My world is falling apart.

Apologies for long post. I'll try to explain as best I can.
I am the 39-yr old mother of an exceptionally special needs Autistic and Intellectually Delay child, I myself am diabetic (4 insulin shots a day), CPTSD, OCD, and severe Anxiety/Depression disorder. I care for him 24-7 on my own at home, no help available whatsoever. My son has explosive meltdowns, severe manic episodes, and gets extremely violent and aggressive. He harms himself, others, and has caused thousands of dollars worth of property damage in the last year alone. And has been hospitalized in psych care for this countless times since he was 2. And to top it all off, I have the worst narcissistic ex bf (my son's stepfather) lurking around "To help out" and despite my many attempts, he will not leave.
This has been my life every day for the last 8 years. The constant meltdowns, getting beaten up by my 9-year old several times a day, my house getting destroyed, all while there is a man sitting on my couch, acting like my son and I dont even exist. (Unless he needs or wants something, of course!) Him even being here is a constant ptsd trigger, and my son's abusive behaviors trigger me as well. I'm averaging roughly 10 panic attacks per day now, and my anxiety stays so high that I am losing weight and blood sugar levels are up and down.
I'm weak, exhausted, and worn down. Have been for months. I feel the need to cry, but no tears well up. So I sit in shivering silence until it passes. I can't take anymore. I have given until I have nothing left of myself. I am empty, alone, and dying inside. Trapped in this situation and falling apart. Don't know what to do.

You do have a lot on you. Have you reached out for support and help through social services and mental health resources? You really need some intense help with that situation and you must be a very strong person to have made it this long in those conditions. Do you have a local crisis line you could call?
This is not a healthy environment for you or your son. Could you take him to the hospital and see if they can help with medications or placement of him until you can get yourself together? We have group homes here where children with special needs stay with trained providers and caretakers. The family can come visit and spend time with them. But the main thing is they get the medication and therapy they need. Plus gives the parents a break who are totally exhausted on many levels. Finding places like this doesn't mean you don't love your child, or that you have given up on him. Just the opposite that you are trying to give him a better life and with you getting help yourself while knowing he is safe is going to give him a more healthy mom. Please look into something where you both can get to be in a healthful and safe environment.

I 2nd that. I can't even imagine going through what you are going through. It tells me that you are a very strong person, and with the right resources behind you, you can overcome these hurdles and continue on with a good life for yourself AND your son. Hugs out to you!

I do have my son in every in-home service you could think of, and he has been hospitalized and in group homes countless times since he was 2. It seems as though every time he is put in placement, I get time to take care of myself and rest when I need to, but as soon as he comes back home, it goes right back to not being able to do what I need for myself. I literally have no life outside of my house when he is here. He is in psych placement now, but I was told he may be coming back home in a few weeks, maybe. I'm already nervous and afraid. I've had my face broken ( kicked right below the left eye, deep facial fracture), had my hair ripped out...you name it. And he has done so much property damage that we are at risk for eviction. His psychiatrist has suggested that I consider some type of long-term/permanent placement for him. Plus, the local school system has all but given up on him. I feel awful. I've done everything I can think of to help him and nothing works. I feel like a failure as a parent.

It doesn't sound to me, that you have failed your son in anyway. As you say, you'very done everything you can to help him, it sounds exhausting. Maybe a long term placement will help all of you. I remind myself of the emergency talks they give on airplanes, that if the oxygen masks come down, it is yours that you must put on first. If you are trying to meet the complex needs of your son 24/7, how can you even start to look after your own needs? Being in placement, doesn't mean you stop being his mum, it just means that he can get intensive specialist care and you can look after your well-being, so that when you do spend time together, you may both enjoy that time better.

I don't think you have failed him at all. Things are going on with him that you have no control over. It's not like if you spend more time with him he will get better, or you love him more he will get better. What he needs is outside of what you can humanly do for him. He sounds a lot like my cousin. He did the same things to my aunt and her home. Everyone was afraid of him. He had to go to a permanent placement and it was better for everyone eventually. My aunt had problems with it at first, but once she got on her own anxiety meds and going to therapy she was much better and saw how the placement was for everyone's safety and happiness. She one made the mistake to take him out and bring him home because he was doing so well......that's when he really went wild at her house and broke her nose. It was a big issue to get him back in the system then. So let that experience be a heads up for you.
My aunt was having the same feelings you are. It is hard to understand and accept. But when there's absolutely nothing you can do, you have to hand this over to someone who can help him before he does something that he may be jailed for. With that I mean a mental health jail. Give it some thought. I know it's hard but I feel like you will do the right thing. We are here for you.

Thank you all for being so understanding and supportive! I went to visit him over the weekend and yesterday (he's in psych hospital now), and as usual, he is extremely hyper, defiant, and aggressive. I literally could not keep up with him, and after a two-hour visit I was was not only a nervous wreck, but I was exhausted to the point of feeling sick.
I was given a copy of his behavior mod plan to use at home, and it is ridiculous. It was written more for hospital staff use than anything. Meaning, it would work if I had people living here with us. There is no way I can do all of this on my own! Every day I am faced with the reality that I may have to put him in some type of permanent placement, and it guts me every time. Plus Im afraid of what it would require to do that, and what such a big change would do to my son. I just wish that there were a way to help him in that way, but still be able to still be in his life. I'm terrified for us both, and have no idea what to do.

I know this is very hard for you. I can't imagine the push and pull of the heart that's going on with you right now. There's no reason that you couldn't be part of his life if he was in a permanent facility, unless a judge finds that there is some reason for that. You have to weigh the pros and cons of every option. Is there a Social Services person you could talk to about this. My concern for you is that if you don't make a decision yourself that the State may make the decision for you. I don't know maybe that would be better and take the guilt from you. This is a very complex situation and nothing about it will be easy. Just keep in mind that whatever you do is for the best for everyone.

You are not a failure, you are in a living hell afraid of your own child that "can" and "has" physically hurt you.

I am wondering if you can keep him in some kind of care because you are SO challenged with your own mental health issues.

Thank you, I am trying and fighting every day as best as I can. I would like to seek out a social service worker to get some solid info from. But on the other hand, I feel that really need to speak with my therapist about all of this first (more in-depth, she doesn't know the full extent of the situation on my part), and also, I have a deep fear of Social service workers due to what I've seen other parents go through around here, plus I had an awful experience a few years ago because I had to report my son's daycare to CPS. I've met a few that were downright rude, cold, and heartless. Not to mention judgmental. It is tearing me apart knowing that I can't handle my son on my own anymore, but terrified of asking for permanent help for him. I'm praying my Psych may have a few ideas.

I just wish I could find other parents that have been in a situation such as mine. I feel so completely alone in this. It would help me immensely to just...talk to someone who understands what we're really going through here. And maybe bring some advice.

That is truly a main issue here at home-I NEVER get time for myself. I miss out on sleep, showers, eating properly, doctor appointments..everything! Never a moment's peace! I've tried taking my son out with me for shopping, doc appointments, etc., with disastrous results every time. This has been my life for 8 years. I'm 2 years overdue for a hysterectomy, and about 3 years overdue for dental surgery. I just can't take care of me!

Have you tried the Partners of People & Caregivers Support forum. I know they talk a lot about issues with being a caregiver. You might want to read through those posts and see if there's anyone facing the same situation.