My hopefully not too long winded encounter with BPD

Ah, I hadn't thought of other issues mixed in as well. You're right, it is obsessive and he has demonstrated violent behavior that was absolutely frightening.

He does. Unfortunately no, I don't have anywhere else to go at the moment. I thought about taking a long work trip overseas, but corona shut those down. My friends and family know the basics of what's going on and they're on the lookout. I do have a fairly robust security system. He has jokingly stated things like trying to sneak into my house, which does scare me. I don't think he was really joking.

There's one weird thing that he keeps coming back to, over and over. I'm not sure if this is part of any disorder or perhaps cultural. From the time he went from 0 to 60 to the voice mails and texts and emails he sends he keeps harping on his dream of being intimate with a white woman, particularly wanting to "cuck" a white man with a white woman. I spent a fair amount of time in Asia and the Middle East and blonde white women were the rage.

I do seem to draw some winners. I dated a guy once (and snuck out) who seemed nice and intelligent. He was a Ph.D candidate in engineering. Withing ten minutes of dinner he began asking detailed questions about my martial arts training. He then asked if I like "beating up men." Then, he asked if I would beat him up in a pit of mud. I started laughing, thinking he was joking, but he was serious and I could tell he was excited. I went to the bathroom and didn't stop there. The guy tracked me for five years...

I'm at 48 hours and holding strong. Thank you for the support. It feels like AA. Hi, I'm Alice, I haven't responded to L in 48 hours.

There must be something about you that attracts men that are insecure about themselves and need a certain kind of woman they can control in some way. Or, something that attracts you to that type of male. Anyway, keep up with the no contact no matter how hard he tries to contact you. Take your power back, do not hand him any more power.

My best friend told me that I'm too kind and that I'm a good listener. I know it's to make up for when I was younger and was a total...witch. I still have a lot of guilt over that. Even though I'm not very emotional, I have a strong nurturing instinct and I do fall for a sob story. I prefer strong, well established men as romantic interests, but I do spend a lot of time with those down and out and try to be helpful. My problem is I know what I like, but I tend to settle for who wants me. 60 hours now!

But, this came over the wire. I read it, but did not respond. 60 hours!

Does he live near you or is this just an online relationship? I’m concerned that he will show up at your door. Why would he only send a barrage of texts and not come over in person?

Did you explain to him you never wanted to be his girlfriend, you felt he roped you into something you didn’t want but didn’t know how to stop? It sounds like he thinks you are his girlfriend and feels like you ghosted him. How did you end it?

He lives in a nearby town. It's kind of a dangerous area, actually. And he has no means of transportation other than a bicycle that's falling apart, so too far for him to ride unless he uses the bus. I use to go and meet him and a group of friends before things devolved. He was initially a friend of friends, whom he alienated enmasse with similar behavior. Of that group, I was the only woman.

I'm definitely concerned about that too. It's online now. My friends and family told him he was no longer welcome after the ranting outbursts and a bunch of choice names he called us. Every one of that group and my friends and family are saying the same thing.

It probably happened a little late in the game but all through January and into February when he went to jail I was telling him no, I need space, I need a break from you, go back to therapy, you need help from someone other than me. Mid last year when I watched all of our group fall away from him I felt sorry for him and initially had only his side. It got down to just he and I and him telling me that I was the only one who cared, the only one who stuck around, the only one who understood him, his family is a mess, etc. Of course, that pinged my nurturing instinct and I said I was there for him and wanted to help. Nearly overnight it went to him saying he loved me, he wants to get married, I'm going to be his baby factory, etc. I thought it was a joke and didn't say no. I went into my dance around and deflect mode. But, I would go when he needed someone to listen when I was able to.

By about November it had escalated into the control and possession issues where he began making demands about who I saw, what I wore, when I went out. I told him he had no basis for making such demands as I'm in a relationship and that I was an independent woman and could see whom and wear what I wanted. This started the ranting tirades of him filling up my voice mail, sending dozens of emails with screaming or explicit videos of himself and texts with the same. He would also make crazy demands that I use his explicit videos and pics for myself. I saw the emotional dysregulation and the intense fear of abandonment, along with the splitting where I was either an angel or a demon. Whenever I would tell him that I had to go or that a relationship was not a good idea, he went into the threats of self harm and suicide and I backed down and just let the subject pass. Around December was when I went into passive-aggressive mode. It started when I had the opportunity to attend a triathlon training clinic, which was run by a male friend. L went through the roof, accusing me of cheating, leaving him, etc and that he was going to walk in front of a truck if I attended, so I backed down and didn't go. He then made demands of how I dress and that I cut ties with all of my male friends, leave my relationship and take him in and support him. That was when I went total passive-aggressive. I dressed how I wanted, I worked out with guys, I had lunch with guys, etc. I tried every other tactic that I had in my bag. I pointed out that he was in no way an equal which was what I would want. How would he support himself. He would just be a beggar with no money or income. My family already despised him. My friends hated him. I was the worst possible pick for him. I'm so far out of his league that I may as well be on Venus. Nothing worked. Even his former friends who were still my friends told him he was delusional and to just find someone in his own area who was more his speed.

It was probably mid to late January when it dawned on me that he may have a personality disorder and that I was probably feeding into the behavior rather than convincing him to back away. The wall for me was when he would threaten self harm and I would back down and say we'd discuss it later. I'm sure he knew that was my break point to stop saying no to him. Up to then, my friends and I thought he was just plumb loco and that no one gets that bent out of shape over minor things. That was when I pulled out my old psych text books, started researching and that led me here. It was then that I reached out to his former therapist and begged him to go back.

The night he got arrested I got voicemail and texts at 330am to come rescue him and to bail him out and that I had to save him and dump everyone in my life and take him in. When I got it that morning I sent him a text and email wishing him good luck and that I was going to block and delete all of his accounts. I told him I needed to be away from the drama as it was too much for me and that I hoped he would come through it ok. I think that was at the end of January.

I think he got out and his case was dismissed towards the beginning of March and here I am.

Lucky for you he only has a bicycle and I think the busses aren’t running due to the pandemic.

I had similar drama where the guy threatened self harm, but I just told them they need help and if they do it, it’s not my fault, and I didn’t let them manipulate me. Would he really walk in front of a bus? Most likely, no. If he did, then he was really sick. If he’d hurt himself that badly, what might he do to you? You are dealing with very scary stuff.

I’d keep someone around me at all times for the next few months and continue to not engage with him. If he was arrested, he is capable of being dangerous.

If you have a pattern of getting involved with this level of drama, I’d also see a therapist to find out more about yourself.

I’ve been diagnosed with borderline traits and emotional dysregulation disorder. I don’t have any behavior to this kind of level. I’m confused about how much is within me and how much is caused by my relationships. But that’s another story.

Firstly, you never had romantic feelings for him. So, it seems pretty logical to get rid of him. Making you his “baby making machine”?! Oh my! Very scary.

'Effin 'ell! I know you know how to take care of yourself, but... please be careful. He doesn't have reliable wheels, yes, but that doesn't bar him from hitch hiking. I don't know how his mental illness drives him, but he might go to lengths well beyond what most people in his position would consider. I don't know what your personal measures are, and it's really none of our business, but I hope you're making it a habit to pack some form of force multiplier.

I'm glad that you've made it as long as you have without communicating with him. You did what YOU could do in trying to get through to him and helping him, now stay strong!

That's a good approach for when your person threatened self harm. Before I knew that was part of his issue I had already established a pattern of running to help him.

I'm definitely going to take your advice. I have more than a few male friends willing to look after me and a few very tough women.

I can imagine that it would be difficult to separate what comes from within and what comes from the relationship dynamic.

Oh, the whole baby factory thing. Wow. I'm happy with my two cats right now and my career comes first. His views on the "relationship" that we would have was positively medieval. I kept telling him to find a girl that would meet his needs and wanted to just stay home, make babies and serve his every need. Again, I'm the worst possible choice for him.

When he gets desperate it was very scary. Unfortunately, fighting and violence seem to be the coping mechanism in the family. I did feel so sorry for him for as many fights as he has at home.

I did some tameshigiri today just for stress relief and for a little practice.



I have a nice katate gyakugesa cut (one handed upward cut) from the draw. The one I have to work on is the yoko ichimonji cut or lateral cut. It requires a lot of rotation from the waist.

He does know that I have a lot of friends and am very proficient, but I cannot let my guard down for a while.

Please learn that when someone is drowning in their mental illness issues like this, it's like trying to rescue someone from drowning, they can literally pull you under and drown you while thrashing around.

You are simply not qualified to handle this challenge. It's not a way to try and make up for how you were in your past either. You are not being mean by cutting him off either. It doesn't matter what he says either, he is a very mentally ill individual, he is clearly drowning and dangerous and extremely destructive.

That was good advice. I actually saw a counselor this past weekend. I'm going through a lot of other junk on top of this and have to admit that I need some help with it.

I know! I'm really having to fight my nurturing instinct on this. In 99% of all of my other social interactions, I go to help, it gets better, and then that person reciprocates at some point so my reaction is healthy and positive.

What you described is exactly what it feels like and what I told my counselor this past weekend. I even told his therapist the same thing and how I'm not qualified to help him through this. When I told him that, he said his usual, "You're the only one who can help me. You. It has to be you!"

I'm at 84 hours and holding. It's getting better. It has to be a thing, but I initially found a void in my life without the drama. I suspect this is what abused spouses go through.

I can well imagine. Similar for me for different reasons, but when you cut something out, it's hard to know what to do with yourself with that time you normally spend managing that thing.

I know, even bad things sometimes leave a void when they go away. 96 hours!

Thank heavens my voice mail is full. I just watched several dozen videos on email and text of him sobbing, laughing, ranting, giggling...and making out with the camera. I threw up a little in my mouth.

...when having the number one engine start thunking on taxi is the least dramatic part of my day...

It's like when I go into the office cesspool and say that the 35 knot crosswind landing in a storm is the safest part of my day.

96 hours! I'm kind of punchy so I'm going to make a song...96 hours of no response, 96 hours of nope.

If you have all this on your phone, I am wondering if it's enough to get a restraining order so he stops calling and sending you texts and creepy videos.

That might be! I will check into that. I was tempted to ask his family to try and stand him down, but as dysfunctional as they are, it could go either way. A few of his former friends in our former group have approached him to back off, but it just made him more adamant.

I am going to look into that.

ARaven0137,
I read your posts and it seems to me that this fellow has some narcissistic/sociopath behavior in addition to bipolar. I had a sociopath father and was involved with a lady who also turned out to be a sociopath and your friend's behavior definitely fits into that spectrum. For your safety, I would do whatever it takes to completely cut off any contact with him. He will probably cry, plead, and may threaten to harm himself but that will all be manipulation to draw you back into his craziness.
Luke

Thank you, Luke, and I am so sorry about your father. I can imagine that was very difficult.

I do see what you are saying. One the one hand, he was very shy and introverted, but on the other hand he was the most arrogant person I know and that includes fighter pilots, doctors and lawyers. He was completely unable to empathize with my position in that I was saying to him that it was of no benefit whatsoever that I have a relationship with him. It would require me to divorce at great expense and then take in a guy with no skills, no income, no money and no education with whom I have vast differences with in terms of looks and physical fitness. He thought he struck a goldmine in having someone care for him entirely, financially, emotionally and physically. I would have to be physically available to him whenever the mood struck him and, in return, he would play his guitar in my home all day. What a deal! And then, I would have to bear one child after another to impress his family. He told his family he had it made, scoring a trophy girlfriend and his family was more than happy to pawn him off on me. I heard through the grapevine that his brother was delighted to get such an unstable influence out of their home and onto some unsuspecting fool. His narcissism alienated my entire family with his tantrums and name calling.

It's been over 100 hours now since I last responded. I'm away from home, but I glance through his hundreds of texts and emails per day. My voicemail is full and has been for a while now. It goes from ranting to sobbing to giggling to sexually explicit photos and videos of himself, demanding that I use them for myself. When I get back home I'm going to explore that TRO.

You are absolutely right. I'm hoping that he just burns himself out like a supernova.

Alice

Do NOT ask his family to do anything. They are ALL dysfunctional and was hoping to get rid of him by you taking him off their hands. They clearly can't control him and no contact means not even with his family.

Definitely! I haven't spoken to them since shortly after he was arrested. His mom is probably the least dysfunctional of all, but even she drinks to excess. It was sad to watch and hear about the dysfunction, but it's not my mess to clean up. The family is five boys and the youngest two are disabled, one physically and one mentally. Both parents are alcoholic. Whenever L goes off, the dad and one of the older brothers beat him up and there's a cycle of throwing him out and taking him back. I do hear things through the grapevine of mutual friends and I'm happy to keep that distance. The mom's English isn't great and I don't think she has a clue what BPD is or even how to approach it.

Even away from home I got dozens of wacky videos. Just for my own mental exercise I'm trying to differentiate what behaviors are BPD and what might be cultural. The family definitely has a "woman's place is in the home to make babies and have no life beyond her man or opinions of her own" stance. Which again leads me to "pick a woman more suited to your tastes and beliefs" because I ain't that.

Oh dear heavens, I just watched a video that I can't unsee!

Oh lord, break out the eye bleach?

LOL, yes. I'm not even home and I got dozens, yes dozens of sexually explicit photos and videos of himself with exacting demands of how I take care of myself using those. I am definitely exploring that restraining order when I get home tonight or tomorrow. I'm being flippant now, but perhaps he could just buy one of those dolls. It's so surreal that I am definitely going through a flippant phase.

I'm also being ordered to cut off all of my male friends, limit my contact with my female friends to just talking on the phone on the weekends and cutting off my family entirely.

I think I'm over 120 hours of no response now. Hopefully I just have another day or two to rant before this is all done.

I just wanted to thank everyone here for helping me get through this.

I'm not convinced he has BPD, or just BPD (could definitely be multiple things) but he's definitely mentally ill and out of control. Please continue your streak of ignoring him (you are doing great) and look into a restraining order. Consider changing your number too. I am also worried for your safety.

Thank you! I appreciate the support. Yes, whatever he is dealing with could be any number of things. Just for my own mental satisfaction I was trying to break down what could be a mental issue and what could be a cultural issue. I'll have to be satisfied with probably never answering that question. Now that I'm home I'll get a new phone with a new number. I just hate the pain that goes along with that. I'll talk to a couple of my attorney friends about a restraining order. It's not within my emotional capability to become so obsessive over someone so I am definitely having difficulty coming to grips with this. I just can't imagine what about me is so obsessive. :P

Someone I once had to file a restraining order on, did leave me alone then.

This is a long story and embarrassing, but what I want you to know about it is; he told me many years later, that had I not filed the order, he never would have left me alone.

The police insisted I do it. Talk to them yourself. In light of the non stop harassing texts and sexual harassment, you have cause.

When I started going to psychologists, this relationship was a red flag for issues with ME. Why I even put myself in it in the first place.