[ciefish]

hi group, just came back from a support group meeting for bipolar. Cried my eyes out. Hadn't been to group in over 3months had a major depression after Christmas. My sig other moved back in, ironic I was doing better when she wasn't here. I don't think the stress/timing of her moving back around the holidays was a good call. Nice group tonight, felt like it was the right thing, get honest, show up to a group, be in a safe place. Home sometimes does not feel safe. I hide in the office or master bedroom trying to limit conversation with my sig other, I'm just so so tired of the drama, the fighting, the hey I need to talk! at 2am for 2hrs. I suspect a diagnosis for bpd soon from my psychiatrist (pdoc?), I've seen bpd coping books all over the house, but haven't been told directly. Sweating it out until mid April for my next appt. Spent the last 2 days googling, surfing going to coffee shop bookstores to read up on bpd. My sig other has bipolar too, she's also in a rut. I also suspect instead of just threatening to break up, my sig other is leaving this time. I'm OK with it, I mean it's sad but we just seem to pull out more negative then positive as a couple. I'm tired of the fighting, the he said she said. I'm also not working and staring bankrupcy in the face I have a real fear about that. I don't consider myself a material person, I just want a win-win for my family. My meds are a bit strong but they are slightly curbing my reactiveness. I'm mean strong as in woozy, mellow, slow, lethargic. I haven't kept a med diary and I've tried several meds over the last year and a half so I actually forgot I had taken this med before and it just zonkers me. I was at a double dose I just wanted to sleep all the time couldn't function, felt different then the depression. At least recently my pdoc ok'd cutting my dose in half. I'm taking this pretty hard I read bpd can have some stigma associated with it and has some controversy, isn't covered by some insurance carriers due to it's (class 2?) designation. The dbt therapy sounds very positive, the first example I read of it had actually happened to me (use dbt skills to cope/deal with a neighbor(s) parking in your spot). I was just getting comfortable and coping with my bipolar diagnosis I had back around August now I'm getting a whole new set of things to cope with. Am I in denial? dbt? The shoe kind of fits, I do identify with some DSM-IV indicators. Well I did go to the pdoc for a 2nd opinion for diagnosis. Just trying to cope with things here. Hope this wasn't to run on, nite all.

[ciefish]

thx paddym22 for your reply. It's nice to meet someone with similar issues going on. Today I'm just on the MacBook at a coffee shop, scared to go home again. I'm not getting along with my sig other very well. Not trying to ignore her, just afraid of conflict. I'm focusing on me, I can be responsible for me. Honestly I'm just pretty bummed right now. Look forward to posting with you and others here. Good day.

[mlpHolmes]

Hi Ciefish!

It sounds like your life is really in a difficult phase right now. I too am bipolar, and Dx w/ BPD. I'm working on it & it's a lot for me to handle, plus you're handling a demanding relationship? Whew! Not easy on you. The DBT skills have helped me tremendously. I hope to meet you in chats or you can PM anytime. Welcome to PC.

All the Best,
Holmes

[Michah]

Hi sweetie, yep, really big stuff for you right now.......and don't you love it how it all happens at the same time?

Relationships are hard.......but you will find someone who will LOVE you for all your eccentricities.......it took me 10 years and my man now encourages my love and affection for my furry, imaginary canine friend(werewolf, long story, kind of a borderline rage, schizoeffective thing) He embraces ALL of the things that go along with Bipolar dx 2007. Doesn't mean he doesn't get scared or confused but i just have to keep the lines of communication open, take my meds and see my shrinks. He has had to also overcome a lot of preconceived misconceptions about mental illness in general.

The clincher for me is that he bought me this poster size picture of this beautiful werewolf to "keep me company". That was his way of saying "I respect and acknowledge your relationship with this entity" Even if it seems a little nutty. I love it!! My werewolf and i are friends now and acknowledge that it is part of me.

As for the stigma, I have to say Borderline has come a bit of a way since I was dx. I was dx 15 years ago and no-one had really heard of it. There was no such thing as DBT. Therapists did not want to treat BPD patients due the the propensity of violence and i was one of those on a large scale. God was smiling on me that day and i had the best T for 7 years. Man, did she put up with alot and most of our sessions were guarded with a lovely 7 foot nurse with big boots!!

Anyway, you are in a huge transition period........most people go through them in their lifetimes its just that out transitions have a different "patina". So much harder to cope with. You can do it and i hope that things with your partner seek a resolution either way. Good luck......we are here....

In stillness.........

[ciefish]

Thx paddym22, no worries here, I'm with you too. Nice to meet someone and have somewhere to discuss these issues. I've been lurking and reading a lot on PC. Will run into you sometime. Hope your day is wonderful. L8r