My hopefully not too long winded encounter with BPD

Thank you for sharing that. Did that scare him enough to leave you alone or what went through his head from that? Was it normal when you saw him years later?

I saw a guy at the front desk last time and I made a call that seemed to get blown off, but I will go down again. *sigh* I was told annoying was not threatening.

I got 47 videos in the last 24 hours along with 511 texts. I did need that eye bleach for a few. I did not think that it was possible to be sobbing and aroused at the same time. I think I'm at six days of not responding.

Without the gym to work off the wackiness, I contented myself with a couple of hours of kendo and iaido. I did some kata practice like this to focus, keep my mind off that guy and prepare for an upcoming test.

The police went to his door with the order and told him to leave me alone or get thrown in jail. I didn’t hear from him again, and heard from a mutual friend that he had left town.

Twenty years later (thanks facebook ) he told me that I was right to have involved police.

He didn’t turn out okay. This is too hard a story to tell here. The ‘reunion’ didn’t end well, either and I had to call police again!

When you talk to the police again, tell them its extremely stressful for you and its harassment. Tell them his violent history. Tell them the amt of texts, videos, etc you get each day. Tell them you are scared. Use your body language and your voice to be assertive and express yourself. Try not to be passive with them or shrink back. Don't apologize or be apologetic. You have every right to be there. Have a friend or family member come with you if that might help you.

Also, if you get a new phone, save your old phone to show the police all the texts he sends you and videos too.

Wow, did that bring back his old behaviors?

To think that, even with the passage of 20 years, he would return to that.

Thank you! You practically scripted what I didn't do. I'm usually confident, but I was very apologetic on that attempt. "oh, sorry to bother you. I have this problem. It's not a huge deal, but I should probably say something."

I have a couple of friends who have helped see me through this who would be willing to join me. I deleted some of the worst stuff, but I still have hundreds of videos and thousands of texts. I have written a narrative of the timeline and the events that I will take with me.

A little aviation/COVID 19 humor to keep me distracted.

He was more MI than I realized. I fell for it not once, but twice...so that’s on me. I did not think he would hurt me, and I’m still not sure. He exhibited all the behaviors yours did, yet I see it as a love obsession and not someone who would physically hurt me...but I may be wrong.

He made several red flag comments, but I chose not to notice them. The relationship (20 years later) did not ever materialize. We never met in person, had only spoken, and he lived in another state. When I said it wouldn’t work, he went ballistic, like he did the first time twenty years earlier. He just wouldn’t let up with the stalking and name calling harassment. It was him being mad over the rejection.

I don’t know if yours will become physically dangerous, but you shouldn’t set yourself up to find out.

Like what yours said about you having his babies, mine said something similar that was throughly disturbing. These guys have the same kind of thinking and behavior. Be careful.

Thank you for sharing that. Wow, that does sound similar. When I look back, I could see some red flag comments too. I went the, "oh, haha, funny joke" route and just brushed it off. I did try to empathize with what mine was going through. I had a bad breakup after being engaged and I was the dumpee. That one was hard for me to get over, but we did have a long term relationship and even had a wedding date set. So, I could understand the pining for someone, but L and I were never an item and I've never obsessed over someone who didn't want me off the bat.

I'm starting to feel some normalcy return and I'm not feeling like a bug in a blender every day. The flood of sexually explicit selfies that he sends get more of an Ewwww factor than horror now. I can tell I'm a little hypervigilant when I go out. I did get paperwork on a restraining order and I would have to fill it out and set a date to see a judge. My best friend said I am stronger, faster, taller and have more stamina than L, but desperation does weird things to people so careful is the word of the day.

I'm glad you were able to extricate yourself from that guy a second time around.

You had not encouraged him romantically, but it escalated to the level it did. I hope he backs off and grows to understand you never had feelings for him, and he accepts it.

I did have a relationship, but then I decided it wasn’t working and broke it off.

I think a ‘normal’ person feels hurt when broke up with, but doesn’t angrily stalk and harass, accepts it, and moves on. I know I handled it that way when I got dumped. I cried, accepted it, felt hurt and angry, and left them alone. This emotional violence is scary.

I was worried he would come after me physically. Luckily, no man ever has physically hurt me (except one smacked me across the face once, another story where I acted stupidly).

Ignoring the red flags was important for you to reflect upon. Why did you choose to not notice them? Why did I think his saying things that showed he was delusional were okay? I told myself it would be okay? Why?

After psychotherapy, it has been bantered around that it is I who has a personality disorder. It is because of relationship dynamics like I’m talking about here that got me the diagnosis. I’ll admit, there was something lacking in me as to why I picked up with people I knew would not be good for me. I married someone I thought seemed so good for me, but this struggle has been the worst. There’s something wrong with me when it comes to intimacy. Therapy never helped. I’m more confused and dysfunctional now than ever.

Even this guy we speak about, he occasionally friend requests me on facebook after I blocked him ten years ago. I just let it haunt me.

I fear that it will be a long time before he accepts it. The tantrums, sobbing and selfie porn videos have not slackened off, but I do feel better not responding.

I think I went through the normal stages of grief when I had that breakup and it sounds like you did too. It seems like ours don't have that mental program where reality comes into play. I've seen a big lack of empathy with mine and not being able to see things from my perspective. All there is, is his sexual needs and the need to show his family up by having a girlfriend he can show off.

Oh boy, I'm sorry to hear about the violent incident. No one deserves that, not matter how they act. I had something just like that a few years ago where I was accused of not being a good housekeeper.

I have been playing a lot of what I ignored back through my head. When we first started hanging out in our group he was very standoffish. Then, it was stories about how he doesn't trust anyone, especially women. I just listened patiently and encouraged him to make female friends. I could tell that he began relying on my patience and advice more and more. About five months in he said he was starting to trust me and I said, good, you should meet some nice girls. He told me that his only sexual experience with a woman was at 15 and he was forced. It was about the same time that he began driving all of our mutual friends away. That was a red flag. Then, it was that he only trusted me and then the calls to come over because he had a battle with his family and he was thinking of hurting himself or drinking. Then, the increasing demands for my time and attention. By this time I was realizing that I dug a pit for myself and it was going to be hard to extricate. All the time I was just hoping that I was helping a friend.

I do know now that my big failing in this was in trying to out logic him once I realized the pit I was in. At one point, when he was demanding a relationship I told him what it would cost him to be in a relationship with me in terms of expenses and basically how to be an adult. There is no way he could afford an adult relationship since he is broke and unemployed so I figured he would realize that and move on. I even began to act snobby towards him, flaunting money and material things so he would think I was a b and move on. Once, when we went to coffee after some of his outbursts I ordered and I never asked if he wanted anything and I made him watch as I ate and drank and I knew he was hungry. I kept hoping he'd just say, Alice, you're a b and I'm out of here! I'm pretty sure since I even discussed a relationship, he saw it as an in.

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through in your relationships. I think I can understand some of what you're going through. Why did psychotherapy put the label on you? I have no problem with physical intimacy, but emotionally I'm very shallow. Between my upbringing and a couple of life altering events I find it difficult to feel, understand and to express deep emotions. My husband frequently calls me the android or the Vulcan.

Does this guy know you have a husband and he’s carrying on like this to make you his wife? How did he get so far gone in his own delusional fantasy? This sounds even more dangerous now. Your husband could be in danger.

As for me, it’s a long, confusing story. Basically, we have an intimacy issue in our marriage. It’s not just my problem. I have some issues but they combine with the issues of a few others to make toxic drama. I have anxiety and depression (stemming from the anxiety). Different doctors have given me different diagnoses or none at all.

Overall, I’m okay. Very fortunate tbh.

Oh, he does know. He frequently professed that it was a fantasy of his to "cuck" a white guy with a white girl. I confronted him on this and he kind of backtracked, saying that he was joking, but he would still bring it up from time to time. My husband is half Irish, half Japanese. The whole thing about race was really bizarre to me. He'd often refer to me as his "white devil" or his "white angel." One of the many truly odd things about this situation was his entrenched fantasy about cucking some guy, but his desperate fear of "being cucked" himself. He would lose it when I spoke with or especially worked out with other guys, accusing me of "cucking" him. He would use that word in almost every conversation.

Every one of our mutual friends told him to his face that he was delusional. This was after he drove them off and their telling him he was delusional just made him even more entrenched. He would go off on them, telling them that they didn't understand "our perfect love" and that they were jealous of what he and I had. It made him even more proud that he could flaunt a trophy girlfriend to them. It was absolutely stunning. These friends would then tell me that they tried to reason with him to no effect. His dad once told him that my family would treat him like a dog because he is poor and uneducated, but he went off on his dad with the same line. It is true about how my family would treat him, but mostly because of his behavior. On one of his tirades he left me a voicemail, calling me a fkg *****, which I played for my dad. Needless to say, he is no longer welcome around my parents.

I think you're right about my husband. The two of them got into it once shortly before L got arrested. He was at our place, gaming, and he started professing his undying, perfect love for me and tried to kiss me. That was a wtf moment and I backed away. He lost it, shouting that I was not to ignore him so my husband came in and the two went at it. L just began insulting my husband and so we ordered him out and he's never been back.

If I might ask, is it about closeness in the relationship? I'm so sorry about the drama. I can certainly empathize as my world has been drama for months now.

Thank you and blessings to you.

No, we’re very close. The relationship is great as partners, as friends, even as lovers when we get it right. It’s the initiation of intimacy. It’s incompatibility, but we don’t give up, so we are working through it. It’s been a struggle for a long time. I am not sure how much is the component of anxiety disorders within the both of us. But, it’s been me seeking out answers from doctors and education, looking at myself with a critical eye, even taking a lot of meds now. I’m not sure how much of it is really my problem and how much is really his. It’s very confusing. I’m not sure I have any illness at all or if I do and that’s the problem.

I do have a history of similar romantic relationships that were great, then usually it was me that ended it for the same reasons. However, I was 26 when I met my husband and that was it for physical experiences with others. One of the traits of BPD is difficult relationships. Well, I’ve had some that are and others that are not difficult at all and have lasted nicely forever...so, the problem is not with me across the board.

This sounds like something out of a Lifetime movie. I'm dealing with a similar situation except he is more of a narcissist, curious to know if you were able to get rid of him in a safe manner, meaning does he still harass you by making you feel like it is you who makes him do the things he does, because obviously it not.

You know, you're right! It was one of those, too bizarre to be fiction experiences. I kept telling myself, no way. This can't be real...he's kidding me.

Sorry you're going through that. Is it stalkerish too? I think mine had a lot of narcissism too. I told him and his therapist that he is the most arrogant person I know and that includes fighter pilots, doctors and lawyers. I told him once that he had to have something to be arrogant about. When I was starting to bite back after his tirades, I told him that an average looking guy with no job, no money, no education, living in his parents basement shouldn't be this arrogant. I think it's been two weeks since I interacted with him. I'm still getting the tsunami of calls, texts, emails and videos from him. My voice mail has been full for weeks now. It's still the ferris wheel of lovey dovey sweet murmurs, screaming rantfests, sobbing blubbering and back to endless love in a couple of hours. Sprinkle in liberal doses of selfie porn and him begging for sex and the picture is complete.

I was pursuing a TRO, but courts are mostly closed and only heard "big" cases.

Oh yeah, it's still all my fault. He does apologize, but it's always with the caveat that I made him do it. If you would only reply, I wouldn't have X. If you only kissed me, I wouldn't have Y. If you only gave me the sex I deserve, I wouldn't have Z.

I did have a great session with my counselor last weekend, which gave me insight into how I get into these situations. My marriage is a mess right now and it's a roller coaster and always has been. I tend to get very flirty with others when the relationship reaches low points. It seems to be my way to still feel wanted and also to get back at my husband for the way I feel he treats me. Flirty banter is also prevalent at work and I do indulge. I see it as innocent, but L took it to heart. I'm also quite open about my sexuality and I can see now how L picked up on that as an opening. In spite of my limited emotional range I am very nurturing and L is about the most needy person I have ever known. For months I almost always came running when he was hurting.

When he became stalkerish I went from nurturing to rather sarcastic and passive-aggressive. With his family history of abuse he saw my increasingly mean behavior as love, fitting what he understood family to be. I was dumbfounded by this as everyone else would have had it with me and ran for the hills. I have a unique skill of frustrating overly aggressive people to the point where they want nothing to do with me.

Well, this has been a hard education for me on personality. If it does become a lifetime movie, I'll have to get Mia Kirschner to play me. I'm told we could be twins.

Hang in there. You've got the strength to persevere.

Can you block him on your phone?

Oh, I did three times now and blocked his email too, but within a day I get something new from him from a different number or email. Even on XBox, he has multiple accounts from which to text me.

I just put everything from him on mute so I don't get an alert and I just read it and wince later. I'm hoping his fire of love just burns itself out at some point. Our mutual friends are keeping a distant eye on him to make sure he doesn't try to head my way. I did hear through the grapevine that he stormed out on his bicycle and some dog chased him and he crashed and broke the wheel rim so at least I know he can't bike over.

Why after you blocked him and put him on mute did you go back and read his messages? (Yes I did just read this entire thread.)

I have to admit both to finding some entertainment value and that I do still care about his well being in spite of everything. I guess I have to chock it up to some Stockholm Syndrome where I end up caring about the hostage taker.

Other than that, I'm still incognito with him but he did approach a friend of mine with the intent on having her intervene on his behalf. She was never sympathetic towards him to begin with so that didn't go well.

Are there any concerns about violent or threatening behavior towards your friends who don't assist him? Or is he fixated on you?

He is definitely fixated on me. Early on, we tried to set him up with a single girl (which would have been a disaster and thank God it didn't go anywhere) who would likely have been a better match personality wise. He wouldn't even meet her, saying that he was extremely picky. Which was strange since she just wanted to settle down and was a very passive person, which he frequently said that he wanted that in a woman. I could not and still cannot grasp the fixation since I am everything that he does not want.

And it was weird that he approached that friend of mine since she has made it clear that he is not wanted in our circle and that she despises him. It's like this, "I want what I can't have and is not right for me, but I don't want what I should have and would be good for me."

I perused the 341 messages that were sent since Wednesday, complete with begging, sobbing, giggling and selfie porn. It's like a comical train wreck. I can't look away.

Has it abated at all or is 340 some messages par for the course of four days?

That's a little slower than usual. A couple hundred a day was normal. It is like the "peeking between my fingers cringe." For a guy with no formal education beyond 10th grade he is smart and he's found a ton of workarounds to my blocking. Fortunately it seems like texting is all he does. I've been able to 'silent' his phone calls and send them straight to my full voicemail so that they don't disturb me. From a clinical perspective, the emotional dysregulation is fascinating. I have never seen anything like it. I think I mentioned that I did not know it was possible to be sobbing and sexually aroused at the same time. But, I have video proof of that. :P

Not responding has become a source of serenity for me. I'm use to it now and comfortable with it. I am in kind of a zen spot for the moment. I went to the range on Wednesday and threw 500 rounds of 5.56 and 100 rounds of 9x19 downrange for training and today was all kendo/iaido for super focus. I feel good and I thank everyone for the support and advice.