cant take it any longer

pain is so unbearable tonite..... i thought i could just dismiss it today and try to focus on anything...plugging alone going for a walk keeping busy on the computer....but it's too immense now...and i'm taking way over the amount of pain killers than i want to be...so now i'm screwd io can't drink so i can't drink myself into a coma and i can't take any sleeping pills or ativan, cause i'm maxed out on my cns deppresants for the moment. sometimes i hate being so responsible with my meds and just take whatever and hope that i wake up in the morning. i'm ready to call my doctor and freak out! i just need to quit thinking these negative thoughts but everyonce in awhile the pain gets to me...the amount of time i have been in pain...how i don't complain about it to fam or friends anymore because they are tired of hearing it..and all i can do it write it down here and hopefully i don't know!
i feel like i am so busy helping everyone else and making them feel better (my profession) and there is nothing left for me, i can't feel better, i want what i give to my clients! but everyone is always too busy, i can understand i guess.
sorry if im going on i just want people to listen to me i don't need any comments i just want to write it down and feel like people are listening.

I'm listening (((((((((racee)))))))) I'm really sorry you're in so much pain

sorry guys...didn't mean to be so doom and gloom i think maybe sometimes it comes from not being heard from when i was little and needing now to be heard or validated...i'm sure i'm not the only one who feels this way.

a lot of times i'm mad at my pain but i'm even more upset that no one wants to listen (i didn't choose this) and i do the best i can, my mom was the only one that would listen to me.(even with all her shortcomings).....

That's what's so great about this place. There are always people here who will listen and offer support. I know it's not the same as real life support, but we are here for you

"i Don't think we can cure your back though" The last words my doctor uttered this morning after telling me to hang in there with my pain and meds.....how are you not supposed to cry. i'm sorry i just feel like i'm too young and this started when i was 17 and they tell me wheelchair is in my near future...and all this crap! if this is what's gonna happen i'm just gonna wear my body out and run and hike mountains and just go crazy

Hi Racee - feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I'm a great listener, and know the pain you're going thru -- from childhood to now. I've been there. Plus I'm a chronic painer and I too will end up in a wheelchair one day.

I've had severe chronic pain for the last 26 years, and I'm SOOO tired of it. Like you, at times I feel like I want to take the whole darn bottle of meds just so I won't hurt anymore --- but I'm too responsible to do that. Plus I'd hurt my family too much.

So give me a holler - we can talk for hours, I'd bet. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

I totally understand what you are saying. Often I too wish I would just not wake up, if only so the pain would go away.
Another desire I have, that many may think is bizarre, is I just want to scream or groan to express some of the pain & let it out. I do live close to my neighbors though, so I do try to refrain, unless I just can't help it. Do you think it helps to do this, or just make it worse?
When I have to be quiet, it seems that screaming would help. But when I am not actually in intense pain & feeling the urge, thus able to think about it; it seems that the screaming would just increase the anxiety, which would increase the pain.
What do you think?

I think the mecjanism for screaming (now this is my opinion only) it feels like i have this ball of intensity inside me and it's swirling around, and can't get out. and weather it's symbolic or not screaming yelling actually gets it out and pacifies me. (probably psycological, which everything is hunh) but i deal a lot in anger problems and yelling really pacifies me. i think to be heard or to hear yourself, just does something to the psyche and evens you out. go to the park and go wild no one cares how much noise you make there or into a pillow, but actually hearing it works. well for me anyways....everyone is different. can't hurt to try!