I don't even know

It's interesting how many people tell you they are there if you need to talk, but then as soon as you start to tell them what's going on, they follow that up with, "but I don't need to know".

It's like we're all programmed to say, "yes I want to hear what you have to say", but as soon as a person starts to say it you realize that you have no idea what to do with the information they might actually tell you, so you find a new way to cut them off from actually telling you anything...

Had that happen several times this week...

Also, I seem to have picked up something new, it's a tick... I rub my fingers together constantly when I'm under stress, which is most of the time...

My wife says it's been happening for several weeks, I only realized it recently...

I usually like new things, not so sure about this one... I'm avoiding as many people as I can at work now, I feel so ashamed of being this way, and people are starting to ask why I'm not flying... I just kind of stare at them, not sure what to say, some I tell, others I just deflect as best I can...

I think the medical is the way to go here. I wish you all the best in the world. I hear you about people not really wanting to listen. I was married to a vietnam vet and had alot of vets stay at our home all the time. they did talk to me and it made me feel good that they trusted me enough to talk to me. this is a safe place to talk hon. hang in there.

((((really))))
Yes that is so true, people are programed to show interest in others and yet they back off when they actually have to contribute something meaningful or important. That can be a typical response that just means that other person is just doing the social grace but is often way too self absorbed to give of themselves.

For a person with PTSD there are many of these messages that they become more aware of simply because PTSD is very troublesome and confusing and the one thing anyone that has it has, is a sense of exclusion from others. And it doesn't mean that you are in anyway bad or unsuitable, but what it does mean is that you are very sensitive and aware that you are dealing with something that is confusing and troubling. It is important for you to realize that your not really alone in all these issues that are beginning to present themselves, and I mean all of them, right down to the fingers. This is what other men go through and try very hard to hide and with all the conditioning of learning how to just deal and man up, these feelings reveal that you are really just human after all. And the reality is, no training can over ride that fact and that you do have a brain that can only just take so much.

And the desire to avoid interacting to others at work is very normal, especially in that atmosphere because you havent really found a way to be brutally honest and just say, because I have PTSD and I realize that the position I was in "flying" was something I could not continue to do effectively. And inside you don't really want to admit that something has changed or even appear disfunctional or defective somehow. And the other reality is that there is no real way to express the proper affect of how much you are really struggling. And even worse, it isn't that you are in denial, it is everyone else, and some of that is just pure ignorance and lack of training that should really have been established years ago.

And this is what you have to remember because this is an experience that other men go through as well and there really needs to be a way where other men and you can be recognized with respect and support. Ideally others should present you with as much encouragement as possible that provides you with an atmosphere where you begin to feel they just understand and it is ok and you are going to be supported because you really did contribute so much and what you feel now is real and they respect it and are there for you. And most importantly, you should have nothing to be ashamed about, you did your job well and your just going to find another activity that is not as stressful and along with that, your going to learn how to decompress and adjust.

really, I didn't go through what you went through in service, but I do have PTSD and I did experience a situation where I lost so much that it was just too profound for me, I simply fell apart and I do have terrible PTSD. And I am in a system too that doesn't make it any easier for me to recover in any way and function, in fact the system I am in is making me worse. That is sooooo wrong and even cruel. And in many ways I am stuck were you were realizing, truely realizing, that I need to get off that plane that I am on and now, I truely can't do anymore and it has effected not only me but my whole family.

Are you seeing a therapist? And are you on any medication? I personally take Klonipin to help me sleep at night and help me to get the anxiety under control. And it doesn't take away the PTSD but it really helps me control the severe anxiety issues and you need to look into that before you get to the point where your really struggling with the anxiety attacks and discomfort that will become more predominant in time. And fair warning don't look to the bottle of booze for comfort, it wont work and you cant take medication with alcohol, the alcohol interupts the effectiveness of the medication and can even make it dangerous.

Your desire to dodge and isolate from others is a part of the PTSD symptoms and you do need to understand that. Try really hard to not let yourself be embarrassed by what you have really. And you should start keeping a journal too. And really think about writing down what conditions would be better for your PTSD. And you have a choice really, you can either allow the PTSD and the sense of guilt and not being understood by others take place OR you can see what it really means and make efforts to voice how important it is that what you have truely needs to be respected and support is put in place by all those around you.

As I look at what I have been through, my PTSD would not have come to the point it is in now if I had been respected and the process really considered what was best for my condition. The process I am tied up in is WRONG and I am suffering because of another persons negligence and it took way too much from me, and is still taking way too much. The other person who severely damaged my life in more ways than I could ever have imagined has been able to just go along with their lives for the past four years while I have been doing nothing but continuously paying and suffering the consequences of their negligence, that is WRONG!

Any troop from any walk of the field of the defense for our country, should truely be respected and everything should be in place to support that persons condition, EVERYTHING TO SUPPORT THAT PERSON LIKE YOU. And that includes the atmosphere you are in now. You should not be jumping through any hoops of any kind and you should not be sitting there wondering which way to go or even wonder about anything, that should be right there for you, all of those stressful questions should be answered and resolved immediately for you and the transition should provide everything possible to see that your PTSD and condition is RESPECTED and SERVED STAT. The PTSD condition that you are in should be so respected and understood by those around you that all your fears and sense of distance and psychological struggle and desire to overcome should be immediately supported without question.

really, I wish I was in that environment to greet you every day and bring you a coffee or donut or anything you needed and remind you by saying, dam, your job was really tough and you hung in there for a long time, thank you for doing that, you must be a real strong person. I don't how you did it, I don't think I could have done it, and you did it real well and thank you for knowing when you just had enough because there are other men that depend on someone to say I have had enough and someone else needs to step in so no one gets hurt.

really, your not a failure of any kind, you are being truely responsible and your desire to step back and say, I cant continue is very brave too.
And that is the REAL TRUTH.

Open Eyes

Despite all of your second guesses, you are on the right track. Not your commander nor anyone else in your chain of command is going to help you to support yourself or your family, so who cares what they think. What you feel is real and it will never go away (controlled but not cured). The dreams, the eyes, the screams, the visions will always be with you and no medals, awards, or amount of flight hours can ever take that away. You did all you could do as a soldier and now it's time to take care of you and your family because they won't, we are disposable to them. Meds don't help but talking does. Find a good counselor and you will be amazed at the difference and the peace you will find. I am glad that you are speaking out because there are so many others just like you but are afraid to speak out and maybe you can be their inspiration. Pray, if God be for you then who can be against you!!!!

Just wanted to give everyone an update and say thank you. I met with the military docs, and they said I have severe PTSD. They have up me on some meds to get me through the near term, and I will be working with the VA for therapy. Apparently we have one of the best VA treatment centers in the country near my base.

Also, they have put me on a medical hold for at least the next year, which stops my commander from trying to boot me out. So, hopefully the future will be much better than the recent past.

Thanks again everyone.

Oh that is wonderful new really, now you can take care of YOU and get the support you need. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing, remember there are others here that do understand PTSD and I know all too well how nice it is to just hear someone say, I understand, me too.

Open Eyes

I know I'm new to this forum, but I just read through everything and am so glad things are looking so up compared to the past. I hope you have a good counselor and can start to feel better. God bless you.

I think you should really consider talking to a mental health personel on the base, or if you're worried about the confidentiality you could talk to one of the chaplains, both would definitely be able to help you access the help you need. The military is becoming a lot more open and understanding of the mental health issues of troops. I encourage you to continue to try and get another position. I know it's hard and a lot of hoops to jump through and it doesn't seem worth it a lot of the time, but it will pay off. Use this time off to find help, you mmay even consider making an appointment with legal to discuss your options.

Reality In Numbers

• Almost one in five veterans returning from Afghanistan and Iraq will experience mental illness.
• Approximately 30 percent of veterans treated in the veterans health system have depressive symptoms, two to three times the rate of the general population.
• Approximately 40 percent of homeless veterans live with mental illnesses.
• Take a moment today to say thank you to all the veterans for giving their lives and to those whose lives will never be the same. God Bless you!

Here's the straight story. If you access the military shrinks it will affect your promotions, assignments, and maybe even get you early medical retirement. No matter what they say, the system is not ready to handle ptsd.

Even in VA I was assured that "no one" would know of my being ptsd evaluated, but after seeing the shifting eyes of clerks when they opened my record for no matter what kind of appointment, and a shift in their tone of voice, I wondered what they were seeing. Alongside my eye appointments and everything else are these entries - in caps - MENTAL HEALTH APPOINTMENTS. I'd say I was lied to again.

If they won't let you reassign, just go down and visit the recruiter for another service and see what kind of deal they'll cut you. I've known several officers and NCO's who couldn't get out of their MOS assignements, so they resigned and re enlisted with no break in time, etc.

Treatment ... you better get some help, buddy. Don't be like me and bury all of this for decades and then watch it bubble up. At one point I decided I wouldn't kill any more. I decided I wouldn't even train anyone else to kill. I would take combat command, but I would not take guys off the street and change their lives forever. So when D.C. decided my next assignment, without negotiation, would be a training command just before another promotion and that next level of school that you know what I mean, I just walked out.

I'm not saying you should walk out. I'm simply saying this to let you know that I understand. And what I am saying is that you need to get that civ. T who has plenty of experience with PTSD and put 'em to work

I'm so proud of you Really for taking the time to deal with this. I know it's hard and there is a lot to go through. Just hang in there.... one day at a time (okay, so more like 5 seconds at a time some days), but you can do this.

And thank you for sharing this. Hopefully it will make some others think about taking these types of jobs too. My husband just recently applied for your position and didn't get it. I'm so thankful he didn't. He doesn't think it would take that big a toll on him, but I know it would, and I don't want him to learn that the hard way.

I don't have any thought-provoking words to say, but I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you today. My husband is a veteran who can relate to a few things you are going through, but not near as intense as you. I hope I can convince him join this site one day.

Hi all,

Just wanted to give everyone an update, and say thank you for all the kind words. Well, I did go in to talk to the mental health folks. They diagnosed me with severe PTSD and put me on medication to help with both nightmares and for the daytime.

Now that the meds have kicked in, I realize just how bad things were inside my head... Even when I thought I was doing "OK", in reality I was having all kinds of "mental static" (that's the best way I can describe it) going on. It wasn't until it stopped that I was able to realize that I had gotten so used to the constant craziness that I thought it was normal.

Although the meds have helped about 85 to 90 percent, the PTSD is always just right there... Just seeing the wrong news story, watching the wrong show, or even overhearing people talk about some things, and bang, I have an episode, but its not constant anymore.

Next week I'm finally going to start the PTSD treatment program at the VA.

I can only say really good things about the military mental health folks; they brought a quick and fast end to my commander kicking me out. We have a year to get this taken care of and return me to duty, or else I will go to a medical evaluation board (MEB). The only really good thing is that I will be over 15 years of service by then and if the MEB finds that I can't continue to do my job I'll be medically retired.

I've been told that the PTSD treatment folks may ask me to come off my meds, I'm really kind of scared of that idea now that I know how messed up I was. Also, I'm just now starting to be able to connect with my kids again, and I've completely stopped drinking...

Well we'll see how it goes and I'll try to let you all know from time to time. Mostly so if there is anyone else out there with these problems they can see that there is help available.

Thanks again all.

Oh thanks really for the update, so glad to hear your getting the help you need, I am actually curious about what meds your on that have helped, if you don't want to post them here can you PM me?

Please let us know how you are making out, try not to worry about going off the meds, I am sure if you are feeling better on them they wont take that away.

Thanks for staying in touch,

My thoughts and prayers are with you,
Open Eyes

Thanks for the update. I'm really glad things are working out so far. Keep in mind that even if the treatment program takes you off meds they'll probably do it slowly and will be there to help you every step of the way.

Open Eyes,

I don't mind letting people know what they are if it might be useful for others:

The daytime one is Venlafaxine XR also known as Effexor XR, this is supposed to help with serotonin levels.

The nighttime one is PRAzosin, this stops nightmares.

And then I also take traZODone to put me to sleep. It says to use as needed but I find if I don't take it I am still waking up every hour or so... Not from nightmares just from restlessness.

The only big drawback I've noticed is that it seems that the creative thinking part of my mind seems to be shut off. I am used to being able to take several ideas and bring them together in a way that allows me to see connections that most may not, but I am having real problems doing that on the meds.

I know that this is probably also the part of my mind that causes the visualization of things when I am having an episode, but at the same time this is kind of a big deal for me. I'm currently getting my undergrad degree in Economics (I'll graduate in March) and am looking toward a Masters or PHD in economics, and I need to be able to see connections in many of the disparate theories that we are taught.

Also, my memory has become absolutely horrible. I think this is really not due to the meds though because my memory was getting progressively worse before the meds anyway. With my school work now I often have to go back over many things to be able to finish my homework because I simply can't remember things that I read. But, I'm getting it done.

Thanks again all. I'll drop in again probably in a few weeks to let you know how the VA program is going.

Have a good night.

Ahhhhh...

Anyone else out there grind their teeth?

I hate me....

((((really)))) I have memory issues too at times and it can be frustrating. And I have similar issues with my creative abilities, or maybe drive.

I hope you get to feeling better, thanks for keeping us posted.

Open Eyes

I used to but that has lessened now that I have worked through much of my stress. I used to have to wear a mouthguard while sleeping to protect from cracking my teeth.