Checking in

Thanks Trace. There is an emergency women's & childrens shelter in my community. I was a benefactor for years after it first opened before I stopped working. I did speak to the director about 6 months ago. I'm just so overwhelmed that I don't feel worthy. The stigma around mental illness in this small community is alive and thriving.

I've been fighting for my disability for going on 9 years now. After filing 2 applications and appealing them all the way to the Appeals council, I filed a lawsuit on May 15, 2016. US District Ct remanded it back to ODAR April 10, 2017. Same judge disregarded all medical from treating drs...again in Dec 2017. Lawyers were "infuriated" & we decided to file another appeal to the Appeals Council. This process will take over a year and I can't survive on zero.

I know that I am not going to survive PTSD. I am also "old", single, and have no children. Shame was used as a weapon in my childhood and I have never forgotten that lesson. It shames me that I am unable to support myself, that I am unable to control my emotions. I was able to find success through sheer determination and perseverance against great odds. I have had an extraordinary life despite the many life long traumas I encountered.

I'm just tired of fighting. Today, I don't feel like I can get back up to continue fighting. I mean, everybody has their limits. I don't feel like a warrior anymore. As FuBear would post, "grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr".

Thanks again for your kind support and encouragement!

You sound a lot like me Old, single, no kids, extraordinary life, with many ghosts to deal with. We have survived PTSD, the fact that we are talking shows we have survived. Can you find something in your past extraordinary life that you could rekindle just to make enough money to make ends meet? Maybe move to another town and get a fresh start. Yes, everyone does have their limits. Can't deny that. But there were also happier times I remember, do you? How do we get back there? Not to the same situations but to a place of happiness. Check into that women's shelter and try to regroup, at least stay warm and have food. We have to take care of our basic needs first.

My therapist retraumatized me and now I am broke. So broke. Falling down down down.

Someone's screen name kinda triggered me. Not on here but a different area in the forum.

Completed my move today! I am in a "safe" place for the next 2 nights. I hope it will be enough time to work up my courage to go to an emergency women's/children shelter on Friday. One Moment At A Time.

Lawyer sent me appeals exception documentation today that he sent to the Appeals Council. I was pleasantly surprised at how much better it made me feel after reading it. I was dreading it and feared I would plunge in yet another downward spiral. Fortunately, my law firm is "infuriated" by the ALJ decision and pointed out that the judge blatantly ignored the US DIstrict Court's federal remand on numerous issues. Now, I just have to wait another 12 - 15 months for a decision....and hope I am able to survive that long.

I checked into a women's homeless shelter on Feb 2. The experience is shaming and humiliating as the local drug court sends drug offenders to this shelter as part of their sentence. Mind you, many of them have HOMES. The majority of them are METH addicts. Residents are required to attend all meetings unless you are working. There are 3 AA meetings per week. I got written up for missing a meeting on Thurs because I had a therapy appt scheduled during one of the meetings. SHAME ON ME for having a mental illness!

I've also had to apply for food stamps because it is a requirement for residency since I have no job and I am unable to work. I would prefer to starve than do this, but it is too cold to live in my car right now. There is a possibility that I will be denied because I have more than $100 in my bank account. Today I feel like the only way to go lower than where I am would be 6 feet under. I'm just so tired of fighting and I don't know if I can drag myself back up to continue this fight.

I did get to meet my new therapist on Thursday in another city other than the one in which I live. I felt good about the session as he had double booked the time slot and still took the time to meet with me longer than a normal session. I told him starting the EMDR therapy now might not be the best time as the environment in which I am currently living is not ideal. I requested weekly apps due to the trauma of moving into a homeless shelter.

To top it all off, my vehicle is going to need some work. I started smelling oil a couple of weeks ago. I had hoped it was just because we had some subzero temps off and on for a couple of weeks. No indicator lights on and I think I've spotted some dime size drips. I had a leak in the oil pan repaired during the summer and I'm hoping it's nothing major. I cannot live without my wheels!!!!

I have been assisting my 95 yr young friend every other day which I know is a blessing to us both. I change her portable potty bags, empty trash can, scoop cat litter (box hadn't been cleaned in 6 - 8 was), cook for her occasionally if she requests, do her laundry (another thing that had been neglected) and help her straighten out past due payment notices....for her peace of mind. She's never been late on payments and this situation with 2 late payments on electric and home insurance has been very stressful to her.

Very triggered today by several incidents at shelter. Anyone know how to thicken skin so I don't take EVERYTHING so personally?

Had emotional flashbacks due to bad childhood memories. Just feeling kind of raw right now.

Took a chance and reached out to ask an old friend for help. Ironic how people assume that when life lands you in a homeless shelter, you must be there due to drug addiction, alcoholism, etc. This friend is an original board member of shelter in which I'm currently residing. Putting myself out there to explain how I got there and why was traumatic, but was somewhat of a relief after all was said and done! She may have some leads for me to do some additional care giving via our church community.

Feeling hopeless and worthless. Can't seem to ignite my lil flicker of hope. I'm tired of fighting. Sometimes, you just can't force yourself back up just to be knocked back down and kicked while your down. Where is my life line?

I feel the same way right now

Feeling hopeless, worthless and unlovable today. Nobody cares. I cannot see myself lasting through this current Appeals Process. Living in a homeless shelter is not healthy for me. Why is it that people who work hard, live within their means, choose honesty and doing the right thing are forced to lose everything before they are "considered" for their disability benefits? I did not choose my illness, PTSD. It happened to me. I die a little every day from the shame, disrespect and indignities of having a mental illness. I want to give up but I don't have the COURAGE! And....I'm really missing wifi access.

KYwoman, can you live with the elderly woman you care for sometimes? Does she have an extra room you could stay in?

She has a 50 yr old grandson who lives with her. He doesn't come out of his room unless he's going to or from work. That is not an option. Once it warms up, I can pitch a tent on some family property out in the county.

Mechanics can't figure out why my car consistently dies while idling. I can hardly believe I paid $208 Friday morning for "erratic" idle and now it's worse than when I took it. I have taken it back 2x & they finally told me they couldn't figure it out because computer scan isn't generating any error codes. This stuff happens to me repeatedly and I've lost patience and a good portion of my mind!!!

Spent a long time crying and yelling in anger yesterday about my traumas in healthcare. Angry at all the disgusting stuff that happens behind closed doors. How can they do these things!? How do they live with themselves!??!?! I am so disheartened. Tears flowing. Hurting. Alone. Scared.

I get it...

Maybe you should step away from reading about all the injustices in health care for a while. Just step away.

Found an old classmate who owns a garage who thinks he might be able to solve my car issues! Dropping it off early in the am. I left the shelter last night and feel much lighter. No long term plans, but a short term plan will work for now. Praying faithfully for some assistance. Received a few surprises from the universe today letting me know I'm being heard & that I am NOT alone. Bout time too.

Sounds like a really tough to, KY. Hang in there. Your luck will change

Big hugs

I am sad and sorry I have mental illnesses: complex PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia. It's hard enough accepting these diagnoses and choosing to do the best i can with the coping mechanisms I know work for me. A sibling told me this week that moving back here after I left another state (and my high paying job) fleeing a stalker was a MISTAKE. That I should have moved "somewhere else". She failed to mention our mother's breast cancer returned after 11 years in remission & is scheduled to have a double mastectomy this coming Monday. Shooting me to put me out of my misery would have been kinder!!!!!!

Mental Illness destroys familial and other relationships more than any other dis-ease or illness primarily due to STIGMA and lack of understanding in my personal experiences and opinion. I choose to manage the toxic relationships that I know are unhealthy for me. I've tried to help educate my family....problem is they do not want to learn about or understand. Shaming and resenting me is the preferred option and I am finally accepting this harsh reality. I am painfully letting them go, although I pray for them every day.

I don't think a magical cure will be found in my life time. I'm nearing end of life and I can say that I have had an extraordinary life...despite the many traumas I've survived! I have been loved, professionally successful, athletic, a lover, a positive influence, an adventure traveler, an explorer, a compassionate nurturer, a natural healer, fun to be around, an angel to some whose paths I have crossed, and I am now none of these. I don't think I will ever be any of those again in this life time.

I am very grateful to the many caring, compassionate, & generous members on this site who understand living with mental illnesses!!!!!

Visiting my mom the past week. PTSD has been okay, but it starts to bother me when we go out and I feel like we've been away from home too long. Not sure if that's my GAD, my MDD or my PTSD. I've enjoyed being here for a break, but I also feel like it's caused me to back slide in ways. I'm avoiding reality in a lot of ways.

Thanks for this check in thread. Wishing everyone the best.

Seesaw

Beautifully written. It's nice to have you around the pc forums.
My heart goes out to you.

WC

Stopping in and reading.

Experienced a lot of symptoms this past week due to an anniversary date.
I made it through it.

It's nice to know this community is here. I enjoy checking in and catching up.

Love to All!

WC