[Trace14]

Trigger***********Trigger***********Trigger********

Just talked to a guy I have spoken to in years. He was on a call I was on as a police officer. He was swinging a knife, I got a good hit with the night stick and took him down. He was out of his mind with drugs and alcohol. Had to take to the hospital for his laceration to the head and odd behavior before taking him to jail. Anyway the case was heard and it was over with.
Years later I hear that this guy killed his wife and infant son. He died by electrocution, his choice.
Anyway, I have always had guilty feeling for not shooting him when I had every right to with him swinging a knife at me and other people. Maybe if that would have happened that lady would still be alive. It's a heavy burden to carry. A lot of flash backs and dissociation tonight

[reb569]

I'm sorry that you are carrying this guilt around about this. None of us can tell the future, and as police officers, I'm sure that you are trained to use the least possible force to subdue someone. You did your job and did what you had to at the time.

Be kind to yourself. Don't blame yourself for what happened later. He's the one that did it, not you. Hugs to you.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I'm sorry that you are carrying this guilt around about this. None of us can tell the future, and as police officers, I'm sure that you are trained to use the least possible force to subdue someone. You did your job and did what you had to at the time.

Be kind to yourself. Don't blame yourself for what happened later. He's the one that did it, not you. Hugs to you.

I know that's true but it doesn't change what the heart feels. There's a lot of guilt I'm carrying.

[reb569]

I totally understand.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I totally understand.

I think you may understand on a certain level, but not totally, but thanks for understanding what parts I've shared.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I totally understand.

Do you go to the VA for treatment? Or private insurance/or both?

[reb569]

I do private. There actually is a VA office fairly close by, but I've never gone there. It's a pretty new office. Years ago when I was working a job that had no insurance, I would have had to go 120 miles to the nearest VA clinic. After I get a job with coverage, they open a clinic 8 miles away. LOL

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I do private. There actually is a VA office fairly close by, but I've never gone there. It's a pretty new office. Years ago when I was working a job that had no insurance, I would have had to go 120 miles to the nearest VA clinic. After I get a job with coverage, they open a clinic 8 miles away. LOL

You are better off with private anyway. Government is the government , hurry up and wait.

[reb569]

I think if I was in a situation where I didn't have insurance now I would probably go there, but the way I look at it, there are a lot of veterans who have no other options and I'd rather they get the services they need rather than me getting them when I can get them through my insurance.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I think if I was in a situation where I didn't have insurance now I would probably go there, but the way I look at it, there are a lot of veterans who have no other options and I'd rather they get the services they need rather than me getting them when I can get them through my insurance.

That's the way I felt until I had no option. Never been to the VA until 3.5 years ago. Glad it's there though.

[OliverB]

Originally Posted by Trace14

I know that's true but it doesn't change what the heart feels. There's a lot of guilt I'm carrying.

I couldn't save my younger sister, but I couldn't do anything different by then. For a different reason than you, and I was in a different position too, but the guilty of knowing if I have done something different she might be here...I guess it is a similar sense of guilty.

Carrying someone's death in the hearth is horrible. But I believe we never know what is happening next and we cannot know it, so we chose what it is the best with the information we have at the moment, we cannot be asked more.

[Open Eyes]

Trace, you have a theme of guilt when it comes to how things involving others that resulted in bad endings may have been prevented if you did something different. You have to work towards not punishing yourself for other people's choices that ended up where something bad happened.

This challenge fits into "survivor's guilt" where a person really struggles with coming to a point in themselves to come to an understanding that whatever was lost really was not their fault in any way. I have struggled with this challenge myself, I was so angry with myself for not recognizing a danger sooner that could have prevented something traumatic from happening.

Reality is that no matter how much one tries to prevent and care, things can happen that are bad or traumatic anyway.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by OliverB

I couldn't save my younger sister, but I couldn't do anything different by then. For a different reason than you, and I was in a different position too, but the guilty of knowing if I have done something different she might be here...I guess it is a similar sense of guilty.

Carrying someone's death in the hearth is horrible. But I believe we never know what is happening next and we cannot know it, so we chose what it is the best with the information we have at the moment, we cannot be asked more.

Very wise Oliver. Sometimes it's hard though to get the head to over rule what is felt in the heart. Something I do need to work on though.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Trace, you have a theme of guilt when it comes to how things involving others that resulted in bad endings may have been prevented if you did something different. You have to work towards not punishing yourself for other people's choices that ended up where something bad happened.

This challenge fits into "survivor's guilt" where a person really struggles with coming to a point in themselves to come to an understanding that whatever was lost really was not their fault in any way. I have struggled with this challenge myself, I was so angry with myself for not recognizing a danger sooner that could have prevented something traumatic from happening.

Reality is that no matter how much one tries to prevent and care, things can happen that are bad or traumatic anyway.

As I told Oliver it's hard to get the head on the right track when the heart is saying something different. Kind of like golf.....if my putting is good , my drives stink, if my putting is bad , my drives are good. Just hard to get it all together. I think there are different levels of guilt. When it comes to someone else's life or future, it's a stronger guilt.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I know, it takes time to get to a level where you can finally accept that what happened, happened and there was nothing you could do to really prevent it. You really had no idea these tragedies were going to take place. I think you put a lot of effort into having a sense of "control" in your life. You were trying so hard to make up for whatever you did not have too. Deep down, you are a good person and you deserve to be forgiven by yourself.

It's hard to find one's way toward letting go of guilt and regret. I am still working through that myself.

This isn't your fault Trace… there was no way you could have known. Wouldn't you also have felt guilty if you shot him when you had the chance too? Sometimes we have to take a deep breath and move on… on things we can't change, then dwelling on it and letting it bring us down. (((hugs)))

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Yes, I know, it takes time to get to a level where you can finally accept that what happened, happened and there was nothing you could do to really prevent it. You really had no idea these tragedies were going to take place. I think you put a lot of effort into having a sense of "control" in your life. You were trying so hard to make up for whatever you did not have too. Deep down, you are a good person and you deserve to be forgiven by yourself.

It's hard to find one's way toward letting go of guilt and regret. I am still working through that myself.

There's just so much to untangle from guilt. If we had been able to change things would they have been better? Could things have been worse? I think they could. As bad as the situations were they could have been worse. Or maybe better, it's that knowing that will probably keep us volleying with that feeling of guilt until the day we die.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by DaX15

This isn't your fault Trace… there was no way you could have known. Wouldn't you also have felt guilty if you shot him when you had the chance too? Sometimes we have to take a deep breath and move on… on things we can't change, then dwelling on it and letting it bring us down. (((hugs)))

Of course I would have felt bad if I had shot him but I don't know if it would have been guilty. He was trying to take the lives of three other people including myself. Making that call is not something a police officer takes lightly. There's a lot of training that goes into trying to make those split second decisions of acting to save a life by taking another. I think shooting someone would haunt you till the day you die, as with military people. I guess it depends on the person to. I have never been one to want to hurt anyone in any way. There was another situation where I could have shot and didn't and it worked out okay.

Trace, I'm really sorry you are carrying so much guilt.

I imagine something like this can tap into feelings of powerlessness and helplessness too.

What kind of therapy are you in? Does it help to talk with a therapist about the guilt?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Skies

Trace, I'm really sorry you are carrying so much guilt.

I imagine something like this can tap into feelings of powerlessness and helplessness too.

What kind of therapy are you in? Does it help to talk with a therapist about the guilt?

It does help to talk about the guilt but it's a short term help. It will be okay for a while then it crops back up again. Right now I'm doing the PE Prolonged Exposure Therapy through the VA, it's different and hard. Just have to stay focused on that light at the end of the tunnel and keep fighting to get there.
I think any therapy should be hard. To get better we have to be nudged outside our comfort zone to get some changes to occur. I have seen that staying in my regular thought patterns are not a benefit to me. They are more comfortable, but if they were the correct thought patterns I would be feeling better and not needing a therapist to help me. As Kati Morton says "It's a process, not perfection"

[Open Eyes]

One of the things that trauma does is that it leaves someone feeling guilt, but also struggling on a very deep level with their ability to have control over their lives and protecting the things that are important to them.

I think for myself I allowed myself to care too much and that left me open to being hurt.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

One of the things that trauma does is that it leaves someone feeling guilt, but also struggling on a very deep level with their ability to have control over their lives and protecting the things that are important to them.

I think for myself I allowed myself to care too much and that left me open to being hurt.

Caring too much does leave you open and vulnerable, but that's who we are and that's not going to change. But we can reduce our risks by being more careful with how we react to situations and if we see red flags to back out of the situation. I'm trying to work my boundaries more and that's hard, when I hardly ever say no to anyone for anything.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I can relate.

I've never done that therapy, so I dont know much about it. Really hope it helps you.

Do feel comforted in that therapy or do you have anyone who helps you feel comforted?

Maybe that's not something you need, I don't know, but hopefully you don't have to be so hard on yourself.

Originally Posted by Trace14

It does help to talk about the guilt but it's a short term help. It will be okay for a while then it crops back up again. Right now I'm doing the PE Prolonged Exposure Therapy through the VA, it's different and hard. Just have to stay focused on that light at the end of the tunnel and keep fighting to get there.
I think any therapy should be hard. To get better we have to be nudged outside our comfort zone to get some changes to occur. I have seen that staying in my regular thought patterns are not a benefit to me. They are more comfortable, but if they were the correct thought patterns I would be feeling better and not needing a therapist to help me. As Kati Morton says "It's a process, not perfection"