonment are still ever present where I could take a call or step away and it's a huge issue.

I did check into legal options, but they don't see him as a threat to me right now. I don't want him to get into trouble and I would be happy to still have him as a friend only, but he is dead set on having his trophy girlfriend, soon to be wife. My logic of my providing everything into a relationship while he does nothing doesn't seem to phase him. He and his family think they have struck it rich.

Hey @ARaven0137 do NOT stop pursuing this even if you have to stretch the truth about his behavior. At the very least its harassment and they have to take that seriously. I mean at my daughters' school cyber bullying is considered harassment and the police get involved if students continue the behavior. Be persistent. He is not allowed to do what he is doing. DO not let the cops brush you off. Have you only dealt with male cops? Aroun here they have mandatory sensitivity training in order to learn that they cant just tell someone to ignore a woman being stalked. Its behavior that often precludes violence.

He sounds like a train wreck and I hope he gets his life together. But he’s not your responsibility.

It sounds like you never wanted to be in a relationship with him, but you landed in one (pilot pun). There’s something about this that has compelled you.

When you say you try to tell him no, but he doesn’t let you, well, your not trying hard enough. No means no.

You can’t be just friends with him. You have to really cut ties.

Don’t let anyone guilt you into thinking his unhealthy coping is your fault. It is not your mission in life to fulfill his dreams, especially when those are not your dreams.

Take a break from your cell phone and social media if you have to in order to get rid of him. Move if you have to. Make it very clear it’s over. Get protection from police and support from others if you have to. Don’t keep engaging him and he’ll get tired and move on eventually. This is going to be a difficult break up with a volatile person. You must do this for yourself.

Yes, I have only dealt with males so far. There was a guy at the front desk, who seemed like he was new. I called in as well and spoke to a guy who told me that it didn't constitute something that was actionable as "he didn't threaten me or do me any harm."

I have seen him trash his room and smash his guitar so I do hear you. Thank you.

Oh God, I know. I think I will get a new phone too. I got weak and said hi and the storm of texts, etc began again. I have spoken to the police on a couple of occasions, but I'm told that it doesn't rise to the level of intervention.

This was one of a gazillion texts.

Like that fixes EVERYTHING.
And i had to lie to everyone about being suicidal.
I am a bit suicidal now..
Cause things just arent the same anymore. 💔
Things. Just. Arent. The. Same. 💔
I wanna die again.
I wanna die.
I wanna die
I wanna die.
I wanna die.
My life is a joke.
I dont deserve to be here.
I dont know why you do this to me.
You just leave me hanging like this....
Now youre the one ditching me. ....
One day ill just be gone

It will certainly be difficult and thank you. I have to admit being weak in this department. Thank you for the support in keeping me going in the right direction.

I swear the guy does not even sleep. God, I just have to vent. I'm getting a new phone.

All of this is about 1% of what I got overnight.

I warned him before that my emotional range was very limited. This is him projecting an emotional state on me with a high level of inaccuracy.

This is interspersed with dozens of videos.

I took out his name and the explicit language.

Just since I logged on a few minutes ago.

Like I don't have a job or can actually respond to thousands of communications. Ugh, stay strong, Alice, stay strong.

I assume you have already given him a firm reality check, that you do not want to be his girlfriend and he is to take care of himself and leave you alone. If you did, then I would not respond to anything from him anymore. Responding only gives him an opening to keep reeling and starts it back up again. You cannot be just his friend either, because he cannot separate the difference. He’s out of control now.

Just breath, remember this will pass, you just need to hang on and don't give in! Keep doing whatever you can to cut him out without responding directly to him (or his family, from the sounds of it), because he ain't listening and you know you'll just be feeding him. Sever the ties like cutting tatami. Breath and focus. Keep venting in here if it helps you de-stress and re-center yourself, we're happy to provide ears to listen and support where we can.

Last we left off I did tell him that I needed space and a break from the behavior that he was showing me and that we were, in no way, compatible beyond friends. Perhaps that was softshoeing it a little. After I got weak, I've limited my responses to things such as, I'm glad you're safe and unharmed. Please don't hurt yourself. Take care, goodbye.

I find his behavior and mindset utterly perplexing. Cognitively, I know it's BPD, but I can't wrap my mind around it. No amount of logic works and it was like being a bug in a blender every day.

Thank you! The venting here does help me to recenter.

His family is utterly dysfunctional too, which I know contributes to BPD. His parents and brothers are all alcoholics and there is both neglect and enmeshment as well as frequent physical fights. I admit that this was a big reason I felt bad for him and gave him so much time.

One of the things that I'm seeing that I think is part of BPD is this seemingly split personality. Not like different identities, but a jumble of extreme contradictions in personality and behavior. Beyond me, he's extremely shy and introverted, but he is also the most arrogant person I know and that includes fighter pilots, doctors and lawyers.

Regardless of if he would have a diagnosis, he’s acting like he’s been given mixed messages and he’s frustrated.

Looking back, I’ve had to end a couple relationships that denigrated to this kind of drama.

You need to ask yourself if you want anything at all from him. You are saying you want to have a friendship. You are telling him you need a break. That implies you will be back. You are toying with him. He wants you to be his wife. You say you only like him as a friend, and always that was all you felt. You have encouraged him just enough to really mess with his mind. Perhaps you are confused about your own feelings, too.

Those texts he sent are emotionally exhausting. I couldn’t deal with that, if it were me. Do you want a relationship like that? Remember, he does not want to be just your friend and that is what you want. It is not a meeting of the minds. That’s why this is so out of control.

I appreciate the honest feedback. If I have one thing going for me, it's that I'm introspective.

Thinking through it, I didn't mean it like that, but yes, I can see what you're saying. I do have great difficulty with people who are so overwhelming that subtle hints don't work. I really hate interpersonal conflict and I often try to "polite" my way through it for far too long. I tend to be fairly open about my personal life and that was probably seen as an invitation. I can see how we both triggered ingrained responses to things.

He went from zero to sixty overnight after knowing him for six months and I know that I have a pattern of subtle hints, more directness and then passive-aggression when I'm not being heard. In friendly settings, I'm very polite, kind and try to be well mannered. It's that southern belle upbringing that I had.
Looking back, I can see how the subtle hints were not the path I needed to take then. It was a pattern that worked for me in the dating world where guys were fishing too and didn't want to waste time on someone not interested. For this guy, by the time I got to "no" which was several months after he said we were going to be together, it was probably too late.

I told him directly that I was probably the worst possible woman for him to want to be with since I have those behaviors which trigger him. After directness didn't work and before I knew what he was wrestling with I went all passive-aggressive, trying to drive him off, intentionally doing everything I knew he hated, like working out with or having lunch with male friends and then telling him all about it. For me, that normally got guys to go away and look elsewhere. The more he would rage and sob, the more I would do that. I kept hoping for the, you know what Alice, you don't deserve me, bye.

On the other hand, his bull in the china shop approach to me was certainly triggering. Nothing in my purse of coping mechanisms worked and he bulled through every strategy I had.

But again, thank you for the honest feedback. I do think back on what happened a lot and how I could have approached it better. I think the friendship is likely unsalvageable and I've just been reading his texts and listening to the voice mails but not responding.

Moving forward you’ll handle it better. Firm consistency while being gentle with letting him down. Tell him you have to end the relationship and no amount of his texting will change your mind. You are sorry for having given him any mixed messages, but you do not feel the same way about him as he does for you. Then don’t respond. Break his way of contacting you. I hope he doesn’t really become a dangerous stalker.

I’ve had to go up against some of the most obnoxious, pushy people and stand my ground. I found the only thing that works is firm, consistent resistance and then ignore. They all eventually gave up. Please be careful, though. His level of emotional disturbance is concerning.

This individual is emotionally abusing you. And you are letting him do this to you when you interact with him.

It's concerning to me why you continue to engage at all. You need to cut him off completely and that's it, there is no relationship at all with this individual that you can possibly have. How much proof do you need to understand that? Let him blow himself up or whatever. Your are pushing a mountain that simply cannot be moved.

The other thing is that you really do not know if this is borderline, it could be a few things, even something that is mixed in with OCD because he is compulsive. He may also have something that is accompanied with psychotic features or episodes. His mental state is simply beyond you and it's safest for you to stop interacting with him completely.

That's very true. He does hit almost all of the BPD criteria as far as I've experienced from the threats of self harm to the emotional dysregulation. I did fall into the dysfunctional dance of him threatening himself and having that evoke my nurturing instinct and concern for his safety and then rushing to his aid. I haven't responded in 36 hours now so I just have to stay strong. I have this fear that he'll just show up on my doorstep like a lost puppy. I spoke to his therapist some time ago to tell her what was going on since he glosses over things with her...or did since he doesn't think he needs therapy. She seemed to brush me off so I did tell her in my snarky manner that an aviatrix who just happens to have an MS in clinical psychology and read up on BPD was not adequate to take care of his therapeutic needs and that maybe she should do it. You're right, his mental state is simply beyond my ability to do anything about.

I have a lot of difficulty processing emotions so it takes me longer to get through something like this that was so overwhelming.

It's possible he does exhibit BPD traits but that could be mixed with other psyhcological issues too. He is obsessive and can get violent though which is dangerous for you to be around and he may also be bipolar. Yes, he may end up on your doorstep which is extremely concerning and potentially dangerous for you. He does know where you live. Can you afford to move somewhere else for a while where he can't find you?