[ThingWithFeathers]

I read somewhere that those of us who suffer from cptsd are like the walking dead. This really resonates with me. Any one else feel this way?

[Jmatalik]

Completely! At least on the inside. Instead of looking for brains to eat we are looking for the pieces of our own Brains that seem to be lost somewhere

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[Trace14]

I agree, an empty shell of a person wandering around, searching for some unknown something

Thanks for this post. I have felt this way for a long time. I feel like I am under attack all of the time and it's my mind projecting attacks thinking it's trying to defend itself. It's uncontrollable and pure torture. I am a P.O.W. in my own body.

[Jmatalik]

I completely understand how you feel. That's is an extremely difficult thing to deal with and hard to explain to others. I hope that you are able to express and get stuff out sometimes. Which is also extremely hard.

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[Open Eyes]

It's not really that individuals that are suffering are the "walking dead", what it really is about is that those that struggle are "very aware, too aware" while so many others around them are in a way the "walking dead" because they are often selfish and intrusive and abusive. Most who suffer from PTSD or complex PTSD are individuals that have been neglected or abused and have had their boundaries invaded when they did not have enough knowledge to know how to protect their boundaries, some so young they did not even understand "what" boundaries are.

For myself, once I developed PTSD, it was even worse because everyone around me, family and friends I have managed to make in spite of how incredibly busy I was dealing with a husband that had two learning disabilities and a daughter that struggled with a learning disability were people I had tried to love and help, were angry with me for suffering from PTSD.

I have read so many sad stories from different members I have met in this forum, I have my own story too. I had no idea what PTSD was, and I had no idea "why" I was struggling with all the symptoms that so many come here to this forum and ask about. What is a flashback, here is what I am experiencing is that what it is? How do I sleep at night, how can I calm down and focus, why do I disassociate or lose track of time? Why can't I just like I used to? How can I trust people? I am worried about what the therapist will think if I "open up and tell". How can I be in the NOW, instead of being stuck in the past? I am so lonely, I am so tired and I want so badly to not be this way. Angry, I get so angry, I get so frustrated, then I cry and feel guilty that I can't seem to JUST like everyone is telling me to do.

One of the things I have recently noticed is when someone says, "you need to be responsible". When someone is mean to you somehow, get up, walk away, calm down and learn how to NOT REACT. All that says to me is HOW MUCH THESE PEOPLE HAVE NO CLUE, because THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO DO, "JUST" LIKE I USED TO DO. However, the other thing people like that DON'T GET, is that SO MANY HAVE INVADED MY BOUNDARIES and THESE PEOPLE WERE "NEVER" RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS.

I am VERY AWAKE, TOO AWAKE, SO AWAKE IT EXHAUSTS ME. The truth is, what I see, is how so many around me ARE THE ONES THAT ARE NOT AWAKE, because they go along and JUST IGNORE and DISMISS, and CHOOSE NOT TO SEE THE PEOPLE THAT THEY LIE TO, TREAT BADLY, DISRESPECT, and yes, THEY JUST, manage to SLEEP IT OFF.

The one thing I "can" say, is that FINALLY, there ARE people that are taking the time to not only RECOGNIZE this challenge called PTSD, but they are trying to understand WHY it happens to "some" people and they are really trying to find a way to help these individuals HEAL.

What I can say from the bottom of my heart is I AM SORRY, I am sorry you have been hurt, that people around you don't get it and tend to say all the wrong things to you too. I can also say from the bottom of my heart that "it is not your fault" too. Since I joined PC with my own trauma and lack of support and was so hurt I had very bad thoughts, I have met so many people that were brave and strong in spite of how badly they were treated by others.

The other thing I will say is that it really was NOT YOUR FAULT that other people in your life treated you badly, neglected you, abandoned you, and somehow you felt that "you" were not worthy. The truth is you WERE worthy but these other people did not have the capacity to recognize that, they were the ones that WERE ASLEEP, WERE NOT AWAKE enough to SEE YOU THE WAY YOU SO DESERVED.

PTSD is actually a RUDE AWAKENING, however, one can either choose to give up, or, one can try to be patient, embrace this awakening and learn and heal and help others to do the same.

I am NEVER going to say it is EASY, because it is not. It really "is" a "rude awakening", however, one can choose to try to embace it and heal and learn and help others to do the same, to keep talking about what you have learning, keep writing it out, because this is why people get PTSD and have this tremendous urge to speak up so much. The reason this happens is so one does sound an alarm so that others "pay attention" because that is how human beings learn how NEGLIGENCE HURTS and DAMAGES SOCIETYS AND BAD WAYS.

It does take time for a person to slowly understand "why" their symptoms happen. Trauma gets stored in areas of the brain where there is "no" language. Each cycle does mean something, PATIENCE, is a must until the person struggling slowly puts it together so they can verbalize the depth of a trauma, or many trauma's that accumulated and each time did some "hurt" that a person did not understand what to do with at the time.

Often people will be very confused when a person gives up. They will say, "well one never knows what is going on in that person's mind when they give up like that". Well, think about it, how are people going to "know" unless those who struggle find a way to verbalize "what hurt them"?

Many people are raised to "keep secrets and pretend", if things are bad in their home, must not tell, must put on a "mask" outside of the home so society thinks a family is normal and healthy.

When there is suspicion about something possibly bad taking place, what do we wait for? We wait for A WHISTLE BLOWER to come forward right? It is these "brave" individuals that bring on true AWARENESS AND POSITIVE CHANGE.

One day I took my little daughter to her riding lesson. To my surprise my daughter asked me to wait a minute because she and some other children needed to talk to me. My daughter and two or three other young girls got in my car and told me that they were very worried about how this trainer was severely NEGLECTING his children. I heard some very bad things, and what bothered me is how these other girls were AFRAID to tell their own mothers/parents. At least my own child knew her mommy would listen and do something.

So, one of the mothers was a MINISTER of a big church with a big congregation, she was also a psychologist/therapist that treated many patients during the week. So, I called her to my car where I told her what had been taking place, by this time I had also seen bad things myself. TO MY HORROR, this woman did not act upset or shocked, instead she turned to me and very calmly said, " Well OE, you do whatever you think you need to do". So here was this PRIM AND VERY PROPER woman with her perfectly clean house, who stood on a pulpit and also was a professional psychologist, NO WONDER WHY HER OWN CHILD WAS AFRAID TO TELL HER.

I was the only one that DID DO SOMETHING. I got my horse out of that place and called the people who needed to know that YES, THESE VERY LITTLE CHILDREN WERE BEING SEVERELY NEGLECTED. My own daughter was afraid to leave this trainer, he had her believing that no other trainer would train her if she left him. I could not believe her fear, again, I had to show her WE HAVE A RIGHT TO WALK AWAY FROM TOXIC PEOPLE.
I was the only WHISTLE BLOWER, and it was not easy because this trainer was very angry and said bad things about me that were not true. That is what ABUSERS AND TOXIC PEOPLE DO, so it is not easy to be a whistle blower. I know it was NOT EASY for these children to come to me either, and sadly I could see "why" too.

It is very hard to be "so awake" with PTSD because "yes' it is very tiring in a way so many people do not understand. It is very "hard" to talk about it too, that really hurts in a way many do not understand too. Even the individual struggling doesn't really understand "why" it hurts so much either.

I am very grateful for those who were brave enough to TALK before I ended up suffering from PTSD. Because of how others were brave, my therapist was better able to listen to me, and also tell me that I WAS NOT ALONE. So, I finally slowly got to talk about my own story, something I had always felt I had to keep to myself.

Please know, you are not alone with this challenge, and IT REALLY IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is time to talk and slowly GRIEVE and HEAL. Yes, it really is a very challenging process too.


OE

[Jmatalik]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. Hugs.....

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[Fuzzybear]

[me665]

I am VERY AWAKE, TOO AWAKE, SO AWAKE IT EXHAUSTS ME.

Well said! Well said! I am literally tired, but hyperalert all the time. I have to take Ambien to get any sleep AND I cannot share a room with a human if I want to get any sleep (and that includes my husband or a friend). I can only sleep in the same room with an animal. I hear every breath, every swallow.
I crave being alone. I get so tired of the noise and drama of other people.

[Seeker101]

OE, you nailed it. I am also awake and exhausted.

[Quarter life]

During my extended trauma, I recall feeling a conscious jolt, a severing from the the world. I have never since been able to find my way back. My Psychiatrist says that this is called 'Mental Death'....sounds fairly final to me.
I feel compelled to write more here on this.. it's been 25+ years after all....but I'm just not ready yet.

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I am VERY AWAKE, TOO AWAKE, SO AWAKE IT EXHAUSTS ME.

It's amazing how loud and true that resonates with me. I am so hyper-vigilant and hyper-aware that it literally exhausts me to the core. I'm wondering if these symptoms will ever go away.

[Seeker101]

QL, your description is perfect! A Conscious Jolt. Wow.

[Open Eyes]

Wow, I have not seen this for a while, reading my post with the caps means I was angry at the time. I hope I did not trigger anyone when I did that. I have noticed so many thanked me, could relate to the anger themselves.

I was not in a good place when I posted that either. It was only a short while after I went to a mediation with my case and it was "still" nothing but game playing by the opposing side.

It was the first time I had seen the lawyer that had desposed me back in Oct of 2010 where I ended up having a flashback I could get out of, this lawyer is representing the insurance company that my neglegent neighbors have. What an awful experience that was for me, she did play the role of "being nice" that I had read about too. I never did get to finish being deposed either, my now exlawyer was getting so much worse in "dementia" that in spite of my pleading with him in tears to get it done, he kept failing to remember scheduled depositions.

This time almost five years later, she had a very different behavior, she would not look at me, her body language was very "cold" and she sat with another lawyer and an adjuster whispering in a way that I just knew was "negative about me". If only she knew, if only she even met my neighbors, she would not like them at all.

Can you imagine what is like to want to approach someone so badly to tell them what really happened, that my lawyer was failing me and I could not even call her to ask her, that I called so many lawyers to help me and as soon as they heard my lawyer's name would "not" help me?

I could not go near her, but instead had to watch her march in and out of the room where the Judge was there to listen to both sides, all the while her intention was "no negotiation" after all THAT IS HER JOB.

But I had flashbacks from when I had a post traumatic stress breakdown, ended up in a psych ward and my own sister was so cold like that too. I AM A BAD GIRL, I DON'T DESERVE TO BE SO HURT, and instead I was literally abandoned in that awful place over Thanksgiving and my sister insisted that my parents don't come visit me. NO ONE came to visit me, so I ate Thanksgiving Dinner with a group of people that were on so many medications they were very confused and IT SCARED ME. Most of the time I was there over the 9 days I was there, thinking I would never get out of there, I was having the PTSD chills. Well, when I get triggered I get these chills, I even have burns on my legs because I can't get warm. When I went to the doctors for my injured leg because I slipped on the ice and I think I tore my colateral ligament, I made sure I wore socks to cover these very red areas so he could not see. That's another thing, I have been waiting and waiting to get an approval to have an MRI so I can see/know what is hurt. The doctor was honest with me and told me it could take several weeks, and that is how it is now. Well, that is what I do, I wait and wait now. I have been waiting now for EIGHT YEARS and counting for my case to finally resolve.

I am also advised not to reveal I have PTSD, because of how the opposing side will only use it against me.

What has happened to me, and is still happening IS WRONG. There is not a day that goes by that I don't pray that science will show how much damage this "due process" can have when a person is telling the truth and is challenged with PTSD. It is cruel to keep someone going on for so many years "trapped in the trauma" like this.

There is more I could share here, but I am just too tired to today tbh.

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

(((((((OE)))))))

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I wish I knew what to say to try and help. Just know that I understand how you feel and I sympathize.

I'm very surprised to hear about your MRI though...is there nothing your doctor can do to get this process sped up??

[Open Eyes]

Unfortunately my doctor has ordered it, but the insurance, as he had warned, is taking their time in approving it so I can have it done. The doctor explained to me it's the system it's crappy.

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Unfortunately my doctor has ordered it, but the insurance, as he had warned, is taking their time in approving it so I can have it done. The doctor explained to me it's the system it's crappy.

I would call my insurance company and demand they approve it! It is a NECESSARY test and by them delaying it for THIS long can possibly cause you MORE damage and in turn cost them more $$$ to fix the problem. I swear sometimes I think the insurance companies are run by complete idiots.

[Open Eyes]

There is a person at the Medical office where I see the doctor and she has been calling every day to get the permission so I can get this MRI done. Yes, you are right, it could be getting worse, but I have no choice but to keep waiting.

It is triggering because it's the same thing with my lawsuit with my neighbor who was negligent that resulted in so many of my horses and ponies being hurt/damaged too. This year is now 8 years and I am still paying on all the debt it caused me and ofcourse struggling with PTSD because I saw it happen and all the loss just overwhelmed me. Plus my neighbor still kept on intruding too.

[Little99lion]

Something that helps me with the 'dead inside' feeling is connecting with the part of me that they weren't able to destroy. It's all those parts of my personality that have stayed with me despite the horrendous abuse. F*** THEM!!! They didn't hurt all of me and they never will.

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

There is a person at the Medical office where I see the doctor and she has been calling every day to get the permission so I can get this MRI done. Yes, you are right, it could be getting worse, but I have no choice but to keep waiting.

It is triggering because it's the same thing with my lawsuit with my neighbor who was negligent that resulted in so many of my horses and ponies being hurt/damaged too. This year is now 8 years and I am still paying on all the debt it caused me and ofcourse struggling with PTSD because I saw it happen and all the loss just overwhelmed me. Plus my neighbor still kept on intruding too.

Please keep us updated with everything!

[Open Eyes]

Thanks, I will, have not been getting much sleep, it hurts a lot at night. I wish I knew what it is that hurts so much.

[rep97]

I feel like the walking dead. But as openeyes said it at the same time I feel too awake. Too awake for my own good. It is a horrible struggle. One I don't wish upon anyone.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by thepeaceisinthegrey

Please keep us updated with everything!

I finally had an MRI done yesterday, don't have the results yet though. At least, hopefully, I will get to know what is hurt and how to best deal with it, it's been very tiring to deal with as it's always hurting especially at night.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by rep97

I feel like the walking dead. But as openeyes said it at the same time I feel too awake. Too awake for my own good. It is a horrible struggle. One I don't wish upon anyone.

What has been such a big challenge to me is how much of what I did have that was so positive was destroyed, and how much I have been disrespected in how all that loss has affected me, and ofcourse ended in my developing PTSD.

The end result has been that of my being "detached" as my subconscious mind is struggling with attaching to anything positive in fear of it being disrespected and destroyed. This is not something my conscious mind was recognizing, but instead just kept me detached.

My therapist wanted me to make a list of the positives in my life, what to be grateful for. I have not been able to do that, what I have realized in this challenge is that because I have been discredited constantly (in the legal process as well as in psychological mistreatment even by professionals) for what I did value, that my ability to reattach has been further damaged.

I have been getting therapy for bad therapy and I am working with a lawyer who has been trying to fix my case from my case being handled so badly as well.

It is very hard to emerge from the fog when so many push you back into it, including family members who through lack of understanding tend to criticize and demand "you need to just".

[thepeaceisinthegrey]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I finally had an MRI done yesterday, don't have the results yet though. At least, hopefully, I will get to know what is hurt and how to best deal with it, it's been very tiring to deal with as it's always hurting especially at night.

I am so glad to hear this!!! I really hope it's good news and something they can fix with some physical therapy or something!