Check in. How are you doing today?

having flashbacks. feeling vulnerable and horrible and cornered and trapped.

Feeling torn. Recovering from my crisis but also sliding slightly downward again. Longing to see my T.

Pissed!!!!!!! It's not thAt simple! You can't just stop seeing them, you can't just learn to push them to the side! It plays in your head! Its like a ******* movie playing in my head and it just won't stop! I can't make it stop!

The most ashamed I have felt in a long time. I feel like a pathetic piece of ****. I can't stand to be around me. I want to crawl out of my own skin. I hang my head in shame.

Good because i saw my T today and it was awesome

I'm recovering. Things have been better yesterday and today.

Alright. Had a horrible ptsd dream.

I don't know. Sliding, I guess. Serious and dangerous thoughts are intruding. But so too are thoughts of others. I just don't know.

Got myself in a real mess. Got triggered then this whole story line started in my head (won't go into details) and I ended up crying and plummeting. I suddenly noticed what I was doing, told myself to stop and got out of bed and made a cup of tea.

A little shocked that it seemed to work, but cautiously optimistic.

content..

It's Saturday, so I know that my husband and daughter will be home with me and this makes me feel safer. I woke up feeling sad, and with my chest sunken in, feeling a little trembly, but for me that's not too bad, I know I can get myself out of it. I sat on the balcony in the sun and the sadness started to melt away. Now i'm just here.

I have no idea how I am. I am trying to keep focused on PC, as my head feels like it is in a spin and I have to ignore it or get sucked in like a tornado.

I can't seem to make sense of anything and don't know if I am happy or sad or anxious or anything.

Need to hold on until I see T on Tuesday, feels a long time away right now.

I'm not feeling good. I'm worrying about a friend and having Easter flashbacks and urges

I am having lots of angry CPTSD thoughts today. I think they are starting to affect my health. Sometimes, I get so upset that I can't breathe. My cardiologist had me take a nuclear stress test recently. I had a hard time breathing. I know that I've gained weight and had to cut back on exercising due to a very cold winter and painful arthritic feet. I am more out of shape than ever. The nuclear stress test was inconclusive and to be certain the doctors there recommended a procedure where a dye is injected into my bloodstream. I have this test on Thursday. If they find a blockage then they will immediately conduct a procedure to clear it up and I will have to stay overnight in the hospital.

I saw today that there is a new light treatment for PTSD. My apartment is dark (it faces northwest) and often cold. Maybe I need to move to a brighter apartment and climate.

Awful now someone just made me feel bad

Struggling through Easter. Kid part(s) freaking out. Trying to focus on things other than flashbacks and body memories and horrible talking in my head.

I did actually push myself to ask for some extra support so that's a positive step. Will try to utilise that to get through today. Reminding myself i have options.