I can't do this anymore

My T believes I have C-PTSD from chronic mental and emotional abuse at the hands of my narcissistic mother. I am 33 years old, and declared disabled by the government because of my mental illness (schizoaffective and DID, as well), so because of lack of resources, I still live with my mother. My father's house is not an option, because he is basically a hoarder and there is seriously no room there. In addition to a place to live, my mother provides food and bills and also pays for medical co-pays and such, in "exchange" for me "helping" her. I have no choice. If I refuse I lose everything. She would make me homeless. I have nowhere else to go.

So, tonight, after a long anxiety ridden day, I gave in and have had a bit to drink. I am nowhere near intoxicated, but everything has been building for a while. I was in a car accident a couple months ago, and am not physically healed or able to do everything that I could before...

The problem for tonight consists of me needing to take out the trash... which just turned into an all out screaming match. I should not have to pick up seriously unsanitary things simply because she refuses to do one thing (stop using a particular bag) for me. I have asked several times that she stop using them because stuff falls out of them, disgusting things. I didn't want to pick it up off the floor and put it in the other bag, and expressed as much. She proceeded to literally throw a toddler temper tantrum. This woman is 70 years old. And she is having a fit, like a freaking two year old.

I can't do this anymore. I have already been feeling su for weeks if not months, I have been fighting urges to drink, use, or sh for just as long... I just want to give up.

She only cares about me to the extent of what I can do for her... nothing more.

I don't see the freaking point anymore.

I made an appt for Thursday for an IOP assessment, and spoke with my pdoc and set up an emergency appt for Friday, and then the day just went to he'll.

I don't know what to do anymore... I keep trying, and nothing seems to be working...

Puck

(If this is in the wrong place, please move it to the right place. I can't even see straight right now.)

Sorry things are going so bad for you right now. Sounds like a social worker needs to be called in to assess your situation for both of you. This can't be a healthy living environment for either of you really. Just hold on to get to that appointment on Thursday, just take one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one minute at a time to help you get through this. You just need a little help getting this worked out and it looks like you are trying to get that help. Keep us posted.

Hello childofchaos: I don't really have anything useful to offer here. I presume it's not possible to simply get rid of those bags your mother is using & replace them with something more sanitary? (I realize this is probably just one problem among many.) I presume as well you've looked into the possibility of low income housing. I know it can be very difficult to get into this sort of thing, if it's even available.

I'm an older person myself. (Close to your mother's age.) So I know how difficult we older folks can be. I just wanted to leave a note letting you know I read your post & wishing you the best with your efforts to work through this most difficult situation.

The "bags" are actually the package that her sanitary products come in. She rips them open to the point where they just don't hold the products after being used... I get her the heavy duty reusable grocery bags (plastic, because my city put in a bag ban) when I go to the store. They hold so much better, but she would rather do the thing I have asked her not to, knowing I have a legitimate reason for asking.

Let us know how your appointment goes tomorrow, Thursday. Can you talk to them about help and options for your living situation for yourself and your mom?

I will definitely try to post an update. As for asking for resources, there aren't many that would work. I do not get enough money for an apartment or a sober home. The only real option would possibly be a group home situation that takes government insurance (which I get because I am declared disabled).

The main concern right now, is that because I technically fall into the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, they always just throw me into DBT, even tho I say I don't want that, that it doesn't work for me, and that I have done that particular IOP over 5 times now, and am still coming back because nothing is changed/better.

I do not agree with the diagnosis for me at all. Every single criteria for BPD that I meet, could also be explained by years of chronic emotional and mental abuse and neglect, for which I hold a diagnosis of C-PTSD and DID. Even to an extent, the schizoaffective diagnosis could be explained by that as well, especially since my psychotic symptoms are related to stressful situations more than anything else.

I want to go to the dual diagnosis group they have, but I am scared that it will just be "well I need to put you in DBT because of your issues/symptoms. I am at the point right now, that I want to say dual or nothing. If they say DBT, then I am just gonna say "no thanks" and leave. I am not going to waste the time and money on yet another 20 sessions (3 hrs each) of something that doesn't help me.

I want to get better. I am so tired of feeling this way, resorting to the behaviors and substances, because I don't know any other way. I need help, but I am not gonna just roll over and "do what they say" because they are the "experts" anymore. I have an education history (college and university level) in social work and psychology, but because my issues caught up with me, I have not been able to finish a degree yet. (Hopefully 1 more class for an associates degree, which I am registered for in the spring...)

I am desperate, I can't keep living like this, something has to be done... I just feel like sometimes their procedures put the clients at risk because there is no leeway for clients to be different people with different needs even though they have the same problems.

I agree that sometimes the MH system fails people, thinking a one size fits all therapy is the answer. Keep looking, you are a smart person and you may be able to find something better suited for you, look outside the box. Getting your education will open some doors for you. Stick with it, it will be well worth it and a great accomplishment. Something your earned, for you and you can use that to create the life you want. Very proud of you!!!!

There is always a way out, and I'm not referring to the "S" word here ... If going to a group home and working some kind of therapy you don't care for is the only option available to you right now, take it! ... At least it will get you away from what you know for an absolute fact isn't working for you ... You don't have to see how the whole thing plays out, just take that first step no matter how scary it is ...



I escaped mine 23 years ago after living in it for 33.5 years ... In spite of all the uncertainty, randomness and fear, I'm still standing ... I've still got a lot of work to do, but at least I'm not living in "it" anymore, and that one small step opened up a whole bunch of possibilities for me that would never have been there had I stayed ...

You've got this!

Regardless of all the BS she's planted in your head telling you otherwise!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

You can do it, Pfrog!

How did the Thursday appt. go?

It went well. They are willing to let me attempt the dual diagnosis group instead of DBT... the main concern is that my issues (self harm and su feelings) are considered more severe than what is usually dealt with in that group. But it is process, which is more what I need.

Also, I had an emergency appt with my pdoc Friday. I normally do not cry at all. And if I do, I do everything possible to not do it in front of people. So, my pdoc (a resident, in the last part of rotations) got to the part about su feelings, and went thru the questions, and I answered. Do you have a plan? Yes. What would you do? *I answer* Clarification to see how serious? *I answer* and he proceeds to put the laptop down on the desk next to him, moves his chair closer, hands me the tissue box, and I couldn't hold the tears in anymore. I felt vulnerable at the time, and anxious after, but not to the point that I won't go to the next appt.

Idk, I kind of felt that he genuinely cared and was actually concerned. Not like, this is his job. I get that it is, and that if it came to it, he would absolutely put me in hosp against my will, but it felt like he was really listening and wants to help, not just because it's a job.

I still feel pretty awful, honsetly. Severely depressed, and feeling su. It's just so hard to talk to people irl. I don't know how most of them would react, and it's scary... and I am doing everything I can to not numb chemically...

The thing is that chemicals set you back in progress. The ideal plan is to move forward but sometimes just being still and steady is the best course. Sounds like you have a great doctor. You are blessed with that. Maybe the dual diagnosis classes will help, give them a chance. Its better than DBT, right? Did you ask about options about getting out of your mom's house?

I did ask about housing options. One thing with this IOP place, they ask during the assessment about different issues that you might need referrals for... I told them that I really need to get out of my mom's, but that money is an issue. Apparently there is a community in my city that is all people on disability from the government, but you get your own little apartment... I think they are gonna get me info on there...

Today is day 3 clean from substances and self harm... I am feeling pretty awful, depressed and su thoughts... I am getting really tired of feeling like this...

That's great that they are looking into an apartment for you. Congrats on staying clean for three days! That's huge! Of course you are going to be depressed about breaking away from things that brought you a get away from life, that's understandable and leaves a void. You need to try to find something to fill that void, even if you don't like it, like exercise. When I was quitting smoking, everytime I wanted to smoke I would do jumping jacks, or jog in place, or something like that. Then it got to a point where I would say I don't want either of them But you have to find what works for you. Doing something you enjoy may work out better. Stay strong, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. You can do anything for a minute.

I am so glad that you are aware that in order to heal that it is imperative to get away from the situation you are in ... I am also happy to hear about the community for those with disabilities, and that you would have your own personal space ... And, congrats on day 3 of playing it straight ... I hope you are proud of all you have achieved so far even though your whole world is upside down right now!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!