[Tphillips117]

Hi,

I have a lot of problems on my hands. I am separating from my husband after nearly 14 years because he just cannot be emotionally supportive through my long standing complex PTSD and Depression. I have struggled so much! He just cannot understand what happens to me and leaves me to care for our three kids while I fight to stay present and patient. It is a battle every moment of every day. I am the poster woman for every single Complex PTSD symptom. I have been to inpatient and residential treatment centers. I've been in therapy consistently for 6 years. I've been a guinea pig for the pharmaceutical companies and my various psychiatrists.

Because my husband has become an adversarial person in my life, I have totally turned on him in my mind as the enemy. I only see him as someone who causes me pain. We cannot talk to each other without escalating to fighting and this affects our kids greatly. As of late, I have been driven to the precipice of acting out in a dissociative rage. All of a sudden, I flip a switch inside my head and I react without thinking. It is impulsive and terrifying. I am afraid that I will hurt him. Because of this, I have asked that he not be in my presence and that we only interact through text. I am terrified of my pent up anger and my ability to lose space and time and react in such a manor. Does anyone understand this? I feel so scared and alone and I desperately need support from others going through what I'm going through.

Please help!
*

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Tphillips117

Hi,

I have a lot of problems on my hands. I am separating from my husband after nearly 14 years because he just cannot be emotionally supportive through my long standing complex PTSD and Depression. I have struggled so much! He just cannot understand what happens to me and leaves me to care for our three kids while I fight to stay present and patient. It is a battle every moment of every day. I am the poster woman for every single Complex PTSD symptom. I have been to inpatient and residential treatment centers. I've been in therapy consistently for 6 years. I've been a guinea pig for the pharmaceutical companies and my various psychiatrists.

Because my husband has become an adversarial person in my life, I have totally turned on him in my mind as the enemy. I only see him as someone who causes me pain. We cannot talk to each other without escalating to fighting and this affects our kids greatly. As of late, I have been driven to the precipice of acting out in a dissociative rage. All of a sudden, I flip a switch inside my head and I react without thinking. It is impulsive and terrifying. I am afraid that I will hurt him. Because of this, I have asked that he not be in my presence and that we only interact through text. I am terrified of my pent up anger and my ability to lose space and time and react in such a manor. Does anyone understand this? I feel so scared and alone and I desperately need support from others going through what I'm going through.

Please help!
*

I'm not going through the same thing but it's not hard to see how painful all this is for you. Are you actively seeing a therapist now? On medications? Have you talked about all this with your therapist? We can support you here but what you are talking about will need some support above most of our levels. But you are welcome here and I hope things get better. Are you sure moving out is the best for you? Really thought this through? Only you know what you really need and it is very important to take care of you.

[Tphillips117]

Originally Posted by Trace14

I'm not going through the same thing but it's not hard to see how painful all this is for you. Are you actively seeing a therapist now? On medications? Have you talked about all this with your therapist? We can support you here but what you are talking about will need some support above most of our levels. But you are welcome here and I hope things get better. Are you sure moving out is the best for you? Really thought this through? Only you know what you really need and it is very important to take care of you.

Yes, I have an amazing therapist and psychiatrist. I am on meds, although they seem more of a bandaid that actual help. I am hopefully headed to residential treatment for trauma/PTSD very soon (pending insurance approval). I need a break. I can't focus on my current life with my symptoms always intruding.

Yes also to getting away from my husband. He triggers all my abandonment issues and depression and I'd rather spend my life alone than deal with that constant pain. I feel like I'm on fire and instead of him pouring a bucket of water on me, he just fans the flames. He says he understands what im going through, but if actually did, he wouldn't be the gasoline source to my suffering.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Tphillips117

Yes, I have an amazing therapist and psychiatrist. I am on meds, although they seem more of a bandaid that actual help. I am hopefully headed to residential treatment for trauma/PTSD very soon (pending insurance approval). I need a break. I can't focus on my current life with my symptoms always intruding.

Yes also to getting away from my husband. He triggers all my abandonment issues and depression and I'd rather spend my life alone than deal with that constant pain. I feel like I'm on fire and instead of him pouring a bucket of water on me, he just fans the flames. He says he understands what im going through, but if actually did, he wouldn't be the gasoline source to my suffering.

Well you should be proud of yourself for recognizing these problems and distancing yourself from them for the good of everyone. I hope you can get into the residential treatment center soon and maybe at some point get some couples counseling to get a better understanding of each other and see if it can be worked out. Sometimes it can't and a therapist should be able to offer an objective view on that. I have a friend and he and his wife can not live together. They are legally married but drive each other crazy when they are together. But when they live in separate places they get along great, go on dates, go on trips, it's really odd but it works for them. I wish you the best with this, I really do. Your family deserves to be happy, but some changes may need to be made to make that happen. I think you are open minded enough to see that. That's wonderful.

[Open Eyes]

YESI can relate to what you are saying in how your husband can fan the flames instead of helping you cool down. I actually know what you are describing where he can push you into such an angry state too. I have experienced that myself. My last therapist had to sit and talk to my husband and while that helped a tiny bit, I still had problems with him fanning the flames.

If you can get a break from this routine and have time just for "you" that will help.

[Tphillips117]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

YESI can relate to what you are saying in how your husband can fan the flames instead of helping you cool down. I actually know what you are describing where he can push you into such an angry state too. I have experienced that myself. My last therapist had to sit and talk to my husband and while that helped a tiny bit, I still had problems with him fanning the flames.

If you can get a break from this routine and have time just for "you" that will help.

Its so sad to me. I just turned 40 years old. I met my husband when I just turned 20, so hes been in my life for half of my life. He promised to love me and take care of me. I promised the same to him. So here we are, with three kids whom we both love to the deapths of our souls, but literally cannot stand each other. I have made some major mistakes in this marriage. I have not been even close to perfect at times. I feel like I have been accountable, and I have sincerely made changes where change was needed and requested of me. I have titan strength and resilency, even when all I want to do is curl up into a ball and never leave my bed. My kids count on me. Its so hard to take care of them in the ways in which I feel like they need me. Complex PTSD has taken so much from my life and reduced me to a shell of a human being. I feel like its an acid that has eaten away at my soul and left me hollow and empty. Im either crazy mad and frustrated or just empty. Unless you go through this, I cant imagine being able to understand how dibiltating it is.

I just need some people in my life to say "I know exactly what you are going through", because I feel like a freak.

[Open Eyes]

What do you do for "yourself"? It sounds like you are experiencing a burn out. Being a mother is a lot of work.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Tphillips117

Its so sad to me. I just turned 40 years old. I met my husband when I just turned 20, so hes been in my life for half of my life. He promised to love me and take care of me. I promised the same to him. So here we are, with three kids whom we both love to the deapths of our souls, but literally cannot stand each other. I have made some major mistakes in this marriage. I have not been even close to perfect at times. I feel like I have been accountable, and I have sincerely made changes where change was needed and requested of me. I have titan strength and resilency, even when all I want to do is curl up into a ball and never leave my bed. My kids count on me. Its so hard to take care of them in the ways in which I feel like they need me. Complex PTSD has taken so much from my life and reduced me to a shell of a human being. I feel like its an acid that has eaten away at my soul and left me hollow and empty. Im either crazy mad and frustrated or just empty. Unless you go through this, I cant imagine being able to understand how dibiltating it is.

I just need some people in my life to say "I know exactly what you are going through", because I feel like a freak.

Well I'm not in your life but I certainly understand, especially the feeling like a shell of a person. I expect if I lived in the same situation I would feel the anger as well. You remind me of a friend. She stayed at home till the last child moved out. But she said everytime she and her husband passed each other in the hall it was like two cats bristling up. They finally separated and both are happy and they can actually be friends. Mostly because of the kids and grandkids. The thing is most people outside of the house never knew just how bad it was. But she started planning her escape, getting information on finances, his retirement plans, where accounts were, etc. So her attorney could get what was due to her. Good thing she did because when he got wind she was leaving he started moving money and trying to hide it from her. Just a little info there. There's just no way others can fairly see the problem without living it. They usually side with one or the other, not wanting to accept that it takes two to make it work. So....you are not a freak because others don't understand....that's just human nature. You may want to seriously consider options, maybe even talk to an attorney, before something bad happens or it puts such trauma on the kids.
Did you say you have a T? On meds for anxiety? That would also be a good thing to do. Not that your crazy but chemicals may be off balance because of the trauma, depression, anxiety. Take care of yourself. You can make it through this. We are here for you.

You're not a freak, not in the least.

I don't know how non-PTSD people cope with emotionless/unsupportive marriages. But when you throw in something like PTSD....and you're with someone who doesn't even try to meet your needs?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Tphillips117

Its so sad to me. I just turned 40 years old. I met my husband when I just turned 20, so hes been in my life for half of my life. He promised to love me and take care of me. I promised the same to him. So here we are, with three kids whom we both love to the deapths of our souls, but literally cannot stand each other. I have made some major mistakes in this marriage. I have not been even close to perfect at times. I feel like I have been accountable, and I have sincerely made changes where change was needed and requested of me. I have titan strength and resilency, even when all I want to do is curl up into a ball and never leave my bed. My kids count on me. Its so hard to take care of them in the ways in which I feel like they need me. Complex PTSD has taken so much from my life and reduced me to a shell of a human being. I feel like its an acid that has eaten away at my soul and left me hollow and empty. Im either crazy mad and frustrated or just empty. Unless you go through this, I cant imagine being able to understand how dibiltating it is.

I just need some people in my life to say "I know exactly what you are going through", because I feel like a freak.

How are you doing?