Never going to again. Until I do.

The whole cycle and act of purging is so wretched. I tell myself nope, that's it. No more. And 10 minutes later the cycle repeats itself. Straighten myself up. Over. Repeat.

And the crazy part? I'll forget about this feeling of wretchedness. I'll think that maybe I'm alright and it's not such a big deal. I'll carry on with my day and forget that I was curled up on my bathroom floor just an hour earlier. I forget that I've been doing this for over 20 years.

My throat burns. My mouth burns. My knuckles are calloused. My skin is dry. My eyes are puffy. There is blood in my vomit and my teeth hurt. But I clean up well. As long as the scale cooperates, I won't have to do that again.

Sorry, just venting

you are completely allowed to vent. I understand.

I hate this cycle....I don't think it will ever leave me. Why cant I let it go?

Precious,
I'm only speaking about my experiences. I hope it's helpful, but if it's not, please just disregard.

I kept my ED around for more than 30 years because it was doing something for me. My life was hard - sadly much like many people's was - full of all kinds of horrors and abuse. I was too broken, beaten down and ashamed of who I was to think that I deserved any happiness or peace. I was too afraid to speak or feel. I bottled everything up and locked it behind a dissociative wall. I was totally numb. And my only outlet was to eat. I stuffed myself silly dozens of times a day, purging each time b/c I didn't deserve to eat.

The b/p routine kept me isolated (and in my mind, safe). It kept me busy, so I didn't have time to think. It gave me a (false) sense of control. It kept me numb, so I didn't have to come to terms with my life - the past, present or future. It was an excuse if I failed at something. It made me feel superior (I can stay thin and eat whatever I want).

It did all that. And it almost killed me several times.

The only way I've emerged from the viscious b/p cycle is to use my mouth for something else: speaking.

My ED was still very active when I started therapy just over 2 years ago (for the 3rd time). And I didn't know my T, so I had to learn to trust her. But eventually, it was safe for me to begin to process some of the things I can remember. I used EMDR and somatic experience therapy, plus medication to break down some of the walls.

I went to a partial hospitalization program for EDs and followed it up with months of intensive outpatient. It was hard, it was expensive, but I knew I finally wanted to get well and live in peace.

Last year, I had more than 350 days without b/p. This year I've been completely b/p free. I don't think I ever will again. Why? Because I matter. I have a voice. I count. I am a precious child of God and hurting myself hurts my Father.

I pray mightily that you find the will and inspiration to chase your own dreams. To live your own life, free of this horrible cycle. There is so much more to life than a box of donuts, a few gallons of ice cream and a twinkie. I promise!
Bub

I am sobbing reading this. I can't tell you how badly I need to believe it can get better, and what you wrote is so powerful and healing. I don't think I can even write more...but I am deeply moved by what you wrote.

All -
It is so important that you know you CAN recover. My heart aches for you right now because I've been where you are. Just putting one foot in front of the other and gritting your teeth, hanging on by grim determination only. Never expecting it to get any better. Assuming, in fact, that things will just slowly get much worse.

You've tried so hard already. You've done inpatient and outpatient. You have a therapist. You're want to succeed, but at the same time, don't REALLY think you can. I'm here to say, YES YOU CAN.

I was inpatient (twice) long enough ago to remember when insurance paid for it. And it lasted as long as you needed it (ahhh, the good old days) and I still didn't give up my ED. I got incrementally better, but in the back of my mind, I knew that I couldn't face life without my comforter and protector, ED. It was part of my identity. I was ED and it was me. Without it, I'd be nothing. That's too hard to face, so I didn't.

Instead of heading rapidly to the grave, I did a slow dance with death. I was never fully alive either. That numbness I felt; living death that slowly eats away at a person's psyche. I watched others succumb to their disease. Even knowing that literal death was a legitimate possibility, I just couldn't break free.

So, what did help?

In my case, it was getting introduced to a real Lord and Savior. Now I don't want to get preachy on you. Learning about Jesus worked for me, but that doesn't mean that Jews, Atheists or Muslims will never recovery. After all, 12 step programs work for others. For me, the trick was coming to believe in something outside myself that I could truly believe loved, honored, cherished, adored and longed for a relationship with me. Not ED! Just me.

By keeping one foot in ED's presence, I was denying God my full devotion. Let's face it, husbands and boyfriends come and go. It's a rare friend indeed who loves us unconditionally, even assuming that you have friends, since ED is such a damn isolationist. Parents might even mean well, though sadly sometimes they don't, and still manage to say the wrong thing each and every time. It seems like the world is full of sharp corners, pointy things and potholes - nothing is really safe. And if nothing is safe, why give up the one thing that works to some degree: ED.

But it's your perception that's wrong. Sure, the world really is full of crap, and ED can sometimes blunt the pain, but because I know that God loves me (best of all! ) there is joy, wonder, happiness, fullness and life in every small moment. When I turn on my lamp and light comes out - there's gratitude. When I come to PC and am inspired, there's gratitude. When I let my soul peak out and I (almost) have a genuine feeling, there's gratitude. Just having these glimpses of wholeness make me turn my back on ED finally. And ... just like that ... I am free.

Love and hugs to you all.
Bub

Bub- you sound like an amazingly strong woman. thank you for sharing and inspiring.

This cycle is currently ruling/ruining my life also Just today I said it wouldn't happen again, after my throat was so sore and cut from yesterday. But it just keeps happening. It's worse than a drug addiction I swear...

I'm not sure what category I fall into, definitely more of a b/p for the past month. I can't even go a day without. I'm not much help but I feel your pain. I hate it so much. Also kudos to those that beat this. I hope I can or I just fear it'll be the end of me.