[Beardsley]

I'm a combat veteran and I have PTSD. I've been dealing with feelings of inferiority, no self worth, and hopelessness. My wife doesn't understand me, we always fight, and the only thing that makes sense anymore is to just end it. Everyday I struggle with thoughts of harming myself. I spend most of my time inside my head planning it. Some days I consider ending my life. The thought of suicide almost brings me a sense of calm. I'm finding fewer and fewer reasons not to do it. Normally what stops me are thoughts of my wife and parents. What would happen to them? Would they blame themselves? Would they do something drastic? I don't want to burden them with having to deal with everything once I'm gone. I've even considered hiring a lawyer to handle my particulars when it's over so they aren't burdened with me anymore. I don't know what to do or where else to go. I can't check myself in because we run our own business. If I go to the hospital we will go under financially. I feel lost and see no light at the end of the tunnel.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Beardsley: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

With regard to your concerns, while one of our main purposes, here on PC, is to support one another; realistically there is only so much that can be done in an on-line situation. Since you are feeling suicidal, it is really important that you reach out in real life for the help you need. You didn't mention if you see a mental health therapist or a psychiatrist or if you're on any psych med's. Assuming you are not in immediate suicidal danger, hospitalization is not necessarily the only option. There is much that can be done on an outpatient basis. But it is important that you pursue these options now before your condition deteriorates to the point where hospitalization becomes the only option.

If you're looking for someone you can correspond with via personal message, here on PC, you can certainly personal message me. I'm not sure I'm the best member here for you to do that with. I'm an old man & not a vet. I'm quite certain there are other PC members with whom you would share more experiences. On the other hand, I have self-harmed & been hospitalized twice following major suicide attempts. So I certainly do know a thing or two about that stuff. I'll leave its to you to decide what you want to do. One thing you might consider would be to post in the men's support forum. You might be more likely to connect there with members of similar age & background:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/men-focused-support/

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Open Eyes]

I've been dealing with feelings of inferiority, no self worth, and hopelessness.

This is something that a lot of individuals that struggle with PTSD struggle with so it isn't just something combat vets struggle with. It's "good" that you came here to vent this challenge. I struggled with this challenge "badly" myself and the individual that helped me that "saved" me was a vet I came across here at this site. He told me to pay attention to how these feelings come in "waves" that they come in, crest, and recede. I paid attention and noticed that he was right. I actually noticed that with PTSD, things do come in waves and what helped to reduce the impact was acknowledging whatever did come forward.

I know what it means to have low self worth, feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness. I know what it is like to not want to have these feelings so badly that I wanted to just "end". That being said, you are putting too much effort into "planning" on ways to give up. I know what that is like and what helped me is when I did notice that and I began working through it with a therapist.

Your family is not going to understand this challenge so it's important that you find support from individuals that do that can help you remember "why" you are not going to act because you are right, it would cause a lot of pain in your family, could even result in them struggling with PTSD as well.

I know about the fighting, unfortunately the struggle of PTSD has a lot of anger and impatience with it. This is something you can gain on "controlling" more with time and therapy. You may benefit from trying medical marijuana, I have met vets that use medical marijuana and find it to help tremendously. There are different kinds of medical marijuana that are mild and just take that edge off. I have met three different vets that have talked about how much that has helped them so it's worth looking into.

How long have you been out of service and struggling?

[mc2ed]

There are many here on this forum...that probably know some of the feelings you are experiencing....maybe not as many that are combat veterans....I am certainly willing to talk...sometimes...just someone listening...and the act of writing out what you are thinking and feeling...can have a direct connection to how you think about yourself...in a beneficial way....seeing in front of your eyes...your thoughts expressed can let you delve deeper...or even understand in a different way what you are feeling.....or gives incite in another way....
I have known personally the families of people who have committed suicide and it is a very good thing that you have the awareness of what it would do to those you leave behind....and that you check yourself.....because it is devastating to them in ways and layers that linger and NEVER go away........

I wrote this on some other post...and if it is veterans you are wishing to talk with...someone with shared experiences....have you tried writing on forums of the service you actually served in....I have read and written on some...and there were men that offered to speak with me privately.....and some of the forums even had closed to outsiders where deeper conversations were held....

The computer has helped me so much...in reaching out and having contact with people....yet there are times it is certainly the wish that you could just sit and be with someone....so...my words are the only way I can accomplish that with you...hold this thought in your mind....we are sitting together....we may not speak much...just occasionally grunt in each others direction...yet we are breathing together....and in my typing these words...my computer is on...and open to you....and if you read them where ever you are...your computer is on...and we ARE talking to each other...we are sitting in each others homes right now.....keep reaching out.....KEEP REACHING OUT....we are human...and sometimes we just need to let go and lean a little on someone else....I have done plenty of leaning....and am offering to be the support that lets you lean a little too....what ever you need....if I can....I will.....come back here....I am keeping this screen open to this page....hang in there...and keep breathing in....and letting it out...
People want to help....there ARE people who have the need to help too.....the hard part is...what I struggle with so much.....letting them......I am sending you deep breaths...and really really hoping you keep reaching out...

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Beardsley

I'm a combat veteran and I have PTSD. I've been dealing with feelings of inferiority, no self worth, and hopelessness. My wife doesn't understand me, we always fight, and the only thing that makes sense anymore is to just end it. Everyday I struggle with thoughts of harming myself. I spend most of my time inside my head planning it. Some days I consider ending my life. The thought of suicide almost brings me a sense of calm. I'm finding fewer and fewer reasons not to do it. Normally what stops me are thoughts of my wife and parents. What would happen to them? Would they blame themselves? Would they do something drastic? I don't want to burden them with having to deal with everything once I'm gone. I've even considered hiring a lawyer to handle my particulars when it's over so they aren't burdened with me anymore. I don't know what to do or where else to go. I can't check myself in because we run our own business. If I go to the hospital we will go under financially. I feel lost and see no light at the end of the tunnel.

Beardsley, hello fellow vet and please hang on. What you went through no one can even imagine all the emotions and the intensity of them for you. Do you have the Veteran Crisis Line number? 1-800-273-8255 Press 1, Do you have a local VA clinic? You know you can get treatment there. If you go to the emergency room have them to send you to a VA facility if you have to stay. The VA will probably help foot that emergency room visit as well. I'm using the VA right now for PTSD , non combat, and they have a pretty good program, they are just as any military establishment a little slow. So using the VA would help you financially to get the help you need. Take care my friend and please contact the line. I'm sure they can give you more information about going to the hospital and to a VA facility. Please call them.

[Unrigged64072835]

Hi Beardsley. I'm a vet and have PTSD, though part of it occurred during a peacekeeping mission. If you need someone to talk to, PM me.

[vikingr48]

I am also a vet who is a counselor for the Vets Center not associated with the VA. I have called the Vets Hotline many times since I have PTSD myself. They will take care of you no matter what your status is with them. They have gotten better at this.
Remember you can go to a hospital emergency room and they must take care of you if you are really in a crisis.
If they feel you are in danger of hurting yourself then they may take you in for 72 hours (depending on where you are) until things are a bit more squared away. I know many vets who were "inpatiented" and it was difficult but they are better. They were not "committed" to a mental institution.
Some quick techniques for you. Don't let your mind roll to the past. We who have PTSD tend to remain fixated there, with what we saw and felt. And we are in a kind of circular zone where our mind tries to keep resolving something that often cannot be resolved.
Siop a moment and start breathing through your belly, not your chest. If your shoulders raise while you breath, you are just putting more carbon dioxide into your brain. It needs more oxygen. Make your belly button go out as you breath in slowly with counts up to 5. Then breath out counting down to 5. Empty your mind. You will immediately feel a sense of calm and your mind will clear. Anger is one of the things we with PTSD have to recognize and let go. It turns inward. We have to let go of anger. It is the path to recovery.
PM me if you want. I will give you a Skype number and we can talk. Meanwhile, do not underestimate the VA. They have guys that have been there too. Trace14 is absolutely right about the steps to take.
Stay in the fight. There are forums to go to that have lots of combat vets there and they are more than happy to help you.

Charlie Mike.

[vikingr48]

Any news for us, Beardsley? Give us a SITREP.