[RubyRae]

I spent my entire childhood trying to feel loved by my Mother,trying to pull some attention and affection out of her.She always felt like she had a cold,concrete wall around her that I didn't know how to get past.I believed if I could find a way past it,if I could just somehow get on the other side of it I could find her,find that caring,loving Mother that I longed for.

I thought it was me,that I was unlovable,that I was defective,and if I could just figure out why and change whatever it was I could get past the wall around her and be loved.I put a lot of work and effort trying to figure out what it was.Maybe if I did better in school,nope,that wasn't it because even with straight A's and perfect attendance she didn't love me.Maybe if I cleaned the house,dressed myself,tied my own shoes,did everything on my own like an adult she would love me.Nope,she never noticed.Maybe if I took care of dad when he was so wasted,stayed in the bedroom with him,held a bucket for him to pee in because he wasn't able to get up to go to the bathroom she would love me.Nope,that just became my job,nothing special,nothing to be loved for.Maybe if I colored pictures for her,made cards telling her how much I loved her she would be so amazed by my artwork she would love me,but no,she never even acknowledged them.

I could go on and on about all the things I tried to get her to love me,to give me a hug or tell me she loved me.I wasn't expecting much,just one hug or one I love you would have been enough for me.But it never happened,not one single time.

I tried to get her to love me all through my adult life too,just in different ways that never worked.I even tried to hug her once and she pushed me away and said it was too awkward.Nothing has ever been good enough for her,I have never been good enough and it has hurt so deeply my entire life.

I realize though that she is just not the motherly type.We never had a connection,we never had a bond.It has nothing to do with me,it never had anything to do with me.She is not capable of loving,she never was and never will be capable of being a mother to me.Biologically,yes,but that is the only thing that ever made her my mother ,she was not in any other way.

I wish I had realized that years ago,wish I had saved myself a lifetime of trying so hard to get her to love me.I wasted my life with all the hurt and pain that went along with feeling defective.I accept the truth about the whole situation now,accept the truth about her,and I still hurt at times,still long for a mother,long to be loved by her,but I also know it will never be.

She is no longer in my life even though she lives pretty close to me.Sometimes I think about reconnecting with her but I don't want to put myself through that.I wish there was a way to have a relationship with her but I can't really have just a friendship with her,she's my mom,it's painful to love someone that doesn't feel love for you in return.

Guess I'm thinking about this with Mothers day coming up soon.Not even sure what kind of responses to expect,if any at all.

[RubyRae]

It makes me sad to think about how it could have been,how it should have been,so I just try to remind myself it was what it was,it is what it is.

No amount of wishful thinking will change what was and what is.

[here today]

I'm so sorry that you tried so hard to get her to love you and have been so disappointed. Me, too, in my way. For me, the fantasy that my mother did love me, in her way, and the disappointment that she could not is truly profound. My life has been a lie, one that I created to make life more bearable, but in the end a lie nevertheless.

[RubyRae]

I'm sorry that you also tried to get your mother to love you.I'm sorry your life has been a lie.

It still hurts me at times about my mother but I am doing so much better since accepting the truth about her.Something that helped me was a woman I knew that had a child but never really liked being around him and he mostly stayed with her mother,his grandmother. She got him on the weekends and would bring him to my house for visits and said things like " I only see him on the weekends and I still can't stand to be around him".I felt so bad for the kid,especially since she would say that around him.She eventually let her mother adopt him and when she was talking about it she said something like "not every woman is meant to be a mother".

As much as it bothered me to hear that,it really helped me.I do believe not every woman is meant to be a mother.I think maybe some just lack that maternal instinct.I'm not sure if it's just something lacking in them,whether it's due to their own past experiences,I'm not sure what it is.

I think with my own mother,she was so severely abused and never shown love in her childhood that she just didn't know how to love.Maybe that concrete wall she kept around her was her way of protecting herself.I don't know and I probably never will know.But what I do know is I made sure I told my kids I loved them every single day when they were growing up,and I hugged them every day too.They're young adults now and I still tell them I love them every time I see them or talk to them and I hug them every chance I get.They know I love them,they have never questioned it.It was always the most important thing to me,for them to know because I know how it feels to not be loved by your mother.

[here today]

So glad your kids know you love them and so glad for you, too. So sad that your mother is walled off in concrete. I used to feel like that was me, existing underground in a concrete bunker, but after much therapy I'm out in the real world most of the time and part of that is accepting reality. Sometimes reality is very harsh and sad, but fantasy and pretense don't really work very well, either, as I know from personal experience.

I hope you find some peace. (Me, too.)

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by here today

Sometimes reality is very harsh and sad, but fantasy and pretense don't really work very well, either, as I know from personal experience.

Yeah,the truth hurts but it's also supposed to set us free.

I hope you find some peace as well.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm sorry

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I'm sorry

Thank you!

[mctone]

But what I do know is I made sure I told my kids I loved them every single day when they were growing up,and I hugged them every day too.They're young adults now and I still tell them I love them every time I see them or talk to them and I hug them every chance I get.They know I love them,they have never questioned it.It was always the most important thing to me,for them to know because I know how it feels to not be loved by your mother.[/QUOTE]

RubyRae, I hope this is okay for me to say here (still new here, and learning the bountaries...) God allows things in our lives to shape us into the people He wants us to be. Perhaps your experiences were God's way of showing you how important it is to love your own kids. Sounds to me like you're a pretty awesome Mom! And remember this too, there are no such things as "perfect parents". Just look at the very first two - Adam and Eve - their son Cane killed his own brother! They weren't perfect parents, and neither are we, but we do our best. Sometimes we can bring the best of our parents into our own lives, and sometimes we have to make sure that the worst of our parents don't creep in!

Thanks for this post, and I hope this helps you

[Moment acceptance]

About a month ago I realized that I had and have only biological parents..... nothing more... They had sex, gave me life, I had a place to sleep and eat.... and nothing more..... And in a way it is still unthinkable for me that I wasn't loved....

So I really understand you how it hurts beneath....

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by mctone

RubyRae, I hope this is okay for me to say here (still new here, and learning the bountaries...) God allows things in our lives to shape us into the people He wants us to be. Perhaps your experiences were God's way of showing you how important it is to love your own kids. Sounds to me like you're a pretty awesome Mom! And remember this too, there are no such things as "perfect parents". Just look at the very first two - Adam and Eve - their son Cane killed his own brother! They weren't perfect parents, and neither are we, but we do our best. Sometimes we can bring the best of our parents into our own lives, and sometimes we have to make sure that the worst of our parents don't creep in

It's fine that you said that and I appreciate you taking the time to say it.

I'm not so sure that God allowed it just so I would know how important it is to love my own kids though.That just seems like an awful cruel way to teach somebody something.Wouldn't the opposite,having very loving,caring parents to teach by example have been a much kinder thing to do?

I'm not so sure I am a believer in "everything happens for a reason".That would mean that God purposely made me suffer.It would also mean that he purposely made my mother suffer as a child,purposely made her mother and everyone else in her childhood abusive,and made her grandmother abusive to her mother,and so on and so on.

That seems more like punishment rather than a loving God.I don't consider myself religious,I am more spiritual,and although I do believe in God I don't accept that a child suffering is part of his plan.

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by Moment acceptance

About a month ago I realized that I had and have only biological parents..... nothing more... They had sex, gave me life, I had a place to sleep and eat.... and nothing more..... And in a way it is still unthinkable for me that I wasn't loved....

So I really understand you how it hurts beneath....

I'm sorry that you understand the pain that goes along with it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My father never once hugged me or told me he loved me either.The first time I hugged him(well tried to hug him),I was about 30 years old and it was more of an obligatory one,there had been a death in his family and I felt it was expected of me so it was a quick 2 second,kind of hug,so foreign and awkward.

As a child though,it didn't bother me not being loved by him.I never tried to get him to love me like I did my mother.I believed that's how all fathers were.He wasn't loving or kind to anyone so I didn't expect him to be to me.I didn't want him to be anyway.Although I was raised by both him and my mother,grew up in the same house,I didn't really know him and didn't want to.I was too afraid of him and that fear never left,even in adulthood.

It wasn't until he died that I realized everything I missed out on and how it should have been.And when I went through old pictures I realized there's none at all of me and him together from childhood and only one with him as an adult,and in that picture it's obvious I didn't even want to stand by him.

Strange how it's so different with my mother,but I guess everyone wants a loving,caring mom.