Any information about abuse by parents with PTSD?

TheUrOther,

Right now you are interacting in a forum where other people suffer from ptsd and complex ptsd and many of these members have suffered abuse and neglect. Please keep in mind that when you express your anger and extreme frustration, others here can relate, and others here are trying very hard NOT TO self blame for suffering from abuse, neglect, being bullied being alone, struggling to have friends, being labelled as bad when they are not bad people, and have suffered ALONE often with NO HELP too. So, it's important that you understand that when you begin to express anger at other members here, you are triggering them to actually feel the way you feel where you struggle and have been dealing with not finding the caring and help you need to experience.

My childhood was hard too. I spent a lot of years in my own childhood where every single day I witnessed my older brother being bullied and abused and hurt. He was constantly punished, he was dragged into a shed and hit with a belt, he was told if he cried he would be hit harder. The other children constantly picked on him every single day, no one would sit with him and I began to witness this when I was just a little five year old child. I watched him sit alone, stare out a window TRYING to hide the tears that were rolling down his face. I witnessed this every single day and NO ONE stopped it. My brother did not know what to do with all the stress and these feelings he had from suffering so much abuse that he would suck his thumb all night long TRYING to self sooth so he could sleep. My brother's lips got so swollen and blistered and even bleed. That became something he was picked on about too, the other children on the bus would chant so meanly "big lips, big lips" and I would see how hard it was for him and I felt SO HELPLESS. However, I did not have my OWN identity, I just became X's sister. And no one wanted to be friends with me either because I was X's sister.

I felt sorry for my older brother and I have an older sister too that hated my older brother from the moment he came home as a baby. She even tried to kill him. So at home I always had to deal with HER hate for him too. She would tell me if I was nice to him or played with him that she would shun me and be mean to me and not play with me.

I did not listen to her and because I kept seeing that my older brother had NO ONE, NOT ONE FRIEND, I decided to become his friend. At least he had someone, however, that was extremely challenging for me because my brother would endure so much abuse on that bus and in school and be treated so badly by the teachers too, that he would get to a point where he would need to VENT all his pent up anger. So, guess who had to deal with that? I had to learn to look for when he would blow up and need to vent and that is when I would have to run and hide. I used to NEED to find places I could hide, that was always something I looked for "good hiding places" and no one knew that. I could not tell because I knew if I did tell that all that would happen is he would end up being punished even more. I genuinely had fear that if that happened that his rage could be so bad he might kill me.

I prayed and prayed throughout my childhood for someone to come and HELP HIM. I knew he needed an adult to care about him and help him. When you talk about not fitting in, not having friends, not finding a way to connect? I faced that challenge too because I was X's sister.

This morning I got on the phone trying to find help. I am dealing with an older sister who also takes her anger out on me, she has raged at me and made it a point to cut off anyone I can reach out to so I can ONLY know things if I go to her. She has lied to me, smeared me, raged at me to a point where right now my mother is dying and I get TOO triggered to go and visit my mother because my sister hovers around and WANTS me to suffer because SHE is unhappy. My sister is abusing the power she was given, my parents would be LIVID if they knew. She has been bullying me and triggering me and I got on the phone and guess what NO ONE can help me. And a lawyer noticed this but in order for me to do anything I have to spend money and I DON'T HAVE IT. People have told me to try to talk to my sister about visiting my parents alone, my sister literally BLEW UP at me on the phone and told me I have to pay HER $1,200 in order to get that.
When people tell me to practice this and accept this etc, all it says to me is GIVE IN TO YOUR ABUSER.

Now you come here all angry and when I reach out to comfort you and try to be supportive you point your finger at me and BLAME ME? Can you see how that can trigger me? You don't think I KNOW what you are feeling? You don't think what I am experiencing has been affecting MY HEALTH? You can't see how I wake up during the night with these chills, how I have a hairdryer next to my bed so I can blow hot air on myself to get rid of the horrible chills. You don't even see me here at my desk typing this with a heater blowing on my legs either. You don't see how my lower legs look red and discolored from this, yet I just want to NOT HAVE THESE CHILLS. And yet, when you respond to me you BLAME ME and tell me I do nothing. I am trying but I keep getting the "sorry I can't help you replies".

I AM a nice person too, I am kind and caring and yet I have been bullied and abused anyway. I have tried to not talk about my own challenges, actually, it's very hard for me to do so and I honestly feel like someone will respond to me in hurtful ways because that is what I have ALREADY experienced. I also know how one can get so they get angry at EVERYONE too. Actually, in your other thread a member I know that is also struggling and trying "beauflow" that I have reached out to with support to, replied to you and I have to say it was one of the best written posts I have ever seen her write. A lot of times when she reaches out her posts are somewhat disconnected and hard to follow. Yet I know she is triggered when I see that, and yet that post she wrote to you was not like that. I can see she put a lot of thought into that post to you. She was trying to let you know she can relate to how you feel, the frustration you are feeling and the anger too.

I know what you mean when you express how the BULLIES and ABUSERS often win too. I am living it right now. People tell me to IGNORE her and JUST and yet when I try to do that I end up getting so badly triggered my face turns white as a ghost and I am possessed by that young frightened child part of me that developed from YEARS of witnessing and struggling with what I experienced in my childhood. Before I have any conscious choice I am that frightened child that just wants to RUN AWAY AND HIDE. Do I need to feel GUILTY about that? Do I need to hear THAT'S MY CHOICE? Do I need to hear the only thing you can change is YOU? I am trying but there are times where these episodes I experience just take over and cripple me.

I am very personally familiar with the anger too. I do see you have a lot of anger and you are venting it, I have struggled with that myself and I know other members here can relate. No one here is telling you to give into abuse either. However, you need to understand that many members here are dealing with their own histories some of which are many traumas, many abuses, with NO HELP, just like you describe. Yet, we can all get triggered when you respond to us pointing your finger and blaming us for also struggling and being victims.

We are trying to be supportive with you, members here for the most part are actually NICE people that for whatever reason suffered abuse and trauma that hurt them and they struggle and we all know how hard it is to get HELP and how lonely our challenge feels and is too. I think so many here post and share to have a way of crying out so people will hear us and work on realizing what causes our condition and work on ways to help and prevent better. I know the frustration, this longing to understand before you die as to WHY and how to stop it too. It's very easy to sink into the mentality of hating human beings as a whole, but that's not going to FIX anything either. These people that begin to sink into that state of mind so much that they grab a gun and go out and kill people blindly DOESN'T FIX what's wrong either. Actually, all it does is make it even worse and add to the stigma of the challenge that NONE of us need to experience that only makes it worse.

I am sorry you have been so badly abused, that you are suffering so badly because of this abuse and experiencing this history where others decided YOU were not good enough to fit in. I KNOW what that feels like and both me and my older brother experienced that challenge OUR ENTIRE childhoods too. I do have to say that my older brother did fight back, he got an education and learned how to interact in society, he never talks about his history, yet he has tried to be a part of the solution of being a better nicer person. I will say I have a lot of respect for him, yet, there will always be that part of him that endured a lot of abuse that he tries to keep dormant inside him.

This never means that abusers win. Learning to heal is not empowering abusers, it's reaching out, connecting and trying to give a voice to THE PROBLEM. It's going to take time for changes to happen, it just is. We are at a point where we are just really beginning to understand and pay attention to abuse and the affects it has on the brain too. The other thing we are slowly learning to see is how human beings have different wiring in their brains. We are learning about different learning disabilities, about Aspergers, and ADHD, and all the different kinds of ways different human beings are wired. So there is still a lot to understand about human nature yet and how that plays into human behaviors. It's really important to try not to do that "All People" are bad, and I know that is a challenge especially when struggling.

Open Eyes:

If you know exactly what I'm feeling, then why can't you see that I'm correct? Why do you constantly argue against what you know is true? You should be agreeing with me, if not actively allying with me. You represent the "other people in my discriminated group" yet you constantly fight against me - why? We could do so much working together instead of fighting, yet you keep arguing against everything I say.

I'm sorry I've made your body react the way it has. I do not get "triggered" like other sufferers, so my body does not get altered like yours does. To be honest, I do not know what that is like. I'm sorry I cannot relate easily.

I am VERY sorry you experienced that ((Calla)), because you have suffered abuse too and it's SO HARD when you react in trying to stand up for yourself as I did see you do, only to have that deleted. When it comes to suffering abuse and struggling with PTSD or Complex PTSD, experiencing something like that can be extremely invalidating and triggering. I have experienced that myself.

However, the reason that happens is really not meant to hurt you and invalidate you even though it really feels that way. Instead the only reason that takes place is to prevent threads from becoming a thread of members combatting each other which begins to take away from the purpose of this site which is supposed to provide, as best as possible a safe place to vent and share where members can get support. That can't happen if threads end up turning into long drawn out fights or arguements between members.

It is a challenge to not respond or react, I am sure other members here can agree and have experienced their own challenges with this. I know I have experienced it. It was hard considering not only my history but also what I was experiencing IRL. However, even though it was hard at times for me and I even contended with being suspended which really invalidated me and triggered me. I somehow found it in me to keep trying because I really needed someplace I could interact for support. Actually, as hard as it was I slowly learned how to step back and not react and that was so hard considering what I was dealing with IRL. It ended up helping me slowly, and I do mean slowly to build up an ability to "not" react. I have used those skills IRL too, so it did help me overall. It's not giving an abuser power either, often abusers actually WANT you to react badly so they can say their behavior is YOUR fault. So what I learned here I applied to my extremely challenging IRL challenges which were infinitely harder than anything I have encountered here on this site. Actually, since I posted my last post to our new member I was once again hit with MORE toxic IRL. I found myself asking the same question this new member is asking, WHY, WHY? Seriously, haven't we ALL asked this question???? Felt this anger and frustration???

TheUrOther, we here in this forum get it, we are trying to be supportive to you. Yet, the one thing I CAN say to you, is the solution is not striking out, not at us who are struggling too. That's not the answer here, it's not the solution because all that does is give other people who don't know what it means to struggle like us a reason to keep IGNORING us. I see it, you are coming here and venting and you definitely have a great deal of anger. We here, other individuals who also struggle with PTSD, experience the same questions of this WHY and can get very angry with how humanity doesn't HELP us nor understand us, want to support you. Yet, we cannot do that when you lash out at us, and it doesn't even help our cause, what we want other people to understand is how we struggle. How alone it can be even when we don't want it to be and how little support there really is for so many of us. We need to support each other in our effort to say here in this forum, someplace where we can say just how hard it is and that we are NOT bad people, we are hurt people and here is what happened to us and how can we change that.

All I know is right now I am dealing with something bad and it seems there is really nothing in place that can help me with what I am facing, it's an abusive person who is abusing powers, and once again saying I did something I never did and will NOT let me see my dying mother where I can be alone with her. My mom was my best friend and the only answer I have is to either allow my abuser to hang over me, or completely distance altogether and not even try to see my mother. Someone said to me, the times for being alone with my mother are gone and just try to be positive about the times I was able to experience that. Does that mean the abuser wins? Well, in my honest opinion, no one wins when things get toxic like that. And the same is true when we react in anger here with each other, none of us gain anything from that.

Just know that others here can relate to your anger and frustrations. We need to find a way to at least come together and share our pain so others can see how we struggle and stop IGNORING the things that resulted in how all of us do struggle. There is a slow and gradual awareness taking place, unfortunately, it does take time to figure out solutions and preventions.

Then there is no solution because the only thing that stops abuse is fighting back until the abusers are too crippled to abuse. Not fleeing. Not fawning. Not fainting. The only way to win is to beat our abusers until they are completely subjugated under our power.


That's never going to happen. People don't want to know how we struggle, and will fight to the death to never know. To "normal" people we are worse than expendable and therefore nothing anyone says about us is valid and nothing anyone does will change their mind. That's not how people work.


The other people are our enemy - they are never going to understand us or be our ally because they ultimately approve of the practice of abuse; they think abusing people is the morally right thing to do and nothing will convince them otherwise. They believe we were abused because we deserved to be abused and they will fight to the death for this belief. The only answer is to hold them to their promise, because otherwise we will be exterminated.

Honestly TheUrOther, that is how you strongly "feel" but that is not all true. There HAS BEEN a growing effort towards awareness, there really has. As I have mentioned, changes happen slowly. If you continue along this vein of blaming and lashing out at others, you will do nothing to contribute to the solution.

This method has NEVER worked and only ends up not only costing thousands and thousands of lives but ends up causing a great deal of anger and emotional suffering where many people end up suffering from PTSD, this is not something new in humanity, what IS new is realizing how so many human beings did actually suffer from it which turned out affecting their children.

Honestly, there is no such thing as "normal" to begin with. Also, while there are people who choose to remain ignorant, there are a growing number of people that are actually listening and trying to take steps towards making changes. Our new technology is actually beginning to help us start to understand how our human brains work, what areas in the brain are affected by trauma too. Truth is they are actually studying ptsd and trauma a lot right now because so many people are suffering from it that it's costing too much to address.

What you don't realize and what you don't take into account is that the opposition is growing faster than your "awareness". It doesn't matter if there is a "growing effort towards awareness" when ignorance and hate explodes in leaps and bounds. You cannot focus on awareness in isolation.

I fundamentally don't believe your solution will work, and will likely aid the enemy, and I have evidence to back this up. If I'm not "contributing" to your "solution", then that is a bonus.

The only way to get people to understand is to make everyone suffer from PTSD - that's the only way they'll "get it". That's the goal, not the thing to avoid. People will never learn until they suffer what they inflict - that's the only way the human brain works. Human beings are too stupid to understand PTSD any other way.

Strictly speaking, I should have said "socially acceptable". Mea culpa.


Again, the piddling amount of people "actually listening" are irrelevant next to the armies of ignorant people. You do not understand scale or ratios. They matter.

Simply put, you put too much faith in a species who has spent the entirety of history proving that it deserves exactly no faith. Until you dispose of this faith and rely on only what you can force, you will not make any significant gains. This is a war, not a tea party. The losing side dies.

Some of the psychiatric injuries that present with PTSD is a heightened sense of vulnerablity to possible victimisation (hypervigilance)

Is driven by the anger of injustice

Even looks forward to each new day as an opportunity to fight for justice

Refuses to be beaten, refuses to give up

These are the symptoms you are expressing. You definitely have anger and a very strong desire for justice and you believe that the only way others will understand is if they suffer the way you do.

Except for the "Even looks forward to each new day as an opportunity to fight for justice" bit, this is all correct. But just because it's a "symptom" of PTSD doesn't make it wrong - in fact, hypervigilance is the human brain becoming aware of reality. it's the "socially acceptable" people's lack of mental vigilance that's incorrect, and leads to more incorrect thought. The "socially acceptable" are all mentally asleep at the wheel, and they need us to wake them up. But they don't want to be woken up. They want to remain in the Dream, and they resent us for waking them up with the cold-water splash of reality. They insist on staying asleep, and will kill to remain that way.

Hypervigilance is the correct way to think. I'm proud to be hypervigilant - it's the lemonade I can make from the rotten lemons I've had violently thrown at me, and it's helped me learn many things I would not have otherwise. My hypervigilance is one of my best traits.

But you and everyone else think it's a mental flaw, because it makes you look at everything, whether you want to or not. People should not be allowed to ignore things in the first place - the ability to selectively "cherry pick" reality is why the "socially acceptable" make us suffer in the first place. People should be slaves to reality, not the other way around - but people almost literally think they should be able to ignore the fall from the cliff by simply not looking down. That's why the "socially acceptable" are so delusional, and why they are so abusive. They must be forcefully awoken to the point of Clockwork Orangeing them, if need be.

They will never choose to be aware of their own free will - they must be forced to be aware if we are ever to survive.

I am sorry but I can't join in with "all socially acceptable people" need to be forced or are all bad in someway. I don't desire anyone to experience what I have to care or see what I have/experience with this ptsd challenge.

How else are they going to stop abusing us, if they're hostile to the very idea that we're their equal, and deserve an equal place in society? How do you expect them to change without being punished for what they're doing now? No matter what you might want them to do, no reward will make them change - rewards show where you want them to go; they cannot initiate change by themselves. Ceasing an existing behavior and initiating change is what punishment is for.

If you can prove that a lesser punishment can get people to stop being comfortable where they are, then we can go with that - I'm not for excessive punishment. But no punishment won't work - humans need the carrot and the stick.

Also, the fact they consider themselves "socially acceptable" yet don't consider us so is literally what makes them bad - that is the definition of their badness. They're willing to ostracize us based on what they did to us - how can they be considered anything but bad?

Sounds to me as though you are much more interested in administering the stick, though.

There is no such thing as 'bad' -- it is misleading to use the word. There are things, and then there are our feelings about them. When we can fully feel what we feel, then we can also think about them more clearly. We can consider them to be, not 'bad' but disordered.

My experience is that there are a whole lot of people who do not think clearly about emotional disorders, who have them but do not recognize it. It is characteristic of emotional damage that it causes thinking to be discarded in favor of pure reactive emotion. It is part of the way we are built. Seems to me that there are lots and lots of them in the world -- we have only to pay attention to what is happening in our societies to see it. Sometimes it feels as though it is everybody -- including a lot of supposed "professionals". I hope it is not everybody -- some of us are trying to find a way out, a way where we too do not react only out of instant emotion (instinct), but try to think about things.

It is hard.

Everyone else has the carrots covered. No one is driving stick.

Not one act of abuse that has been done to me has ever been punished. Of course people are going to continue to abuse me if there is never any downside! Why would they ever stop? What is their incentive to not abuse me when there is no real risk for their gain? All they have to do is outnumber me - which is easy to do, as their slander and rumor-mongering has guaranteed I'll never have allies.

That is absolutely false. They are doing clear, objectively-provable harm. That is the definition of "bad. Our "feelings" are irrelevant in the face of proof. Focusing on feelings is how one becomes an abuser.


It's not hard for me. If you want to think and not act out of instinct, you must think of your emotions as a weapon to wield, separate but controlled, and not an inseparable part of you. Emotions are like fire - they are useful only when tightly controlled - otherwise, they are a disaster waiting to happen.

What is the intent of wielding a weapon -- to revenge yourself on someone by hurting them as you have been hurt? That way you are still bound to them, to the imperative of instinct. If you wish to accomplish something with your anger, you have to be intelligent about it. You have to use your thinking mind to accomplish some permanent gain, not just an eye for an eye. You have to investigate yourself, as well as others.

That's what I say, anyway.

It seems you always feel persecuted and like it that way. I don't understand why you are so interested in punishment. Is it anybody's job to really punish anyone for anything? Maybe if you are a parent you could justify that but that is not how I raised my children. It seems like all you would like to do is argue with the people who are trying to support you. I do not understand that mentality and I do not understand your anger. What I can tell you is fact: your anger is not healthy and it never will be. It will never change what you want it to change. You are invalidating everyone here who has taken the time to respond to you.

Sigh....you know TheUrOther, with what I have been and am going through right now, even what I experienced just yesterday, it would be so easy for me to embrace your anger and desire to punish and MAKE someone see their wrongs that are hurting me so much.

Honestly, I sat here after hearing what my husband experienced when he tried to arrange with my older sister for me to have "private" time with my dying mother. Her response was "absolutely NOT" and then she proceeded to tell him lies about me, she accused me of doing things I never did. My sister is abusing the power she was given, what she has been doing is NOT anything either one of my parents wanted. She wants to hurt me to satisfy her own unmet needs that have NOTHING to do with me. I don't know HOW she can sit with my mother and hold my mother's hand while she is dying and deny my mother to experience me, because my mother did/does love me. This is not ANYTHING I could EVER do.

My sister is practicing the same thing you keep touting you want to do. She has created resentments in her mind and has embraced hate so much that she literally doesn't see how WRONG her behavior is. I am very hurt and very disappointed and very angry, it's definitely triggering the ptsd in me. Yet, I am NOT going to embrace some desire to hurt her back. That is not who I am as a person. The thing about bullies and abusers is they WANT you to engage because it keeps giving them a chance to hurt you even more, those are NOT the kind of people I want to connect with and befriend. Truth is, I have no respect for those kind of people either, I don't want them in my life either.

I believe that at one point you were a nice person, that these individuals who bullied you and even physically hurt you were "bad" people, and every time you tried to be friendly they only hurt you even more. Yes, there are people that are like that too, I have experienced them during my life and each time I am left with "how can someone be like that". YET, when this kind of person really WINS, is when they get YOU to be like that too. When they get that from you it empowers them with "see I was right that person is a bad person and not worthy".

What I have been learning is that when it comes to a toxic person or what is labelled "narcissists", is that these individuals do not want to KNOW what they are doing that is detrimental and toxic. No matter how much someone is nice to them or TRIES to help them see their dysfunctional behaviors, they simply don't GET IT and can only do things THEIR way and it's mostly about their need to have all the power and control.

My mother said to me at one point, "Your sister is jealous of you OE". I was in my 50's when she said that to me and I honestly did not see it so I was taken back by her saying that to me so matter of fact. I responded to her with, "how can you say that, what on earth does she have to be jealous about?". My mother's answer was, "OE, because you were always not only cute, but you were very social and friendly and talkative and your sister could not do that". I began to feel upset about this, I had loved my older sister and had been friendly and socible to her and I was always nice to her. I never tried to control her either and I really never was a 'counter" where she was always "keeping score". Looking back from where I am now and with what I have been learning, I can see the red flags that I missed. My sister never wanted to share my parents with two younger siblings. She really NEVER got over that and I can see it in a HUGE way now with what she has been choosing to do.

There is a part of me that is angry at my mother because if she did see this, she should have done something about it. What my older sister is doing right now as I am sitting here writing this is she is taking JOY in denying me alone time with my mother so SHE can have it all to herself. She has such a STRONG need to feel that SHE is the better child and most deserving. It's so sad to me that my mother is dying and my sister is sitting there completely controlling her need to HAVE my mother all to herself right up to my mother's very LAST BREATH. That my sister NEEDS everyone to believe that she is the GOOD CHILD and I am the threat and bad. HOW sad it that??????

Actually, reading all your input and desire to punish and withhold and this whole concept of carrots and stick treatement, your resentments and your idea of justice is educating me, BUT, not in the way you think or desire. My older sister is ANGRY and RESENTFUL , and she is choosing to take this out on me.

Truth is, just about every flashback I experience is about that too. It's always about someone taking THEIR ANGER out on me. I am interacting with you here in your thread and everything I say is met with YOU DON'T GET IT and YOU ARE STUPID IF YOU DON'T GET IT, you make it a point to pick out every thing I say and react with YOUR ANGER and need for JUSTICE and PUNISHMENT. I gotta be honest with you, this is something I have experienced many times over in my life and I have so many times where I was raged at too.

Well, no matter how many times you try to convince me, you are NOT going to get me to turn into a BULLY. You have asked about abuse by parents with PTSD, and what I can say is that if a parent is struggling with ptsd and struggles where they blow up in rages at their own child, when they show resentments and they can't really love that child because of their own damage, the product can become a child that carries deep resentments and an obsessive need for control. And people can get hurt by that, innocent people.

Everytime I am exposed to my sister, be it on the phone or in person, it makes me ill. Her presence is SO NEGATIVE to me that I can't stand being around it. She sits there alone, she is looking for sympathy and the reason she IS alone is because of her insistence on punishing and controlling and she blows up if she doesn't get it and she invades people's space to the point where people are repelled by her.

I have shared how I witnessed my older brother constantly being abused and bullied. He had/has ADHD and Dyslexia and he was punished for it, when it was not his fault, just how his brain was wired. He could have turned out to be a bad and mean bully and punish others. But he ended up stepping away from the toxic in his own family and wanted to be different. I was not sure how he would be after my not seeing him for about 20 years. He moved away and got busy in his life with his own family and making his way. We began to interact again because of my parents decline. And one day my brother walked up to me with a deep desire to sit with me to appologize for how he was with me in our childhood. He has been the only one WILLING to express a desire to let me know he regretted and wanted to care enough to talk about it with me. He has made it a point many times to let me know he knew I was and am a nice person too. I also want to add that my parents took my brother to see a psychiatrist because he struggled to sit and pay attention in school. This psychiatrist told my parents "NO coddling for him at all, you much instead constantly dicipline him". This is the WRONG advice and this is what started my father taking him out to a shed and hitting him on his backside with a belt. I was so little and watching that terrified and confused me.

Yesterday I was so hurt and angry about how my sister responded to my husband who wanted to help me get to experience private time alone with my mother. My husband said it was very hard for him to remain calm because of how MEAN AND EVIL my sister was, and what she spewed out. He knows I never did anything she insists on accusing me of doing too. He has witnessed her rage at me and be mean to me too. He hates what he is witnessing. He is disgusted by it. The answer is not to react and turn into a bully.

I am so sorry you have been abused, but to embrace hate and anger is not the answer. All it really does is give bullies and toxic people what they want so they can say you are the bad one in the picture.

I think it is just a measure of how great the anger is...

YES! pachyderm, that is exactly what it means.

@Open Eyes:


I am not "embracing hate".

I am neither a narcissist or a bully.

I am "so interested in punishment" because all I have experienced from humanity is punishment - every action I perform is punished, no matter how good it is. It's never good enough for you people, so you punish everything I do. It's never a case where I can do something "right" so I do not get punished; it's always the case of minimizing but never fully avoiding punishment. That's why I'm dying; the constant punishment has destroyed my body.

You all punish me constantly, but you all never get punished. What is so horrible about me that I have to be punished all the time? Why do you get to screw up infinitely to the point where you're destroying the planet but you never get punished? Why the double standard?

I do feel persecuted because I am persecuted! That is exactly what's happening! And you have to be truly demented and a sadist to think that I like dying from everyone's beatings.

Punishment is how people learn right from wrong; it is the foundation of civilization - and YES it is every person's duty to punish bad behavior! Jesus wept, how can you get something so fundamental so wrong? Every unpunished person goes on to do bad things because they've never learned what they're doing is wrong. Learning right from wrong doesn't stop at 18 either - everyone must be punished fairly and accurately in order to know what is right and what is wrong.

Let me be clear - I'm not talking random, arbitrary punishment; that's abuse. I'm talking the proper punishment for what ever wrongdoing occurs. One can be wrongfully over-punished as they can be wrongfully under-punished. Both are incorrect.

First, do you really expect me to take on faith that you're supporting me? Do you really think I'm that stupid? There is no outward difference between those who are supporting and those who pretend to support in order to ambush. The only real difference is that the true supporters are too rare for them to be a benefit - the cost of accepting their support is greater than the support they give; I literally running a loss every time I accept help.

Furthermore, I challenge everything you say even when it is genuine because the circumstances I live under is so extreme. Your help unchallenged won't survive exposure to the enemy. It has to be near-perfect in order to actually work in that environment. You don't understand that because whatever you've gone through, it's not as constant and omnipresent as my hostile conditions. Your suffered abuse comes from one or a few people; my abuse comes from everyone, at all times. If I don't challenge your suggestions, they will fly apart in the face of battle, and can injure me in the process. They must be human-proofed before I can use it.

People decided to ostracize me to the point of murdering me as a purely arbitrary decision. I did nothing to these people - I was constantly trying to be nice to these people - and they tortured me and murdered me. If you can't understand why that would make someone angry, I can't understand you.

I'm dying. "Health" is no longer an option. I've proven that nothing will change what I want changed, because human beings are willing to die and kill to keep things the way they are. The whole reason I had my massive personality change was because I knew it was pointless to try any more. The time to negotiate with the terrorists is over.

I put in all the times you answered me including me as if I personally abused and hurt you by using YOU, I did no such thing to you. When you respond to people who are trying to be supportive and talk to you, you can trigger them because of how you answer like each person personally did something to you, try to use people have done this or that to me. I do not know you, you don't even know me so please dont blame me for something I simply did not do to you. Something that can work better in interacting OK? (I can get triggered because of what I am experiencing right now in being blamed for things I never did. That's me personally, but I bet other PTSD/complex PTSD members posting here can relate especially if they have been emotionally abused, even physically for that matter.)

As long as you are part of the human species, you are partially responsible for their actions - you all hold me responsible for everyone's actions AND DON'T GIVE ME ANY NONSENSE ABOUT HOW YOU THE INDIVIDUAL DON'T HOLD ME RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS!!! YES YOU DO! You would not be arguing with me if you actually thought other people's actions are the responsibility of those people; this argument is all about me bearing the cost of the actions of other people. If you want exoneration for yourself, you need to find the people who did this to me and punish them yourself. I can't do it; the only way I can free from their tyranny is to make you do it. No, that's not fair - but if you all had nipped this in the bud in the first place, you would not be in a position where you have to do this now. I will hold you responsible for other people's actions, just as you have held me responsible for other people's actions. That is the only support you can give me. That is the only support that will be effective; everything else is a waste of time.

I am not holding you responsible for the abuse and neglect you experienced from other people. I believe you needed help and were failed and no teacher or Adult or even pier reached out and helped you. It's understandable that you would feel so much anger like you do because of that too. It is awful to experience abuse and suffer and no one steps up to help you. Other members here can relate to what that feels like. Yes, that can lead to the kind of anger you are venting here.

Everyone not on this board does - most importantly, everyone who can give me a job does. They all think either my abuse is my fault - or that I was not abused at all - and they expect me to do better than them without any of the resources they have and are keeping away from me.

I believe you as unfortunately, there are a lot of people that blame the victims. That is something many members can relate to as well here. A lot of the time abusers have power and influence that can make it even harder for a victim to get the right help and be believed.