Difficulty Leaving And Giving Up My "Connection" To My N Family

My family really isn't one. I've seen it time and time again. I'm not even seen as a valid being during arguments. I'm merely referred to in a mocking voice, and they simply walk all over me. Whenever they decide that it's time for "trouble", my narc parents will simply talk and shout over me, preventing me from responding. And whatever I say is twisted into how I'm "attacking" them. Consciously, I see that I am being abused and suffering the effects. Consciously, I want to cut off ties with them and go no contact. However, there is always something stopping me. This foolish illogical sense of not wanting to give up my "home", even though it's not one. Even though, I'm purely a victim. I keep having positive memories at times, even though they are of little to no relevance to the present as I'm seen as unworthy and less than according to my "family". However, this foolhardy, stupid side of me keeps reeling me back and causes me to fall for the obvious hoovering of my narc parents. Consciously, I know I'm being hoovered. And I keep my distance for the most part. But this irrational side of me is keeping the logical side of my from ending the relationship and cutting off contact. I fear that I will be unable to escape the abuse if I'm unable to deal with this irrational side of myself, but it's too difficult. I really don't know what to do, but these abusers are tearing me down all the time. I just can't seem to break free. Why? They are horrible, horrible people but I cannot let go. Why?

I guess.. because they are the only “family” you have and there is that minuscule chance (?) they might realise you’re “worthwhile” and treat you with decency.

I’m the only person in the “family” of origin who isn’t NPD or sociopathic and so of course I’m not “deserving” of love or respect..(in their minds) In fact I’m the “bad” person or at the very least “weak” (don’t they just love labels )

No need to answer: Are you considering going No Contact in the abstract, as simply an idea, or do you have or are formulating a concrete plan to go No Contact?

Like Fuzzy it hard to give up on family. It’s also hard to accept that if you do you’re kind of alone in the world. That’s scary. I don’t know what to tell you. I have very limited contact with my family by my choice. They are a mixed bag of untreated mental illness, alcoholism, and substance abuse. I finally had to completely block my phone from my extremely abusive daughter. It broke my heart, but I’m a lot happier without the constant barrage of accusations and verbal abuse.

So sorry you're in this spot; I think the reason you keep the ties
attached is an unconscious one, which was when you were very
young child,of course you craved to be loved which was not forthcoming--that craving is still in your subconscious,that child is STILL hoping it will be loved;and of course with Narcs that will never come. Try and talk to little you,YOU try and love her/him,you as child,doesn't KNOW its being irrational in present time . . .Jesus,mine were horrifying,and at one point (before I even heard of narcissism),I used to sing to excuse for m.,and visit them after I got married . . .they're dead now thank God,but you see my point? I had horrific physical abuse from them,and the child in me was STILL hoping for that love he craved inside my adult body at that time . . .the child inside does not disappear,they are STILL THERE . . .and oh dear God,you are NOT LESS THAN! Please start to work on your self-esteem,a psychologist/author helped me greatly,his name is
Nathaniel Branden,and 2 of his books I can recommend are:"The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem",and "Honoring The Self"; you may get them second-hand from Alibris,and so allow you to buy 2.
Meanwhile,start to talk to little you with love and caring.
Courage+Caring,
BLUEDOVE

When you find yourself in a verbal exchange, where you are not being respected and are being gaslighted, bullied, etc... I find it’s best to just stop talking and remove yourself. You are never going to win with these people, or even be taken seriously.

Are you young and still living at home? If so, you can move out when you can and have an adult life without so much contact with them.