Confronting about triggering *Trigger warning*

If you can trust your therapist, that is a good thing and a start.

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This wasn't my T, it was the one that made her hand look like a gun and acted like she shot me in the head. She's a neighbor here in my development. After sending her the message that her action was triggering she understood and apologized. So I wasn't sure how the first interaction would feel after sending that email.

Hi Trace,

I am sorry about your dad and the trauma to you.
(My dad had also committed suicide.)

I see you were also employed in "emergency services."
I was, too. I think I had a way with coping well with immediate/acute situations due to my prior exposure to the same. However, over time, the stress was too much for me -- the combined prior CPTSD and working in emergency services for years, which added more trauma.

I am sorry your neighbor's actions had triggered you. So glad you could share this with her.


WC

I have to tell you if someone did that to me I would not be happy. I did not understand until now that's what she did. I have to say you handled that exceptionally well!

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Thanks so much for responding back. I'm so glad that people are finally recognizing the stress that Emergency Services people go through ,seeing so much bad stuff every day. I think most think well that's your job, and what you signed up for, deal with it. But some of the things we have witnessed no one would sign up for. Granted it takes a special kind of person to that job, but we are still human and the accumulation of all those horrible sites catches up with us. I actually started in 1977 when I joined the Air Force and got my EMT-IV there. Worked in West Texas Medical Trauma Center to keep my credentials up. There was so much trauma from people getting caught in farm equipment or being thrown off horses/bulls. ATV's rolling over on them. It was a different kind of trauma that I saw on the East Coast.
Then 18 years of Law Enforcement/Fire Fighting/EMT/Disaster Response Team... it was a lot. Dad's death and the early EMDR really kicked it off in my head.
It's funny how things can be okay then one day all that changes in a blink of an eye and it makes you wonder why it can't change back that quick, or at least in a month or so. NEVER did I think that 2.5 years later it would be keeping me down like this and change the person that I was.
My childhood neglect was not identified until I started talking to a T. It was just the way it was and I didn't think much about it. The T thought otherwise. Especially when I started drinking alcohol at age 9-10 and smoking.
When you look at the big picture it makes sense why things are as they are. There are so many pieces of the puzzle. Individually they are not big deal really, but as the puzzle fills in you see.....it was a big deal for a kid to go through. *sigh*

Well I knew she was joking, and I don't think she knew about dad's suicide and that was how it happened. It just caught me off guard that she would use that gesture towards someone else. I have seen others do that to themselves just joking when something was driving them crazy. But never have I seen someone do that to someone else. Especially someone who is a T by trade.
After I sent the email to her all these possibilities popped up in my head about how would I feel next time I saw her, would either of us ever be comfortable around each other again? But it went okay. I asked her to not talk to be about and she didn't.

You don't need to take care of her feelings, just your own. Doesn't matter what she does for a living. Glad you asserted yourself.

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That's just who I am. Remember my life has been about taking care of others through the professions I've had. I'm a caretaker and protector.

I understand and I'm going to tell you the same thing that was told me in so many ways: take care of yourself first. I'm having to learn this too in a very difficult family situation . We are not responsible for other people's feelings or actions.

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I agree that we are not responsible for others feelings or actions but we don't have to add to their misery. And if they want ,and will accept help, we can help them. It's all up to them really.
As bad as my situation is, there are people that have it worse off, maybe not in my opinion but it's what they feel and identify with. Especially teenagers, very small things seem to be the end of the world for them. Break ups, not getting a good grade, not being good in sports, being gay or questioning their sexual identity.
But as adults we look at those things and say those are not that bad...but it is for a teenager for some reason. I investigated a lot of teen age deaths for these very reasons. very sad.

I have a teen with a mood disorder who abuses substances and also has a nutritional disorder, I know. I am responsible for her however I am not responsible for the choices she makes, or the things she thinks or says nor how she feels.

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True, so sorry you are going through that and that she is as well. Teen years are horrible even on good days. When I was a teen my mom told me "I've taught you the difference between right and wrong, what you choose to do with that is up to you now. Do not call me to get you out of jail, you knew better than to end up there" I believed her too. Well...I think she would have gotten me out after a day or two, but it would have been more peaceful staying in jail I expect Hang in there and hopefully you two will come together at some point. I hope so. Do you ever sleep? I need to get in bed since I have that class and T appointment tomorrow. Though I'm wide awake the Trazadone just doesn't do the job of calming me down enough to sleep. Plus I ran out of the Gabapentin (Sp?) and I think I'm having withdrawals from that. Feels like electricity is running through me and I can't sit still.
I have a **** pot of meds but my last blood draw I was borderline overdosing on Benzos, while taking them as directed. So I really don't want to take anything else. I wonder if you can take Temazepam with Trazadone .
Anyway going to go try to sleep. Got to get up in 5.5. hrs sigh, maybe I should just stay up.

I think I understand. I am also a caretaker and a vigilant protector.

While we are not responsible for others' feelings, it does not harm anyone to extend ourselves if we have the energy to do so and if doing so does no harm.

You did set some parameters by addressing the issue and then by asking her to not talk with you about the incident.

I also try to help others understand when they have little to no insight into how their own behaviors may be hurtful to me or to someone else. We can usually come to a clear understanding, can reach forgiveness and salvage our friendship or mutual positive regard for having reached out with mutual compassion.


WC

Trazodone makes me anxious and Gabapentin was too weak for me so I take seroquel when I don't have to wake up with an alarm. I do sleep. I'm in the PST, however my daughter just got home an hour ago. Melatonin and valerian root are good OTC sleep aids as are Benadryl and tryptophan and taurine .

Hope all goes well tomorrow.

Let us know.

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hey...

i was recommended this book..
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Sc.../dp/0670785938

although i haven't been able to get a copy of it for myself yet i have read a couple pieces and seems to have interesting stuff.. maybe could be helpful..

Well I made it through it. OMG the T told me that the next class is the last of this module That there are three more modules I thought I was going to vomit. She says she intentionally doesn't tell people how big this is because no one would come. I agree. If she had told me it was a 20 week program......no way I would have started it.
She wants me to go fishing before the next class...next Monday... maybe it will rain everyday

I think I got maybe 1.5 hrs. sleep last night. So after the appointments I ran some errands and then came home and took a solid 3 hr. nap. I hardly ever sleep for more than an hour at a time without getting up.
I think the VA doctor refilled the gabapentin too. I think I have been having some withdrawal symptoms for that also. So maybe things will get back on track soon.

I think I have this book somewhere, it sounds familiar. What part was most helpful for you?

Fishing sounds great! I think you did fine, as you will with each upcoming module. Take it one class at a time. It will be ok.

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I totally get it. I took 25mg of seroquel last night and feel a bit sedated which is probably good for me. I've had an elevated waking heart rate for the past year and this past week it's been even higher so I'm going to email my dr about it.

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I'm reading it now and highly recommend it! It talks about when the diagnosis was created and how it was first treated, so far.

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Yes, you need to get that heart rate down. Mine used to be over a 100 at rest. The doctor said the heart is a muscle and when you work out a muscle it gets bigger, but with the heart the valves will not operate properly if the heart gets bigger. So that's when they put me on Metoperol (sp?)

I'm not at a point where I could read something like that. I have the attention span of a gnat.

Mine is down except when I wake up. It's been an issue for years. I have high SUDs when I wake up.

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What can they do about SUDs? Are they treating it?

Got triggered again tonight. While at the grocery store the clerk mentioned that a woman just got assaulted at the side of the building and that a man threw her clothes out of the car. The suspect had left but the clerk was afraid he would come back and assault her again. I told her I would go check on her. I went around the building and this 35 year woman had blood coming out of her nose and mouth, another citizen had gone to her aide and was with her. The suspect had returned to the scene but once he heard the police had been called he got gone. So the other citizen and I stayed with her until the police arrived. I couldn't leave them there in case he came back. We waited over an hour and a half. But her story sounded so much like the violence I witnessed from my Dad. Just brought up a lot of stuff. I don't understand why women stay with men that beat them.