I don't know if i'm over reacting or not (it seems a really small issue to most people, I guess), but i'm 30 and i've never been on the swings.

i've never even been to a park to feed ducks.

this all seemed to hit home yesterday for some unknown reason.

I really want to go on the swings and I want to feed the ducks

like really badly

ah childhood neglect... I hate it

[boogiesmash]

Go for it now! This also sounds a cool date idea.

I've never been to the circus.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

I don't know if i'm over reacting or not (it seems a really small issue to most people, I guess), but i'm 30 and i've never been on the swings.

i've never even been to a park to feed ducks.

this all seemed to hit home yesterday for some unknown reason.

I really want to go on the swings and I want to feed the ducks

like really badly

ah childhood neglect... I hate it

So what's stopping you? I think the little ones would love it. Maybe take a picnic a good book to read on a blanket. Sounds nice.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

I don't know if i'm over reacting or not (it seems a really small issue to most people, I guess), but i'm 30 and i've never been on the swings.

i've never even been to a park to feed ducks.

this all seemed to hit home yesterday for some unknown reason.

I really want to go on the swings and I want to feed the ducks

like really badly

ah childhood neglect... I hate it

I'm sorry

I usually go alone lately in the park to get on the swings and it's very therapeutic

thanks for the responses all.

I apologize for posting this thread, their are people here with actual concerns and i'm posting a message about never having been on the swings?. i'm unreal

actually the idea when I went to post this was to post a thread about how my childhood just got stolen from me.

but this is what came out.

[Open Eyes]

When it comes to recognizing whatever you did not get as a child try to do your best not to decide that it was on purpose to deprive you. Unfortunately, people decide to have children knowing very little about child development and tend to think their job is to control the child rather than help that child develop their "own" identity. At the same time a lot of parents are still thinking about developing their own identity and how to make it all work where they maintain a home a, relationship and find a place in society.

You are in the same generation my daughter is in and one thing I have noticed about her generation is that the parents in my generation were very self involved and preoccupied. Many of them had their punch list of attaining something they did not have when they were growing up. I saw many of my piers going big and bold and making that a priority and not spending enough time with their children. Many of these parents did not realize that in that effort to go big and bold, they were missing out on important years with their children that they could never go back and redo. Many of my piers were living life in the fast lane, and unfortunately they did miss a lot when it came to their children.

If you never experienced swinging in a swing or going to the park or the beach with your mother where there were swings and you spent time enjoying the swings then do it for yourself, because that is what many do, they find ways to do the things they never got to do as a child.

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

I don't know if i'm over reacting or not (it seems a really small issue to most people, I guess), but i'm 30 and i've never been on the swings.

i've never even been to a park to feed ducks.

this all seemed to hit home yesterday for some unknown reason.

I really want to go on the swings and I want to feed the ducks

like really badly

ah childhood neglect... I hate it

Get yourself to the park ASAP. It doesn't matter if you are 30 or 300 yrs old, your inner child wants the swings & to feed the ducks. Indulge her!!! Sometimes I go to the toy shop & my adult says to my little inner child...'you have £2.00 & no more, spend it on what ever you want. I just look at it as looking after the needs of my inner child. I too didn't have a proper childhood, so every now & again, I will do what the inner child wants to do. It's uplifting. Try it please. xXx

Originally Posted by JoBo

Get yourself to the park ASAP. It doesn't matter if you are 30 or 300 yrs old, your inner child wants the swings & to feed the ducks. Indulge her!!! Sometimes I go to the toy shop & my adult says to my little inner child...'you have £2.00 & no more, spend it on what ever you want. I just look at it as looking after the needs of my inner child. I too didn't have a proper childhood, so every now & again, I will do what the inner child wants to do. It's uplifting. Try it please. xXx

thanks for your post.

it is actually very inspirational, with good advice

[RubyRae]

I missed out on so much in my childhood too,shattered sanity.I didn't get to experience all the normal,usual things most kids get to,I lived an adult life even as a young girl,spent my time with adults in bars and other adult places and participating in activities no child should ever witness let alone participate in.

Something I worked on in therapy was re-parenting myself and it wasn't just things like practicing self care and basic care like going to the dr when I am hurt,showing myself compassion or eating 3 times per day,it also included doing all the fun things too like going to the zoo or the park and allowing myself to have fun.

It's very healing,so I say do whatever it is you missed out on.

Originally Posted by RubyRae

I missed out on so much in my childhood too,shattered sanity.I didn't get to experience all the normal,usual things most kids get to,I lived an adult life even as a young girl,spent my time with adults in bars and other adult places and participating in activities no child should ever witness let alone participate in.

Something I worked on in therapy was re-parenting myself and it wasn't just things like practicing self care and basic care like going to the dr when I am hurt,showing myself compassion or eating 3 times per day,it also included doing all the fun things too like going to the zoo or the park and allowing myself to have fun.

It's very healing,so I say do whatever it is you missed out on.

I heard about this reparenting thing, and actually ended up getting really annoyed by it

therapist: so what do you think a good mommy does?
me: lists all the things I think a good mommy should do

her: so do you think you can be your own parent?

me: well, not really. I mean how can you do that. how can you be your own parent

her: so how do you feel when you do something for yourself?

Possible trigger:

me: like the worst person in the world, like I want to die

her: I think that's sad, why do you think you feel that way?

me: probably because it's what i've been shown all my life, and i'm just fed up of living

the next 2 weeks were focused on self parenting, and I just ended up screaming

I mean how can you be your own parent

you can't

I'm sorry.

i just don't see how you can be your own mommy

for example: mommies read to their children

mommies tell their children they are loved

mommies hug their children and kiss them

how do you do all that stuff?

[Open Eyes]

You "can" learn to develop a part of yourself that is "self caring and self soothing".

I know this can be a challenge because a part of us that went with unmet needs can think it's our fault in some way. One has to slowly "learn" that is not true and understand that a parent can fail us because that parent really doesn't "know" how to parent and the importance of nurturing in child development.

Do you know that some of the "worst" parents are psychologists/psychiatrists and teachers?

[RubyRae]

It doesn't mean to literally be your own parent,shattered sanity,it means to treat yourself how you wish you had been treated,how you should have been treated.

And yes,you can read to yourself,hug yourself,love yourself,etc.

I have a loving kindness guided meditation that I listen to that really helped with loving and being kind to myself.In the beginning it would make me sob so much I couldn't listen to it,I think maybe it brought up old feelings of being unloved,unwanted,etc.but I kept at it and was finally able to finish and actually allow myself to have loving feelings towards myself.I use it now when I am feeling really down and negative about myself and the rest of the world.

Doing this meditation early mornings is a great way to start the day,it leaves me feeling positive and more loving towards everyone,including myself.

You can download it for free,along with other helpful meditations here:

Free Guided Meditations - UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center - Los Angeles, CA

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

I don't know if i'm over reacting or not (it seems a really small issue to most people, I guess), but i'm 30 and i've never been on the swings.

i've never even been to a park to feed ducks.

this all seemed to hit home yesterday for some unknown reason.

I really want to go on the swings and I want to feed the ducks

like really badly

ah childhood neglect... I hate it

Go ahead and do it ... No reason you can't.
❤

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

thanks for the responses all.

I apologize for posting this thread, their are people here with actual concerns and i'm posting a message about never having been on the swings?. i'm unreal

actually the idea when I went to post this was to post a thread about how my childhood just got stolen from me.

but this is what came out.

What hurts ... hurts. Never apologize for expressing it. There is no "this pain is bigger than that pain". Pain is pain. If it hurts - it needs to be fixed. *hugs*
❤

I understand what you are saying here. However, look at it in a slightly different way. Look at it as your adult self meeting the needs of your little inner person. Have you ever just bought ice cream because the label looked good? Or fancied a packet of haribo's or toffee's? Or got excited when you saw Top Cat on a poster? Is that the adult you? No, it's not, it's the inner child. So if the little inner person wants the ice cream with the bright pink label, then buy it. That's my personal take on the term 'reparenting'. The adult you wants to intellectualise this & you won't be able to do that. Last week I was struggling & decided to go & have a hot chocolate. When I ordered it, the little inner person took over & wanted, marshmallows, sprinkles, chocolate flakes & whipped cream! Then when I sat down with it, I had the strong urge to dip my finger in the middle of the cream! I am an adult, but I indulged my inner child. I hope this makes sense to you. It took me a very long time to get to grips with this 'inner child' malarkey!! xXx

Originally Posted by RubyRae

It doesn't mean to literally be your own parent,shattered sanity,it means to treat yourself how you wish you had been treated,how you should have been treated.

And yes,you can read to yourself,hug yourself,love yourself,etc.

I have a loving kindness guided meditation that I listen to that really helped with loving and being kind to myself.In the beginning it would make me sob so much I couldn't listen to it,I think maybe it brought up old feelings of being unloved,unwanted,etc.but I kept at it and was finally able to finish and actually allow myself to have loving feelings towards myself.I use it now when I am feeling really down and negative about myself and the rest of the world.

Doing this meditation early mornings is a great way to start the day,it leaves me feeling positive and more loving towards everyone,including myself.

You can download it for free,along with other helpful meditations here:

Free Guided Meditations - UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center - Los Angeles, CA

thank you for this post, ruby ray

maybe you're right. maybe you can be a parent to yourself.

Possible trigger:

1 of the things i'm struggling with is, the whole.. well, this is how I was treated for my whole life, maybe their's a reason for that. maybe their's a reason I was treated like crap. that reason being I deserved it, I was a bad person, and I should just live with it.

how do you turn it around and say, well, here's your chance to treat yourself how you have wanted to be treated, but you can't because you have it in your head you're bad and terrible.

do you know what I mean

Originally Posted by JoBo

I understand what you are saying here. However, look at it in a slightly different way. Look at it as your adult self meeting the needs of your little inner person. Have you ever just bought ice cream because the label looked good? Or fancied a packet of haribo's or toffee's? Or got excited when you saw Top Cat on a poster? Is that the adult you? No, it's not, it's the inner child. So if the little inner person wants the ice cream with the bright pink label, then buy it. That's my personal take on the term 'reparenting'. The adult you wants to intellectualise this & you won't be able to do that. Last week I was struggling & decided to go & have a hot chocolate. When I ordered it, the little inner person took over & wanted, marshmallows, sprinkles, chocolate flakes & whipped cream! Then when I sat down with it, I had the strong urge to dip my finger in the middle of the cream! I am an adult, but I indulged my inner child. I hope this makes sense to you. It took me a very long time to get to grips with this 'inner child' malarkey!! xXx

oh yes. I know

last friday I saw foxy the labrador dog

and I got all excited... it's a doggy! (using the word doggy, and not dog,)

[/trigger]

how do you turn it around and say, well, here's your chance to treat yourself how you have wanted to be treated, but you can't because you have it in your head you're bad and terrible.

do you know what I mean[/QUOTE]

I know exactly what you mean. All I can say from my own experience is; I've been in therapy for 4 years & have had EMDR 2 years ago & about to have more. I have only very recently started to feel that 'some' of me is actually not totally disgusting, dirty & unlovable & actually, when I acknowledge my little inner person, that's usually the times I'm more positive. I know it takes time, but I'm further along my journey to recovery, but doubt if ever I will love 'all' of me!

Originally Posted by JoBo

[/trigger]

how do you turn it around and say, well, here's your chance to treat yourself how you have wanted to be treated, but you can't because you have it in your head you're bad and terrible.

do you know what I mean

I know exactly what you mean. All I can say from my own experience is; I've been in therapy for 4 years & have had EMDR 2 years ago & about to have more. I have only very recently started to feel that 'some' of me is actually not totally disgusting, dirty & unlovable & actually, when I acknowledge my little inner person, that's usually the times I'm more positive. I know it takes time, but I'm further along my journey to recovery, but doubt if ever I will love 'all' of me! [/QUOTE]


good luck with that

I think their's another 1 of my problems

because of constant family medalling, therapy has sort of failed me (having 9 therapists in 15 years takes it's toll)

now i don't know them though, and we never comunicate, things will hopefully bee better

my current one victoria (well I just call her vicky), isn't bad

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Do you know that some of the "worst" parents are psychologists/psychiatrists and teachers?

Why do you think this is?
I would have wanted my parents to be psychologists or doctors or teachers,at least they would have had some knowledge about emotions and how to treat people not only the defective upbringing they'd had in that field.
At least then I wouldn't have felt like a total alien, and feeling guilty because hey, it's not my parents' fault they thought shaming a child a lot is good, because they'd never been taught.They just did their best. So I can't blame them.
But if you are a psyhologist then you've learned what emotions are, what validation is, so it's your fault if you were shaming your child or similar.

Also maybe those parents you've mentioned would not get a medal for parenting or could be very selfish but at least they would talk about emotions wth the child. Because it would be natural to them. So the child would learn that.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

I'm sorry.

i just don't see how you can be your own mommy

for example: mommies read to their children

mommies tell their children they are loved

mommies hug their children and kiss them

how do you do all that stuff?

I think some of these cannot be replaced. I've been thinking about this a lot. Maybe we should allow ourselves to accept and grieve what we haven't got as children.
Some self-parenting like self-soothing can be done though. Like talking to myself in a loving way, react how I wanted my parents to react.
That works when you love yourself...when you can be compassionate towards yourself. When you believe you are bad you can't really do this. So that is something that could be worked on. To believe you deserve the self-caring. Because you do.

[Open Eyes]

I have met/come across teachers and psychologists/psychiatrists that are more of a "know it all" than actually good at understanding emotional childhood development. The last two therapists I have worked with "both" admitted that yes often these individuals are horrible parents. They are also not good therapists either even though they have the letters that mean they have a degree and should know better.

Originally Posted by subtle lights

I think some of these cannot be replaced. I've been thinking about this a lot. Maybe we should allow ourselves to accept and grieve what we haven't got as children.
Some self-parenting like self-soothing can be done though. Like talking to myself in a loving way, react how I wanted my parents to react.
That works when you love yourself...when you can be compassionate towards yourself. When you believe you are bad you can't really do this. So that is something that could be worked on. To believe you deserve the self-caring. Because you do.

so where do I start?

Possible trigger:

I believe i'm bad and should die.

so it's really not a good beginning

[bakersmt]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

I'm sorry.

i just don't see how you can be your own mommy

for example: mommies read to their children

mommies tell their children they are loved

mommies hug their children and kiss them

how do you do all that stuff?

I think that it means that you need to do the things that make you feel better. I have an issue of speaking to myself negatively because my mother always did (you know that voice in your head?) I have begun to stop myself whenever I do it because it is better for me to speak to myself positively.
My therapist has also noted this issue within me. However, she did a much better job of explaining it. I always do things for others because I had to as a child. My mother wasn't mentally able to do it. So from a very young age I made dinner, took care of the house, my siblings, my friends, my mother, all of it. Now. I'm faced with a weird ability to relax when these things are not done and when my boyfriend does not help me do them. I have to force myself to deal with the uncomfortable feeling when there is a dish in the sink instead of the dishwasher (because mom's do the dishes). I have to force myself to accept that I am late and there is nothing that I can do about public transport (because moms make sure that you are at school and other places on time). I have to stop my constant self criticism and be inspirational (because moms build you up not tear you down). Yes I even hug myself when I need to, even just a mental hug.
It has worked wonders in my control freak mental state. It also has reduced my stress and built up my confidence. It is basically just breaking the old habits and correcting the damage with self love. We have been through what no children should go through and we are still kicking so we are strong enough to do this. It just takes time, practice and identifying your triggers which I'm sure we all know already.