[MtnTime2896]

"You survived it. You made it. You're not there anymore."

I've heard this a lot, from friends and professionals. They're not necessarily wrong as I'm still very much alive and kicking. My mind, though, that's what is missing out of this equation. So, all of that, "You made it" and crap; it's not entirely accurate.

Then some people get annoyed with what I'm able to do and, even more noticeably, what I'm incapable of doing. "What happened to you? You used to be so alive."

I can't seem to make people see, let alone understand, that a piece of me died. When it was ripped out of me, the remains fragmented. And it's all split and can't seem to be glued back together.

What if what kills me is the same **** everyone thought I survived?

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

"You survived it. You made it. You're not there anymore."

I've heard this a lot, from friends and professionals. They're not necessarily wrong as I'm still very much alive and kicking. My mind, though, that's what is missing out of this equation. So, all of that, "You made it" and crap; it's not entirely accurate.

Then some people get annoyed with what I'm able to do and, even more noticeably, what I'm incapable of doing. "What happened to you? You used to be so alive."

I can't seem to make people see, let alone understand, that a piece of me died. When it was ripped out of me, the remains fragmented. And it's all split and can't seem to be glued back together.

What if what kills me is the same **** everyone thought I survived?

in a way...you're right...part of you died. And yes you survived. I totally identify with you feeling fragmented. I spent years feeling like that. I felt like I was left with the task of trying to glue the pieces of my life back together without a set of instructions.

For people who come from normal happy families their upbringing is the set of instructions. For those of us without this roadmap we're left to try to create ourselves from scratch. Most difficult task we will ever have.

But it can be done. That's th good news. I've had to create and recreate myself over and over. Each time it's a little bit better.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

"You survived it. You made it. You're not there anymore."

I've heard this a lot, from friends and professionals. They're not necessarily wrong as I'm still very much alive and kicking. My mind, though, that's what is missing out of this equation. So, all of that, "You made it" and crap; it's not entirely accurate.

Then some people get annoyed with what I'm able to do and, even more noticeably, what I'm incapable of doing. "What happened to you? You used to be so alive."

I can't seem to make people see, let alone understand, that a piece of me died. When it was ripped out of me, the remains fragmented. And it's all split and can't seem to be glued back together.

What if what kills me is the same **** everyone thought I survived?

First thing that came to mind here was the "half empty, half full" example. We are half empty or even more or less from our bad experiences. But there is still some good and life left within us. That's what we have to work with and should nourish that to overcome the empty. Just a thought.

[MtnTime2896]

I wish I could just see the glass as half full, but to be honest I don't even see the glass. It's frustrating to say the least.

Thanks for being here. My thoughts tonight aren't much better, even if I'm distracted. Tonight, my focus has been locked onto something else tonight. A friend of mine, my best friend, is in a crisis. I'm pretty sure she's asleep now after talking her down and off the edge. Gonna be looking into IP for her tomorrow with her T. I wish I could protect her, you know?

Anyway, those are my thoughts tonight. Again, thanks for being here.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I wish I could just see the glass as half full, but to be honest I don't even see the glass. It's frustrating to say the least.

Thanks for being here. My thoughts tonight aren't much better, even if I'm distracted. Tonight, my focus has been locked onto something else tonight. A friend of mine, my best friend, is in a crisis. I'm pretty sure she's asleep now after talking her down and off the edge. Gonna be looking into IP for her tomorrow with her T. I wish I could protect her, you know?

Anyway, those are my thoughts tonight. Again, thanks for being here.

You are the glass and your are part full, maybe not half, but there's something there no doubt. You are a good friend to help someone that is hurting so much. Putting that time into helping her is a sign of a very special person, which I've never doubted that you are. Yes, it would be good to pull all the people we care about under our wing and protect and love them so they would feel that. We can just do what we can though. Keep us posted on your friend. I hope she's open to going into IP and trying it.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Trace14

You are the glass and your are part full, maybe not half, but there's something there no doubt. You are a good friend to help someone that is hurting so much. Putting that time into helping her is a sign of a very special person, which I've never doubted that you are. Yes, it would be good to pull all the people we care about under our wing and protect and love them so they would feel that. We can just do what we can though. Keep us posted on your friend. I hope she's open to going into IP and trying it.

Trace14,

The words are just escaping me tonight, so my posts feel bare to me. Thanks for putting things well ~ as they're words that I wanted to say as well!

So' leigheas, you are doing a very good thing for your friend. Kudos to you!

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Trace14,

The words are just escaping me tonight, so my posts feel bare to me. Thanks for putting things well ~ as they're words that I wanted to say as well!

So' leigheas, you are doing a very good thing for your friend. Kudos to you!

Ahhhh thanks. Just speaking from the heart and sometimes that eludes us all

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( So leigheas )))))))))

[MtnTime2896]

She's not too open to IP, though she has pretty valid fears regarding her family. She has been open to staying with me until Wednesday when she has her T appointment. From there we'll see.

My own thoughts are difficult tonight. I'm keeping it together, though. I don't know why but when I know someone needs me, I'm able to numb my emotions and sort of deal that way.

That's what's on my mind tonight. Again, thanks for being here.

[elevatedsoul]

for me... when they say this... it makes me feel like this...

i haven't survived it yet... i am still experiencing it...
i am still reliving it everyday...
its still living inside of me...

how have i survived...? survived is past tense...
i have to make it past it...
its still in my mind and just as real in my mind as it was then...

my mind is warped... and they cant understand how it feels...
how it feels to feel these things... to live like this... to experience this...
everyday... all day...

i just try to breathe... and tell myself that i am present in this moment...
i end up isolating myself

i feel so complicated... i just want to be alone... want to be away from everyone...
i feel like i hate people
but i love people so much... i want to be around people and have fun...
i want people to care for me... but i dont want to get attached to people because everytime i do they hurt me.... but i want to get attached to someone because i want to feel the connection and be loved...

its such a dilemma that i have to live with... and for them to say that i survived is just wrong because i am trying to survive, everyday i am fighting to survive...

they just dont understand...

im sorry you are struggling and hurt

these things really suck... i dont know if anyone relate to me...
but i really care for the people that understand... i wish we could all come together and form a community and live in peace together...

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

She's not too open to IP, though she has pretty valid fears regarding her family. She has been open to staying with me until Wednesday when she has her T appointment. From there we'll see.

My own thoughts are difficult tonight. I'm keeping it together, though. I don't know why but when I know someone needs me, I'm able to numb my emotions and sort of deal that way.

That's what's on my mind tonight. Again, thanks for being here.

You are a good person and good friend.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

"You survived it. You made it. You're not there anymore."

I've heard this a lot, from friends and professionals. They're not necessarily wrong as I'm still very much alive and kicking. My mind, though, that's what is missing out of this equation. So, all of that, "You made it" and crap; it's not entirely accurate.

Then some people get annoyed with what I'm able to do and, even more noticeably, what I'm incapable of doing. "What happened to you? You used to be so alive."

I can't seem to make people see, let alone understand, that a piece of me died. When it was ripped out of me, the remains fragmented. And it's all split and can't seem to be glued back together.

What if what kills me is the same **** everyone thought I survived?

How are you and your friend?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

How are you and your friend?

My friend's doing better these past couple days. I don't know how I'm doing. Been stressed out, lately.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

My friend's doing better these past couple days. I don't know how I'm doing. Been stressed out, lately.

Glad to hear your friend is doing better. That was so sweet of you to take care of her.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Glad to hear your friend is doing better. That was so sweet of you to take care of her.

I'm worried it won't last long, but while it does it's nice.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I'm worried it won't last long, but while it does it's nice.

Is she getting the help she needs? Is she willing to commit to getting better?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Is she getting the help she needs? Is she willing to commit to getting better?

She'll do therapy, but I can tell her mind is fighting with her to quit getting help. It's painful to watch. I wish I could help more.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

She'll do therapy, but I can tell her mind is fighting with her to quit getting help. It's painful to watch. I wish I could help more.

Well we all know how that goes with fighting with the mind. At least you can understand and try to explain it to her and why it's important to not give into those negative thoughts.

[MtnTime2896]

I don't want to create another thread, so I'll just continue on with this one.

My friend's not doing so good, again. Her family is toxic and her boyfriend who's dealing with a mood swing isn't much help right now, either. I'm having her come over after she gets off work. If I thought I was protective before, well I was wrong. I received some bad news a few days ago and I'm trying to deal with that.

Possible trigger:

My old childhood best friend took his life last month

, but I only found out recently. I hadn't spoken to him in years but it's still messing with me. So, naturally I'm even more paranoid that my current best friend is going down a similar path. I'm not sure it's paranoia, considering she told me as much.

On another note, I'm back on my meds and taking them regularly. Only thing is that I've cut my pills in half on my AP. I just... I can't deal with the loneliness. Even if I'm being yelled at and put down, I'm still not alone. At the same time, I realize I'm mostly alone, anyway. I don't know how well my meds are going to help me if they only cause me to become even more desperate for salvation. Huh, maybe I'm the one travelling down that path. I just don't know, anymore.

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts tonight.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I don't want to create another thread, so I'll just continue on with this one.

My friend's not doing so good, again. Her family is toxic and her boyfriend who's dealing with a mood swing isn't much help right now, either. I'm having her come over after she gets off work. If I thought I was protective before, well I was wrong. I received some bad news a few days ago and I'm trying to deal with that.

Possible trigger:

My old childhood best friend took his life last month

, but I only found out recently. I hadn't spoken to him in years but it's still messing with me. So, naturally I'm even more paranoid that my current best friend is going down a similar path. I'm not sure it's paranoia, considering she told me as much.

On another note, I'm back on my meds and taking them regularly. Only thing is that I've cut my pills in half on my AP. I just... I can't deal with the loneliness. Even if I'm being yelled at and put down, I'm still not alone. At the same time, I realize I'm mostly alone, anyway. I don't know how well my meds are going to help me if they only cause me to become even more desperate for salvation. Huh, maybe I'm the one travelling down that path. I just don't know, anymore.

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts tonight.

Be careful messing around with those meds please. Sorry to hear your friend is doing so bad. She is so lucky to have you to help her through this. You are a good friend and person.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Be careful messing around with those meds please. Sorry to hear your friend is doing so bad. She is so lucky to have you to help her through this. You are a good friend and person.

Thanks Trace. I'm taking the full dose of my AP now. Might as well, right? I'm just afraid of myself once it starts working. After all, once it kicks in I'll only be left with me, and I'm the scariest thing I've come across whilst alone.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Thanks Trace. I'm taking the full dose of my AP now. Might as well, right? I'm just afraid of myself once it starts working. After all, once it kicks in I'll only be left with me, and I'm the scariest thing I've come across whilst alone.

That's good to know that you are taking the meds as prescribed. You're right, why not? You need to give them a chance and see how you feel. If something is not right discuss it with the doctor. Take care of yourself while taking care of your friend.

[MtnTime2896]

I touch a feather (even from a pillow) and I feel disease begin to spread on my hands, up my arms and to the rest of my body. My brain's back to attacking me and everything that I do. It was telling me that my friends don't actually care about me, that it's all just pity. I told my friend last night what my head was saying and she reassured me otherwise. You'd think that would help, but I think I was hoping for confirmation. That would mean that no one would be upset if I didn't wake up one morning. A woman also few at the windshield, yesterday. I'm also pretty sure there are cameras in my house and I'm constantly being watched. And finally, I'm in charge of handing out candy tonight.... This should go well.

Sorry for all of my complaining, lately. I've just been needing to vent.

On a side-note, my friend finally got her car so that means she can escape her toxic family whenever she needs to. I feel a lot better knowing she has this option.

Anyway, those are some of my current thoughts. And yeah, I've missed a couple days on my AP. It's so sedating that I can't take it if I know I need to wake up early, like I have had to for the past couple days and again tomorrow.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I touch a feather (even from a pillow) and I feel disease begin to spread on my hands, up my arms and to the rest of my body. My brain's back to attacking me and everything that I do. It was telling me that my friends don't actually care about me, that it's all just pity. I told my friend last night what my head was saying and she reassured me otherwise. You'd think that would help, but I think I was hoping for confirmation. That would mean that no one would be upset if I didn't wake up one morning. A woman also few at the windshield, yesterday. I'm also pretty sure there are cameras in my house and I'm constantly being watched. And finally, I'm in charge of handing out candy tonight.... This should go well.

Sorry for all of my complaining, lately. I've just been needing to vent.

On a side-note, my friend finally got her car so that means she can escape her toxic family whenever she needs to. I feel a lot better knowing she has this option.

Anyway, those are some of my current thoughts. And yeah, I've missed a couple days on my AP. It's so sedating that I can't take it if I know I need to wake up early, like I have had to for the past couple days and again tomorrow.

Sounds like you need to get back to your regular dose. Don't hand out candy I don't. I didn't before Dad's death, but now some of the costumes are triggering. Also yard decorations.....geesh.

Good news about your friend, glad she has an escape option, That vehicle may benefit both of you

Take care tonight and if it gets too much just lock the door and turn off the light.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Sounds like you need to get back to your regular dose. Don't hand out candy I don't. I didn't before Dad's death, but now some of the costumes are triggering. Also yard decorations.....geesh.

Good news about your friend, glad she has an escape option, That vehicle may benefit both of you

Take care tonight and if it gets too much just lock the door and turn off the light.

Thanks, Trace.

As a sort of payback to my future in-laws, I'm doing the candy tonight so they can be with friends. My fiance has to work. I'll do it for as long as I can. If anything, I'll just tell people I'm tired and head to bed. My friend is also coming over, so I won't be alone and she knows how to calm down my episodes. Our friendship definitely goes both ways.

I know I probably need to be back on my regular dose. I see my pdoc tomorrow morning, so I'll discuss my AP and AD with him and see what he wants to do. I also see my T tomorrow. Two full appointments... whoo-hoo..