[MtnTime2896]

"Sometimes, I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes, I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past"

-Linkin Park, 'Easier to Run'.

It's another hard night for me. I'm so tired of these. I'm still keeping up with my meds but they aren't helping the memories and intrusive thoughts. Only thing that helps with that hurts me in a different way (alcohol, weed etc.). I'm so tired.

Possible trigger:

I'm having a hard time fighting these suicidal thoughts and desires. I also have plans. Three to be exact, depending on the circumstances of the day.

I know it's messed up to think like this. I know how my mind is working is going to be the end of me, but I can't stop it. I'm trying so damn hard to think in a different way. All of my trying seems to be futile at the end of the day.

Maybe I'm too screwed up. Maybe I just can't be saved.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

"Sometimes, I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes, I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past"

-Linkin Park, 'Easier to Run'.

It's another hard night for me. I'm so tired of these. I'm still keeping up with my meds but they aren't helping the memories and intrusive thoughts. Only thing that helps with that hurts me in a different way (alcohol, weed etc.). I'm so tired.

Possible trigger:

I'm having a hard time fighting these suicidal thoughts and desires. I also have plans. Three to be exact, depending on the circumstances of the day.

I know it's messed up to think like this. I know how my mind is working is going to be the end of me, but I can't stop it. I'm trying so damn hard to think in a different way. All of my trying seems to be futile at the end of the day.

Maybe I'm too screwed up. Maybe I just can't be saved.

I totally understand. The thing is that the memories will always be there. The only chance we have is to learn to deal with them. Dulling the senses doesn't help, well maybe a temporary fix but not long term. So lets talk about what we know....okay? There are tools, maybe meds, maybe therapy, to help us deal with the memories but we have to find the right combo. That's the tricky and frustrating part. But we have the option to keep trying different things to find that right combo. I'm so glad you are taking your meds as prescribed. Good for you!!!
Now about death. What do we really know about that? Would it change how we feel? What if it doesn't, and we spend eternity feeling this way and no option of finding something to make it tolerable? I'm just not sure there's a comfortable life after death. How do you feel about it?

[MtnTime2896]

What I believe about death is that there's nothing after. Just... nothing. And I've become really desperate for nothing. Nothing means no more loop.

I agree that dulling everything is too temporary. I'm suppose to be starting a new medication soon along with my already existing ones. It's meant to help the depression. I had to go off of Bupropion because it increased my psychotic symptoms.

There's so much happening around me, too. Things that I can barely think about without having a mild breakdown. So, taking care of these things seems next to impossible. No one around me can understand this and they're very impatient with me. I just can't handle the extra stress. I feel so useless and like a POS.

I've also grown even more isolated, which I know is bad, but I'm doing it for a reason.

Possible trigger:

I'm moving away from people to make it easier to end my life.

Even as I write it, I feel like a terrible person. I see myself planning and preparing and I just can't stop it. I can't stop obsessing over it, either. And I don't know why.

I wish that I had something to say that might be of help. I just wanted to let you know that I have read your post. I hope the new med is of some help to you.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

I wish that I had something to say that might be of help. I just wanted to let you know that I have read your post. I hope the new med is of some help to you.

I appreciate that. Thank you.

I see that you are in Roanoke. Is that VA? I used to live in Galax. I miss the Blue Ridge.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

I see that you are in Roanoke. Is that VA? I used to live in Galax. I miss the Blue Ridge.

'Roanoke' as in kind of historical context. It was the first colony in North America. It's nickname being "The Lost Colony". So, metaphorically speaking, I'm lost the same as the colony.

Sorry, that's kind of a bleak metaphor.

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

"Sometimes, I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes, I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past"

-Linkin Park, 'Easier to Run'.

It's another hard night for me. I'm so tired of these. I'm still keeping up with my meds but they aren't helping the memories and intrusive thoughts. Only thing that helps with that hurts me in a different way (alcohol, weed etc.). I'm so tired.

Possible trigger:

I'm having a hard time fighting these suicidal thoughts and desires. I also have plans. Three to be exact, depending on the circumstances of the day.

I know it's messed up to think like this. I know how my mind is working is going to be the end of me, but I can't stop it. I'm trying so damn hard to think in a different way. All of my trying seems to be futile at the end of the day.

Maybe I'm too screwed up. Maybe I just can't be saved.

Been up since 4 thinking the exact same thing - I'm here with you - at least we have that

I know a little about "The Lost Colony." I am part Lumbee Native American. History links the Lumbee to the Roanoke settlers.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Carmina

Been up since 4 thinking the exact same thing - I'm here with you - at least we have that

I'm sorry you're here, too. But you're right, at least we're not alone.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

I know a little about "The Lost Colony." I am part Lumbee Native American. History links the Lumbee to the Roanoke settlers.

That's a lot more culture connected to it than mine. I'm just a history buff, to be honest. My earliest ancestors didn't come to the U.S. until the mid 1800s.

Well you're in a good place. Lot's of history in Virginia. I still have stuff in storage there so I'll be back, someday.

[Carmina]

Playing music to distract myself from suicidal thoughts - tbh I tried so hard to listen to Linkin Park, I do like their lyrics but the music isn't doing much for me (except In the end)

I have to work today...

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

Well you're in a good place. Lot's of history in Virginia. I still have stuff in storage there so I'll be back, someday.

I actually live in the southwest. So, I have more exposure to historical Hispanic and Navajo culture than anything else. Though I research a lot of east coast history.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Carmina

Playing music to distract myself from suicidal thoughts - tbh I tried so hard to listen to Linkin Park, I do like their lyrics but the music isn't doing much for me (except In the end)

I have to work today...

I'm also listening to a lot of music. Linkin Park has multiple genres, so if one song doesn't fit, another might. In the End is a good track and one of my favorites.

If you're willing to check it out, "My Demons" by Starset is another good track. That and "Dark On Me".

Those are both beautiful cultures to learn about.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

Those are both beautiful cultures to learn about.

I appreciate you talking to me, by the way. Helping me get my mind on something else. Just... thank you.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

I see that you are in Roanoke. Is that VA? I used to live in Galax. I miss the Blue Ridge.

Galax? That's near the NC border right?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I actually live in the southwest. So, I have more exposure to historical Hispanic and Navajo culture than anything else. Though I research a lot of east coast history.

I've spent a lot of time in Roanoke and Salem VA on business. Nice area. Love Salem, VA.

Originally Posted by Trace14

Galax? That's near the NC border right?

Yes! I also have lived in Elkin, Jonesville and Beech Mountain, NC.

Originally Posted by Trace14

I've spent a lot of time in Roanoke and Salem VA on business. Nice area. Love Salem, VA.

I used to go to the VA hospital in Salem I really love the area too. I moved 3 years ago to Minnesota to help out my daughter. I am moving to central Tennessee at the end of April. I would rather move back to the Blue Ridge.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I appreciate you talking to me, by the way. Helping me get my mind on something else. Just... thank you.

Awww, now I feel kinda bad that I went to bed. I would have stayed up later had I known this. I am glad that I helped. I don't know what's going on in your life, but know that there are people out in the world who find you interesting and would like to know you better. I don't know where you are in the SW, but I used to live in Las Vegas (my now ex husband was stationed there while he was in the airforce.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

Yes! I also have lived in Elkin, Jonesville and Beech Mountain, NC.

You a skier? I live in central NC. Wow moving to Minnesota must have been a culture shock for you

No, I don't ski. I moved to Beech Mountain so I could (hopefully) get over someone. I was there for 6 months. Also, I just love mountains. Living there full time is expensive but I saw bear, fox.

Minnesota. I never in my life ever thought I would be here. I have lived in California, Nevada, Oklahoma, Kansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina, Virginia. It is different and I am not in a"pretty" area of MN, but I am glad that I have had this experience. That is what life is about for me, experiences.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

No, I don't ski. I moved to Beech Mountain so I could (hopefully) get over someone. I was there for 6 months. Also, I just love mountains. Living there full time is expensive but I saw bear, fox.

Minnesota. I never in my life ever thought I would be here. I have lived in California, Nevada, Oklahoma, Kansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, North Carolina, Virginia. It is different and I am not in a"pretty" area of MN, but I am glad that I have had this experience. That is what life is about for me, experiences.

The NC, Virginia, and Tennessee mountains are amazing. Hope you can get back to one of these areas one day. You sound like it's really where you want to be.