[Purple Heart]

Hi

I believe I have complex PTSD. I saw some Youtube channels which made a lot of sense to me to explain my symptoms. For the last 3 years now I have been experiencing PTSD and now I think it has all been under the umbrella of complex - PTSD due to the fact that I experienced multiple traumas as a child. The problem is that my symptoms are very intense and nearly every day I have flashbacks that are very intense and graphic. The flashbacks related to csa are especially intense. I'm experiencing one at the moment with an abuser and it is very painful and intense. It's not uncommon to spend a whole day in bed as the flashback leaves me debilitated as I can't move. My T tells me I have to go through it to get better and there is no easy solution. She also says the most painful of the flashbacks come at the end. The thing is I suffer immensely nearly every day. Does anybody else experience this?

PH

[sideblinded]

Hi Purple Heart

I am sorry that you are experiencing such pain going through the flashbacks. I think I have PTSD but I have blocked out a lot of my trauma from childhood and I do get bad dreams from these memories occasionally. I may have a lesser degree of PTSD than you do. I kind of self diagnosed myself as well but I have had a therapist to concur. I hope you keep seeking support from your providers and keep reaching out here and talk to your friends or others who you can trust. I wish you the best.

you will make it through. you are strong x

[elevatedsoul]

hang in there, you ARE strong

[Open Eyes]

I am glad to hear that you are working with a therapist on this challenge. I am sorry you are struggling so much right now though. Yes, I can relate to the daily challenge you are having right now and that it is often exhausting as you are discribing. This stage of PTSD is a challenge, however, in time as you work through it all and verbalize it as well as go through the emotional challenge "gradually" and get support and validation from your therapist and others who understand this challenge, you will improve. It is very important to be "patient" with yourself, have a safe place you can retreat to when you experience an exhausting PTSD cycle so you can have quiet and rest. Make sure you acknowledge whatever comes forward but to also consciously remind yourself that whatever it is "is not in the now" and that you are "safe" now and you now have the right to talk about it, have it validated and work on healing. As you do this, you will make gains on it and these episodes will slowly become weaker and begin to ease up on how they affect you.

You are welcome to come here and post when needed as a source where you can have support.

((Gentle supportive Hugs))
OE

[Purple Heart]

Hi OE

Thanks for your kind words. Yeah I have severe (complex) PTSD that seems to never end. But my T says you just have to let it come to the surface we have no control over that. I think some people can somehow 'compartmentalise' it but that doesn't work for me. It's in my face but I do try strategies as you said by 'being in the now' and that they are memories. I do inner-child work which helps. Last day of the year for 2014. I hope 2015 is a better year for me where I can realise my dreams!

PH

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry you are having it so tough right now ((Purple Heart)), oh I know how that is so I really do empathize. I had a really hard time understanding it for a while and no, when this develops compartmentalizing is not gonna happen. What ever you do, do not beat yourself up for that ok? Your therapist is right, you just have to be patient and let whatever comes forward happen and afterwards talk through it. Also, be patient when you are trying to talk about these things as they come forward, often the words have a hard time coming out to where you can articulate whatever it is, that is normal and will improve with time. My therapist explained to me that when something happens to a person the brain doesn't store everything where there is language so it takes time to get that part figured out, sometimes one can have emotional flashbacks and not know exactly what is being remembered either, I had lots of those.

When I read about how people with PTSD "avoid reminders"? Well, yes, that is true only I did not always know why or what I was avoiding, I was not "consciously" avoiding as many people would think that don't understand or experience PTSD first hand.

What I "can" say is that you really have to take it one day at a time and be patient and if your thoughts go dark, talk about it, don't hide it. Talk about it with your therapist and you can talk about it here as others will understand it. If that does happen, it "will" go away.

Pay attention to your self talk, don't feed into thinking badly of yourself, that is very important.

You have help now, a therapist who understands PTSD, that is good. You also can come here for support, lots of caring members that are very supportive and understanding and have been where you are.

((Caring Supportive Hugs))
OE

[GirlOfManyFaces]

All the time. I'm sorry you have to experience it too.

It's paralyzing because of how terrifying and painful it is. But they have to give you a break eventually. Enjoy those little moments when you aren't in a flashback. <3
(((Hugs)))
I wish you the best

[Rydney]

Originally Posted by Purple Heart

Hi

I believe I have complex PTSD. I saw some Youtube channels which made a lot of sense to me to explain my symptoms. For the last 3 years now I have been experiencing PTSD and now I think it has all been under the umbrella of complex - PTSD due to the fact that I experienced multiple traumas as a child. The problem is that my symptoms are very intense and nearly every day I have flashbacks that are very intense and graphic. The flashbacks related to csa are especially intense. I'm experiencing one at the moment with an abuser and it is very painful and intense. It's not uncommon to spend a whole day in bed as the flashback leaves me debilitated as I can't move. My T tells me I have to go through it to get better and there is no easy solution. She also says the most painful of the flashbacks come at the end. The thing is I suffer immensely nearly every day. Does anybody else experience this?

PH

I'm still processing C-PTSD in my own life after thinking I was simply crazy or a spineless coward my entire life. I still think that, but at least I have something to explain why I might be this way, so my two cents is that be thankful you already know why you are the way you are and that yes, I am similar to what you describe.

I don't have flashbacks in the sense the I re-live the moments, but I have what C-PTSD describes as "intrusive" thoughts, that constantly pop into my head and never stop, ever. It can be something as simple as having let someone talk down to me in front of my girlfriend five years ago, or a full blown recounting of being beaten unconscious during childhood, and everything in between. The thoughts are worse if I don't keep myself active so when it gets really bad I usually have to hole up and just play a mindless video game or spend hours at the gym, but even the gym doesn't always work because sometimes that enhances the thoughts by putting me in the mood where I want to find people from my past and have some face to face time... the same face to face time I once had but did nothing with (with the exception of when I was a defenseless child) and then the coward feelings start all over again.

I didn't expect this to be so long, but no you are not crazy, but so far no, I don't know that it gets any better either, no matter what people on this forum or some therapist tells you.

Don't stay strong, that is a meaningless encouragement-Be still and KNOW that are ARE STRONG, no matter what the C-PTSD does to you. If you have C-PTSD and are still here, you are stronger than you can even imagine.

[SoupDragon]

I disagree that it never gets better. After 5 years with my T last week it felt like there was a bit of a break through in terms of the images in my head and what was happening in reality right there and then. I can't it into words, but it did feel hopeful.

[Rydney]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I disagree that it never gets better. After 5 years with my T last week it felt like there was a bit of a break through in terms of the images in my head and what was happening in reality right there and then. I can't it into words, but it did feel hopeful.

Getting "better" is subjective, and so yes, things can happen that make it more manageable, but in my experience times when you are in front of a therapist or at an ACoA 12 step meeting (the thing that has helped me the most) you are getting those breaths of fresh air that make life possible, you are not truly getting better because nothing besides psych meds make this stuff go away.

It is the belief that somehow it will be "better" someday that causes the deepest down turns when faced with the reality that it doesn't, for me it is better to understand that it is simply managing, not eliminating.

Also, most people don't have the money to spend five years with a therapist, so your experience is good but unusual.

[Purple Heart]

Thank you for your responses people

I use the science of neuro-plasticity to help heal my C-PTSD. It is a fairly new science whereby the hard-wiring in the brain can be changed. So I'm healing those pathways in the brain that were damaged by trauma. Once those pathways are healed, I no longer experienced that particular trauma. I did a program that has helped achieve this but I still have a while to go. There is a lot of trauma from childhood that needs to be 'unpacked'. I think therapy can help too and I do see a T on a regular basis. I'm also dealing with childhood sexual abuse by a few abusers which has made it a slow process since those traumas are very intense and take a long time to heal.

PH