[Trace14]

Well.....now I'm thinking my mom wasn't emotionally absent, the description just didn't fit. But........I did find a book on being Emotionally Immature and BINGO! That is so what we went through and still going through even now. It perfectly describes us both. So if your dealing with identifying, with putting a name to you and your mom's relationship I highly suggest looking into Emotional Immaturity.
Also in doing this reading I had an ah ha moment with why I don't trust therapist and resent going to them. It's not because I'm "not ready for therapy" as I've been told. It's because talking to a therapist is like talking to my mother. I go to a person who I feel can answer my questions and support me and it's not there with a T either. It's kind of sad I had to figure this out on my own and the therapists were so quick to let me go, with out looking into why it was happening.
To me is seems therapists take the easy road with clients, not really wanting to deal with the complex cases. Just my opinion though.
Has anyone else had a situation where the T just wants to discuss one issue that's bothering you and really doesn't want to look at the past issues that are bothering you just as much?

[Fuzzybear]

I did see a couple of therapists who weren't exactly quick to let me go but I didn't trust them either..
(I was told it would "get worse before it gets better")

The first one was very picky about what we talked about... it was mostly about him and his needs I now realise

Something absolutely horrible one of the parental units did was met with callous indifference

I started a thread in this forum earlier today ... got timed out grrr

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I did see a couple of therapists who weren't exactly quick to let me go but I didn't trust them either..
(I was told it would "get worse before it gets better")

The first one was very picky about what we talked about... it was mostly about him and his needs I now realise

Something absolutely horrible one of the parental units did was met with callous indifference

I started a thread in this forum earlier today ... got timed out grrr

I've been told that "it will get worse before it gets better" as well. Must be something in the T handbook that says you have to say that. Oh man sorry about your post. Are you going start the thread again?

[Open Eyes]

YES, unfortunately Trace it's hard to find a good therapist and I believe you when you say you feel a lot like you do when you talk to your mother because a therapist can lack the ability to actually help patients the way a patient needs them to. I had experienced that myself, our mental health system in this country is severely lacking so it's not just you that has a hard time finding a decent therapist.

It's good that you are doing the research and in that have gained a lot on your own. I have noticed an improvement in you since you first joined. Maybe you are isolating but you are also making it a point to learn about how you are challenged and have access to this site where others can validate and reassure you. I also think you are using the site in a healthy way where you have a place to write out what you are learning and how what you are learning applies to your own challenges.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

YES, unfortunately Trace it's hard to find a good therapist and I believe you when you say you feel a lot like you do when you talk to your mother because a therapist can lack the ability to actually help patients the way a patient needs them to. I had experienced that myself, our mental health system in this country is severely lacking so it's not just you that has a hard time finding a decent therapist.

It's good that you are doing the research and in that have gained a lot on your own. I have noticed an improvement in you since you first joined. Maybe you are isolating but you are also making it a point to learn about how you are challenged and have access to this site where others can validate and reassure you. I also think you are using the site in a healthy way where you have a place to write out what you are learning and how what you are learning applies to your own challenges.

It has been a long hard road and I can see some changes by becoming more educated on the different aspects of this complex situation. When I first started coming here I was in a fog, shock, I did well to get a complete thought written. I had no idea the world was turning around me, because to me it had stopped. But by learning more I could research more and find possible options to the situation, try it, see if it helps, if not move on to something else at a different angle. Kind of like doing a crossword puzzle. Plus, just because an option didn't work right then doesn't mean it can't be a tool later. Sometimes you are just not in a place to understand and accept a concept. Maybe at a later time that the same concept may be beneficial because you are ready for it then.
I look at CPTSD as water. You can pour it into different containers and it takes a different shape or color, but it's still the same water. Or "you can shave a leopard and it still has it's spots" But with the water if you keep shaking it up, moving it, keeping it oxygenated it doesn't grow stagnant, until an inferior particle is added. So yes, a lot of over thinking was used up during this healing process so far. I'm not better , just different place right now, still fragile, still scared, still tired, terrorized by memories.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

YES, unfortunately Trace it's hard to find a good therapist and I believe you when you say you feel a lot like you do when you talk to your mother because a therapist can lack the ability to actually help patients the way a patient needs them to. I had experienced that myself, our mental health system in this country is severely lacking so it's not just you that has a hard time finding a decent therapist.

It's good that you are doing the research and in that have gained a lot on your own. I have noticed an improvement in you since you first joined. Maybe you are isolating but you are also making it a point to learn about how you are challenged and have access to this site where others can validate and reassure you. I also think you are using the site in a healthy way where you have a place to write out what you are learning and how what you are learning applies to your own challenges.

and BTW you have made some positive strides yourself with becoming more educated and very skilled at expressing yourself in writing, in that people understand the feeling in your words. That's a gift. Because writing on some of the topics we discuss is a sensitive matter. The way you word things makes all the difference in the World. You have devoted so much time in this site to help others and there are many grateful people out there, myself included. I know parts have been very hard for you. You were really struggling also when we first met. Glad to see that has happened. I still think you should go to school to become a counselor.

[Open Eyes]

Thank you so much for that compliment Trace, I really needed that you have no idea. I have been told by psychologists that I am gifted and should go into that field, the last one was a Dr. of Child psychology and college professor that came out to my farm with her grand daughter. What that psychologist missed is what she saw that she liked so much was something I was already doing in what I did with children. I did not tell her that I was suffering from PTSD and what she got a glimpse of had been so badly damaged and I could not get professionals like her to understand how important it was along with the true value of the ponies I lost that I trained to do what I had been doing with them with young children. It was not just the animals I lost, it was also my sense of having a "safe" environment to do what I had been doing.

My last therapist felt that I not only suffered from PTSD, that turned into Complex PTSD, but also complicated grief disorder.

So yes, a lot of over thinking was used up during this healing process so far. I'm not better , just different place right now, still fragile, still scared, still tired, terrorized by memories.

I know just how this is.

Another problem I have been battling is I live where a lot of trauma took place so my home environment triggers me. I want to "love" and "enjoy" my farm and if you saw it you would understand why, but at the same time this place I love so much also triggers me. The way I struggle is like suddenly I am cloaked in body memories and hypervigilance and I try to fight it but I end up in a lot of pain down my arms and across my chest. I struggled to go in the riding ring, often had flashbacks and bad emotional flashbacks when I tried to work with the ponies in that ring too.

I had such a hard time doing jobs away from the farm because I was afraid to leave because that's when my neighbors let their dog out seeing I was not home and it targeted all my ponies and horses. I felt so much guilt because I did not catch on soon enough. My neighbor's knew I did not want their dogs on my property. They had two dogs, and they had put in an underground electric fence. One stayed in that fence but the other one would not and they tied it. That dog would break off the tie every so often and I would yell out and they would apologize and fix the tie. That dog did not target my ponies, but it was a concern because it is not safe for me to do my lessons with these very young children and risk a pony possibly spooking.

I thought they got the message, I was so nice to them too and my husband always plowed them out too. Well, when their electric containment system failed they did not spend the "money" to fix it and began letting that dog out when they noticed I was not home or late at night when I was in bed. That dog was Akita/chow/pit bull mix and they are not only stalkers, but the Akita stalks and doesn't bark and they like to chase and get the prey all worked up and they get a high from that and they keep the chasing because they get such a high from it.

As a result, I faced several that choked, a pony that severely coliced, a pony that suffered a fractured pelvis, damaged hip joint and torn ligaments and my daughter's expensive show horse suffered torn suspensories, another pony had high suspensory damage, another one had sustained damage that was not seen until he had an MRI. Two ended up dying and I never got to investigate how my horse was hurt and just hoped whatever it was would heal with time. I still have ones that were injured that can't be ridden or used. I had to hand walk so many so much that I ended up with severe planter's faceitus in my feet. It got so bad I struggled to walk and had to have injections and special sneakers and othotics made for my feet. I tried to walk down my driveway in the shade and my neighbor would drive by almost hitting me. One of the ones I did that with had a bandage around her neck with an catheter in her neck as I had to run an IV three times a day, my neighbor's did not care. I tried so hard to save her for a couple of months and I lost the battle and shortly after that I just collapsed.

I had bad therapy and if you read my records you would get angry. Then I could not afford therapy, we could not afford to pay insurance either, and I just got one sound enough to sell and my husband went to bed and would not get up or pay the bills for a couple of months. I used the money I got for the horse to keep us afloat. It should have gone towards paying down the huge debt I had accumulated from so much damage.

Oh, I could go on and on about all that I have had to deal with since then too. A lot of sad here where I live and I have been trying to find my way and it's been very hard.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Thank you so much for that compliment Trace, I really needed that you have no idea. I have been told by psychologists that I am gifted and should go into that field, the last one was a Dr. of Child psychology and college professor that came out to my farm with her grand daughter. What that psychologist missed is what she saw that she liked so much was something I was already doing in what I did with children. I did not tell her that I was suffering from PTSD and what she got a glimpse of had been so badly damaged and I could not get professionals like her to understand how important it was along with the true value of the ponies I lost that I trained to do what I had been doing with them with young children. It was not just the animals I lost, it was also my sense of having a "safe" environment to do what I had been doing.

My last therapist felt that I not only suffered from PTSD, that turned into Complex PTSD, but also complicated grief disorder.


I know just how this is.

Another problem I have been battling is I live where a lot of trauma took place so my home environment triggers me. I want to "love" and "enjoy" my farm and if you saw it you would understand why, but at the same time this place I love so much also triggers me. The way I struggle is like suddenly I am cloaked in body memories and hypervigilance and I try to fight it but I end up in a lot of pain down my arms and across my chest. I struggled to go in the riding ring, often had flashbacks and bad emotional flashbacks when I tried to work with the ponies in that ring too.

I had such a hard time doing jobs away from the farm because I was afraid to leave because that's when my neighbors let their dog out seeing I was not home and it targeted all my ponies and horses. I felt so much guilt because I did not catch on soon enough. My neighbor's knew I did not want their dogs on my property. They had two dogs, and they had put in an underground electric fence. One stayed in that fence but the other one would not and they tied it. That dog would break off the tie every so often and I would yell out and they would apologize and fix the tie. That dog did not target my ponies, but it was a concern because it is not safe for me to do my lessons with these very young children and risk a pony possibly spooking.

I thought they got the message, I was so nice to them too and my husband always plowed them out too. Well, when their electric containment system failed they did not spend the "money" to fix it and began letting that dog out when they noticed I was not home or late at night when I was in bed. That dog was Akita/chow/pit bull mix and they are not only stalkers, but the Akita stalks and doesn't bark and they like to chase and get the prey all worked up and they get a high from that and they keep the chasing because they get such a high from it.

As a result, I faced several that choked, a pony that severely coliced, a pony that suffered a fractured pelvis, damaged hip joint and torn ligaments and my daughter's expensive show horse suffered torn suspensories, another pony had high suspensory damage, another one had sustained damage that was not seen until he had an MRI. Two ended up dying and I never got to investigate how my horse was hurt and just hoped whatever it was would heal with time. I still have ones that were injured that can't be ridden or used. I had to hand walk so many so much that I ended up with severe planter's faceitus in my feet. It got so bad I struggled to walk and had to have injections and special sneakers and othotics made for my feet. I tried to walk down my driveway in the shade and my neighbor would drive by almost hitting me. One of the ones I did that with had a bandage around her neck with an catheter in her neck as I had to run an IV three times a day, my neighbor's did not care. I tried so hard to save her for a couple of months and I lost the battle and shortly after that I just collapsed.

I had bad therapy and if you read my records you would get angry. Then I could not afford therapy, we could not afford to pay insurance either, and I just got one sound enough to sell and my husband went to bed and would not get up or pay the bills for a couple of months. I used the money I got for the horse to keep us afloat. It should have gone towards paying down the huge debt I had accumulated from so much damage.

Oh, I could go on and on about all that I have had to deal with since then too. A lot of sad here where I live and I have been trying to find my way and it's been very hard.

There is a lot of sad there and a opportunity to honor their spirit there too. You and your husband went through a very difficult time and still do with this I'm sure. But you've handled it well to get to this point of where you are at. I'm sure that farm is wonderful and has a lot of good memories. Enjoy those.
On a happier note.......I have told you from the beginning that you had a gift with talking with people and you seem very interested in learning more about how to do that. Might as well put this to good use and get enrolled in school to get that certification. But that's up to you. You do have a gift for it though and I appreciate all the help you have been to me over the years.